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Old 06-23-2011, 07:59 AM
 
Location: here
24,290 posts, read 28,244,986 times
Reputation: 30389

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValueAddedWorker View Post
At first I considered your advice about saying I didn't need appliances, but the more I thought about it, the more I regretted the 2nd hand fridge and stove I bought last year. When the mover said it would cost an extra $50 to move them and I knew both appliances were shoddy, especially the fridge, I figured hey, maybe Mom is right - with new ones you don't have a bad smell, you have something that's built to last, you have a new product warranty, etc. So peace of mind.

She called me today and suggested I come pick her up in a certain time range, so I did. But she wasn't really respecting my wishes when it came to the budget - she was willing to spend big, while I wasn't. Then she was acting all rude about my driving and pushy in the store- I could have walked out but ultimately caved. I'm happy that I just scored some new good quality appliances to replace the crappy ones I have now, but I would have rather have made the decision and paid for them outright myself. I suppose the guilt and the tension between Mom and I are the price to pay for accepting them.

By the way did I tell you that Mom also transfers a certain amount of $$ into my online bank account every month? It's to subsidize part of my rent while my job earnings take care of the rest of my living expenses. Yeah I know how that sounds. I asked her to stop in the past and she declined to do so. I mentioned that I planned to close the account (according to the bank that's the only effective way to stop incoming deposits) and she had a fit, saying there's no way. She wants to help me but I think the more she bails me out financially, as good as it is for short term needs, it keeps me dependent on her in the long term, which is not how it's supposed to be as an adult.
Frankly I don't know how to create distance with my mom, both emotionally and financially. Perhaps more coaching from those who've been there done that in a "baby steps" sort of way would help.
so buy them yourself! you've already been advised to stop accepting money from her. Are you in school? If you aren't in school then she shouldn't be giving you money IMO. You could start by opening an account that she doesn't have access to.
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Old 06-23-2011, 11:07 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 28,847,236 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValueAddedWorker View Post
The appliances are older almond color and while the stove works fine, the fridge has some trouble maintaining temperature in the summer heat even on max. Plus some passages were blocked last year so it leaked water (the technicians from where I bought it from came to fix it), it uses freon and the fan still squeaks now and then. The squeaking and the fact it doesn't really get cold enough are annoying. So the fridge is on its way out. If I replace the fridge and get a more modern white one it would look out of place with the almond colored stove.

So mom thinks that it's best to leave current appliances behind/sell them.
Sorry, but this is the attitude that makes me absolutely NUTS!! "The more modern white one would look out of place with the almond colored stove".

Who cares? You can't support yourself!! The Kitchen Police are not going to be coming and checking to see if they match.

I can absolutely see replacing appliances because they don't work. Yes. But to replace them because they don't match? Which, in your situation, puts you deeper in debt to Mom?

The sound you hear is me banging my head against my perfectly good stove that does NOT match the rest of my appliances. But until it's cooked it's last pot roast and has died from over-use it will be in my kitchen waving at me saying, "I don't match!" and I'll be waving back at it saying, "I don't care!"
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Old 06-23-2011, 11:20 AM
 
Location: You know... That place
1,899 posts, read 2,321,063 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
Sorry, but this is the attitude that makes me absolutely NUTS!! "The more modern white one would look out of place with the almond colored stove".

Who cares? You can't support yourself!! The Kitchen Police are not going to be coming and checking to see if they match.

I can absolutely see replacing appliances because they don't work. Yes. But to replace them because they don't match? Which, in your situation, puts you deeper in debt to Mom?

The sound you hear is me banging my head against my perfectly good stove that does NOT match the rest of my appliances. But until it's cooked it's last pot roast and has died from over-use it will be in my kitchen waving at me saying, "I don't match!" and I'll be waving back at it saying, "I don't care!"
Did you forget that we live in America. If something doesn't look pretty any more, we get rid of it and get a new one. Who cares if it works? We always have to have the best and newest. If it puts us into debt, that is ok as long as it looks good.

When my used washing machine broke (which doesn't match my dryer), I downloaded the instruction manual and figured out what part needed to be replaced. I fixed it. Then when it broke a couple of years later, I fixed it again. I finally replaced it a couple of months ago when it became cheaper to replace than to fix. I bought a refurbished machine. It has a few dents and scratches, but it works. I don't understand why so many people have to have brand new all of the time. Especially if it will put me into debt to either the bank or to my parents.
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Old 06-23-2011, 11:28 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 28,847,236 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by num1baby View Post
Especially if it will put me into debt to either the bank or to my parents.
THAT is the part that sends me into apoplexy. If someone is working and putting a little something in the bank and supporting themselves and they want everything to match and they can AFFORD IT, fine. I've got NO problems with someone who is doing well and wants to have matching appliances.

But when you don't have the money and you have to go to a parent? Especially one who is making you nuts?

(I know where you're coming from Nummy! I've down-loaded a few repair manuals myself. Don't you love the feeling of total satisfaction you get when you can fix something? )

Last edited by DewDropInn; 06-23-2011 at 11:46 AM..
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Old 06-23-2011, 11:54 AM
 
Location: You know... That place
1,899 posts, read 2,321,063 times
Reputation: 2048
Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
THAT is the part that sends me into apoplexy. If someone is working and putting a little something in the bank and supporting themselves and they want everything to match and they can AFFORD IT, fine. I've got NO problems with someone who is doing well and wants to have matching appliances.

But when you don't have the money and you have to go to a parent? Especially one who is making you nuts?

(I know where you're coming from Nummy! I've down-loaded a few repair manuals myself. Don't you love the feeling of total satisfaction you get when you can fix something? )
Btw... once I started fixing my own problems, my parents started to treat me more like an adult. hmm. Maybe that would work for the OP too.
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Old 06-23-2011, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 6,905,545 times
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ValueAddedWorker, I've read a lot of your posts over the last year, and I think in your situation, accepting a little help from Mom isn't such a bad thing.

We all want to be independent, and take care of ourselves - but if we need help, it's a really wonderful thing to have a loving family who is willing to step in, and provide that help. Doesn't mean you have to drop everything, and go to every family event, or be at their beck and call. You can still live your own life, and make your own decisions.

I also think that if you are accepting help, then you do need to let the person helping, do it in their own way - and your Mom made a good point, about not paying to move an appliance that is dying. So you listened to her on that, but you didn't let her buy the more expensive model she wanted - which sounds like a fine compromise to me.

And don't worry, as your parent age you'll have plenty of opportunities to help them back! You may not have a conventional relationship with your parents right now - but that's not necessarily a bad thing!
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Old 06-24-2011, 03:43 PM
 
926 posts, read 1,842,360 times
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bouncethelight I think you bring up some valid points. Mom feels I still need help and thinks she knows best (typical of moms isn't it?) It's never a negotiation with her - either her way or the highway.

Well to update the situation, Mom came over today to help pack. It was one big nag fest - no surprise there. Nothing was good enough for her - from unused juice, to stale cereal, to a somewhat messy kitchen and bathroom. She took the opportunity to berate me for not measuring up to her standards..."VAW, I didn't teach you to be like this...." or, "haven't we discussed this before?" ...how I should keep my bathroom tidier. "VAW, did anyone come visit you besides me?" My reply, "yes, my neighbors did (true)... but no one else" I know that living in an apartment that's not spick and span won't please Mom, but since when do I have to measure up to her standards?
Needles to say while stuff got cleaned up (I did the dishes and tidied up), she did pack and organize some kitchen items helping me get ready for an upcoming move, but it was so tiring to hear her nag nag nag! Tomorrow she wants to come again. When I told her no thanks, I might be away, she demanded entry (a key) because according to her, I can't wait until the last minute. She's right but why does she have to be so pushy about it?
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:07 PM
 
Location: here
24,290 posts, read 28,244,986 times
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as long as she gives you money for rent, she has the right to nag you about how you keep the apartment she is helping pay for.

How old are you and are you in school?
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:24 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 28,847,236 times
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If I had a mother nagging me like that I'd stay up all night packing it up myself.

Problem solved.
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:29 PM
 
926 posts, read 1,842,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
as long as she gives you money for rent, she has the right to nag you about how you keep the apartment she is helping pay for.
How old are you and are you in school?
Helping someone with their rent does not give anyone the right to nag. She could really work on her people skills and talk to me in a more constructive encouraging way. Negative reinforcement isn't going to convince me to suddenly because a neat freak. I'm not in school - I work part time and my income insufficient to get by without assistance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DewDropInn View Post
If I had a mother nagging me like that I'd stay up all night packing it up myself.
Problem solved.
I still have lots to do including sorting my bedroom, dining room, living room, etc. It can't be done in one night and anyway what's the point of wiping yourself out messing up the day after packing all night? I'd like to sleep at night thank you very much. Ideally Mom could help without all the complaints. But you know some women-being moody is a way of life.
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