Kid "running away" (custody, teenage, support, son)

[suedonym]

i can see you are very frustrated, and very rightly so.

many of the wilderness programs/ boot camps. etc do have financial aide and even a type of scholarship (though that sounds like a reward, not a punishment) available.

If thats still not an option, the next time he gets in trouble- dont bail him out.

make him stay in juvie or where ever it is these days. if he owes court fines- make HIM pay them.

you cant ***** foot around this kid. you have to take the harder, less traveled road. my brother was like him. thanks to one of the wilderness/boot camp type places, he is now 20, well behaved, great anger management (which is why he was there- he attacked his sister and then the police!!!) skills, on the deans list in his second year of college, and a really really great kid. I disagreed with sending him there when it happened (7 years ago or so)- thank goodness my opinion did not matter, because it was TRULY the BEST thing that could have happened to/for him.

if you lock him out, you CAN get in BIG trouble. Most 'troubled' kids are VERY smart- and know how to use the law to THEIR benefit. As tempting as it may be, i would NOT do that. what I may do, is install keyed only deadbolts on ALL the doors and ALL windows, and dont let him have access to the keys.

[DewDropInn]

Momma-bear is 100% correct. If he's violent and coming after you with knives (I didn't let that sink in - sorry) he needs help counseling won't give.

[Afinelady]

I feel terrible for you and what you have to endure with this demon kid. I grew up with a brother who was the same way, only he got involved with drugs and alcohol by the time he was 17 and left home every 6 months. After that he was in and out of one rehab to the next or prison. He is now pushing 50 and still lives at home with elderly parents.

Sometimes I wish there were some type of magic wand where good people did not have to deal with this anguish. Therefore, I think letting him know that doors and windows will be locked, and follow thru with calling the cops otherwise he is just going to continue abusing your home and causing major stress in your life and relationship for as long as you live with him in your home. Good Luck.

[MaryleeII]

Originally Posted by Momma_bear

It sounds to me like your son needs to be in a mental health facility. He seems to be a danger to others. He sounds like he needs more than counseling. He needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist (a medical doctor not a counselor). At the very least you need him out of the house so he cannot harm you or the other members of your family.

I realize this costs money and you always push back when someone suggests something that costs money. However, your son is having a serious problem that will not go away without the right treatment. NOT counseling, a doctor. Most areas have programs for people who need help with medical bills. You have to research what is available in your area. This is something you need to FIND THE MONEY to handle.

He will not just get better if you are tough enough with him. He has become criminal because of this problem. You need to get serious. If you don't like the doctor on day ONE find another. Go through 20 of them until you find someone you trust but please find someone.

Its easier said than done to just go to every doctor until you find someone you can deal with. it can take months to find someone, get an appt, etc, and our options are limited in our relatively small town. Due to a back injury, I can't drive, every doctor appt is a day off work and dh has run out of time off. His job is what's holding us together, we can only play it so long.

Thanks, but he has been in mental health facilities. They will only keep him 14 days unless he demonstrates he's a continued danger to himself or others. Of course, he can't very well be "dangerous" in a controlled mental health facility, but once released, the cycle starts all over again. He is also under the care of a forensic/adolescent psychiatrist, who really doesn't do much more than prescribe meds (which the kid refuses to take). If there's a "crisis" we're supposed to take him to the ER, assuming we can get him there. How do you go from getting a 6 ft kid off the floorbrandishing knifes, and to the ER? Plus, once there, they don't do squat anyways. I've wanted him committed, he's seriously dangerous, but no one will take me seriously.

Just like that case in Texas last week, I think Orangeville, or some place like that, a 14-year old decided he was "tired of his parent's being too strict' so settled things with a bullet to his mother's head, killed her. Wonder what the cops would make of that?

[MaryleeII]

Originally Posted by AnonChick

Maybe what you should do, is lock the door, and let him call the CPS like he keeps doing according to all your other posts. And then, tell the social worker, "Guilty as Charged, I am not worthy." And let them take your son away to endure "the system" and live in foster care, where he won't be a burden to you or your family ever again.

Sounds like a good idea, except they would take DD away, too. If they take one child away, they take all the children in the household away, they deem it an unfit home while under investigation. I've held off for years doing what you suggest for her sake. CPs has an entirely different logic in such cases.

[Kathleen1971]

Is there a relative he could go live with temporarily? It just sounds like such a sad situation maybe time apart would help. You don't really want to send him away to foster care permanantly do you? I am a former foster kid and I assure you that if you really love your son, you do not want him in that situation. I wish I had the answers for your problem. Good luck.

[DewDropInn]

I just googled the words "children's advocate" and found an abundance of groups that deal with mental illness, violent children etc. There was info on groups that help the parents and groups that help the children. Took 5 minutes.

Were he my son I'd be doing all kids of research on parent's groups, (you aren't the only person in America with a son with these problems) pro-bono lawyers that deal with these issues, state laws on getting a child committed, etc. Help is out there. You need to use your bean to find it.

I think you come on here to vent. I can understand that. But you need to knuckle down and think outside of the box on how to get the answers you need. Hope that makes sense.

[ladylolly]

I would lock the doors and go to bed. Has he ever threatened your daughter? A cop told my neighbor when she was having problems with her son to throw him out... and then call the police and have him listed as a runaway.
I don't know what state you're living in so this might not apply, but can the family court issue a PINS on him?

[treeg26]

You've gotten some good advice here. I wonder if there is a relative that you can send him to that might be able to handle him? I know that isn't always an option.....

All I can say is that I'm soooooo sorry you are having to deal with all this. Good luck to your family.

[witty, wise and wicked]

Originally Posted by MaryleeII

Sounds like a good idea, except they would take DD away, too. If they take one child away, they take all the children in the household away, they deem it an unfit home while under investigation. I've held off for years doing what you suggest for her sake. CPs has an entirely different logic in such cases.

Where did you get the impression that CPS would take all the children in the household? I was down that road a few years ago w/my daughter (she wasn't like your son, but she had her own issues). NOT ONCE did ANY CPS worker, attorney, police officer, etc. suggest that my other kids be taken out of the home....they didn't try to mess with them what-so-ever, because they (the authorities involved) could see that we had a good home & that we were responsible parents. These issues went on for 2-3 years, and she ended up in foster care...so it wasn't like she had an episode & that was it. There were court dates involved, the state was very involved, etc. (I never lost my parental rights either). I'm not in any way suggesting that you & your husband are bad parents, so please don't get me wrong.

I understand that you are jaded by the 'system' because of what you've went through already, but it takes just one person to understand your story to start giving you, your son & the rest of the family the help that they need, and it doesn't sound like you've found that type of person yet.
You need to be your own advocate and work like h#ll until you find some help. It's not easy, it's not pretty, and, as you already know, it can be the most stressful thing that you may ever have to do in your life, but his behavior is affecting everyone in the household, and it's not acceptable.
You could at least call CPS & explain the situation to them ....but with everything that's went on already w/your son, I'm suprised if they haven't already visited your home. If you mentioned that they have been involved with the situation in any of your previous posts, I apologize.
Have you called his probation officer to explain what's going on? Maybe they could come up with a couple of ways to help you prove that he's been out after curfew. Have you thought about reporting him as a runaway when he goes out after curfew?
One of my best friends has been going through a very similar situation w/her son (he's 13). They have tried all the avenues as well, even went so far as to call everyone they could think of...sheriff & local police office, CPS, lawyers, etc. to see what their legal rights were as parents that had to deal with this type of child. They got some good and not so good advice, but at least they knew their boundaries & rights. The son is now living with his dad & step-mom.

I need to add that it was horrible to go through what I did with my daughter, but we have an extremely close relationship now, and I love her with all my heart.