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Old 06-07-2011, 10:49 AM
 
Location: colorado
2,788 posts, read 5,076,222 times
Reputation: 3345

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
Here is a recent example - they served my son some fresh strawberries, and he ate them. They did not stem the strawberries before serving them, so he ate them down to the base, leaving a little rim of fruit attached to the green stems. When she discovered this 'egregious' behavior, she scolded him for being wasteful, didn't he ever learn how to eat a strawberry without leaving some of the fruit behind? Seriously, she is that petty. My son is a guest in her house, he is only there for a day or two. I cannot imagine myself chewing out a house guest over something like this, let alone the son of someone I am having a relationship with.

Additionally, she has told my son that he is "making up" his learning disability, because she personally doesn't believe in such things. The fact that the school as well as a psychologist and psychiatrist have each independently arrived at the same specific LD, she knows better. As I stated in the OP, she is a know-it-all extraordinaire.

I've tried to encourage my son to determine if it is worth it to him to keep subjecting himself to this, he and I have had many hours of conversations on this subject. He'll come home, and want to vent/decompress almost immediately. I listen patiently, and offer some ideas on how to handle/what to say if similar situations arise in the future. I don't denigrate the ex or even the gf, my son does enough for the both of us. He knows his dad isn't cutting the mustard - but, he feels that his dad "deserves" to have a relationship with him, so he continues the visits. I've suggested that he only get together with him for actual one-on-one "dates" where he can spend a little time with his dad's undivided attention, instead of a weekend full of the gf browbeating him. My son feels that he is on shaky legs since he sees his father so little, he doesn't want him to feel upset. What can I say, my son is very compassionate despite the lacklustre job his dad is doing. Spending time at his dad's is most definitely my son's choice and he knows he can "cancel at any time".

I do like a lot of the ideas voiced in the thread so far - maybe these further details have provided some more insight for further suggestions. Thanks to everyone and reps going for everyone who posted!

Are you serious a strawberry? A guest in her house? So what Im getting is the dad lives with her? She don't have kids? Shouldn't that be his house too when he is with his dad? Does she make comments like this to him in front of his dad? I could understand if it was something like dont track mud in the house. But not how he eats the strawberries.
My kids dad has been with his gf for over 13 years and they know nothing about her. She will hide food from them..or if they make a pitcher of kool-aid she will dump it out.She even threw out chicken she was baking for dinner? So I will buy them groceries and I told them I dont care what she throws out whatever your dad buys, but if she ever throws out anything I bought hell is going to break loose.
My son said she will get mad when their dad don't yell at them.
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:07 AM
 
Location: South Bay Native
16,233 posts, read 27,278,222 times
Reputation: 31477
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeepgirl27 View Post
Are you serious a strawberry? A guest in her house? So what Im getting is the dad lives with her? She don't have kids? Shouldn't that be his house too when he is with his dad? Does she make comments like this to him in front of his dad? I could understand if it was something like dont track mud in the house. But not how he eats the strawberries.
My kids dad has been with his gf for over 13 years and they know nothing about her. She will hide food from them..or if they make a pitcher of kool-aid she will dump it out.She even threw out chicken she was baking for dinner? So I will buy them groceries and I told them I dont care what she throws out whatever your dad buys, but if she ever throws out anything I bought hell is going to break loose.
My son said she will get mad when their dad don't yell at them.
Actually, she moved into my ex's place about two years ago. They now have a toddler daughter, and she doesn't contribute to the household financially. She is a "jewelry maker" and shoos the ex out along with both kids so she can "create" without interference - but no one buys her wares. She has taken over some of the furniture in my son's room at the apartment to store all the trinkets she is obsessed with making. She also fancies herself an expert in psychology because she took one semester of Psych at the local community college. That's kind of why I was trying to find something online outlining the psychological impact of her behavior by using her "own" tools against her errant behavior. And yes, she makes comments like that in front of dad - dad even leaves son alone occasionally with ex for an entire afternoon, and then she can really unfurl her forked tongue.

It's a funny thing about the food - I have tried in the past to send meals with son so at least the food won't be an issue (everything turns into an "issue" with ex and gf) and son has asked that I not send food because then they argue all weekend about that. I can't even call my son on his cell phone during his visits, because then dad and gf spend the next hour interrogating him about what did I want, what did I say, why did I call, blah blah blah. They don't realize that all this nasty talk about me to our son is just turning him off towards them. I have made it a habit to take the high road in these situations, and I have NEVER pumped our son for info or endeavored to badmouth his dad to him.
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:08 AM
 
18,325 posts, read 18,903,953 times
Reputation: 15627
tell your son to stop going over there. if dad wants to see them they can go to a movie, meet somewhere, go away together for the week end. hold your ground and tell your ex he seems to be a weak weasel and can't get his girl friend to treat his son right so he won't be going there anymore.
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:16 AM
 
14,780 posts, read 43,477,989 times
Reputation: 14621
Your son is 17, you're there for him and you seem to be doing all you can to provide him with advice, support and counseling. There isn't much more you can do. He obviously understands that she is toxic and he doesn't like her. However, he feels a loyalty to his father. At this point it is pretty much up to him to continue or end the relationship.

What I would help him understand is that dad and his girlfriend are essentially a package deal and this is dad's choice. Chances are no one is ever going to "solve" the problem for him as despite all efforts and intentions, people tend not to change unless compelled to do so and even then, it tends to only be on the surface.

The way I see it he has two choices:

1. Accept the girlfriend for who she is and what she does in order to have a relationship with dad.

2. Call dad out on it. Write him a letter explaining that he cannot continue to subject himself to her treatment. Explain that he really loves dad and wants a relationship with him, but cannot stand the way she treats him. Say that if her behavior is not controlled than either dad and son will have their own separate visits together, even if it just means an afternoon out or your son will have no choice but to end the relationship.

The key here is that until your son is ready to end his relationship with his father nothing will change. He also needs to be prepared for the rejection of his father choosing the girlfriend over him. Neither is ideal, but it may be reality. If he values his father over his own self respect, than there isn't anything you can do.
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:18 AM
 
Location: colorado
2,788 posts, read 5,076,222 times
Reputation: 3345
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
Actually, she moved into my ex's place about two years ago. They now have a toddler daughter, and she doesn't contribute to the household financially. She is a "jewelry maker" and shoos the ex out along with both kids so she can "create" without interference - but no one buys her wares. She has taken over some of the furniture in my son's room at the apartment to store all the trinkets she is obsessed with making. She also fancies herself an expert in psychology because she took one semester of Psych at the local community college. That's kind of why I was trying to find something online outlining the psychological impact of her behavior by using her "own" tools against her errant behavior. And yes, she makes comments like that in front of dad - dad even leaves son alone occasionally with ex for an entire afternoon, and then she can really unfurl her forked tongue.

It's a funny thing about the food - I have tried in the past to send meals with son so at least the food won't be an issue (everything turns into an "issue" with ex and gf) and son has asked that I not send food because then they argue all weekend about that. I can't even call my son on his cell phone during his visits, because then dad and gf spend the next hour interrogating him about what did I want, what did I say, why did I call, blah blah blah. They don't realize that all this nasty talk about me to our son is just turning him off towards them. I have made it a habit to take the high road in these situations, and I have NEVER pumped our son for info or endeavored to badmouth his dad to him.

Not all so step moms or dads gf are bad..I love my boyfriends kids.
But she is really bad..she makes a bad name for stepmoms.
I dont like her..and I've never met her...
I think when your son comes to age when he has kids of his own..He will be a good dad..his dad is only showing him what kind of father not to be.
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:21 AM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,259 posts, read 14,620,828 times
Reputation: 3459
Quote:
Originally Posted by hothulamaui View Post
tell your son to stop going over there. if dad wants to see them they can go to a movie, meet somewhere, go away together for the week end. hold your ground and tell your ex he seems to be a weak weasel and can't get his girl friend to treat his son right so he won't be going there anymore.
Best advice here!!
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Old 06-07-2011, 12:02 PM
 
1,429 posts, read 4,264,868 times
Reputation: 2049
Your son feels that the responsibility of the relationship is his. What your son needs to understand is that he is not completely responsible.... since this relationship has two parts, he is only responsible for 50% of it. He cannot compensate for his father's deficits. If his father cannot step up no amount of 'proving' his love by exposing himself to this woman will change his father's ability to contribute.

To admit that his father cannot 'be' the father he wants is quite liberating. Once your son recognizes this, he can give himself permission to love his father, even if he doesn't like some of his actions.

No child deserves this venom, unfortunately, too many children feel (subconsciously) that this is the penance they need to pay to prove to their parent they are worthy of love.
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Old 06-07-2011, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Knoxville, TN
346 posts, read 506,062 times
Reputation: 507
Default Been a stepmom for 15 years....my 2cents

Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
I am looking for any information on how to deal with my son's situation with his dad's girlfriend. She has a never-fail habit of verbally belittling and attacking him for every little perceived slight. He has been grappling with depression over this situation, and we (my ex, my son, and I) have had months of family counseling (which I paid for) to help my son deal with his unresolved issues with his dad (and the gf).

Long story short - the psychologist advised my ex that he has to be the one to stop her before she starts when she begins ragging on our son. He is supposed to stop her and ask her not to interfere with parenting. He is supposed to be the parent. He nods in agreement, and in more than one session. When my son again complained about the gf constantly critiquing him, I called my ex to ask what is going on. He proceeds to defend the gf and claims that "she really loves our son and means well". Gah!

I have barely been able to communicate with this woman, my ex has made a point of keeping me from ever really chatting with her. I have been looking for some resources online about this situation, and why her interfering with parenting our son is damaging, but I haven't had much success. She's not really a "step-parent" since they are not married, and I have full custody of our son. Since my son is almost an adult, I am trying to just ride this out but he is getting so fed up with her snippy comments that this last weekend he "blew up" verbally all over the two of them. He rarely acts out like that and I am really concerned about where this may lead if it isn't dealt with.

Talking to my ex is like trying to herd cats - you can't rationalize with an irrational person. He seems to be content with just conceding to her about the whole "parenting" stuff so I am wondering if I should have a talk with her? From what I have heard, she's quite the self-righteous know-it-all narcissist, so I'm not sure if that is even worth the effort.

I hope someone has some good advice or can point me to some resources online about this sort of relationship. I can't imagine that we are somehow unique in the type of dysfunction I've outlined.
You can't really change the dynamics of a relationship by asking someone to read an article. The people involved don't care enough to make the necessary changes. You care, but you have no power.

Since your son is 17 I think it's time he learns that in life you teach people how to treat you, and to top it all off, legally, the girl friend HAS NO RIGHTS to parent him. So when she starts in on him, tell him he has your permission to leave the room. He can tell the girl friend politely and in a civil matter, "if you would like me to do something differently, please ask me in a civil matter, if you insist on nagging and criticizing me, I'm not going to sit here and listen." Then he simply has to follow through.

She will be outraged and follow him to the next room, and he needs to STAY CALM and just continue to repeat himself. He has to stand his ground and remain calm to get his point across, and she will continue to test it...but that's the only way to break the cycle. He has to learn to be a man and do a man's job, since his father is not.

If this doesn't work, then he needs to take his Dad aside and tell his Dad that until he gets control of his girlfriend's nagging and criticizing, he is not planning on spending any time with him. Don't let the Dad lay that on the son, the son needs to explain it to his father that it was his responsibility to be the parent and to protect his son, that he does not do this, he allows the girlfriend to continue to "parent" and "nag" and he no longer has to put up with this ridiculous situation.

In reality, a step-mother would still be in the same situation, legally a step parent has no rights either.

Good Luck to your son!
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Old 06-07-2011, 03:46 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,785 posts, read 23,953,955 times
Reputation: 27090
Im sorry but it sounds like dad needs to grow a set and tell the gf to get the hockey sticks out of his house until she can learn how to treat his son . I have a feeling once the little girl gets past the cute stage she will be treating her like this as well . Just wait it will come down to it and it sounds as though she is asking for your ex to choose btwn her and the son .
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:45 PM
 
1,677 posts, read 2,477,506 times
Reputation: 5511
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnduringWon View Post
Wow not family and not relevant? Such hatred. No wonder stepfamilies have so many issues when strangers dare to denigrate another human being in such a fashion. Many step moms are wonderful loving people and so are many step dads. They ARE part of the family, hence the word MOTHER and FATHER in their titles.

That's right, I said it. NOT family, NOT relevant. They aren't married, therefore she's NOT his stepmother. She's his father's girlfriend, meaning she could be gone by tomorrow. There's no MOTHER or FATHER in the title of GIRLFRIEND unless I'm missing something. And yes, many stepmothers ARE wonderful, loving people, but we're not talking about any and all stepmothers, are we? The OP posted HER particular situation and that is what I was commenting on.

Even a girlfriend could be a wonderful, loving influence on this young man's life, but THIS girlfriend is not. She nitpicks and verbally harasses him to the point of depression. So since she is NOT married to his father, i.e NOT family, there's no need for him to have to put up with her behavior.
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