Boyfriend's Mother Has Not Helped At All (friends, raising, sister)
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So what? What do you care if someone has a nicer house, car, vacation, whatever? In order for the behavior to bother you, you have to let it bother you. Some people are proud of their acquisitions. So what? Why do you think they have to play by your rules?
I'm not a material person. Because I'm not a material person, it doesn't bother me when someone else brags on what they have. I just tell them that it's nice. That's all they want to hear. To them it's important. I think it's silly but I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion here so if a pat on the back makes them feel better, I'm game.
I personally don't care at all if someone has a nicer car, house, etc. than me. What I don't like is for someone else to go out of their way to try to make me feel bad about whatever it is I DO have. I'm not talking about someone innocently telling me about their nice vacation, or whatever. I'm talking about someone deliberately, for the express reason of trying to make someone else feel bad, boasting about themselves. If someone is just telling me about what they have, I would tell them it's nice too. But if they are constantly comparing, boasting, and putting others down, I would just stay away from them. To me, it's negative energy. Who wants to be around a person who can only be nice to themselves?
I wonder what will happen when her ex-husband dies and money stops coming in...I wonder how often she is going to brag about her purchases... because she hasn't worked in the past 20 years.
I'm not saying she's right. I'm just wondering where this is coming from on her side. What is her motivation
To the OP who said that it sounds like bitterness, you may be right. My mother struggled when I was a kid and it seems like she liked watching us struggle. Like she thought it was only right since she had too. It was our turn . And on the flip side she seems very resentful of all of the nice things my siblings have and do
Sounds like you are trying to put the focus on her, instead of concentrating on what you and your boyfriend can do for yourselves right now to ensure a good home for your baby.
If you want something from her, ask her directly - otherwise, don't be bitter about not getting whatever it is you seem to want. Not sure why you seem so entitled.
I know if it were my grandbaby, I would want to help, but I am the helping type and it sounds like she is not. What about his dad, your mom and dad, other grandparents, aunts . . . any good, helpful people among them?
Don't focus anymore negative energy on her, try to be positive and happy about the impending new life. Bitterness cannot be a good sea for your daughter to swim in.
I don't care anymore. We got to talking this morning and we are glad she is not helping, she will never be able to throw anything in our faces. We are going to make it on our own. It is going to be difficult at times but we have each other and we respect and love each other and are committed to raising this baby the best way we can.
His dad is very nice, very supportive and a big teddy bear. My dad moved back to this homeland and I haven't seen him in a few years, he didn't raise me and we never really had a relationship...My mother lives 20 miles away but said she wants nothing to do with me and her grandchild (I don't know my mother very well. She left me when I was a toddler). My sister, well, I don't know what happened to her. I haven't seen her since I came "home" on leave. I don't have her number. I wrote many letter to her asking her to call me but they all went unanswered and I never got a call. Both my grandparents (who raised me) passed away 2 years ago, my boyfriend's grandparents are all deceased...His aunt lives in England and she was visiting here this Summer but according to his mom, before she left she said she "hopes I lose the baby". LOL We're starting to believe someone else might have been the person who actually said that...
My aunt and my cousin are the people I am the closest too and both have been very helpful, I call my aunt everyday (she lives abroad) and we have a good relationship. It's too bad she moved away because I'd love to have her around when Katherine is born! She was the first person in my family (besides my mother) to hold me when I was born. My cousin will be here after the baby is born but she's never been around babies like me LOL don't know how that is going to turn out
Last edited by KickAssArmyChick; 05-16-2011 at 07:46 PM..
Reason: Added more information
We moved to a different apartment right outside of Boston.
I had no income for a couple months. Our rent was almost 2 thousand dollars - which is not outrageous around here. My boyfriend missed a lot of hours at work because I was in and out of the hospital and he had to take me there. I was told not to drive into the city because of my health. He made most of our income and we went from making 6k to less than half of that. We had to give up the apartment and find a different one down the street from where I work...in order to save on gas and because it is much cheaper to live here. At the time (meaning when I was on bed rest) I worked somewhere else and lived 10 minutes from there.
THIS explains why he lost his job! You two are old enough to know that you'll lose your job if you keep missing work. It doesn't matter what type of health problems a family member has. You have to work, no matter what.
You get someone else to drive you to the hospital. You call an ambulance if you don't have someone else. Or he drives you and leaves you there on his way to work. You do WHATEVER you need to do to get to work. I mean, seriously, you both made 6k together and you couldn't take a taxi to the hospital? Maybe that might have seemed like wasting money at the time. Hopefully you have learned that you lose MORE money by losing job.
You both are old enough that you should know that the world doesn't revolve around your health and your pregnancy. Employers don't care about your personal problems. You have to show up for work!
I hope you both learn from that experience. You're about to have a baby. Babies cause people to miss work if the aren't responsible and prepared for the unexpected. Daycare centers don't take sick children. You better start planning now for who will take care of your baby when it's sick. You and your boyfriend can't take off work. You will be just returning from maternity leave and he will be in his first year of employment with a new job.
START PLANNING NOW or you will be struggling because you both will be constantly losing jobs. Babies get sick a lot! PREPARE!
THIS explains why he lost his job! You two are old enough to know that you'll lose your job if you keep missing work. It doesn't matter what type of health problems a family member has. You have to work, no matter what.
Actually no, that is not the reason why he lost his job.
The company laid off my boyfriend and 5 other people altogether.
His boss had no problem with him leaving work early. His wife was also pregnant and had a high risk pregnancy at the time. He said to do what he had to do.
I don't care anymore. We got to talking this morning and we are glad she is not helping, she will never be able to throw anything in our faces. We are going to make it on our own. It is going to be difficult at times but we have each other and we respect and love each other and are committed to raising this baby the best way we can.
His dad is very nice, very supportive and a big teddy bear. My dad moved back to this homeland and I haven't seen him in a few years, he didn't raise me and we never really had a relationship...My mother lives 20 miles away but said she wants nothing to do with me and her grandchild (I don't know my mother very well. She left me when I was a toddler). My sister, well, I don't know what happened to her. I haven't seen her since I came "home" on leave. I don't have her number. I wrote many letter to her asking her to call me but they all went unanswered and I never got a call. Both my grandparents (who raised me) passed away 2 years ago, my boyfriend's grandparents are all deceased...His aunt lives in England and she was visiting here this Summer but according to his mom, before she left she said she "hopes I lose the baby". LOL We're starting to believe someone else might have been the person who actually said that...
My aunt and my cousin are the people I am the closest too and both have been very helpful, I call my aunt everyday (she lives abroad) and we have a good relationship. It's too bad she moved away because I'd love to have her around when Katherine is born! She was the first person in my family (besides my mother) to hold me when I was born. My cousin will be here after the baby is born but she's never been around babies like me LOL don't know how that is going to turn out
Quit looking at what you don't have. A support network doesn't have to be blood related. When I was a single mother, I hired my support network until I was able to establish a dependable network. Quit looking to family to be your rock. You clearly don't have that. It's time for you to find your rocks elsewhere. Surround yourself with friends. You and your boyfriend aren't enough. You'll lose your jobs if you don't have other people to help you care for your child. Reach out to friends. If you don't have friends, it's time you start making friends----fast!
Actually no, that is not the reason why he lost his job.
The company laid off my boyfriend and 5 other people altogether.
His boss had no problem with him leaving work early. His wife was also pregnant and had a high risk pregnancy at the time. He said to do what he had to do.
Assumptions, assumptions.
Trust me. That was the reason. When it came time to lay off people, his boss took missing work into consideration when he chose who to lay off.
When bosses say "do what you have to do," they don't mean there won't be consequences.
If he cared so much about your high risk pregnancy, he wouldn't have laid off your boyfriend.
I was replying to the lady's question about whether we have family members who can help.
Quote:
A support network doesn't have to be blood related. When I was a single mother, I hired my support network until I was able to establish a dependable network. Quit looking to family to be your rock. You clearly don't have that. It's time for you to find your rocks elsewhere. Surround yourself with friends. You and your boyfriend aren't enough. You'll lose your jobs if you don't have other people to help you care for your child. Reach out to friends. If you don't have friends, it's time you start making friends----fast!
He has an aunt (dad's sister) who lives by the school he goes to and she said she wants to babysit. We will let her but don't want to abuse her goodwill.
He might be getting another construction job here soon (we are both hoping it will come through)...we are just waiting to hear back which will take a couple weeks. If we have to put her on daycare, it will only be for 3 hours Monday - Friday and if she is sick maybe auntie could probably watch her or I could do the same.
My work hours are very flexible, it takes me 2 minutes to get to work and there are several daycare facilities in this area, less than 5 minutes from my work and our apartment. My boss and I have talked about what is going on, it is a family business, a very small company and she is very understanding of our situation. She said she will let me call the shots as far as my schedule goes. She just doesn't want me to quit because she values my work. I feel blessed.
Something will work out. Even if he has to work at night or overnight so he can stay home with her during the day...and we'd save on daycare.
Like everyone says, she doesn't OWE you or your child anything.
In the end, though, she will be the one missing out if she chooses not to be a big part of your child's life.
Though I wasn't hurting financially, my mother ADORED her grandchild and could't do enough for him or spend enough time with him. And he was crazy about her as well. They had a such a sweet relationship and it brought something to both of them.
Pity your MIL; doesn't sound like that's what she has in mind. Rely on yourselves and keep close to family that loves you and will love your child.
Have not read all the posts but will interject an opinion. OP's boyfriend was in the military for 10 yrs. He must have been an NCO or higher during that time period. He would be best to re enlist and quickly retain his old rank and the pay scale with longevity of time served. All the medical needs would be taken care of to some extent along with a guaranteed income.
While I was in the Army had a chance for OCS and would have been retired at 49 after putting in my 30 yrs. I later on had a BIL with 20 in the Airforce and my wifes stepfather had 26 yrs in the Airforce. It can be done. Todays job situation is hard for a person who spent the last 10 yrs in the Military competing against someone who has been around and available whenever a need were to arise. Work experience being the asset.
Just a thought. Had my 2nd GREAT GRANDCHILD on May 11th...a girl named Paige and with the OP due in three weeks just had to post a reply.
Wish both parents to be my best for their future.
Steve
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