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Old 03-03-2011, 09:10 PM
 
10,102 posts, read 19,300,689 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by omigawd View Post
I haven't read all the responses here, so forgive me if I'm repeating something posted by someone else.


First and foremost.... your son is violating his probation. The solution? Report him to his probation officer AND to the judge who sentenced him. Tell the probation officer and the judge that you cannot control him and he is blatantly disrespecting you and the courts. They will take it from there. The cops (obviously) aren't going to do anything.

I'm not sure what state you're in but I can't imagine you having to pay for boot camp if it's court-ordered (even a portion of it). It just doesn't seem right. I'm not even sure if a boot camp would help him --- he's threatening you and your husband, etc?? That's a mental health issue so maybe you can get him in a psychiatric facility through the courts?

Is there a PINS program? (Persons In Need of Supervision)

I'm really sorry you and your husband are going through this.
We've done all that....repeatedly. whenever the police come out (which seems like once/week) we tell them he's on probation, they refuse to do anything. we tell the probation officer, she says she can't do anything unless he's broken a law. so, that would apply to anyone wouldn't it? so what's the point of probation?

The police are a joke, all they do is talk to him about what are his interests, hobbies, etc. Then tell us we are NOT in danger, although I've filed aggravated assualt charges, they keep dropping them.

I wish I could find a solution, but there doesn't seem to be one. We see his PO tomorrow, I will ask about a PINS program. Usually all they do in such programs is have them sign a contract that they will obey the law, etc, then do nothing when its violated.

These kids know how to get around the law, they basically flaunt it. The system empowers them by letting stuff go, each time they come out here and leave doing nothing it empowers the kid. last Fall I insisted they take ds in, dh wasn't home and I was afraid to stay by myself with him, he was getting violent with me. Instead, they called CPS and charged me with child abandonment, even though he was in the same house, simply because I expressed fear and asked for help. They took the kid to an Er instead, where he sat for 28 hours awaiting an evaluation, then released him saying he wasn't a threat to me. Meanwhile, I'm still facing child abandonment charges, although he was never out of my custody (I followed to the hospital), simply because I asked he be placed elsewhere for everyone's safety. that's the reality of the system!

We've since learned never to call 911, regardless of how bad the situaiton, they will either do nothing or charge us. lately its been ds calling 911, to report us, for stuff like telling him to go to bed. He calls, then hangs up, knowing the police will respond and track down the call. However, he can't be charged with making a false report, because he never completed the call. I believe the police think we're some sort of nutty family and disregard us when we call, we're probably on some sort of list with them by now.

 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:13 PM
 
10,102 posts, read 19,300,689 times
Reputation: 17432
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gottasay View Post
Frankly, your situation sounds dangerous and I don't know if you should live with him during this time -- you say he is pulling knives and cutting phone lines? This has red flags written allover it. I see from your posts that you live in Texas -- is there an English-language boarding school in Mexico that would be affordable that could take him??

Like this??
Oceanside


Hmmmm....worth looking into
 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:25 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,020,612 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
The "specifics" are that no one can be locked up forever, nor is that what we want. Most state mental hospitals have very limited time frames for treatment, usually 7-14 days. Then they are released, because they are no longer a threat to themselves and others. Well, how could they be if in a controlled environment? once released, they commit another dangerous act, and back they go, for another limited time period.

And no, there realy isn't any room to cut our budget without cutting essential needs for other family members, we have to live somehwere, eat somehow, etc. Getting cheaper insurance isn't an option, either, our options are limited, that's the reality of health care in America today.

The system isn't what people think it is, until they fall into its cracks.
yes you have to live somewhere and eat something, but your downsize rental home is bigger than my family's house, so forgive me if I don't sound sympathetic. I didn't say cheaper insurance. I was actually thinking a more expensive plan that covers more might be better for your family since you have a lot of medical expenses.
 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:27 PM
 
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not discounting all you have mentioned but curfew for a 14 year old at 7:00 pm seems to be very early and could be one reason why he stays out later. at that age I would think 8 to 8:30 is more reasonable. most 14 year old don't fall asleep till ten or eleven a later curfew doesn't seem unreasonable at all.

how is is school performance? is there anything you can get him interested in? sports of some sort? learning to play a guitar. anything that makes him motivated? then perhaps you could use that activity as leverage to make him do more of what he should be doing.

again not discounting the seriousness of his issues but are you too strict with what you allow him to do? does he have any friends?
 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:43 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,803,648 times
Reputation: 12270
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
\
Most boarding shcools cost more than we make, gross/year.

We need to find a way to live with him and him with us that doesn't destroy either of us, financially, emotionally, or physically.
Many schools offer financial aid to families making under $100K per year. It won't necessarily be FREE but it might not wind up costing you as much as you think. Perhaps it is worth looking into this option.

I have been thinking about you all evening. I think that many of us are trying to help you but we don't have any experience with having a child who is mentally ill, has a criminal record, and is dangerous to those around him. Once I clarified that in my mind it became clear that we cannot tell you what to do when he runs away because he is not your average bratty 14 year old (I have one of those).

Since he is not your average bratty 14 year old we cannot suggest that you treat him the way we treat our own kids.

I think that YOU are the one in need of help. This seems to be an overwhelming problem and you simply are not capable of handling it right now. I think the following link might help you:

Texas Department of State Health Services - Mental Health Consumer and Family Supports

I would love to see YOU get some relief. Perhaps some of these agencies can point you towards people who can help. Please don't forget about yourself. You need a support system to help you cope with this overwhelming issue.
 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:45 PM
 
10,102 posts, read 19,300,689 times
Reputation: 17432
Quote:
Originally Posted by hothulamaui View Post
not discounting all you have mentioned but curfew for a 14 year old at 7:00 pm seems to be very early and could be one reason why he stays out later. at that age I would think 8 to 8:30 is more reasonable. most 14 year old don't fall asleep till ten or eleven a later curfew doesn't seem unreasonable at all.

how is is school performance? is there anything you can get him interested in? sports of some sort? learning to play a guitar. anything that makes him motivated? then perhaps you could use that activity as leverage to make him do more of what he should be doing.

again not discounting the seriousness of his issues but are you too strict with what you allow him to do? does he have any friends?

The 7 pm curfew is set by the court, he's on probation. Its not my decision. The normal curfew here is 9 pm.
 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:48 PM
 
10,102 posts, read 19,300,689 times
Reputation: 17432
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
yes you have to live somewhere and eat something, but your downsize rental home is bigger than my family's house, so forgive me if I don't sound sympathetic. I didn't say cheaper insurance. I was actually thinking a more expensive plan that covers more might be better for your family since you have a lot of medical expenses.

We have the best plan available to us now, the most expensive that covers the most options. Even if we did downsize into a smaller, cheaper home, the difference would harldy begin to cover our medical bills, and what about DD? I guess we should live in a cramped, crummy house in a lousey neighborhood, and cut off her braces, and anything else she has, to fund ds little games? Believe me, he's taken every nickel we had, including our retirement, we do have a right to something for ourselves. those treatments don't work, anyways. Like I said, he's been in 3 residential inpatient facilities, along with a ton of outpatient treatment, it never seems to matter worht a fig!
 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:48 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,803,648 times
Reputation: 12270
Quote:
Originally Posted by hothulamaui View Post
not discounting all you have mentioned but curfew for a 14 year old at 7:00 pm seems to be very early and could be one reason why he stays out later. at that age I would think 8 to 8:30 is more reasonable.
Did you read the thread? The child is on PROBATION and his curfew is not set by the OP.
 
Old 03-03-2011, 09:55 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,020,612 times
Reputation: 32725
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Many schools offer financial aid to families making under $100K per year. It won't necessarily be FREE but it might not wind up costing you as much as you think. Perhaps it is worth looking into this option.

I have been thinking about you all evening. I think that many of us are trying to help you but we don't have any experience with having a child who is mentally ill, has a criminal record, and is dangerous to those around him. Once I clarified that in my mind it became clear that we cannot tell you what to do when he runs away because he is not your average bratty 14 year old (I have one of those).

Since he is not your average bratty 14 year old we cannot suggest that you treat him the way we treat our own kids.

I think that YOU are the one in need of help. This seems to be an overwhelming problem and you simply are not capable of handling it right now. I think the following link might help you:

Texas Department of State Health Services - Mental Health Consumer and Family Supports

I would love to see YOU get some relief. Perhaps some of these agencies can point you towards people who can help. Please don't forget about yourself. You need a support system to help you cope with this overwhelming issue.
I think this is very true.
 
Old 03-03-2011, 10:13 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,605,736 times
Reputation: 30709
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I wonder this, too. he's been tested many times, random drug screens, always come up negative, but sometimes those tests don't get at everything. Just the other night I noticed a funny look in his eyes, hard to describe.

He is under the care of a psychiatrist, perhaps I could ask him for more involved drug testing.
I'd keep alert to signs of drug use. He had a lighter that was almost empty. No cigarettes though. Is there anything strange or unexplainable in his room? Cut up soda bottles? Straws? Little pieces of cellophane, plastic, or tin foil? Anything at all that's strange? Open up every little container in his room. Even check inside the XBox game boxes.

Look for ashes, ashes from marijuana are dark, while ashes from ciggarettes are literally ash gray. Rolled up dollar bills, or credit cards/gift cards with powder residue on the side is a very bad sign. Check to see if he has been keeping the whipped cream/computer duster in or around his room, or an area were his friends hang out. Also empty C02 cartridges, these and the aforementioned are called "taking whippets" and are the worst signs of all. Taking whippets is even worse than doing pills. Kids can die outright from it. Also look for coricidin tablets or robitussin/cough syrup bottles without acetaminophen. (My grammar changed in this paragraph because my son helped me add more information about what to look for.)

Research how long each type of drug stays in the system. Marijuana stays in the system for 30 to 90 days, depending on usage. Other drugs stay in the system for 24 hours. If he's using drugs that don't stay in the system for long, he would pass random drug tests. As a result your best course of action is to find the drugs he is using (if he is using them).

The main point of finding proof that he's using drugs is to get the law onto your side. The law is treating this as mental health problems and domestic problems. If you can find proof that he is using drugs, many more programs and resources will become available to you.

If he wasn't using in the past, he could be using now. If he isn't using now, he could start using at any time in the future. Kids seem to be into snorting pills today---and they go downhill very fast. They even snort legal stuff like glue and over the counter drugs. Stay alert.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I see his struggles, his pain, his struggles to fit in socially, academically, I ache for him. I watch him go out the door every day and wish I could run after him and help, but he has to face the world on his own now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gottasay View Post
The key word is respect. They crave respect. They need to find a niche that gets them that respect.
Marylee, I think I recall that you've restricted his activities as punishment. I understand why you would do that, but it would be wise to try to help him find his niche where he feels he fits in and excels. Sports, musical instruments, anything. Try to ask him what he would like to do.

Your biggest risk is that he will become a heavy drug user in his future if he doesn't find where he fits in or an area were he excels. The drug user segment of the teen population is a more accepting and inclusive group of teens because many of them are lost souls themselves. They're less judgemental than other peer groups. That's why there is a risk of teen drug use among children who are having a problem finding where they fit in socially.

See if you can help inspire him to find that one activity or hobby that he enjoys and if he gets involved in it NEVER punish him by taking it away from him. The activity or hobby could be the very thing that saves his life. Let him keep it and find other ways to punish him if he misbehaves.
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