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Some of you may remember my posts from about a month ago. The situation was that my 15-year-old son finished his freshman year of high school four weeks ago, with an F in Math. I grounded him for the entire summer as a punishment for slacking off in school.
The terms of his grounding were originally: No TV, No Computer, No Video Games, No phone, no friends, no desserts, no going outside, and no bedroom door. He also had to do all his sibling's chores in addition to his own. This is all what "grounding" usually means in our household. Since he has often slacked off in math, I added extra punishments: he had to watch the rest of us eat dessert whenever we had dessert, and I made his siblings tell him about all the summer fun they had each day. I did this to add to his punishment by reminding him what he was missing out on, so he'd learn a lesson. Additionally, we are going on vacation to Hawaii in late July and he was not going to be allowed to come.
My wife did not agree with the punishment, and thought I was being borderline cruel. Last week she lifted my son's grounding.
My son had been warned repeatedly that he would be grounded for the whole summer if he didn't study harder, and now my wife won't let me follow through on my warning! His grounding was exactly the punishment he knew he would get under our "Ground-for-Grades" system. "Ground for Grades" was a system we came up with when my son was in 5th grade to motivate our kids to do well in school. At that time, my daughters were in 4th and 7th grade, and my other son was in second grade. Ground-For-Grades, or G4G, as we call it for short, is a system of consequences and rewards for grades.
Here's how G4G works: At each quarterly report card, if one of the kids gets any grade below a B, they are grounded from going outside, friends, and all electronics until they bring their grades up. At the end of the school year, on the final report card, they are not allowed to get any grade except A's. They are grounded for 1 week for each B, a month for each C, and for the Entire Summer if they fail any classes (this includes if they get a D, because D is not a passing grade in my book). This time it is a full fledged grounding: No TV, computer, video games, phone, friends, or desserts, and they have to do all their sibling's chores in additon to their own. Also, once my kids started getting old enough that privacy was very important to them, I started removing the bedroom door whenever they were grounded as well.
G4G also includes rewards: At the end of each school year, the children get a $20 reward for each A, plus a $50 bonus for straight A's. A- doesn't count, it has to be a solid A or A+. There are also rewards of $5 for each A and a $10 bonus for straight A's at each quarterly report card. Also, whoever gets the best grades at the end of the school year gets to have a TV in their room for the entire summer, and into the next school year if they can get straight A's on all their assignments. As soon as they get a B on any assignment or quiz, the TV gets removed, as I will not allow it to distract them from school.
I came up with G4G back 5 years ago when my kids were getting less-than-satisfactory grades, and we needed a way to motivate them to do well in school. My wife wanted to just "help them to understand the subject" if they were having trouble in school. I said we shouldn't molly-coddle them, we needed to motivate them with punishments for bad grades and rewards for good grades. That's when I cam up with G4G. My wife was horrified at first., but I convinced her to try it out for one school year. The kids were told about G4G, and I wrote out all the terms of G4G and to this day it is on our refrigerator, as a reminder of the rewards for good grades and consequences of bad grades. That school year, the kid's grades improved tremendously, now that they had motivation to do well in school. My wife was forced to admit that G4G worked and never questioned it again until recently.
My wife was never comfortable with the punishmetn I gave my son for failing math. She thought it was too harsh and that I was being cruel. At the advice of some of the posters on here last time I asked for help, we did hire a tutor for my son. The tutor unfortunately agrees with my wife, and said that grounding is not going to make my son do better. He also seemed shocked that my son had to do all his sibling's chores, that we removed his bedroom door, and that he had to watch us eat dessert and wasn't allowed to have any. I suppose he has a right to be shocked, as it seems most parents these days would rather be their kid's friends. But now that my wife had the tutor on her side, she lifted my son's grounding, at least partially. He still is grounded from TV, computer and video games, and my wife thankfully didn't give him his cell phone back. But he is allowed to use the home phone on a limited basis, and he is allowed to see friends under supervision as well. I worry that my kids won't be motivated any more, since G4G is no longer in place. Worse still, my wife rescinded a punishment I dished out, so now not only will my kids not take punishments seriously, since they might end early, but they'll also know they can run crying to my wife whenever I ground them and she'll just rescind the punishment. But my wife did point out that G4G must not work that well, or my son wouldn't have failed math. Also, the tutor agrees with her. I thought the tutor was a waste of money (which we don't have a lot off right know, as we've been saving up for over a year for the trip to Hawaii). But my son is making progess with the tutor's help, so I did listen to him.
My wife and I have had some huge arguments about whether or not to ground my son. I worry that now that we don't agree on punishments, the kids will take advantage of us and that they will divide and conquer us and walk all over us now that they know my wife will just rescind all the punishments I give them.
Please help! I need parenting advice. Who is right, me or my wife? Should we come up with a new system to replace G4G, or should we just modify G4G and maybe make it less strict, or perhaps more about rewards and less about punishments? How can we motivate our kids to do well in school?????
I don't believe you're "for real." I think you are maybe a bored troll. If you are "for real," you need SERIOUS help.
None of your punishments were appropriate - not the severity, not the humiliation . . . the punishments didn't even vaguely "fit the crime."
It is your son's life . . .if he fails, HE will have consequences . . . your job is to HELP HIM SUCCEED. And the way to do that is to love him, to support him, to offer him assistance in the areas where he needs assistance (such as tutoring, or summer school, or computer programs, or whatever tools and resources might be available).
I think it is "cruel and unusual punishment" to take the door off of a teenage boy's room. He is not a drug addict (but you might drive him in that direction with your abuse).
What goes on in your head to make you think you are even close to being correct in your parenting?
Your other children must be basket cases.
Who could eat desert with a family member looking on - not being able to partake? That is one of the sickest things I have ever heard. You are teaching your other children to be bullies, like yourself . . .
But you must know all of this because you MUST be a troll. No one could seriously be so deluded. Have you not read any parenting books, or watched any TV even? Were you raised by monsters yourself? I feel very sorry for your wife and your poor son. He must have no self-esteem. Does he hate you?
<snip>
My wife did not agree with the punishment, and thought I was being borderline cruel. Last week she lifted my son's grounding.
<snip>
My wife was never comfortable with the punishmetn I gave my son for failing math. She thought it was too harsh and that I was being cruel. At the advice of some of the posters on here last time I asked for help, we did hire a tutor for my son. The tutor unfortunately agrees with my wife, and said that grounding is not going to make my son do better.
<snip>
My wife and I have had some huge arguments about whether or not to ground my son. I worry that now that we don't agree on punishments, the kids will take advantage of us and that they will divide and conquer us and walk all over us now that they know my wife will just rescind all the punishments I give them.
Please help! I need parenting advice. Who is right, me or my wife? Should we come up with a new system to replace G4G, or should we just modify G4G and maybe make it less strict, or perhaps more about rewards and less about punishments? How can we motivate our kids to do well in school?????
Thank you in advance.
As I recall, the vast majority of people responding to your previous posts said that your punishment system was way too harsh, and suggested you get a tutor for your son instead of punishing him (or at least instead of punishing him so harshly). So kudos to you for taking the step of hiring a tutor. And it's good to hear that your son is making progress with the tutor's help.
Now you find that the tutor agrees with your wife (and with the majority of posters on your previous thread) that your punishment system is too harsh and your wife has now partially lifted the grounding to a level where she (and the tutor) are more comfortable. And I'm pretty sure the majority of posters here will also agree that the current punishment is more appropriate.
So to answer your question - yes you need to scale back your G4G system and make it more about rewards than about punishment. Yes you will probably find that the kids will try to take advantage of a situation where one parent wants to be much stricter than the other. It is important for both parents to be on the same page when it comes to these sorts of matters and for one parent not to undermine the other. I acknowledge that your wife has undermined your preferred system, but it should never have been introduced in the first place without your wife's full support and agreement.
You need to just accept the majority view that your ideas of punishment are way too strict. Let your wife take the lead in this regard - it is much more important that both parents strictly enforce a punishment (however light it may seem to you) than have one parent frequently backing down because they aren't in agreement with it.
The bottom line is that your son is now making progress. Hooray for him - good job son! And please don't even think about not taking him to Hawaii with you.
Last edited by Kobber; 07-01-2011 at 01:19 AM..
Reason: grammar
Sorry, your G4G system is just extreme... extremely stupid.
Punishment for a C grade? Are you kidding? Some kids just don't grasp certain subjects as well as others. Don't be unreasonable. Time to stop that. You obviously didn't listen the first time you posted here.
And your wife is right. She was right in overruling you. I normally don't advocate parents doing that, but every once in a while, when one is being unreasonable, the other has to step in and hit the other over the head with a metaphorical 2 by 4.
Your son is doing better with the tutor, and you STILL insist on being a jerk to your son? Removing his bedroom door? Really? How does that consequence inspire your son to do better? The tutor even sees how ridiculous you are. And you're just too pig-headed to consider that everyone else, including your wife and tutor, are right.
Your problem is you just refuse to see and accept that your methods are just ridiculous. Get the hell over yourself and accept that your son may not ever excel in math... he's most likely just average. I know, the horror! One of your kids just average at something. And why in hell do you think he should be punished for that?
You are being unreasonable to your kid. See if he doesn't rebel in other ways.
By the way, you didn't come here for parenting advice... you came here trying to find out what to do about your wife.
Last edited by steelstress; 07-01-2011 at 01:22 AM..
Your punishment is extremely harsh. If the punishment is too harsh it will not be effective. Your punishment will wind up having the opposite effect. He will hate math because he will associate punishment with math. Maybe math is not his subject. I have 3 kids and they excel in different things.
I often wondered about my youngest daughter she seemed little slow to me. I had her tested it turned out that she has an extremely high I Q but her processing speed for writing was slow in Middle School. The school tested her and will give more time to do her tests even the SAT. But so far she is not asking for more time. It must have been a growing phase. She is in a Blue Ribbon High School and was given a High Honors award her first 2 years. If she keeps this up she should get an academic scholarship for college. You just have a different child. You and your wife need to sit down and talk. Have your child tested. I live in Westchester NY. The schools are good and my school district is small. Try KUMON tutoring for math.
Like I said in your other thread, you're the one who needs to be punished, because you have failed your son. You should have the door taken off your room and be forced into sociability, because you have failed to learn it, and you are failing to teach it to your son. You should not be allowed to go to Hawaii, because you haven't gotten your son's grades up to straight A's which you (for whatever ridiculous reason) feel is the end-all be-all to life as a teenager. Since your son's education takes first priority over even eating, and you have failed to provide your son with a stimulating enough education that he can learn from it, you should not be allowed to eat dessert. And furthermore, to really drive home this point, your son (the one who go the F) should write a 2-paragraph report, every day, that you are required to read out loud to your entire family, about how delicious his dessert was that day.
What everyone else said. If your posts are for real, I think you need some serious parenting help as well as a total adjustment on how you view grades/academic success.
I'm glad your wife did what she did. I commented last time the punishment was unrealistic. I still feel you were partially at fault knowing for his failure. He needed your help. Studying won't help if you don't understand because you are probably studying the wrong thing. You should have gotten him a tutor.
If you want to motivate your kids maybe you should reward not punish. Basically you want them to work to not get in trouble not for reward. That's not how society works.
BTW: You're lucky the tutor didn't call CPS!!!!
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