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I don't think there is much ACTUAL bullying in the workplace, but I have worked with people that are subtle about it. I once worked with a guy that would make quasi-insulting comments to people at his desk in a LOUD voice. For instance, this guy was talking to a co-worker that has an old, beat-up car. He was asking LOUD questions like, "How do you get that thing to keep running? Does it have automatic windows even? HAHAHAHA!!"
Of course, if you called him on it, he would say he was just kidding around, even though it was obviously something this guy was sensitive about. These bullies just get more clever and more subtle as they get older.
The best thing to do is to nip it in the bud as soon as you meet someone like this. The first time I talked to this guy, another person came up in our conversation. He said, "OH, you don't want to KNOW what I think about JIM!" (really loud). So I looked him in the eye and said, "You're right, I don't." I smiled sweetly and walked away. He never said a disrespectful word to me again. He continued to torment the people that put up with it.
You have to project strength with these people. If you project weakness, they will feed on it.
As long as they know they are having an effect on her, they will continue to bother her. She has to learn to smile and laugh whenever they start saying mean things. In fact, she needs to AGREE WITH THEM. As soon as they see that their mean talking will have NO IMPACT WHATSOEVER, they will abandon her for a more interesting and fun victim.
Your daughter has to understand that words are just words and the only way those words can hurt is if she LETS them hurt.
I have not read all the other replies here, but I am certain that someone has mentioned that life is full of people like this and the sooner your daughter learns to deal with it, the better off she will be.
20yrsinBranson
who was once a child
Exactly. Bullies like to pick on kids who they KNOW will be bothered by what they do/say. If your daughter shows them that she couldn't care less about what they say to her, they'll move on to someone who does care and shows that it affects them.
The only real solution to bullying is to cease being a victim. The problem lies with your daughter, not the bullies. Work on her self-confidence and ability to handle conflict and not only will she be stronger/better for it, you will most likely solve your bullying issue as well.
Sadly, calling in the cavalry of adults with principals, counselors, parents, etc. will never fix the issue.
Exactly. Bullies like to pick on kids who they KNOW will be bothered by what they do/say. If your daughter shows them that she couldn't care less about what they say to her, they'll move on to someone who does care and shows that it affects them.
The best revenge is to kill 'em with kindness!
This is just blaming the victim, which is actually what the bullies feed on more than knowing that they are hurting their victims. In fact, blaming the victim is very empowering to a victim and this attitude, in general, leads to social Darwinism and societies in which the "strong" (i.e. predatory individuals who have no ethics) end up on top and in control. This is also the kind of thinking that has women in burkas and unable to leave the house without a man in other countries (b/c they are blamed if/when they are raped).
Moreover, a lot of bullies don't stop until they know that they have hurt their victims, which means simply laughing it off or fighting back will cause the harassement to escalate rather than stop. Either that, or the victim becomes so desperate for the bullying to stop that he/she gets dad's shotgun and decides to blow everyone in the school away.
It's just too idealistic to say that this is the victim's fault and that a different mentality or attitude on his/her part is going to resolve the situation.
This is just blaming the victim, which is actually what the bullies feed on more than knowing that they are hurting their victims. In fact, blaming the victim is very empowering to a victim and this attitude, in general, leads to social Darwinism and societies in which the "strong" (i.e. predatory individuals who have no ethics) end up on top and in control. This is also the kind of thinking that has women in burkas and unable to leave the house without a man in other countries (b/c they are blamed if/when they are raped).
Moreover, a lot of bullies don't stop until they know that they have hurt their victims, which means simply laughing it off or fighting back will cause the harassement to escalate rather than stop. Either that, or the victim becomes so desperate for the bullying to stop that he/she gets dad's shotgun and decides to blow everyone in the school away.
It's just too idealistic to say that this is the victim's fault and that a different mentality or attitude on his/her part is going to resolve the situation.
Actually, in my experience in raising my kids and dealing with different types of kids, bullies know for a fact that they're hurting their victims and that is why the continue to do it- because they know they can get a rise out of the victim. Isn't that what they want? Kids aren't stupid. They know what would hurt someone and continue to do so because they see how much it hurts.
I'm not saying this is the victims fault. What I'm saying is that she should refuse to let herself become the victim. One thing that I've always told my kids is "you can't control other people's actions, you can only control your own". When the bullies see that they don't phase her, they'll stop. This comes with confidence.
Which also brings up another point- my son was being verbally bullied by a boy in his class a few years ago. After months of hell, with getting the principal involved, phone calls to parents, me getting very involved, etc. trying to stop it (none of that worked), my son finally did something for him that nobody else had done. Sat and talked to him. And it turned out, he just needed someone to listen to him, and they've been great friends ever since. I'm not saying this is the case in this scenario, but things aren't always what they seem to be..
The only real solution to bullying is to cease being a victim. The problem lies with your daughter, not the bullies. Work on her self-confidence and ability to handle conflict and not only will she be stronger/better for it, you will most likely solve your bullying issue as well.
Sadly, calling in the cavalry of adults with principals, counselors, parents, etc. will never fix the issue.
I can't believe it's 2011 and people are actually finding creative ways to make it seem like bullying is ok. Really? The daughter is 'the problem'? So the daughter builds self-esteem and they move on to the next victim. Then what? The principal and administrators are not cavalry. We drop our kids off 5 days a week and hope that they are educating our kids and keeping them safe.
Bet you also think those rape victims were 'asking for it'.
Is anybody aware of all the bullying cases in the news recently? The cases that resulted in suicide??? Anybody catch that youtube video of the kid in Australia who snapped after years of being bullied and almost cracked his aggressor's skull? Seems like quite a few 'bully parents' here trying to justify the actions of their kids.
I don't think anyone is saying the girls being bullied are "asking for it"....
There is a difference between blaming the victim and empowering her. If a child is being bullied it is not their fault. Of course. However, that does not mean that we shouldn't teach empowering techniques. Go to a class where they teach self defense for women. They will tell you to walk in the light, be aware of your surroundings and walk purposefully. Those are techniques proven to discourage predators. That is not saying that women who are attacked and who were distracted or walk dejectedly are "asking for it".....apples and oranges.
Actually, in my experience in raising my kids and dealing with different types of kids, bullies know for a fact that they're hurting their victims and that is why the continue to do it- because they know they can get a rise out of the victim. Isn't that what they want? Kids aren't stupid. They know what would hurt someone and continue to do so because they see how much it hurts.
I'm not saying this is the victims fault. What I'm saying is that she should refuse to let herself become the victim. One thing that I've always told my kids is "you can't control other people's actions, you can only control your own". When the bullies see that they don't phase her, they'll stop. This comes with confidence.
Which also brings up another point- my son was being verbally bullied by a boy in his class a few years ago. After months of hell, with getting the principal involved, phone calls to parents, me getting very involved, etc. trying to stop it (none of that worked), my son finally did something for him that nobody else had done. Sat and talked to him. And it turned out, he just needed someone to listen to him, and they've been great friends ever since. I'm not saying this is the case in this scenario, but things aren't always what they seem to be..
I agree that she should refuse to be a victim. However, when you start saying things like, "The bullies bully her b/c she does X,Y, Z" then you are looking for culpability on the part of the victim. Moreover, you really don't know how determined these particular bullies are (and neither do I, for that matter). But I think that it is important to point out that sometimes laughing it off works and sometimes it makes the bullies more determined and/or aggressive.
This is not the OP's daughter's fault; she may be attracting bullies by being who she is but she will play into the hands of the bullies if she modifies her behavior b/c of them. In fact, that is usually exactly what the bully wants: control and attention.
In short, while the daughter may try certain techniques, the most effective way to deal with it is to go to the proper authorities; that's what you do when you're an adult. Otherwise, these techniques are sending the message to the victim that he/she should modify his/her behavior due to pressure from these kinds of people, which will take some energy--energy that should be channeled towards school work, not bullies. Moreover, the techniques might deter the bullies or they might enrage them even further.
Either way, bullying has become so sophisticated that it is better to get the authorities involved than to advise a child to deal with it on his/her own. At some point, our society simply has to stop tolerating it rather than trying to defeat it.
If this keeps happening for months on end and nothing ever changes, then I think it's your responsibility to take her out of that situation. It's not going to help her in anyway by keeping her in that school.
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