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Bullies cannot bully without a victim. When kids start refusing to be victims, bullying will curb on it's own.
Self esteem and confidence training?
Sit down with your daugther and ask her what makes her a good person, what traits does she like the most in herself, what makes her unique and a strong individual.
Tell her what qualities you HONESTLY see in her, not just pacifying her, but HONESTLY so she can identify those in herself and realize they are true.
Remind her of examples of when she stood up for herself; to you or family member, neighbor kids, whoever.
Remind her she has strength to prevail and no one can take that away from her unless she lets them.
It's a shame but so true that she will have to deal with people like this in the real world when she gets older and is in the workplace.
Where do people work that bullying like this is an issue? I've never dealt with behavior like this in the workplace, and I did experience a lot of it in school. It bugs me when people say she'll need to learn to deal with people like this, because at no other time is she going to be trapped somewhere that folks are being cruel to her, and she won't have an option to leave.
What does she do after school? Can you get her around people who will accept her, just as she is? What interests does she have? Can she find a meetup group or club to meet around that interest, so she'll get to know folks of all ages? People who don't bully others? As she finds her own tribe, those mean girls' actions and opinions of her will matter less and less.
Have you asked her how she would like to handle it? In her fantasies, how does the situation get resolved? If it involves her being a stronger person, standing up to them, then find something that will build her self-esteem. If it doesn't, then giving her the message that she needs to be a different type of person won't be helpful at all, and may make her feel worse about herself.
There are sites for highly sensitive people, a quick google will pull them up. You can see if she vibes at all with those descriptions, and she will find support there.
Peaceful, non-violent, kind... those are things lots of people value highly. They are NOT valued in most schools, by the other kids. Get her around folks who WILL value her.
At some point, your daughter will have to confront these types of people, whether she likes confrontation or not. Right now, it's just a bunch of middle school girls who think that they are better then everyone else. But she'll learn that there's people like that out in the real world that will also try to make her life an even more living hell than these girls are doing. She needs to tell these girls to both f*** off and t a life in her own words (preferably w/o using obscenities or violence). Talking to the principle and these girls' parents can only do so much (in school) and with the Internet and social networking sites today, the can easily bully your daughter right in the comforts of your own home without you even realizing it. Bullies prey on those who they feel are weak. If your daughter stands up to them, she might no longer be viewed as a weakling to them. The flip side is that they may see your daughter's confrontation as a challenge and may up the ante, who knows how these girls think? But she needs to stand up for herself, regardless of what the outcome may be.
Yes, like it or not it's a dog eat dog world and the best thing is to teach your kids to be tough. It's hard to have to see the sensitive and sweet have to lose some of that but the world isn't going to be nice all the time.
She needs to look for the achilles tendon of these girls who pick on her and go for it.
She does need to learn how to deal with confrontation and conflict. If she doesn't, it's a trait she could carry with her for life. Avoidance can make her a victim for life or at the very least constantly miserable. It doesnt matter how she stands up to them---humor, sarcasm, or harsher ways----she needs to learn any way to stand up to them.
Find whatever ways you can for her to build confidence and self esteem. What does she have that she identifies with and excels at? Sports? Music?
Sadly, this isn't something the school can or will resolve. Your daughter needs to learn the skills to overcome this.
Sorry if the article I am posting may be very distressful.... The bullying has moved into a cyberspace, and even when she didn't go to school bullies were posting anonymous bully messages on this 15 yo girl's FB. I haven't even heard of Formspring before this article. The girl took her life in January.
Heartbroken mom remembers Jenna’s last day (http://www.thechronicleherald.ca/Front/1235056.html - broken link)
My DD12 is in middle school. She's a very sweet girl and very sensitive. She likes to be peaceful, does not like conflict of any kind at all.
Of course, the "mean girls" have picked up on this and are picking on her ---- either by talking about her (so she can hear it) or saying things to her or teasing her. She was crying last weekend about it and told me she doesn't want to go to school on Monday. It happened again today (the crying about going back to school on Monday).
I told her she has to go to school and to ignore the "mean girls" and just hang around the good friends she has. Easier said than done. I mean, seriously, how can you ignore someone talking about you and intentionallyl saying it loud enough for you to hear???
I also told her that, sometimes, if you confront the "mean girls", they will stop. For example, "MaryJane, why do you talk about me and say things that aren't true. Are you trying to make me look bad?" Of course, my DD won't do that since she doesn't like confrontation or conflict.
I'm just so sad for her and feel horrible that she has to go through this (to the point where I want to cry about it).
We've watched the movie "Mean Girls" so many times, we've discussed bullying, etc but nothing is getting through to her and she's allowing these girls to make her life miserale.
Any advice or ideas would be great.
Thanks!!!!!
Well, you have already done the right thing by speaking to the principal. However, if the bullying continues, then I would step up your complaints and, perhaps, even involve the police.
It's really quite simple. The next time it happens, speak to the principal and schedule a parent-parent conference with the principal/administration present. If the parents are cooperative, then the problem should resolve itself without an escalation. If not, then, if/when the bullying occurs again, contact the principal and file a report with the police. I know a lot of people feel that involving the police is "drastic" but that is what bullies feed on: a lack of confrontation. However, it should be a trained professional, not your daughter, who confronts these students. A confrontation from your daughter is exactly what these bullies want and it will make the situation worse rather than better. Believe me, I've been in this situation and the police are the most effective deterrant to bullying, which is actually a form of harassment and, even, stalking; even the police will tell you that.
I agree that your daughter should refuse to be a victim and should stand up for herself but I don't agree that she should do it by herself. In fact, this is why we have law enforcement and the legal system: so that we don't try to solve these situations ourselves and thereby escalate an already hostile situation.
It's so much easier to be a boy. A well directed shot to a pressure point ends most abusive behavior. If I were you OP, I would get my daughter into something that will wow even her. Find her strengths, one strength, and help her develop it to the point that she becomes empowered. This is of course only if physical retaliation has been ruled out.
Martial arts training for your daughter might give her confidence. She needs to learn how to stand up for herself. This is an important life lesson. As for the bullies, they suck. There should be consequences for making another child miserable. Make them go to sensitivity training classes for one month. Make their parents attend parenting classes, because many of them have created these bullies by bullying them themselves. Good luck.
I completely agree with everyone who said to get the Principal involved. I would also talk to the 6th grade guidance counseler. She/he may have some good suggestions. Or maybe even take it a step further and set up a conference call with the the principle, guidance counseler, all her teachers AND the kid's parents. There has to be some sort of anti bullying rules the school has. If this doesn't work, kick it up a notch and get the superintendent/school board involved.
A few people also mentioned giving the girl's the opposite effect. They want to see a bad reaction from your daughter. Have her kill them with kindness. If she smiles and laughs, they are going to get tired of not getting that kind of response. Also have your daughter visualize them walking around in their underwear or on the toilet bowl. Sometimes visualizing someone threatening in a vulnerable state can help ease some of the anxiety. (or make her even laugh)
Most of all, try to get your daughter into some good martial arts or self defense classes. Something that will help give her a lot more confidence. Good luck!
I think involving the principal is a good first step. However, if things do not improve quickly (like by the end of the week) I would ask for another meeting with him.
At that meeting I would have ready a written request that the school take action to stop the harassment. Once the school has written notice that there is a problem they will have to act. Don't be to nice to the administration if they just want to "talk". Demand action. Threaten legal action if necessary. The only thing school administrators respect is written documentation. The only thing they fear is legal action.
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