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I don't believe that the OP needs to add to her problems by dealing with parents she doesn't know. They've got a problem kid, and she's not a professional at dealing with the situation. Far better to let the pro's deal with it. You can whine all you want that it's not polite nor nice to deal with the situation this way, but that's my experience with it and that's my opinion.
If it were my kid and another parent went straight to the cops before allowing me the chance to parent/discipline my own kid, I'd be LIVID. I think as fellow parents, she owes them at least a "head's up" call or sit-down at a neutral site (coffee shop, etc) to clue them in on their son's behavior. They probably have NO CLUE this is going on - either simply because they don't know (which doesn't make them bad parents- you can't keep tabs on a semi-adult 16yo all day long) or don't care (which does make them bad parents).
If they defend him/ make excuses/ refuse to deal with it, THEN escalate to the authorities. But there's a good chance a stern "talking to" from mom & dad will make the behavior cease.
Did you read the OP's post? This 16 year old boy isn't simply being awkward around a much younger child in a "clueless" kind of way ... He's "stalking the girl" to a point where she is clearly afraid.
He's brought her to tears repeatedly and repeatedly been verbally abusive to her, where she's wound up crying and clearly in distress over his actions. Does that really sound to you like behavior less than an aggressive bully? Is there any sign of empathy or consideration on the part of this boy?
I don't believe that the OP needs to add to her problems by dealing with parents she doesn't know. They've got a problem kid, and she's not a professional at dealing with the situation. Far better to let the pro's deal with it. You can whine all you want that it's not polite nor nice to deal with the situation this way, but that's my experience with it and that's my opinion.
Eh, I think there's a middle ground here somewhere between what you are suggesting and what the OP has done so far (which is apparently nothing.) Is it possible that this worst case scenario you're presenting is true? Sure. But from her description, I'd say there's also a fair chance it's a boy of lower intelligence and/or lacking in social experiences. He may just have picked the OP's daughter because she seemed nice. It's hard to tell from the post.
By no means do I think he should be allowed near this girl, or that the contact should be allowed to continue in any way, shape or form, but I think the mom's first action needs to be to contact his parents and the school if they happen to attend the same one (sounds unlikely given the age difference.) That's a reasonable first step. They may have no idea and I think it's fair to give them a chance to shut it down. If that stops the contact, great.
If it doesn't, contacting the authorities is a reasonable second step and she can then say that she already attempted to resolve it with the boy and his parents. It's going to sound a little silly if she calls the police and they ask and she has to report back that she never even formally asked the kid to cut it out. Having her take that step will help have her case taken more seriously if it comes to that. But again, give the parents a chance to shut it down first.
We moved into a new area 3 weeks ago. I have a young 12 year old daughter who is as cute and friendly as can be. She has a 16 year old boy who wants to be her boyfriend. My daughter has told him numerous times that she is not interested in have any boyfriend. This guy says hateful things when he is rejected and my daughter cries. She wants nothing to do with him. He calls and stalks her. What should I do? This is scaring both of us. What does a 16 year old want with a 12 year old anyway?
Hmmmm..... I could venture a guess, but anyway.......
If this was my daughter and this guy was calling and stalking her (how did he get her number anyway???), I would first go to his parents' house and talk to them. No, do not call them. GO there with your spouse and tell them what's been going on and that you want it to stop NOW.
If it continues and if he is truly stalking her, I would contact the authorities, make a report, and get a restraining order if need be. That is if he is truly stalking her and not just saying "hello" or whatever --- people use the word "stalking" much too loosely now and many don't really have a clue what "stalking" is.
You say you only moved in 3 weeks ago --- what in the world transpired in those 3 weeks??? For example, a 16 year old trying to be friends with a 12 year old, he has her phone number, she's still interacting with him, etc.
If it were my kid and another parent went straight to the cops before allowing me the chance to parent/discipline my own kid, I'd be LIVID. I think as fellow parents, she owes them at least a "head's up" call or sit-down at a neutral site (coffee shop, etc) to clue them in on their son's behavior. They probably have NO CLUE this is going on - either simply because they don't know (which doesn't make them bad parents- you can't keep tabs on a semi-adult 16yo all day long) or don't care (which does make them bad parents).
If they defend him/ make excuses/ refuse to deal with it, THEN escalate to the authorities. But there's a good chance a stern "talking to" from mom & dad will make the behavior cease.
You'd be LIVID, huh?
OK, how do I know ... as "another parent" ... that you wouldn't be LIVID with me if I extended you the courtesy that you think you should be given by contacting you first?
In other words, I've been there before. I've made that simple house call, at a reasonable time of day, to advise in polite and civil language and body language that your child was causing my children a lot of distress by his harrassment and assaults. I've politely asked that the parents resolve the problem, given the opportunity to do so at that time.
Any expectations I had that the other parents would be polite, civil, reasonable, and responsive were never met.
In fact, quite the contrary ... I've been assaulted (verbally and physically), I've had increased levels of violence directed toward my children (and my ex), and I've been worn out by assuming that other parents were ready, willing, and able to do "what's right".
As I've said ... you can be as indignant and outraged and livid as you care to be. But can I count on you to direct all of that energy toward resolving the real problem, which is your kid's behavior? You are asking me to put my family's well being at risk in your hands ... and I have no basis to trust you at this point. We are strangers.
Here's the real difference I've found out in these situations in my life: Other parents fly off the handle when presented with the issues by me. But when a uniformed officer of the law shows up on their doorstep, that other parent remains a lot more civil and focused upon what their rights and responsibilities are, and they take the action that they can to correct the problem.
Meanwhile, I can go about my life without giving you any more energy than necessary.
If it were my kid and another parent went straight to the cops before allowing me the chance to parent/discipline my own kid, I'd be LIVID.
It depends. Some parents don't deserve an advance phone call.
I called the police on a group of children who on the other side of the neighborhood. It wasn't a big deal---nothing that would bring charges---just something that resulted in the police giving a warning and a talk to the parents. Turns out, one of the boys was a neighbor a few doors up from me. I didn't know it at the time I called the police. I went to apologize to the mother. I knew her well. We went to high school together. Oh, she was angry---until I explained I had NO IDEA he was one of the children.
The worse part about it was the mother of another one of the boys was at her house. Each time I told my neighbor how sorry I was that I didn't know her child was there, the other mother would get ANGRY at me. The other mother's kid was bad news. I didn't regret calling the police on him. I wasn't offering her an apology. I wasn't sorry I called. I would have never gone to her first. A few years prior, her husband freaked on me about some stupid kid thing once. They were not the type of people I could talk to.
Since the OP doesn't know the boy's parents, she should give them a call because she doesn't have any negative past experience to validate not calling the parents.
Since the OP doesn't know the boy's parents, she should give them a call because she doesn't have any negative past experience to validate not calling the parents.
There are a lot of GREAT parents out there, too. I did a lot of dumb stuff in high school (going outside the "driving" zone my parents defined, being at parties with alcohol but not drinking) and my parents WOULD have been livid at me and grounded me for weeks had they found out. There is a good chance this kid's parents have no idea about this 12 year old girl or how their son is lashing out at being rejected.
Yes, there are a lot of crappy parents out there, but I think there are more good ones than bad ones and even the good ones can have problem kids or just kids that use incredibly poor judgement from time to time.
All I'm saying is why not at least give the boy's parents a chance to parent? OP will know within 60 seconds if they are going to be open/cooperative or not, and if she doesnt feel good about their conversation, she can alert the authorities.
I respect the fact that some of the parents on here have had horrific bullying situations affecting their kids, but to go about life assuming the worst in everyone (ie, assuming this boy's parents don't care & won't do anything) is just sad and narrow-minded to me.
If its my daughter I go straight to the police and make the appropriate reports for harassment then get a restraining order. If a 16 year old boy can't accept being friends with a 12 year old girl then something is seriously wrong with the 16 year old boy. I have no interest in speaking to the young man's parents since they have shown they can raise a fine young man who seems to be capable of handling rejection appropriately.
We moved into a new area 3 weeks ago. I have a young 12 year old daughter who is as cute and friendly as can be. She has a 16 year old boy who wants to be her boyfriend. My daughter has told him numerous times that she is not interested in have any boyfriend. This guy says hateful things when he is rejected and my daughter cries. She wants nothing to do with him. He calls and stalks her. What should I do? This is scaring both of us. What does a 16 year old want with a 12 year old anyway?
Are you absolutely sure he said "hateful" things. Sometimes kids misinterpret things?
Also, are you sure he "stalks" her? Is it your daughter's interpretation of the word "stalking" or yours?
Also, how do you know he doesn't have a mental illness? How do you know if calling the cops on him won't just escalate the situation? I would think the parents would know best how to deal with him.
I would talk to the parents first. Like other posters have said, they probably have no clue that he's been doing this. I have contacted parents (and glad I did) and found them to be extremely helpful, apologetic and uninformed regarding their child's antics. In all cases I was so glad that I did.
If its my daughter I go straight to the police and make the appropriate reports for harassment then get a restraining order. If a 16 year old boy can't accept being friends with a 12 year old girl then something is seriously wrong with the 16 year old boy. I have no interest in speaking to the young man's parents since they have[n't] shown they can raise a fine young man who seems to be capable of handling rejection appropriately.
My issue with this statement is that there are a number of legitimate reasons why this young man may not have age-appropriate social skills. Some disabilities affect a person's ability to appropriately pick up on and react to social cues or to empathize with others. Or he may have a low IQ. We just don't know.
In any case, I don't think the contact between them should be allowed to continue under any circumstances, and mom must take steps to put a stop to it immediately. But it's entirely possible that this young man's parents have been doing their darndest to work with him despite challenges that no one (including this young man) asked for. If they are unaware of what's going on, then a simple phone call from the OP can clarify that. If they are unreasonable, she'll be able to quickly ascertain that over the phone and can contact the appropriate authorities as the next step.
i would contact the parents first, and if that didnt resolve the situation, then involve the authorities.
make sure you keep all communications (emails, chat messages, phone messages)- do not delete them. IF you need to file a restraining order you will need them. Also document that you spoke to the parents, what day/time, and what their response was.
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Hmmmm..... I could venture a guess, but anyway.......
