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Old 03-26-2011, 09:03 PM
 
4,502 posts, read 11,591,466 times
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My DD12 is in middle school. She's a very sweet girl and very sensitive. She likes to be peaceful, does not like conflict of any kind at all.

Of course, the "mean girls" have picked up on this and are picking on her ---- either by talking about her (so she can hear it) or saying things to her or teasing her. She was crying last weekend about it and told me she doesn't want to go to school on Monday. It happened again today (the crying about going back to school on Monday).

I told her she has to go to school and to ignore the "mean girls" and just hang around the good friends she has. Easier said than done. I mean, seriously, how can you ignore someone talking about you and intentionallyl saying it loud enough for you to hear???

I also told her that, sometimes, if you confront the "mean girls", they will stop. For example, "MaryJane, why do you talk about me and say things that aren't true. Are you trying to make me look bad?" Of course, my DD won't do that since she doesn't like confrontation or conflict.

I'm just so sad for her and feel horrible that she has to go through this (to the point where I want to cry about it).

We've watched the movie "Mean Girls" so many times, we've discussed bullying, etc but nothing is getting through to her and she's allowing these girls to make her life miserale.

Any advice or ideas would be great.

Thanks!!!!!
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:19 PM
 
Location: Florida
3,878 posts, read 2,972,551 times
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I feel for her. I was picked on during 6th grade and spent many an afternoon crying about it in my room.

These feelings don't go away as they get older... a 17 year old I know was recently sobbing because of something that a friend said about her.

Honestly, this is one of the (minor) reasons that we homeschool. I hate the "socialization" that some kids are getting in school, and being bullied can have major implications even later in life. If she were an adult and being treated this way by coworkers, what would your advice be? If I were being bullied at work, I'd confront the bully once, then go to my supervisor. Adults don't put up with that crap, and there's no reason for children to have to. Can you involve the teacher? I would probably do that at this point, and have her let the mean girls know that that type of behavior won't be tolerated.
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
1,164 posts, read 1,676,218 times
Reputation: 1001
Quote:
Originally Posted by omigawd View Post


My DD12 is in middle school. She's a very sweet girl and very sensitive. She likes to be peaceful, does not like conflict of any kind at all.

Of course, the "mean girls" have picked up on this and are picking on her ---- either by talking about her (so she can hear it) or saying things to her or teasing her. She was crying last weekend about it and told me she doesn't want to go to school on Monday. It happened again today (the crying about going back to school on Monday).

I told her she has to go to school and to ignore the "mean girls" and just hang around the good friends she has. Easier said than done. I mean, seriously, how can you ignore someone talking about you and intentionallyl saying it loud enough for you to hear???

I also told her that, sometimes, if you confront the "mean girls", they will stop. For example, "MaryJane, why do you talk about me and say things that aren't true. Are you trying to make me look bad?" Of course, my DD won't do that since she doesn't like confrontation or conflict.

I'm just so sad for her and feel horrible that she has to go through this (to the point where I want to cry about it).

We've watched the movie "Mean Girls" so many times, we've discussed bullying, etc but nothing is getting through to her and she's allowing these girls to make her life miserale.

Any advice or ideas would be great.

Thanks!!!!!
At some point, your daughter will have to confront these types of people, whether she likes confrontation or not. Right now, it's just a bunch of middle school girls who think that they are better then everyone else. But she'll learn that there's people like that out in the real world that will also try to make her life an even more living hell than these girls are doing. She needs to tell these girls to both f*** off and t a life in her own words (preferably w/o using obscenities or violence). Talking to the principle and these girls' parents can only do so much (in school) and with the Internet and social networking sites today, the can easily bully your daughter right in the comforts of your own home without you even realizing it. Bullies prey on those who they feel are weak. If your daughter stands up to them, she might no longer be viewed as a weakling to them. The flip side is that they may see your daughter's confrontation as a challenge and may up the ante, who knows how these girls think? But she needs to stand up for herself, regardless of what the outcome may be.
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:35 PM
 
Location: Haifa
20,863 posts, read 22,386,630 times
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Quote:
....either by talking about her (so she can hear it) or saying things to her or teasing her....
You need to contact the Principal and make a Bullying complaint.

Quote:
...your daughter will have to confront these types of people...
Under current zero tolerence rules she might end up being suspended if she does.
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:49 PM
 
Location: playing in the colorful Colorado dirt
4,486 posts, read 4,299,035 times
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My 14yr old is going thru the same thing. It's not a group though, just one girl who thinks it's her mission in life to make my daughter's life a living hell.

After far too much drama, I finally convinced my daughter that the best way of dealing with this girl was to be extra nice to her. It's working in it's own way. It's driving the other girl nuts. Whenever this girl starts in on my daughter, she is met with a smile and a thank you or some other nice comment. Whenever my daughter is really about to loose it and punch the little brat's lights out she will just take a deep breath and say " Bless your heart honey" . In the south where I come from, depending on your tone of voice, that can mean anything from bless your heart to *********.

I applaud my daughter's restraint because, at that age, I probably would have beaten the crap out of the girl.
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:59 PM
 
4,502 posts, read 11,591,466 times
Reputation: 4037
I spoke with the principal about it the other day and, lo and behold, she was VERY familiar with every name I mentioned. She's going to talk to the girls but, somehow, I doubt this will solve the problem. She said she's going to tell them a teacher or lunch worker brought it up to her so it doesn't look like my DD said something or like I said something.

It's a shame but so true that she will have to deal with people like this in the real world when she gets older and is in the workplace.

The thing that's really messed up is --- and this has been said so many times by experts, etc --- is that the verbal bullying is often worse than physical bullying. You keep hearing their words over and over and over. It sucks. I had an extremely abusive "boyfriend" way back when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I'm now 48 and can STILL "hear" a lot of the horrible, rotten things he said to me and it still hurts just as bad now as it did 20+ years ago (even though I know none of it was or is true).

I wish they would enforce "zero tolerance". They all talk about it but it honestly never seems to be enforced. The kids will get "in school suspension" or "lunch detention" but no real punishment and nothing to inconvenience the parents. Sometimes I think it's better to give out of school suspension so the parents will be inconvenienced (having to take off work or find child care). Maybe then the parents will realize there's a problem. With "in school" consequences, nothing is put on the parents. Not very constructive, I would think.
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Old 03-26-2011, 10:01 PM
 
4,502 posts, read 11,591,466 times
Reputation: 4037
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamelaBeurman View Post
My 14yr old is going thru the same thing. It's not a group though, just one girl who thinks it's her mission in life to make my daughter's life a living hell.

After far too much drama, I finally convinced my daughter that the best way of dealing with this girl was to be extra nice to her. It's working in it's own way. It's driving the other girl nuts. Whenever this girl starts in on my daughter, she is met with a smile and a thank you or some other nice comment. Whenever my daughter is really about to loose it and punch the little brat's lights out she will just take a deep breath and say " Bless your heart honey" . In the south where I come from, depending on your tone of voice, that can mean anything from bless your heart to *********.

I applaud my daughter's restraint because, at that age, I probably would have beaten the crap out of the girl.
Your daughter is doing the right thing! I wish my daughter would do that. I'm going to suggest it to her.

I love the "Bless Your Heart" thing.... Caroline Rhea (comedian) used to use that in her act. HILARIOUS!!!! (I've used it a few times myself!)
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Old 03-26-2011, 10:10 PM
 
Location: WI
2,808 posts, read 3,031,450 times
Reputation: 4772
The best "revenge"? Smile, laugh and never let them know it hurt you. Kill 'em with kindness. Bullies want to deal with the ones who are very vocal in saying "that hurt me" or whatever. Because isn't that what they want? To hurt the one they're targeting? Confronting most likely won't change a whole lot. Just avoid the girls, keep the close/nice friends she does have and whenever she's near the mean girls, be overly (but not "fakey") nice and they'll stop.

And I'm also very sorry your daughter is going through this. Middle school is the pits for our kids (and us for having to deal with this stuff!) sometimes, isn't it?
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Old 03-26-2011, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Haifa
20,863 posts, read 22,386,630 times
Reputation: 8611
Dignity for All Students Act | New York Civil Liberties Union (NYCLU) - American Civil Liberties Union of New York State (http://www.nyclu.org/issues/lgbt-rights/dignity-all-students-act - broken link)


Quote:
I spoke with the principal about it the other day and, lo and behold, she was VERY familiar with every name I mentioned.
Put it in writing and send it up to the person above the principal (Superintendent, Bd of Ed, etc...) if it doesn't stop by Monday. School is not the same as it was in the 70's. Back then we could stand up to the bully and be in the right. Now they get suspended with them.
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Old 03-27-2011, 05:34 AM
 
Location: Back in MADISON Wi thank God!
1,047 posts, read 3,208,949 times
Reputation: 1377
this just makes me so angry. What have the stupid parents done to their rotten, mean daughters when they found out from the school that they were picking on people? we have ingrained into our kids that treating someone unkindly is not an option, and if we ever found out that they were mean to anyone, the school wouldn't need to do anythingabout it because they would no longer be alive! Seriously, kids can be cruel, and parents need to educate on behavior. I am so sorry for your daughter. If it were me [and I do have a daughter not yet in middle school] I would get her into some sort of self esteem, confidence building training so she can stand up to these bullies.
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