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Old 05-17-2011, 04:52 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,685,465 times
Reputation: 19539

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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
And while we're wondering.... how did he put a "huge dent and scratch" in the car? Did he damage somebody else's property while he was at it?
Yeah, no kidding! Is the law going to show up at OPs door asking, "Who does this car belong to?" One of my brothers got it for a "hit and run" when he was 17 years old. He was mad and speeding and took a corner too fast....went out of control and scraped the crap out of a car. He though no one had seen him....but he was WRONG! They got his license and the sherrif showed up at our door. Surprise, surprise, mom & dad! LOL
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Old 05-17-2011, 04:59 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,343,998 times
Reputation: 41121
NJ - I'd agree with you on the "good kid" thing except - as Dew pointed out - all of those things combined? In one night? And then following it up with belligerence? One or two of those things followed by total embarrassment when caught and being horrified at having damaged the car - OK - but it really doesn't sound like that was the scenario.

The reason it concerns me is that we seem to be, as a culture, mixing up accomplishment with good character. People who are seen as "achievers" (academically, socially, athletically) are given a pass for poor behavior/character. I think this is a disturbing trend and as parents it is our responsibility to let our children know that all of those achievements, while wonderful, are not a substitute for good character.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:02 PM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,213,800 times
Reputation: 26458
I would say over reaction big time. First of all, when you said NO WAY on him going to this party, that could have been something important to him...you could have met him halfway on that, after all, this time of year, the school year is winding down, kids want to see people that they might not see over the summer. But, YOU choose to COMPLETELY disregard your son's feelings on going to this party, with a unilateral NO WAY. That is not how I ever raised my kids.

Then, he does go to the party...yes, he disobeyed you...totally...and he drove a car drunk...big time bad news.

One, it is never a good thing to yell in the moment of the situation...let them chill, and you decide how to react. That actually works in your favor, because then they worry about what you are going to do. My son did many things, and I choose to tell him I was unhappy with his behavior, and we would discuss the consequences in the morning, when he was sober, and I was not so angry...talking to kids when you are angry is never a good plan.

But, you messed up on that...

Taking away computer for a month? Get real...how will he do his homework? No cell phone? How can he call you? No friends this time of year? That is draconian. You have set this up to fail, for him to lie to you...That is what I think.

A better plan? Talk to him now, rationally, discuss what happened, and why...why you felt he should not have gone to the party, explain your point of view, and then, listen to his point of view. Discuss what happened...it could have been that he did drink too much, and wanted to call you, but knew you would have been mad...so he drove home anyway...at his age, you need to tell him that he can call you any time, any place, and you will pick him up...no problems, no big deal. I had this deal with my teens...but I had four kids, and only two called me, both times, drunk...I went and got them, no problems...no yelling...let your son know that in the future, you guys have a deal, if he needs a ride home, you are there for him. That is better than him lying to you. ( now, I did have one child who was over the top on getting into trouble..but he was not a normal teen).

As for the car...I would take him around to get the estimates on the cost of repair, and discuss what types of work around the home needs to be done to equal that amount...and also work with him on the beginning of the chores, let him do the work though...

So, you can do some repair on this if you want...this is not about face, or power, or control...it is about building an ongoing relationship with your child, that means that you understand what happened, and that you don't want it to happen again.

In my home, the biggest "NO-NO" is the lying...discuss why that happened, and how you feel about that issue...it is bigger than the car, bigger than the drinking...

I would relent on some of the punishment...and make it more of a compromise. Tell him how dissappointed you are in his behavior...but work on team building, and trust building, not power issues. Making him OBEY your punishment is just going to be a lot of drama and work for you...is that what you really want out of this whole issue?

Last edited by jasper12; 05-17-2011 at 05:04 PM.. Reason: edt
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:06 PM
 
Location: Eastwood, Orlando FL
1,260 posts, read 1,680,823 times
Reputation: 1421
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
. Making him OBEY your punishment is just going to be a lot of drama and work for you...is that what you really want out of this whole issue?
Raising a child is about drama and work. It's in the job description. She can't just let it go because following through is going to be hard
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:14 PM
 
32,516 posts, read 37,004,352 times
Reputation: 32571
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyMominRI View Post
Raising a child is about drama and work. It's in the job description. She can't just let it go because following through is going to be hard
Can't rep you in private so I'll rep you here.

You got that right. She gives in on this and it's going to get worse.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:30 PM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,163,891 times
Reputation: 16664
Quote:
Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick View Post
I don't have children...for another 3 weeks, that is. But I was a teenager less than a decade ago and here's my take on this:

I think you did the right thing. Do not second guess yourself. You need to stand your ground because if you don't, he will think he can get away with doing similar things again. Your son needs to know you mean business especially since you mentioned this is the worst kind of trouble he's gotten into.

Good luck!
^^^This. I'd also revoke his driving privileges until he was 18, had his own car and his own insurance.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:35 PM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,163,891 times
Reputation: 16664
Quote:
Originally Posted by ck96 View Post
I agree with what you said about the punishment fitting the crime, but what do you think I should do? I need him to have his car to drive him and his siblings to school and do errands for me. He is very helpful in that way. He knows that he can call me at any time and he told me that before the fight got big.

About parties on school nights, I allow him to go sometimes but he had already gone to one on saturday night and really needed to study for a history test. Also, I know this kid who was hosting the party and they last party he threw the cops showed up (luckily my son was no at that one). Do you still think I was too harsh? It's hard raising a teenager!!!!
You need to drive your children to school or let them take the bus and do your own errands. What he did was a huge no-no. He could have killed himself or others. He could have been arrested and completely altered his future chances at jobs and college.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,209,612 times
Reputation: 35920
I'll go along with Mitchell being a good kid. After all, my kids made some bad decisions in their teen years, too.

However, he still should be punished for what he did, especially the actions that are against the law, had he been caught, e.g. stealing a car, underage drinking, driving after drinking.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:39 PM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,163,891 times
Reputation: 16664
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
NJ - I'd agree with you on the "good kid" thing except - as Dew pointed out - all of those things combined? In one night? And then following it up with belligerence? One or two of those things followed by total embarrassment when caught and being horrified at having damaged the car - OK - but it really doesn't sound like that was the scenario.

The reason it concerns me is that we seem to be, as a culture, mixing up accomplishment with good character. People who are seen as "achievers" (academically, socially, athletically) are given a pass for poor behavior/character. I think this is a disturbing trend and as parents it is our responsibility to let our children know that all of those achievements, while wonderful, are not a substitute for good character.

Very good point. Completely agree.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:40 PM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,163,891 times
Reputation: 16664
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I would say over reaction big time. First of all, when you said NO WAY on him going to this party, that could have been something important to him...you could have met him halfway on that, after all, this time of year, the school year is winding down, kids want to see people that they might not see over the summer. But, YOU choose to COMPLETELY disregard your son's feelings on going to this party, with a unilateral NO WAY. That is not how I ever raised my kids.

Then, he does go to the party...yes, he disobeyed you...totally...and he drove a car drunk...big time bad news.

One, it is never a good thing to yell in the moment of the situation...let them chill, and you decide how to react. That actually works in your favor, because then they worry about what you are going to do. My son did many things, and I choose to tell him I was unhappy with his behavior, and we would discuss the consequences in the morning, when he was sober, and I was not so angry...talking to kids when you are angry is never a good plan.

But, you messed up on that...

Taking away computer for a month? Get real...how will he do his homework? No cell phone? How can he call you? No friends this time of year? That is draconian. You have set this up to fail, for him to lie to you...That is what I think.

A better plan? Talk to him now, rationally, discuss what happened, and why...why you felt he should not have gone to the party, explain your point of view, and then, listen to his point of view. Discuss what happened...it could have been that he did drink too much, and wanted to call you, but knew you would have been mad...so he drove home anyway...at his age, you need to tell him that he can call you any time, any place, and you will pick him up...no problems, no big deal. I had this deal with my teens...but I had four kids, and only two called me, both times, drunk...I went and got them, no problems...no yelling...let your son know that in the future, you guys have a deal, if he needs a ride home, you are there for him. That is better than him lying to you. ( now, I did have one child who was over the top on getting into trouble..but he was not a normal teen).

As for the car...I would take him around to get the estimates on the cost of repair, and discuss what types of work around the home needs to be done to equal that amount...and also work with him on the beginning of the chores, let him do the work though...

So, you can do some repair on this if you want...this is not about face, or power, or control...it is about building an ongoing relationship with your child, that means that you understand what happened, and that you don't want it to happen again.

In my home, the biggest "NO-NO" is the lying...discuss why that happened, and how you feel about that issue...it is bigger than the car, bigger than the drinking...

I would relent on some of the punishment...and make it more of a compromise. Tell him how dissappointed you are in his behavior...but work on team building, and trust building, not power issues. Making him OBEY your punishment is just going to be a lot of drama and work for you...is that what you really want out of this whole issue?

He certainly would have been a lot worse off had he been arrested for DUI or wrapped the car around a pole.
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