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My oldest son and his wife had their first baby 2 months ago. I was finally allowed to see the baby at their home last week. The only time I saw the baby before that was at the hospital.
I'm hearing from my other kids and stepkids (all married with kids of their own) that they're all getting pretty upset and starting to get angry that they haven't been allowed to see the baby yet, and it didn't help matters any that my daughter in law posted about 30 pictures of her side of the family holding the baby on Facebook from the day she was home to more recent pictures in their own home, and her relatives homes.
Should I say something to my son about how his brothers and their wives are getting upset? or should I stay out of it?
Tricky situation. How has your relationship been with your D-I-L before this? Perhaps you could offer to help them out, for example, offer to bring them a meal, then you'll be there, and can spend time with the baby. Offer to stay with the baby so they can have a couple of hours to themselves, make it something positive for them, instead of them feeling like you are demanding something. Invite them to your home for a meal. I think saying something about how everyone else feels could get very confrontational IMO. It's one thing for you to speak to your son about how you feel, but I would leave it at that.
I think it really depends on your family dynamics, and the relationship between your son and the rest of his family, and his relationship with his wife and -her- family. And, the relationship between your family, and her family.
When a friend of mine was pregnant with her son, she finally wisened up to the fact that her live-in boyfriend was a scum-sucking piece of trash, who came from a scum-sucking trashy family. Criminals of various sorts, some of whom served time in prison, moms smoking while breastfeeding, dads getting drunk and smacking their wives around, kids who weren't -exactly- sure who their dad was but it might've been Uncle Tony - that kind of scum-sucking trash.
She endured having only a couple of his relatives in her home after the baby was born, but their voices were SO shrill they'd keep making the baby cry. It was extremely stressful to her as well. OOOOH LOOK AT THE BAY-BEEEE AREN'T YOU THE CUUUUUTEST THINNNNNNNNNNNG!!!!!! OH YES, OH YESSSSS BUBBYWUBBY MUSHY MOOOOFFFY" - while he was trying to sleep. Most of them came in reeking of cigarettes - they'd put them out right on the top step before walking in the door.
So you can imagine, that she really didn't want ANY of his family in the house, let alone anywhere near her newborn child.
I'm not suggesting that your family is ANYTHING like this (I swear there can be only one - they were horrendous). But I am suggesting, that if your culture is different from her culture, in any meaningful way, she could just be feeling intimidated and overwhelmed.
What I would suggest, since you have already seen the baby, is that you talk with your son and his wife, let them know your concerns, and ask them if there is anything you can do to help ease them into including the rest of the family in the joy of their new baby. And then, allow them the opportunity to make that decision, and respect it.
LOL. anonchick.. you said that so sweetly.. I can assure you we're a normal family, no druggies, arrests, wifebeating, or any of that stuff. My kids are all normal too.. I still refer them as kids even though most of them of them are college educated, have good jobs and their own homes. Our cultures are the same. Her parent's and the rest of her family seem averagely normal and likeable too.
If anyone is intimidating, it's her.
My DIL and I don't really have a good relationship. We're superficially friendly. Quite frankly, I don't like her but I don't let on that I don't. . She's opinionated, loves to gossip, and is overbearing. For instance, she has told my stepdaughter loudly in front of company what she's feels she's doing wrong in raising her daughters and how she's going to raise her child differently. She has an opinion about everyone, and everything and holds nothing back. But, the one time I spoke to her privately about how her discussing other family members made me uncomfortable ( I didn't use the word gossip) she had a fit and complained to my son. It blew up into where he felt, or maybe she insisted.. I'm not sure. he had to come over and defend her (he said she's very opinionated and thats just the way she is but we didn't argue) and then she called me yelling that she was tired of arguing with him about me and to stay out of her marriage..
um, I didnt' involve him.. She did.
My oldest son and his wife had their first baby 2 months ago. I was finally allowed to see the baby at their home last week. The only time I saw the baby before that was at the hospital.
I'm hearing from my other kids and stepkids (all married with kids of their own) that they're all getting pretty upset and starting to get angry that they haven't been allowed to see the baby yet, and it didn't help matters any that my daughter in law posted about 30 pictures of her side of the family holding the baby on Facebook from the day she was home to more recent pictures in their own home, and her relatives homes.
Should I say something to my son about how his brothers and their wives are getting upset? or should I stay out of it?
thanks
If you are upset at the way you are being treated you should say something. If your other kids are adults they should say something on their own behalf if they are adults.
My DIL and I don't really have a good relationship. We're superficially friendly. Quite frankly, I don't like her but I don't let on that I don't. . She's opinionated, loves to gossip, and is overbearing. For instance, she has told my stepdaughter loudly in front of company what she's feels she's doing wrong in raising her daughters and how she's going to raise her child differently. She has an opinion about everyone, and everything and holds nothing back. But, the one time I spoke to her privately about how her discussing other family members made me uncomfortable ( I didn't use the word gossip) she had a fit and complained to my son. It blew up into where he felt, or maybe she insisted.. I'm not sure. he had to come over and defend her (he said she's very opinionated and thats just the way she is but we didn't argue) and then she called me yelling that she was tired of arguing with him about me and to stay out of her marriage..
I could be wrong, but this might just be part of the reason.
I think your response says it all ladylolly. I'll bet she feels more comfortable with her family.
In my experience, people who say things like "I don't like her but I don't let on" are generally "letting on" a lot more than they realize.
If you don't like this woman, why do you want to spend time with her and her baby? Why would anyone be 'angry' or 'upset' - especially if she's as offputting as you say and your son is being put into positions where he must defend his wife, the mother of his child, to his side of the family?
I wonder if HER family talks about HIM like you talk about her?
The OP came here, asking if she should say something, then responds that she can't - of course, making it clear that the reasons she cannot say something are the fault/problem of her DIL. Sounds to me like the OP and her family just like to cause problems and complain.
dj.. I could see that being the reason for not letting me see the baby, but not the rest of the family.
jeeze. SSKK.. I don't talk about her to anyone, nor does anyone in my family talk about her to me. I just posted it here because someone asked.
.. Before the baby was born we'd go shopping together. They come on vacation with us every year and are planning to come with us this year too. We used to go out to dinner at least once a month. I don't know if that will continue now that they have a baby. I said we're superficially friendly, meaning I don't talk about anything personal to her because I know it will become gossip and probably twisted in the retelling. I didn't even tell her about my upcoming surgery.
Quote:
If you don't like this woman, why do you want to spend time with her and her baby?
and that is a totally assinine question. It's not only her baby.. It's my sons and her baby. My grandchild.
and obviously you didn't bother to read my post but would rather argue...
.. this is my original question....
Quote:
Should I say something to my son about how his brothers and their wives are getting upset? or should I stay out of it?
Last edited by ladylolly; 02-28-2011 at 09:35 PM..
If the baby is only 2 months old, the new parents are just possibly still adjusting, and too overwhelmed to have guests they are not totally comfortable with. I remember when my 3 were very young, if my in-laws came over I felt I had to wait on them a lot more than with my own siblings and parents. With my family I didn't think anything of telling them to help themselves if they wanted something.
But, I would not try to ease the way between your other children and your son. I would work on your relationship with your daughter-in-law, and let the siblings work it out among themselves.
Why not invite everybody over to your home for dinner? That would take the pressure off the DIL to entertain when she's probably exhausted.
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