Elective Single Parenting (getting married, American, dad, problems)

[TiltheEndofTime]

Originally Posted by Hopes

OMG. It's a cultural issue! That's so sad. The plight of the AA community is the absense of fathers. It's not something to celebrate.

Oh, I wish you would step outside of your small world for a moment and really consider what you're saying and planning.

Seriously. Are you not even aware of WHY fathers are absent in the AA community?

Hopefully after you've finished your higher education, your view will change.

Lack of education is the big reason and poverty moreso than single motherhood.

I have been fortunate to have a great male role model in my life. He was my grandfather. If I were fortunate to find a guy as great as him, I would feel like I hit the jackpot. The farther I go in my education, the smaller my dating pool becomes. For every black male in my year, there are about three black women. I don't want my dismal dating prospects to negatively impact my desire or ability to have my own family.

My brothers and I did have our father and he was a poor role model in my life. Despite this, they have excelled. My sixteen year old brother attends a private Catholic school and is near the top of his class. He starts his first day in the work force tomorrow. My other younger brother is thirteen and is a science six and scores in the top one percent on standardized test. And I am working and in nursing school.

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by rkb0305

Either way, she has completely the wrong attitude about it, and it is painfully obvious that her experience with her own father has turned her away from all men. With her supposed education and determination for success, she wouldn't have a problem finding an educated upstanding man to be with. It is a shame she doesn't see the point in that.

I am speaking in general to single parenting. I don't have an opinion of that poster. Using single parenting in the black community is a red herring in my opinion.

[TiltheEndofTime]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

In the thread about the idea time to have a child, I mentioned how younger parents are more physically fit, but they have a tendency to be more self-centered and not see their child as a separate person. What lessons are you, as a parent, teaching that child? The most important lesson you teach is what kind of person that child should grow up to be. If you teach a child lessons such as, "Men can't be trusted" and "Fathers are unnecessary," what kind of person are you shaping? A girl who believes that men can't be trusted--what kind of woman will she grow up to be? What about a boy? What choices will he make as a man if he believes that men cannot be trusted and fathers are unnecessary? Who will teach him how to be a man?

A spouse is not just there to ooh and ahh over the happy times and help clean up the poop. A spouse is your most trusted advisor, your best friend who will back you up. Someone asked, "What if you're a terrible mother?" A spouse is there to help you make good decisions, just like you are there to help your spouse. Sometimes you need to hear, "No, that is a bad idea," and "What if we do it this way instead?" That's why you pick someone you trust and you take care of that person, and you have someone who trusts you and takes care of you too.

Teaching children that marriage (heck, even meaningful long-term commitment) is a useless relic and that men are dogs does them a grave disservice, I feel.

I have high standards in men and I have yet to find one that meets my standards. I want a real man. Like my grandfather. He worked three jobs to support his kids and was in the air force. He was honest, loyal, hardworking and a great father to all of his children.

I find that a good portion of my generation don't hold a candle to him. I see more men of all races abandoning their children. I realize that there are some good ones left but they are harder to come by.

I refuse to settle for someone not comparable to my mom's dad. Unfortunately, I see so many well educated women of all races who are single and have tried to settle down.

Sadly, marriage has become a joke. Just look at the divorce rates. I think it would more painful for a child to see their family breaking than to have come from what many of you describe as an incomplete family. For me, personally, I would have rather had no father than the one I got. Harsh, but true. Even my mom wishes she had left him and done it by herself.

[TiltheEndofTime]

Originally Posted by somebodynew

I am speaking in general to single parenting. I don't have an opinion of that poster. Using single parenting in the black community is a red herring in my opinion.

No. It isn't. Single parenting doesn't carry the stigma that it does in other communities. Some of those children turn out well, some don't.

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime

Sadly, marriage has become a joke. Just look at the divorce rates.

The divorce rate has been declining for several years and is around 35%. My 16-year anniversary is today.

Don't write the end to your story just yet.

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime

No. It isn't. Single parenting doesn't carry the stigma that it does in other communities. Some of those children turn out well, some don't.

Stigma has nothing to do with it. There is no stigma to single parenting anymore. And that is a good thing. But stigma likely has very little effect on the outcomes for the children.

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime

Sadly, marriage has become a joke. Just look at the divorce rates.

There is plenty funny abut my marriage. But I would not call it a joke. 18 years this year. That SOME people don't take marriage seriously does not make it a joke.

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime

Funny. I don't find children to be a burden but a blessing. So that kills part of your argument.


Apparently you haven't read the posts that have flat out said that a man or partner completes the family because one post did.

I have a brother with autism and my sorry excuse for a father didn't do anything to help my mom. My mom did all the work and I know from observation how difficult it was but it certainly wasn't impossible. I also have a grandmother who raised nine kids on her own because she refused to stay with her abusive alcoholic husband.

Raising babies single isn't new for the black community. We've been doing this for years.

How ignorant of the reality can you be, especially since you were raised in it? Ask your mom if this was what she chose. Ask your grandmother, too.

[TiltheEndofTime]

Originally Posted by steelstress

No little girl, YOU shove it. you are not doing anything FOR this child. You are doing something all for YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. And who are YOU to inflict a less than ideal situation for this baby?

Also, You shouldn't be inflicting this on your mother. Her position as a grandmother is not to be the de facto parent. You won't be, you won't be around for most of the day-to-day activity. Chances are your won't be the one to see the baby take its first step, say its first word. What you will be doing is consigning the WORK of raising a kid to YOUR MOTHER, while still calling yourself a parent.

So shove it.

Name calling isn't necessary. If you can't be an adult and have a mature conversation, then simply don't reply.

My mom WANTS to provide free daycare while I am at work. She WANTS to be an active grandparent. Why? Her parents are getting older, all of her children will be grown, and she herself is not going to be working forever. It will be mutually beneficial. She will have my brother and I pay all the bills and I will have a great day care provider on my three working days. Why you have a problem with that, I have no idea.

Also want to add that I am entering a career where it is common for people to work two sixteen or three twelve you shifts. Very flexible.

[TiltheEndofTime]

Originally Posted by somebodynew

There is plenty funny abut my marriage. But I would not call it a joke. 18 years this year. That SOME people don't take marriage seriously does not make it a joke.

Try. My parents were married for twenty seven years and my grandparents were married for thirty seven years before divorcing. Don't think you aren't immune to divorce. Eighteen years in comparison to nearly forty is nothing...no offense.