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My 12 year old son has Tourettes with a lot of verbal and motor tics. He also has ADD/ADHD. He is on medication to control the tics. But it's one of these things where we haven't found the right dosage to control it. His guidance counseler and teachers know about his disorder. But the kids in class do not. He is constantly being asked what's wrong with him (by the kids). But he is embarrassed to tell them he has Tourettes. He doesn't want them to make fun of him. He tells them he has ADD. But every once in awhile a kids will ask if he has Tourettes. Thankfully nobody has made fun of him yet. It seems as if they are more curious as to why he does what he does.
What is the best way for him to answer questions. Should he tell them he has a tic disorder? Should he tell them it's none of their business? Should he continue to say he has ADD? I feel bad for him, and am at a loss as to how to handle this. His teachers have said if someone in class is bothering him, to let them know and they will take care of it themselves. Any suggestions?
Sounds like the kids are just curious. They are obviously noticing something - so why not just educate them? Once it's "out there" I'd think that at the very least speculative gossiping would stop....I don't see where telling them it's "none of their business" will gain him anything. I'd think he'd be best off being honest and informative - rather than defensive. Might some kids tease him? Maybe but I'd guess most won't. And those who would, most likely would no matter what he said. The rest most likely will just start understanding that that is just "him"....
How is his friend situation? Does he feel secure in the friendships that he has, or is he more isolated? Are the people who are asking doing so in a bullying sort of way, or are they just curious and trying to understand? It's so hard to know what to say because kids this age can be very cruel and are adept at finding times when they are out of adult earshot. It sounds like your school is great and trying to be proactive, but it's impossible to monitor everywhere, like in locker rooms, bathrooms...
I have one friend with Tourette's and he's very open about it and truthfully after being around him awhile I don't even notice. I wonder if the kids had a little more information along the lines of, "He has these tics, they're harmless, so just ignore them and talk to him like you would anyone else," that might help? It's hard to know whether they're trying to be cruel or are just genuinely curious and don't yet understand (we see so much of both at this age.) Often it can help if an adult or someone (maybe he could be partnered with a few nice kids in each class?) models how to interact with someone with differences appropriately... if they don't make a big deal out of it, sometimes the kids won't either.
Sounds like the kids are just curious. They are obviously noticing something - so why not just educate them? Once it's "out there" I'd think that at the very least speculative gossiping would stop....I don't see where telling them it's "none of their business" will gain him anything. I'd think he'd be best off being honest and informative - rather than defensive. Might some kids tease him? Maybe but I'd guess most won't. And those who would, most likely would no matter what he said. The rest most likely will just start understanding that that is just "him"....
^^ what she said
telling them its none of their business is a sure fire way to increase negative attention... hes getting to the age now where he needs to be honest when asked, otherwise teasing and speculation will just get worse
At 12, kids are either going to be cruel or not, depending on the kid. But if your son gives them reason to be cruel, like being defensive, or vague, then it'll just give them ammunition.
If I were the mom, I'd have a talk with his principal. Ask if there's a chance they might consider turning this into a learning opportunity for his classmates. They study specific subjects - so how about something in sociology, or biography, or science - depending on which applies in your son's school.
Have the discussion led by the science teacher, perhaps bring in a doctor, or social worker, or someone else with "cred" who can explain what Tourette's IS. Give your son the chance to write up a little explanation of his own symptoms, and how he takes medicine to control it, and what the other kids can do (if anything) to help keep him calm and focused. Then have the other kids offer some insight of their own on family members who have had tics, or blurted things out...or maybe the social worker/doctor has some suggestions on a short, one-class educational program that involves discussion and everyone participating.
I think the more he tries to pretend nothing's wrong, or claims it's no one else's business, the more they'll come up with reasons to ask, which will make him more stressed, which can trigger more symptoms. I would totally not put him on the defensive, and instead, give him the ability to take charge on educating his classmates on something that is actually pretty fascinating.
I think he would have the best luck being honest. If he is open and doesn't act like it's a huge deal, other people won't either.
Kids are going to find reasons to tease each other regardless of any medical conditions, but if he is open and honest it makes him less of a target because the teasing won't be effective.
Do you have any way to connect with an adult (preferably a male) who has Tourettes? I think the best advice here might come from someone who has lived through Tourettes and adolescence and come out on the other side. A good friend's husband has Tourettes and he has a couple of teen guys who he informally "mentors". A good arrangement all the way round.
Another idea is something that I have always told my kids to do if someone asks them something too personal - counter a question with a question. Like this:
Kid - "Do you have Tourettes or something?"
Your son - "Is it really, really important for you to know the answer to that question?"
Most of the time, the questioner will drop it and move on.
But really, I like the idea of finding a Tourettes mentor for your boy. Maybe your neurologist could point you in the right direction.
seems like I've seen this addressed on the Special Needs forum. Maybe they can give more help there.
I think having a program in front of his class about his condition with an adult and maybe another kid with Tourettes would help to difuse the situation alot.
When my Korean adopted daughter was having trouble in a redneck georgia school about being adopted and being different, I helped put together a program for her class about adoption and international adoption in specific. I got some other adoptive Moms and kids to help participate and by the end of the sessions all the kids wished they were adopted, saw it only in positive light and it really wasn't ever an issue again. this was 20 years ago.
I think it depends on who's asking. For a friend I'd be really open about it, at his age I think kids are apt to rally around him and treat it as no big deal rather than give him a hard time about it.
My son wore a helmet as a baby for a misshapen head (just cosmetic) and I couldn't believe the comments and questions we would get. My children were also adopted and people ask the strangest questions sometimes. I'm excellent at deflection.
SO...for a stranger or someone your son doesn't want to talk to about it, I'd teach him to acted astounded and say something along the lines "wow, what a rude question" or "my gosh that's a personal question."
I think it depends on who's asking. For a friend I'd be really open about it, at his age I think kids are apt to rally around him and treat it as no big deal rather than give him a hard time about it.
My son wore a helmet as a baby for a misshapen head (just cosmetic) and I couldn't believe the comments and questions we would get. My children were also adopted and people ask the strangest questions sometimes. I'm excellent at deflection.
SO...for a stranger or someone your son doesn't want to talk to about it, I'd teach him to acted astounded and say something along the lines "wow, what a rude question" or "my gosh that's a personal question."
I agree the best answer might change depending on who is asking. My son had a noticeable tic disorder in elementary school, and he was ok with just telling his friends he couldn't help it, and they accepted him just the way he was. One child in particular (a girl) would go out of her way to mimic and taunt him. In that instance, I called the teacher, who brought in the girl and her parents for a meeting, which stopped it.
Your son sounds like he has some good friends. I think he should be open with them, chances are they are just curious, not rude.
Strangers are another story. It's none of their business, and he owes them no explanation at all.
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