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Old 03-04-2011, 04:05 PM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 7,930,262 times
Reputation: 3129

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts View Post
Believe it or not, there is still a lot of ignorance associated with adoption. I have seen it first hand. There have been plenty of times when I have mentioned that I was adopted and you would have thought I had a whale shoot out of my butt.

Some people get defensive about it because the ignorance is tiresome. I just point out that my parents wanted me more than their parents wanted them. They waited 3 years for me, so they obviously loved me more

I truly did not mean to come across as ignorant or cruel, I just thought I had seen the OP post that her kids were adopted and alot of times things happen to adoptive kids that noone knows about that affects the rest of their lives and then people can't understand why.

 
Old 03-04-2011, 04:10 PM
 
1,302 posts, read 1,529,398 times
Reputation: 1916
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
I truly did not mean to come across as ignorant or cruel, I just thought I had seen the OP post that her kids were adopted and alot of times things happen to adoptive kids that noone knows about that affects the rest of their lives and then people can't understand why.
Oh I understand that completely and knew you didn't mean it I was just explaining the defense mechanism some adoptive Moms/kids have
 
Old 03-04-2011, 05:39 PM
 
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,178,632 times
Reputation: 2857
I read the whole thread here and sorry Marilee but I think you're leaving out a lot to this story. I don't understand why your husband feels he has to dodge CPS workers. Is that why CPS had to go to his office and how he lost his job? Why wouldn't he want to make himself available to them? Why don't you want to cooperate with them? I'm sure it's frustrating that they keep showing up at your door, but isn't it better not to antagonize them by not letting them in?
 
Old 03-04-2011, 05:58 PM
 
2,514 posts, read 5,163,540 times
Reputation: 3482
I'm coming in very late to this and agree w/ others that we're not being told the entire story. You've been having trouble w/ both of your children for a while now. Last year you made the comment about them saying, "I don't think I can ever feel the same about them again." Maybe that was just being angry and caught up in the moment from all of the terrible, hurtful words they said to you. I don't know how you ever let it get to the point of your children being allowed to be so totally disrespectful to you. These children have been getting out of control for some time. We're missing something here when they want CPS to take them away as they did just one year ago.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 07:09 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
Reputation: 30256
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
3) The OP has been having difficulty with her son for a couple of years and it just now occurs to her to check his room for drug paraphernalia? I'm not saying she's not telling the truth - I just find it odd.
Kids aren't using the same tools that were used when we were groing up. The paraphenalia kids use today often don't raise red flags for parents.

I remember being at a Lacross game with a group of mothers. One mother was complaining to us about how she can't ever find tweezers in her house because her son always had them. She'd keep buying more and he'd keep taking them. She asked him why he always has the tweezers and he told her that he pulled out the hair on his toes. She's telling this story like it was just quirky attribute. She had NO CLUE.

How many parents do you think would know they had a big problem on their hands if their teen was taking apart all of the pens in the house? That was my girlfriend. She was constantly complaining that she couldn't find a pen to write with because her daughter was always taking them apart.

Find the little sockets from your husband's socket wrench set in your teen's bedroom? That's another clue.

These strange things are laying in plain site, but most parents have no clue. Add everything up together and you have signs of drug usage. Heck, I wouldn't have even known about many of the things that constitute paraphenalia today if I didn't have friends who went through it with their children or if my children haven't told me about it when I was helping my friends who have younger children.

And the smart teens dont' keep the actual obvious paraphenalia in their bedrooms. They keep it elsewhere in the house.

I just found this on google as an example:


How many things in that picture look like drug paraphenalia? Imagine them in different drawers and in different place in the room.

It's hard for parents to know what's going on if they don't know what to look for. But if there's anything out of the ordinary that makes you go Hmmmmmm, chances are there's another reason other than the one a teen gives you. Working on a science or art project? Yeah, right.


btw, I'm not saying these things are what the OP found. I'm offering examples of how parents can not know what paraphernalia looks like when it's in plain sight.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,134 posts, read 22,107,592 times
Reputation: 35503
But truly....those things don't necessarily mean drugs either....

I know my son has chapstick in his room. Do I think he's on drugs? No....I think he has chapped lips. I also know he has a lighter. Do I think he's on drugs or even smoking? No....I know exactly why the lighter is there (helpful in stringing lacrosse heads - the flame melts the end of the nylon string and keeps it from fraying); pens...yep...he does write with pens occasionally.

Now, if I found a makeup brush in there I might have a few questions.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 07:23 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 34,613,675 times
Reputation: 20198
If I saw the glass pipe and the metallic coke vial, I wouldn't bother checking any of the rest of it. I'd already know what I need to know: my kid is into drugs. As for the rest of the stuff, I knew about most of it when I was a kid. The makeup brush is a new gig, and I can only guess that the tirepressure guage is used to release gas from whippit cans or something to that effect. Most of it isn't new. It's stuff kids have been using to "disguise" their drug use at -least- since I was a kid and they sold this stuff at headshops. I know they sell most of it now at Old Glory too.

Oh the chapstick, if it's what I think it is, has a false bottom and is used to store secret stashes.
The fat red magic marker is used to get high off the fumes. The blush brush - well now that I think of it, I have one just like it, and the metallic end keeps coming off. It's hollow inside so that might be what it's for as well - a drug-stash.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,434 posts, read 41,620,437 times
Reputation: 46994
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
Yes, I do want to know if the child was adopted, it is a well known fact that babies of crack Mom's grow up with issues, that is exactly why I asked. This in no way makes me cruel, unintelligent or an idiot. Why should it be offensive if someone asks if a child is adopted???????
So now you have jumped to an adopted child is most likely born to a crack addicted woman?

Of course I know that adopted older children can have really serious issues. You would have to have lived under a rock for the past 50 years to not know about that. Believe me a lot of healthy well adjusted women all over the world have made adoption plans for their children. I have had many years experience working with domestic and international adoption.

It just irks me to see such a generalization about adopted children. Maybe if you had asked if this troubled child had been adopted as an older kid I would not have had the reaction I did.

I have 7 children. Some were born to me, some adopted, some came to me by marriage. We are an interracial family by adoption and marriage with folks from America, Cuba, Iran, Korea and Vietnam. We have all sorts of different eyes and hair and skin tones. I understand the questions people have about adoption.

I too have been frustrated by the OP's previous posts and her family troubles and I'm usually a cynical person. But some folks here have seemed to think she is fair game with all sorts of pot shots and cruel name calling. It just seems to me with this particular thread, she has tried over and over to get folks to believe that there is a real breakdown in the systems we all feel should be in place for her and her family. Obviously we know that all over this country there are many families in similar situations.

And even these broken and hopeless families probably started out with the same hopes and dreams we all did. Not everybody has a happy ending or smooth sailing. This in and of itself does not make the parents evil or bad.

And to the poster who said the OP should not have been allowed to adopt in the first place--I can guarantee you this couple had to go thru more questions and investigations than most people who birth kids with no regard to the future health and welfare of the kids.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 07:27 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,134 posts, read 22,107,592 times
Reputation: 35503
Well...pretty much anything can be used to stash drugs...but having those things in their room (unless you actually find drugs in them) doesn't necessarily indicate drug use.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 07:34 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
Reputation: 30256
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
But truly....those things don't necessarily mean drugs either....

I know my son has chapstick in his room. Do I think he's on drugs? No....I think he has chapped lips. I also know he has a lighter. Do I think he's on drugs or even smoking? No....I know exactly why the lighter is there (helpful in stringing lacrosse heads - the flame melts the end of the nylon string and keeps it from fraying); pens...yep...he does write with pens occasionally.

Now, if I found a makeup brush in there I might have a few questions.
They are an indication of drugs when there is a pattern---a group of certain things that are odd that repeatedly happen in excess---along with other items.

I didn't say "pens." I said pens that are taken apart. Components of pens all over the place.

I didn't list everything. That picture doesn't show everything either.

If a teen is suddenly cutting up soda bottles and soda can or putting holes in them, that's another reason for concern.

I'm trying to point out how easy it is for many parents to be truly clueless and can remain clueless for a couple of years before they get a clue.

You know what was amazing? It's usually not obvious like the OP's son being a behavioral problem. My son encountered kids who smoked marijuana in his honors and AP classes, boy scouts, lacrosse, soccer, etc. Good kids involved in activities and getting good grades smoke marijuana too.

Come on. I think most of us expect that ours will likely experiment. My children did. I was on top of it compared to other parents with children their age. I caught mine experimenting within a few months of their first time. How did I catch them? From hearing about this stuff from my friends who had already gone through it with their older children.
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