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Old 04-26-2011, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Denver area
16,698 posts, read 11,150,261 times
Reputation: 18211
Quote:
Originally Posted by mypostingid View Post
As beachmel said it, my kids are exactly the poster child for wanting both worlds. They want to live like they can do as they like but not contribute to the household.

I feel like my hands are tied as far as getting them to help out or move out. I'm really tired of having the extra work to do while they are no longer children.
My guess is that this isn't an "all of a sudden, out of the blue" attitude. What has been expected of them in the past? How did they get to be this age without understanding that everyone in a household needs to make some contribution?
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Old 04-26-2011, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,914 posts, read 4,745,230 times
Reputation: 18977
Quote:
Originally Posted by mypostingid View Post
As beachmel said it, my kids are exactly the poster child for wanting both worlds. They want to live like they can do as they like but not contribute to the household.

I feel like my hands are tied as far as getting them to help out or move out. I'm really tired of having the extra work to do while they are no longer children.
It can be tough! I know! What you need to do is sit down by yourself, figure out what's fair, as far as hr/wage and what chores they are to be responsible for to cover their "rent" and utilites. Lay it down on the table in front of your kids, along with a stack of 33 gal trash bags. Either this, or these! Lay down your expectations to them and let them know that they are no longer children and will NOT behave as children. We discussed this sort of things BEFORE my kids turned 18, so it wasn't a shock. Before he turned 18, my oldest child decided that he didn't want to follow rules and didn't feel as if he should have to contribute anything (do any chores) at home. He made the decision to move in with a family who bought his line about having to do "everything" around the house...leaving him no time to do his homework (an explanation of why he was flunking his classes). This started a trend which lasted for many years.

Folks he was living off of, quite quickly discovered that he had his own ahem, unique way of viewing things. He learns things the hard way, including ....people are not as stupid as you wish they were. People want to believe what you're TELLING them, ......after all, why would you lie? Fortunately, my other children are not so inclined and understand that you do your part. We only have one left in public school...and hopefully his 2 older, compliant siblings have been a good enough example to him of how we work as a "team" and that's how it should be. Nothing in life is free and the best place to teach our children that is at home. Good luck to you OP...they're going to be mad at you for now....later, they will understand and appreciate your backbone!
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Old 04-26-2011, 02:46 PM
 
4,437 posts, read 5,460,805 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mypostingid View Post
I feel like my hands are tied as far as getting them to help out or move out.
Why?
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Old 04-26-2011, 03:22 PM
 
20,804 posts, read 29,203,892 times
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If my kids wanted to live rent free they would be doing ALL of the house/yardwork. The rule is here you are in school full-time to get a free place to live. Once they get out of school or chose not to continue school, they get 6 months to get their life in order and get a full time job. After that if they want to stay living here, they will pay rent. Kids NEED to learn to be adults and NEED to learn how to support themselves. Now, if down the road they run into serious financial difficulties through no fault of their own, we will certainly offer a place for them, but they will also be expected to help out around the house again.
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Old 04-26-2011, 04:10 PM
 
Location: Destrehan, Louisiana
2,192 posts, read 3,326,841 times
Reputation: 3476
Quote:
Originally Posted by mypostingid View Post
Anyone who has over 18 y/o children living at home, what do you see as reasonable expectations for them and contributions to the household?

I had chores to do as a kid, then I married and had kids young, and now I'm 40 with an 18 and 21 y/o.

I feel like if they want to continue to live here rent free, they need to be contributing to the household along the lines of getting things done like trash, dishes, lawn work instead of expecting their parents to do everything and them to live like children forever.

Why haven't your kids been helping out around the house? Do they have to be 18 or 21 before they start?

My kids started around 5 with little things like cleaning there room. Putting dirty clothes in the washroom, etc. As they got older there chores got bigger like vacuuming the house, putting out the trash, cutting the grass, etc.

With that said. My son is 19 but like a 12 year old, he's artistic and will most likely live with us until we die.

Our daurgte is 26 and moved out after high school. Worked three jobs and put herself through college. Completed college and got a realtors licenses and an insurance licenses. Started working in both fields while still working at a restaurant until she built it up.

Was doing great until a little over two years ago and was almost killed by a drunk driver. Mover her back in and she went through about a year of rehabilitation and has just recently started putting her life back together and will be moving out this summer.

Even when she was rehabilitating she was expected to do what ever chores she could do. Same whit our son, he may be artistic but he's expected to do what he's capable of doing.

We only have two rules here. If you live under our roof you contribute to the household chores. And you're expected to have a job when you turn 18 even if it part time working on the weekends.

Our daughter tells us that the best thing we ever did for her was to let he put herself through college. She says she did so much better knowing the money came out of her pockets and not ours. She finished school with a small student loan of under $2K and paid that off.

busta
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Old 04-26-2011, 04:20 PM
 
18,870 posts, read 13,488,400 times
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Just say no. Have a timeline for moving out, discuss it at the beginning of each month, where they are on moving out. I don't think that letting adult children live at home is really doing them any favors. From what I have seen, it does not motivate them, they just enjoy all the luxury, without paying for it. My kids did live at home during college, but they had jobs, and went to school, and then, they moved out. (maybe I am just too mean to live with)...they were expected to keep their rooms clean, clean the bathrooms, do yard work, take care of Mom's car, and pick up after themselves. I did not cook them food, or expect them home for meals. as for laundry, I stopped washing kids clothes at age 14, they wash their own stinky clothes. I did expect them to NEVER bring home any overnight guests, big time NO WAY in my home. That was made clear. (probably why they moved out!). No smoking, no drinking, no loud music....see why they moved? If you are a CHILD living at home, you live like a CHILD. When you are grown up, and supporting yourself, do whatever you want.

Last edited by jasper12; 04-26-2011 at 04:22 PM.. Reason: edit.
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Old 04-26-2011, 05:03 PM
 
624 posts, read 828,217 times
Reputation: 689
Quote:
Originally Posted by mypostingid View Post
Anyone who has over 18 y/o children living at home, what do you see as reasonable expectations for them and contributions to the household?

I had chores to do as a kid, then I married and had kids young, and now I'm 40 with an 18 and 21 y/o.

I feel like if they want to continue to live here rent free, they need to be contributing to the household along the lines of getting things done like trash, dishes, lawn work instead of expecting their parents to do everything and them to live like children forever.
Every parents has different expectations that they set. It appears you have really not had any expectations for them to live up to so they are doing what they have always done. Did they just start not helping or have you always done everything for them?

IMHO if they are working full time they should have some sort of short term plan for moving out of your house. If that discussion has not happened yet it needs to happen asap.

If the other one is going to school 2 days a week what is he doing the other 5? Its great he is going to school but I would expect him to have a job or be in school every day.

You are having a tough time because its very hard to fix whats been broken for years.
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Old 04-26-2011, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Northern California
910 posts, read 681,350 times
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If they are working full time they should be paying rent. Rent should be dependent on how much they make and if they are consuming your food or not. It's reasonable to expect rent payment but if they aren't making a lot and feel guilty about charging rent you can always set aside a portion of the rent money secretly to later be used as a deposit on a place of their own.

They should be doing chores, working or not. Anyone who lives in a house should help clean it.

If they aren't working they better be applying for jobs like crazy or going to school.
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Old 04-26-2011, 08:17 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 32,237,646 times
Reputation: 21458
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
My guess is that this isn't an "all of a sudden, out of the blue" attitude. What has been expected of them in the past? How did they get to be this age without understanding that everyone in a household needs to make some contribution?
I agree with everyone so far. Yes, they should move out and be independent self reliant adults, and they should really pitch in and help around the house but maybe for whatever reason the parent let some of that slide when they were little and so at age 18 or 19, they aren't balls of fire when it comes to housework.

And the parents know their own adult kid the best - and when the parent thinks it's time to go, adulthood isn't just some magic number as far as age, some kids might be better off living at home a couple more years, but others you couldn't keep home if you wanted.

To me once they're 18 or so, they become like roommates and they might not be your first choice in a roommate but they might be tolerable. Or they might be pretty good roommates.

Sometimes if they work another shift, you almost don't know they're there but there can even be a security aspect in having someone at home most of the time.

As far as what they should be required to do - I think a minimum is do their own laundry, take care of their own room, pick up after themselves, pay their own car and gas, cell phones, and not eat too much of your food, they have to at least be moving toward independence.
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Old 04-30-2011, 06:20 AM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 1,732,058 times
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This is what we have done with our oldest two:

If they are in college, full time, they are rent free but are required to keep their bathroom and bedroom clean, keep their stuff picked up around the house, help babysit their little brother when needed, do any household chores they are asked.

If they are not in college full time: They are expected to pay rent, and do all of the above mentioned things, plus they are expected to have a plan for moving out. In other words, be saving money towards that goal and have a set date when they will be going even if that means a year from now.

Our oldest is in college full time and will graduate in Dec. He has never paid rent because he has always been in school and is only home over summers and Christmas break. Over the summer he is saving to go back to school so no rent is charged.
Our middle graduated from high school last year. She went 1 semester of Community College and then took this semester off and works two jobs. She pays her car payment and most of her bills. We have given her until August to come up with a plan for her future. If she does not go back to school in August, she will pay rent and need a plan. She says she is going back to school (we will see). If she doesn't, she will pay $200. and we will put it away for her (without telling her that's what we are doing). When she moves out we will give her the money.

They are also expected to live by house rules when home. That means, letting us know where they are, coming home at a decent hour, and being respectful.
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