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Old 06-19-2011, 10:18 PM
 
926 posts, read 1,870,707 times
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Well I caved and went to see Mom today but browsed for appliances myself. I conceded that replacing the fridge would be a good idea. The stove is up in the air. A sibling and his wife actually stopped by and I had dinner with them and Mom...it was nice....of course Mom had to ask about the graduation ceremony/lunch and I simply told her no, I couldn't go due to work.
As it turns out, sis called Mom's house too and since I didn't email sis saying I wasn't coming (I assumed she figured I would be a no show), she actually asked Mom if I was attending. Mom told me that she told sis that I couldn't find anyone to fill in for me. That was actually a white lie on her part - I didn't ask her to say that, but it seems reasonable. The truth is something else.

Needless to say, I did begin feeling a bit angry at myself for not being able to secure a day off for tomorrow, but it's Monday and I do expect it to be busy. Working in CS you can't just leave the office all of a sudden, an absence has to be planned and approved in advance.

In other news, Mom of course asked me whether I had started packing - my sibling asked the same...asked when I was moving, etc. Long story short, Mom wants to come over and pack on my next day off. But she did tell me that if I prefer doing it alone, so be it. I don't think she means it though as I'm sure she'll continue to hassle me until I declare/show the packing is done.
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Old 06-20-2011, 01:48 AM
 
5,368 posts, read 4,880,317 times
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Why do you care what your mom thinks? Just tell her you can't make it. However she takes it is her problem. She may be pouty. Women tend to be like that, but they get over it.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:55 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,404 posts, read 15,095,943 times
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[quote=ValueAddedWorker;19663609]Well I caved and went to see Mom today but browsed for appliances myself. I conceded that replacing the fridge would be a good idea. The stove is up in the air. A sibling and his wife actually stopped by and I had dinner with them and Mom...it was nice....of course Mom had to ask about the graduation ceremony/lunch and I simply told her no, I couldn't go due to work.
As it turns out, sis called Mom's house too and since I didn't email sis saying I wasn't coming (I assumed she figured I would be a no show), she actually asked Mom if I was attending. Mom told me that she told sis that I couldn't find anyone to fill in for me. That was actually a white lie on her part - I didn't ask her to say that, but it seems reasonable. The truth is something else.

Needless to say, I did begin feeling a bit angry at myself for not being able to secure a day off for tomorrow, but it's Monday and I do expect it to be busy. Working in CS you can't just leave the office all of a sudden, an absence has to be planned and approved in advance.

In other news, Mom of course asked me whether I had started packing - my sibling asked the same...asked when I was moving, etc. Long story short, Mom wants to come over and pack on my next day off. But she did tell me that if I prefer doing it alone, so be it. I don't think she means it though as I'm sure she'll continue to hassle me until I declare/show the packing is done.[/quote]

Do you prefer doing the packing alone? Because something tells me that you like that Mom help from time to time! Nothing wrong with that but it will be harder to set those boundaries that you seem to be working toward.
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Old 06-22-2011, 06:19 PM
 
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I ended up caving and agreeing to go shopping with mom for appliances. The first store she chose (Home Depot) was closer to her place and she said money is no object...of course I objected because I knew that meant she and Dad probably would pay for appliances that were way too expensive just to get it over with. They only had a few selections in the measurements that would fit in the new apartment in terms of height/width of the fridge (+the stove)...I wrote down some prices and convinced her that it was all too expensive except for one stove that was a "maybe". They were offering 15% off appliances over $299 and the sale was ending today. Well we ended up walking out of there.

Next I went to a clearance warehouse that had discontinued and refurbished ones. Problem with some of them is that they smelled of smoke/were damaged, etc. and while the prices were less than new appliances, you never know with 2nd hand appliances how long they'll last, the hidden problems,etc. Then we went to a chain furniture outlet store and finally saw some nice items for IMO reasonable prices. While I was willing to shop around more, Mom was tired of it and pretty much convinced me to make a decision today since time is running out.

A few things annoyed me about the excursion though.
1. She kept complaining how I was shifting the gearshift on my Dad's car (it's a manual). Complaining how I was shifting too abruptly and that I should slowly change gears. So I asked her if she expected me to drive like an old man and she replied...no...but take it easy! I was already doing just the speed limit...if I was on my own, trust me I'd drive much faster and shift more quickly too. Well I was fed up of the commentary on my driving (I'm had my license for many years), so finally asked Mom to quit being a back seat driver. She was annoying the heck out of me with the comments. It was hard enough shifting with a heavy clutch wearing sandals in a car I'm not familiar with...ugh.. I hate when passengers feel the need to criticize.
Must be another aspect of her controlling personality.

2. After the purchase was made, I offered to pay for half. She said wait until Dad returns and "we'll discuss it". What's there to discuss? She paid for the items outright with her credit card...they'll probably try to pay more than half...well I guess we'll see, but I'm certainly not looking for a hand out. Mom insisted on paying because the store we shopped at offered extra rewards points on her store credit card.

3. When we got back to her place, my SIL was visiting and Mom made some wise crack about not trusting me to drive SIL's sick dog to the vet because ", VAW is a crazy driver" . What was that good for? I wasn't even offering to drive the pooch, nor was it expected. Totally uncalled for insult. Now I must emphasize that I drove within the city speed limits and except for the sometimes quick shifting, I do not feel I was a crazy/reckless driver. However Mom is known to be timid behind the wheel so it's likely she picked up on smaller details she did not "approve" of.

Needless to say, as much as I appreciate Mom wanting to help out financially and timewise with the upcoming move, after she invited me to stay for dinner with SIL + my bro, I respectfully declined so I could return home and go shopping on my own time. That's one of the reasons I prefer living alone too. I decide when and what I want to do without having to ask anyone, especially Mom for approval.

I wonder what you folks would advise in order to limit tension as I continue to prepare to move. Another thing Mom suggested was to ask the landlord if I could drop off my clothes early (with the car) so I don't have to pack them and have the movers lug boxes of clothes. So I called the landlord and asked him, so Mr. Landlord, what is the earliest date I can take occupancy and have appliances delivered? He replied the same date as we agreed... (no surprise there). Even though I told Mom this date before she still insisted I ask the landlord to let me in earlier AND if I could go over there and measure the space's height for the fridge. Apparently she didn't trust my new landlord even though he measured it twice. Ughh... Mom just doesn't give up with the demands does she?
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Old 06-22-2011, 06:42 PM
 
926 posts, read 1,870,707 times
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I guess the bottom line is that I find it really irritating for my decisions and reasons for taking certain actions are criticized by Mom. For example I mentioned how I still needed to find indoor parking for my motorcycle (which I hardly ride but that's besides the point) and Mom tells me, VAW, that's not a priority right now for you..and besides, can't you ask the landlord if you can park it on his driveway?
(No Mom, I can't...it's his private parking and he expects me to either park my bike on the street or find another solution).
About the car again...she didn't want to ride in my older car because the suspension is a bit noisy with age even though I use it as a daily driver and would therefore be used to it. It's also less fuel efficient. So when she suggested we drive Dad's car which I'm not used to, then she started griping about my shifting style and that she doesn't know why Dad got such a big powerful car when a commuter city car would work just fine. I guess she just has a habit of criticizing everyone that doesn't meet her "expectations".

Should I put some distances between my Mom and myself or just try to tune her out if I do let her come over to "help" me pack (which means complain about how I live and waited for the last minute again..)
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:43 PM
 
Location: here
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you shouldn't have accepted the appliances. Gifts come with strings attached. I learned a long time ago not to accept help from my MIL. Yes, you need some distance, and you should have started with the appliances.
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Old 06-22-2011, 11:47 PM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 7,003,067 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValueAddedWorker View Post
The problem is my landlord went on vacation and is non responsive to my email asking her to pass along my contact info to the new tenant.
A month ago you were complaining because your landlord wanted to give you the contact info for the new tenant. Remember that? You were so resistant. Bet now you wish you had been a little less resistant to that request.
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Old 06-23-2011, 12:30 AM
 
926 posts, read 1,870,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
"I just bought you appliances. Don't you think you should go to your sister's graduation?" You'd owe her one. cut the cord. Say "no, thanks. the appliances I have are fine."
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
you shouldn't have accepted the appliances. Gifts come with strings attached. I learned a long time ago not to accept help from my MIL. Yes, you need some distance, and you should have started with the appliances.
At first I considered your advice about saying I didn't need appliances, but the more I thought about it, the more I regretted the 2nd hand fridge and stove I bought last year. When the mover said it would cost an extra $50 to move them and I knew both appliances were shoddy, especially the fridge, I figured hey, maybe Mom is right - with new ones you don't have a bad smell, you have something that's built to last, you have a new product warranty, etc. So peace of mind.

She called me today and suggested I come pick her up in a certain time range, so I did. But she wasn't really respecting my wishes when it came to the budget - she was willing to spend big, while I wasn't. Then she was acting all rude about my driving and pushy in the store- I could have walked out but ultimately caved. I'm happy that I just scored some new good quality appliances to replace the crappy ones I have now, but I would have rather have made the decision and paid for them outright myself. I suppose the guilt and the tension between Mom and I are the price to pay for accepting them.

By the way did I tell you that Mom also transfers a certain amount of $$ into my online bank account every month? It's to subsidize part of my rent while my job earnings take care of the rest of my living expenses. Yeah I know how that sounds. I asked her to stop in the past and she declined to do so. I mentioned that I planned to close the account (according to the bank that's the only effective way to stop incoming deposits) and she had a fit, saying there's no way. She wants to help me but I think the more she bails me out financially, as good as it is for short term needs, it keeps me dependent on her in the long term, which is not how it's supposed to be as an adult.
Frankly I don't know how to create distance with my mom, both emotionally and financially. Perhaps more coaching from those who've been there done that in a "baby steps" sort of way would help.
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Old 06-23-2011, 06:29 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,404 posts, read 15,095,943 times
Reputation: 20927
Quote:
Originally Posted by ValueAddedWorker View Post
At first I considered your advice about saying I didn't need appliances, but the more I thought about it, the more I regretted the 2nd hand fridge and stove I bought last year. When the mover said it would cost an extra $50 to move them and I knew both appliances were shoddy, especially the fridge, I figured hey, maybe Mom is right - with new ones you don't have a bad smell, you have something that's built to last, you have a new product warranty, etc. So peace of mind.

She called me today and suggested I come pick her up in a certain time range, so I did. But she wasn't really respecting my wishes when it came to the budget - she was willing to spend big, while I wasn't. Then she was acting all rude about my driving and pushy in the store- I could have walked out but ultimately caved. I'm happy that I just scored some new good quality appliances to replace the crappy ones I have now, but I would have rather have made the decision and paid for them outright myself. I suppose the guilt and the tension between Mom and I are the price to pay for accepting them.

By the way did I tell you that Mom also transfers a certain amount of $$ into my online bank account every month? It's to subsidize part of my rent while my job earnings take care of the rest of my living expenses. Yeah I know how that sounds. I asked her to stop in the past and she declined to do so. I mentioned that I planned to close the account (according to the bank that's the only effective way to stop incoming deposits) and she had a fit, saying there's no way. She wants to help me but I think the more she bails me out financially, as good as it is for short term needs, it keeps me dependent on her in the long term, which is not how it's supposed to be as an adult.
Frankly I don't know how to create distance with my mom, both emotionally and financially. Perhaps more coaching from those who've been there done that in a "baby steps" sort of way would help.
First, you have to be financially independent and stop taking money from her. If you are not ready to cut those strings - then you are not ready.
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Old 06-23-2011, 08:51 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,358,168 times
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My parents always told me - the minute you accept money (from them, or anyone else!) it obligates you to allowing them to have at least a degree of control over your life and opens the door to criticism, as the person giving the money is "investing" in your welfare . . . so they are naturally going to feel they have the right to comment or advise.

If you truly don't want the money transferred to your account . .. just open another account that is not tied to your mom's in any way.

You can always take the money she is transferring and put it in a savings account and return it to your parents at some later date (or buy them a nice Anniversary present with it down the line).

Your mom may be controlling; but on the other hand, after reading all the posts here, maybe she is simply trying to intervene in your life at times in order to "help" you avoid pitfalls (such as with the appliances). And maybe she is just trying to be truly helpful with packing.

Who knows? I thought at first that she was probably outrageously controlling and gets very upset if her expectations are not met - and is like this with everyone. Maybe she just feels you still need a lot of guidance b/c you have not demonstrated to her that you are sure of yourself and your life decisions. I may have jumped to conclusions (earlier) as to her motivations.

Perhaps if you start showing your mom that you feel confident about your decisions and you appreciate that she is trying to "protect" you from bad decisions . . . but that you need to learn some things on your own . . . and then demonstrate to her that you are making good decisions . .. she won't feel it necessary to insert herself in your life in so many ways.

Your mom may be using the money and gifts as a way of controlling you . . . but I am thinking that perhaps she is just being a bit overprotective - and doing it out of love and concern. It is gonna be up to you to show her that you can stand on your own and that you appreciate her concern - but want to prove you are independent.
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