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Old 03-04-2011, 08:08 AM
 
1,592 posts, read 1,963,729 times
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Yes -- boarding schools do work. It worked for the family I know who had a teen w/ asperghers when he was going through a violent phase. It kept him away from his younger siblings. It kept him from further hurting his parents. But what also worked was that he was sent to a boarding school for normal kids -- not "special" kids -- they tried that, but he was upset about being made to feel "different" (at least his young siblings were kept safer since he was no longer at home). Now, at the normal school, you might think he'd be a danger to others? No. Its amazing how when he got away from family, he stopped acting out. You must do what you can to protect your family -- even if your dd's braces are on the line. The boy we knew with asperghers also found his niche at that school, which was sports.

If you have no choice in the matter financially, you need to sit down with a counselor -- you and the boy -- and iron out a peace treaty. Hear from him why he's repeatedly violating curfew. Hear from him why he's violently acting out. What are his interests? Are you keeping him from expressing his creativity?

Also, if you are not getting answers from the police, I would meet w/ their supervisors in a formal setting and explain to them that you are not getting any help from the police on this matter and you need their help in ensuring he doesn't run off at night b/c you can't leave the doors unlocked for your household's safety. If that doesn't work, then meet with the mayor or whoever supervises the police in your area.

 
Old 03-04-2011, 09:22 AM
 
Location: somewhere
3,667 posts, read 5,269,353 times
Reputation: 2051
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
They're not "locking him OUT" if they think he is IN. The point, is that this kid is SNEAKING OUT at night..presumably so his parents won't know he's not still there. Locking the doors is securing the home against intruders. It is the safe thing to do, the *expected* thing to do, when you have children in the house.

Granted, the gig is up and she knows he's not in the home, which is why the doors are unlocked in the first place. But it's her word against his and last time I heard, he was a 14-year-old kid in trouble with the law, and she was the mom. If she says "no, I didn't lock the doors in the middle of the night, what a silly suggestion. I locked up before going to bed, after the kids were in their rooms" then there's nothing Junior can say about it, without admitting that he did, in fact, violate probation to sneak out of the house after curfew.

And - why would he not have a key to his own house, that locking the door would make any difference at all? Does he have to surrender his key when he returns home for the day? Or is he stupid enough to think that he doesn't need his key to his home whenever he leaves it?

 
Old 03-04-2011, 09:31 AM
 
21,972 posts, read 12,770,324 times
Reputation: 23564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gottasay View Post
If you have no choice in the matter financially, you need to sit down with a counselor -- you and the boy -- and iron out a peace treaty. Hear from him why he's repeatedly violating curfew. Hear from him why he's violently acting out. What are his interests? Are you keeping him from expressing his creativity?

Also, if you are not getting answers from the police, I would meet w/ their supervisors in a formal setting and explain to them that you are not getting any help from the police on this matter and you need their help in ensuring he doesn't run off at night b/c you can't leave the doors unlocked for your household's safety. If that doesn't work, then meet with the mayor or whoever supervises the police in your area.
Some excellent suggestions!!
 
Old 03-04-2011, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
26,172 posts, read 17,435,558 times
Reputation: 31268
I might be stepping in a big mess of you know what by stating this but:
I disagree that as parents we have to do everything we can for one child if it means taking away from the welfare and future of the other children in the family.

I feel if this is done then you have 2 really hurt children feeling abandoned and unloved. If one kid is draining resources so much from a family that the others are suffering and their futures are in jeopardy, then everybody loses.
Now the question is how do you determine how much to sacrifice and how much do you ask your other kids to sacrifice?

Should this family decide their daughter should not have braces, opportunities because her brother is totally unmanageable? And when do we know when to stop.? I'm sure each time a solution is tried they are thinking this just may be the answer only to see it was not the answer.

They have already spent all their retirement, their home life for the entire family must be stressful beyond belief. Must they all wear the hair shirt and live on bread and water for this one kid who has not responded to everything they have tried?

Of course they cannot just throw up their hands and say "I'm done". The law would not like that. But how much more can they take? Must we read more headlines about another family murdered by a sick teen? I don't have any solutions and more questions and answers. I'm sure there are more families in this situation than we know.

I'm sure there are those who will say Yes you should do everything physically, mentally and financially possible to TRY to solve this problem even if it means ruin for the entire family. I'm not sure I agree.

I'm sure this family would be willing to move, go into more debt and sacrifice their future if one more program would definitely set the kid straight, but we all know there is no guarantee and they just see a very dark, bleak road ahead of them. I don't blame them for wanting to protect their other kid and their own lives.

I am Mom, step Mom to 7 kids from 8 to 48. I've been thru it all. No I haven't been thru something this serious and I'm not sure what I would do but I know I would want to protect my other kids as much as possible.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Wallis and Futuna
11,294 posts, read 16,800,430 times
Reputation: 16607
Where's the husband during all this? What role has -he- played in taking responsibility for -his- son? As Dr. Phil says (and so do most psychiatrists), the single-most significant influence in a child's life, is the same-sex parent. I'm hearing all kinds of things about what mom's doing, what mom has tried, what steps mom has taken regarding the kid's lunch account, the clothes mom is buying...the floor mom slipped on when sonny-boy buttered the floor, etc. etc.

I haven't heard one word about dad taking Junior out to the ballpark, or playing frisbee in the back yard, or teaching him how to build a birdhouse, or going on a bike ride with him, or taking a day-trip to the engineering museum while mom and their daughter spend Sunday afternoon at the mall.

I'm hearing a lot more of what mom can't do, what mom has tried to do and failed, what everyone else has done to cause mom grief, how every single civil service organization has failed her child, in two different counties, including the lawyers...

I'm not hearing one word about what dad has done to help. Or one word of accountability on mom's part.

In short, I'm not hearing even CLOSE to the whole story. Right now, that's all it is. A story. With Mom as the main character: "The Victim."
 
Old 03-04-2011, 10:39 AM
 
Location: New York City
2,809 posts, read 3,893,652 times
Reputation: 3073
Dad wrestled the knife out of his hands. That's what dad did.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 10:51 AM
 
43,017 posts, read 49,727,727 times
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I had a brainstorm last night when I was falling asleep. Yes, Marylee, you were on my mind.

I understand the run around you've been getting when trying to find appropriate treatment and services. It must be even worse when you don't have insurance and money for treatment. I also understand why you are resisting CPS--because they are investigating you. But it's time to embrace every single person, even the police who don't arrest your son. Why? Because they could have easily arrested your husband based on what they witnessed. I'm not saying your husband did anything wrong. I'm just saying that police can go any way on you in a situation.

My brainstorm is about how to get your son health insurance. Every state is different, but Federal law doesn't vary state to state. If a minor has a dignosis of certain illnesses, even mental illnesses, you can get them on social security disability. With that, they get health insurance and all sorts of extra services. Other services vary state to state. In my state, a child gets something called "wrap around services" if they are diagnosed with certain diseases and mental illness---even if they're not on social security disability, even if they dont' have healthcare, even if their parents have a good income. Your state might not have this but you need to check. Most hospitals in my area has social workers that work with people who have illnesses so they can be aware of and receive all services available. The mental hospitals where your son stayed should have these social workers.

How to find the social workers? Ask his psychiatrist. If these social workers don't exist in your state, ask the psychiatrist to help you get him on social security disability. You'll need the psychiatrist on your side because his diagnosis is what will be reviewed by social security.

Find an advocacy group in your area that advocates for children who disabled with illnesses. You want an advocacy group that specifically deals with healthcare. But it can't hurt to also enlist the help of an advocacy group that focuses on education.

Don't be combative when dealing with social workers and police. There are services out there. It's just difficult to find them. It's even difficult to find them in states with excellent social service programs. That's the main reason social workers exist---to link people to services. But many social workers aren't even aware of all of the services that are available or they are over worked.

My suggestions:
1) Start working towards getting your son on social security disability.
2) Find a social worker whose speciality is healthcare for children with illnesses.
3) Find advocacy groups that advocate on behalf of children with disabilities in the arena of healthcare and/or education, but preferrably healthcare.
4) Talk to the school counselor to find out if there are any services that can help him. Make it clear you want to know about services available via the state, not special education services because most school districts try to avoid paying for special needs.
5) Talk to the school district's psychologist or special education director. Again, make it clear that you are trying to find resources outside of the district.
6) Talk to the Chief of police in your area to find out if there is anything available to help you find help for your son. Don't call. Have a metting with him in person.
7) Embrace the current social workers and police officers who investigate your son's allegations. You need to get them on your side, quit treating them like the enemy.

#7 is super important because you already have contact with these professionals. Instead of waiting until CPS shows up at your door the next time your son 'reports' you, I would call his caseworker and ask them for services. The next time the police show up at your house and don't arrest your son for violence, be as calm as you can be and ask them nicely if they are aware of any programs or anything that can help you find appropriate services for your son. You need to switch your mindset to being an advocate for your son's needs. Try to not be defensive when these professionals show up at your house. Get their business cards and contact information (of CPS workers and police officers) when they are at your house and follow up with a phone call asking for help finding services for your son.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
26,172 posts, read 17,435,558 times
Reputation: 31268
No amount of father-son activities can cure mental illness. This is what this family is dealing with.

What we do know is that the Dad is still in the home, still with the Mom and is trying to protect his family. Alot of men would have bailed years ago.

The response from Hopes is what this woman is looking for. She has listed some helpful possibilities. I hope at least one of them gives this family some measure of hope and help.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 11:25 AM
 
10,119 posts, read 11,404,553 times
Reputation: 9212
Tried to rep Hopes but CD says I have to spread the love.

I can understand where the frustration of dealing with this can make someone feel combative but the OP needs to resist the urge. The public service professionals do not thrive on seeing your family suffer. They may be able to help.
 
Old 03-04-2011, 11:30 AM
 
Location: somewhere
3,667 posts, read 5,269,353 times
Reputation: 2051
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
No amount of father-son activities can cure mental illness. This is what this family is dealing with.

What we do know is that the Dad is still in the home, still with the Mom and is trying to protect his family. Alot of men would have bailed years ago.

The response from Hopes is what this woman is looking for. She has listed some helpful possibilities. I hope at least one of them gives this family some measure of hope and help.

I agree that Hopes response was great, but people have responded to the OP before yet the issues continue. If her son is so violent, why is the school not involved? If the son is like this only at home, then there is something missing in this story. Everyone speculates on here why the son is acting like he is and doing the things we are being told he is doing, yet if he is that violent and out of control I find it hard to believe that NOONE is doing anything about this. I also find it hard to believe that there are no resources available for a child by all accounts that is violent and out of control. Is he only doing this to his family or does he do this to everyone? This whole story is very disturbing.
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