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You base your entire post on an erroneous premise: that discipline means to teach. That is categorically incorrect. You might choose to give it that connotation, but that is not its meaning.
Discipline is to drill or impose law/order/rules, to compel obedience through punishments and/or rewards.
The root word of discipline comes from the Latin to teach. The purpose of discipline is not to control a child, but rather that the child learn to control himself. A child learns to control himself much better if he is guided rather than shoved towards proper behavior.
I don't link to bing websites. But here's what I found when I typed "define discipline" in google:
dis·ci·pline/ˈdisəplin/
Verb: Train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
Noun: The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. More » Wikipedia - Dictionary.com - Answers.com - Merriam-Webster
/ˈdɪs ə plɪn/ Show Spelled [dis-uh-plin] Show IPA noun, verb, -plined, -plin·ing. –noun. 1. training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military ...
dictionary.reference.com/browse/discipline - Cached - Similar
The word discipline means teaching. To teach your child right from wrong, you do not need to spank.
Note that if you do spank, you should never spank a child under 2 years old nor above 6 years old in general. You should also never leave a mark or bruise. You should also use this only as a last resort and quite infrequently. If your child's behavior does not change when you spank, then you really need to find other methods. Note that if you want your kids to listen to YOU, then you must learn to listen to THEM.
Here are some principles I found helped me when I was bringing up my own children and also in working with my grandchildren.
1. Model the behavior you want your child to have. This is very important. Children learn what they live. Teach by example, not just words. Example: If you want your child to be polite, make sure you are polite to her. Say please and thank you. Be kind and considerate.
2. Assume that your child is good even when his behavior is annoying. Each action has an underlying developmental reason. If you can find out the reason, you can change the behavior much more easily than if you deal only with the *symptom.* Example: If he is jumping on the couch, he may need more jumping outside time. A trampoline can be a way to get this behavior under control.
3. State your rules in positive not negative ways. Redirect her to things she can do rather than always saying *no.* It is much easier to replace bad behavior with good behavior when you give her alternatives that work for both of you. Example: Tell her to use her inside voice or walking feet instead of saying don't yell or stop running.
4. Always explain why the behavior you dislike is wrong and also explain why the behavior you like is right. You may need to get his attention by going close to him and/or touching his arm. Once you have his attention, explain on his level. Keep the words appropriate to his age and stage of development. Example: If he is hitting his sister, you can explain that hitting hurts depending on his age. You can use books that tell him hands are not for hitting and that there are things he can do with his hands like gently touching his sister, etc.
5. Give her choices between two or three acceptable behaviors. Make sure the need the behavior is addressing is met. Example: Ask her if she would like to come in the front door or the back door. This still gets her inside. Or ask her if she would like to play with her dolls or her blocks inside. Again, she still has to come inside, but she has a choice of which activities she can do once she comes in.
6. Give him warnings of transitions to make them easier to manage. A kitchen timer or counting helps with this. Children, like adults, need to complete activities when they are absorbed in them.Example: When you want him to come home and he is swinging, say *we will count 20 swings and then we have to go.* When he is working on a puzzle and you need him to come to dinner, set a timer or use a song on a cd to indicate the end of the transition.
7. Use time-outs to get her emotions and yours under control. These do not have to be punitive. Teach her to count, to breathe, to walk away. Model these for her and be proactive in teaching her how to manage her anger.
8. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't give a lot of warnings and do follow through after saying what you want ONCE. Think about things that are important and things you can let go. Give him time to comply, but follow through. Example: If he is not getting on his shoes, you might say *do you want to get your shoes on yourself or do you want me to put them on for you.* Silence and not doing it himself, implies he wants you to do it, so you get up and put his shoes on for him.
9. Plan for situations before they arise. Allow her to vent her anger, but have a plan in place to do what you need to do. Accept all her feelings. You can even be playful and grant wishes in *pretend space or later in the day.* Example: *I know you really want a cookie, so you can have one after dinner.* or *Let's pretend to be unicorns tonight.*
10. Involve him in making the rules and consequences as he gets older. Brainstorm and problem solve with him.
11. Give her chores appropriate to her developmental age. Everyone in the family should contribute to keeping the house up. Allow her input into what the chores should be and when to do them.
12. Make amends when you make a mistake. Don't let your errors fester. Apologize and accept his apologies as well.
13. Be playful. Parenting should not be *all* work and no *play.*
So you raised your children and did not have to spank them. GREAT!! This method works for you, and I'm sure others as well. On the other hand some parents spank their children. GREAT!! This method works for them. Obviously both methods have their good and bad, and people are going to agree to disagree on the subject. However to imply that we SHOULD follow your way is when you run into the resistance. Everyone is different and the ONLY thing we SHOULD do is what works best for each individual parent.
On the definition thing, outside of curiosity it doesn't matter what the root word meant in Latin 2,000 years ago, it only matters what the common accepted definition is today. Reminds me of Big Fat Greek Wedding...."Give me any word and I can show you how it has its roots in Greek"...well, who cares.
I suppose the only thing I would add is that every child is different and no singular method of discipline (or teaching for that matter) will work the same for every child or achieve the desired results. I'm not a regular spanker, but there are times when I've felt it was a needed tool. Only two of my three children are at an age where "discipline" is an issue, I'm fortunate that a simple, "no, no" still works for the 18 month old.
My son is the kind of kid where spanking won't do anything. The couple times we have tried it when he did something over-the-top ended in him being more defiant and daring us to do it again. He also responded poorly to time outs. What works with him is losing things he likes. Threaten to take a toy away or not be able to watch his favorite show or play a game on the computer and he straightens right up.
My daughter is the opposite. She could care less about losing things and while time outs work to an extent they don't really "punish" her either. For her, a simple swat when she does something deserving of it results in instant compliance and her being very reluctant to do it again.
So, I have one child who if I spanked him would simply shake his butt at me and say do it again and one where it gives the desired result and she changes her behavior. We had a big issue with her being overly phyiscal with her little sister, it was rapidly corrected with a swat on the butt and she has changed her behavior.
Basically, square pegs in round holes and all that.
The reason for using something positive is that when you say *don't yell,* your toddler hears *yell* and does not really hear or pay attention to the don't.
If you don't like inside voices, use something else like *let's whisper* or *it's time to be quiet.* The wording is not as important as simply telling the child what you want them to DO rather than what you do not want them to do.
The inside voices and walking feet phrases come from teaching in preschools and daycares.
The acoustics in my house must have been splendid (or else I had unusually smart kids - yeah that's it, bloomin geniuses) because when I said "don't" they heard and paid attention to "don't". Were they not suppose to?
And I very often told them what not to do. I wasn't worried it was going to hurt their little psyches. I didn't feel the need to give them choices. I was the mom. They were the four year olds.
Personally, I think all this "making it easy for them" dumbs kids down. I keep saying it here: Kids are smart. Most healthy, normal (whatever that is) kids, even toddlers, are capable of processing what Mom or Dad is saying when they say, "Don't...something".
I also wasn't going to say, "Let's whisper." That puts me on their level. Again. I am the Mom. I don't need to whisper. They're the ones that need to pipe down. (A favorite expression, BTW.)
The thing that gets me these days is that our society has developed where things are either right or wrong... there is either a punishment or not. I think our children need to learn a sliding scale of punishments when they are wrong. Spanking or not... doesn't matter to me. If my child refuses to do something minor or exhibits bad behavior that is not a huge problem, then the punishment fits the crime. If she pushes her baby sister around that's a more servere punishment all together.
The thing that gets me these days is that our society has developed where things are either right or wrong... there is either a punishment or not. I think our children need to learn a sliding scale of punishments when they are wrong. Spanking or not... doesn't matter to me. If my child refuses to do something minor or exhibits bad behavior that is not a huge problem, then the punishment fits the crime. If she pushes her baby sister around that's a more servere punishment all together.
I agree that is why limiting yourself to some of the "du jour" ideas regarding discipline don't always work. Not every infraction deserves nothing more than a time out and not every little thing deserves a swat to the rear, if one is so inclined.
Logic, reason and common sense are all you really need to figure out the best methods to use with your own child. It's why I always get a chuckle when someone says, "I tried doing what the "book" and Parents magazine said I should do, but it's not working."
Yep. This discussion on spanking is enlightening, but almost a non issue. The real issue is what do you do with a fourteen year old who steals money from your purse, ignores curfew, brings his friends over after school, and they completely eat all the food in the fridge, and leave the house a disaster? Gonna take "Mr. 6 foot" over your knee and paddle his bootie? Gonna give him "time out"? Like he cares. That is when parenting skills are almost a moot point. I had a son like this...his brothers and sisters were wonderful, normal, sweet children, who would NEVER even think of doing the stuff their brother did...when you have a deviant kid, that you would not trust for a second with an animal or small child, a kid that likes to start fires to "watch stuff burn"...please let me know what method of disciplne would work with this kid....btw, he is now 23, and not in prison! He is a nice young man now...how do you think we turned him around?
Yep. This discussion on spanking is enlightening, but almost a non issue. The real issue is what do you do with a fourteen year old who steals money from your purse, ignores curfew, brings his friends over after school, and they completely eat all the food in the fridge, and leave the house a disaster? Gonna take "Mr. 6 foot" over your knee and paddle his bootie? Gonna give him "time out"? Like he cares. That is when parenting skills are almost a moot point. I had a son like this...his brothers and sisters were wonderful, normal, sweet children, who would NEVER even think of doing the stuff their brother did...when you have a deviant kid, that you would not trust for a second with an animal or small child, a kid that likes to start fires to "watch stuff burn"...please let me know what method of disciplne would work with this kid....btw, he is now 23, and not in prison! He is a nice young man now...how do you think we turned him around?
I don't know what you did, but I am glad you were successful at turning him around.
Yep. This discussion on spanking is enlightening, but almost a non issue. The real issue is what do you do with a fourteen year old who steals money from your purse, ignores curfew, brings his friends over after school, and they completely eat all the food in the fridge, and leave the house a disaster? Gonna take "Mr. 6 foot" over your knee and paddle his bootie? Gonna give him "time out"? Like he cares. That is when parenting skills are almost a moot point. I had a son like this...his brothers and sisters were wonderful, normal, sweet children, who would NEVER even think of doing the stuff their brother did...when you have a deviant kid, that you would not trust for a second with an animal or small child, a kid that likes to start fires to "watch stuff burn"...please let me know what method of disciplne would work with this kid....btw, he is now 23, and not in prison! He is a nice young man now...how do you think we turned him around?
My guess would be he was raised with manners and morals and discipline, and even though he went through a stage of being difficult, his home training came back to him. That is why teaching kids respect when they are young is so important. You're right, once they get to be teenagers, are bigger and taller than you, and think they know everything, what can you do to them? "Now, now, Johnny, that's not the way we talk," isn't going to work. So many parents think they have to be their kids' friends these days, like they're afraid to be an authoritative figure. I think part of being a parent is letting your kids know that you're the one in charge and the one who makes the decisions. That doesn't mean you have to be an army drill sergeant about it, but they need to know that you have rules and expectations for their behavior, and that there are consequences if they choose not to follow them.
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