What do you owe to a child who has a large family? (divorce, support)
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The issue is the amount of time it takes to do this. If I take two, I owe the other two in short order. We get into a situation where I'm spending every other weekend with one or two of them and not my own kids to have visits regular enough to develop a relationship and that's only seeing each child once a month if I take them two at a time.
You have to remember that I'm not the typical grandma. I have two kids of my own and a full time job. Time is limited for me. I don't care to get into a routine I can't keep up. During the school year, I spend about every other weekend catching up on grading. If I spend the others with grandchildren, where is time for my kids? Or cleaning the house? Or just relaxing? My kids already take a back seat to my job. Must they now take a back seat to grandchildren because dss decided he wants half a dozen (well he doesn't but she does and she gets her way)?
In short, I have too much on my plate to handle five grandchildren on any regular basis. Even two at a time is problematic because of the frequency of visits in order to have time with all five. If they only had two kids, I could take them both once a month and still see having time for my family, housework and just relaxing because I need it but they have 5. I have to figure out how to alternate visits with 5 children so that each gets time and still have time for my own and other responsibilities.
Now, I can do it for just the summer but it would be just the summer. I'm not sure that's fair to the kids. It would be just enough time to get used to going places with grandma #2 (her mom is already on a rotating schedule so they see her three of four times a month (she's retired so she doesn't have my time constraints)) before I disappear into a pile of lab reports to grade in the fall.
They have 5? only 5
My brother Ben has 5, my sister mary has 4, my brother paul has 3, my sister april has 4, I have 6, my brother danny has 2, ....my mom loves all of her grandkids...my mom also worked fulltime too..and yet she still managed to be there for us..My son has one child...I do work fulltime too...but if he needs me I'm there..when we have family nites he brings his gf and the baby...I really do think your making up excuses to see your grandkids..
I'm just going to say one more thing, and then I'll be done!
I've seen in my own family, certain grandmothers expecting for their daughter-in-laws to bring the kids to them, because that's the way it was when they were raising kids. Or to plan Mother's Day around Grandma, since she's the matriarch. They expect the daughter-in-laws to do it just the way they did it, when they were young - without taking into consideration that those daughter-in-laws have their own family traditions that feel right to them. And that times have changed, and that can impact all kinds of things. And so there's all this tension over how to deal with Grandma.
Then I see other grandmas, also in my own family, who are totally open to whatever life brings. If they can fit it into their schedule, they're happy to do it however and whenever - whatever works best for everyone is fine with them.
I think it's probably easy to guess which grandmas in my family are happier! It's a beautiful thing to be able to just go with the flow, and get along with family, and do what's best for everyone. Holding onto, "well that's the way it was when I was young" doesn't really serve anyone.
I'm confused - what was the original question? Because you seem to have made up your mind and are content with your decision. What what is the issue? That you feel guilty?
If you are fine with the level of how you are grand parenting, then just go with that and it is what it is. Our advice on here can't make you feel less guilty.
Actually, no. She likes the attention she gets from having the children out in public. It would have the opposite effect. It would encourage her to have one of her own. One reason I don't want her around DDIL is that I believe DDIL has babies just to get attention. I don't need dd following in her footsteps.
And it's not no effort. I do invite them over, she just doesn't come. I'd visit but I'm not welcome to. The effort I'm willing to make isn't acceptable. The question is should I be willing to do what she wants? Hence the question what do you owe a child who has a large family? Is the fact that my door is open enough? I'm more than willing to cook dinner for them and have them over for the afternoon.
What does having a large family have anything to do with it? The tone of this thread suggests that you are seeking to express your disapproval of your stepson and DIL deciding to have a larger family than you did by washing your hands of their children.
The fact that you can teach 30 kids in a class at one time, yet would wash your hands of your own grandchildren because there are 5 of them is such a disappointment. How hurt they must be. How hurt your husband must be. I'm beginning to think the others are right, that the whole "step" factor is a big deal for you.
Yes, you should be willing to do what she wants because it's such a minor request. All she's asking is for you to drive TWO MILES and pick up 1-2 kids. You can't seem to comprehend how a woman with five children including an infant would find it overwhelming to strap all 5 of them in the car, drive them 2 miles to your house, deal with the tantrums and complaining when only 2 get dropped off after the big production of everyone getting in the car, then drive everyone back home, get everyone back in the house, etc. It's so much easier for you to simply drive over, pick up two children, and drive them home. You could even bring your daughter for that two mile drive if you don't think you can handle two kids at once.
I think you're picking at nits here. What she's asking isn't at all unreasonable.
I agree with jkcoop. You have already made up your mind on the topic. It appears you are looking for people to agree with your decision. If you and your husband are fine with your decision then that is all that matters. It appears that there are way more issues between you and your dil than you have posted here.
My step son and his wife had baby #5 back in March. Apparently, they're ticked off with us for not helping with the kids . I, seriously, have no interest in yet another baby. I feel like this is a rerun. We've done this 4 times before. (They are planning #6 BTW) So I'm not at all excited about this baby nor do I feel a need to go visit. Their 5 kids kind of overwhelm me. I feel like I can't give any of then adequate attention because there are so many of them plus I have two teenaged daugthers of my own at home to keep track of. I feel like I just don't have time for so many kids so I choose to just not be involved on a regular basis. I'm content to see them on birthdays and Christmas. Of course my step son and his wife think this makes me a lousy grandma.
I'm also a bit nervous about dd#1 being around ddil. I'm convinced my dil has babies to get attention. I have a dd who is going after boys for attention....we don't need to go there....
I'm curious as to how others would handle this? Is it ok to be a long distance grandma when you live 2 miles away? One thing to consider is that I am a teacher and I'm off for the summer. So, for now, I do have time. In September, I'd disappear though because I just don't have time with two kids of my own once school starts. I chase my tail from September until mid June.
I'm feeling kind of guilty that the baby is 3 months old and I haven't even seen him (had parent teacher conferences the week he was born and he and his mom were asleep when I came to visit after his birth).
Im so hurt and angry by you..I rarely cry..this post made me cry..not for you but those precious babies..I hope they forgive you someday..
Ivorytickler: you can define you grandparenting role the way it fits you, and it's fine. I've read an article how boomers re-define even this traditional role. A new mother in that article, herself in her late 30s, said her own mother told her outright that she wouldn't be a babysitter or helper. And off she went to have her free boomer life (she drops by to see her 2 grandkids once in a long while). There was a tinge of bitterness in the new mother's opinion, but also there was a respect for a person's right to live her life the way she chooses, - especially since the warning was given before the babies were born.
In a way, pestering a grandmother that she "ought to be thrilled" with grandbabies is similar to pestering a woman of a child-bearing age that she "ought to be a mother" - which, of course, is not PC anymore.
On the other hand, and I will try to say it in the gentlest terms, Ivorytickler is a unique individual. I've read prolonged battles she's had on C-D (e.g. on the topic of "working moms vs SAHMs"), and let me tell you, she's just different. She doesn't strike me as a soft, cuddly grandmother. Imagine such a person that you know, and maybe save yourselves a battle or 2.
Now, I can do it for just the summer but it would be just the summer. I'm not sure that's fair to the kids. It would be just enough time to get used to going places with grandma #2 (her mom is already on a rotating schedule so they see her three of four times a month (she's retired so she doesn't have my time constraints)) before I disappear into a pile of lab reports to grade in the fall.
I don't think the kids would care. They know that summer is different from the rest of the year. I also don't know why you would have to completely disappear from their lives during the school year either, surely you can manage a few hours twice a month to spend a little time with them?
I don't see how it would mean you always need to take time away from your kids either. Take a family walk through the park to admire the fall colors on the leaves, have water balloon fight in the back yard. Have a couple of the grandkids over to help make a simple dinner, or bake cookies, or have some hot chocolate after a snowball fight. It doesn't always mean having to go somewhere or doing things exclusively focused on the little ones.
Yes, you should be willing to do what she wants because it's such a minor request. All she's asking is for you to drive TWO MILES and pick up 1-2 kids. You can't seem to comprehend how a woman with five children including an infant would find it overwhelming to strap all 5 of them in the car, drive them 2 miles to your house, deal with the tantrums and complaining when only 2 get dropped off after the big production of everyone getting in the car, then drive everyone back home, get everyone back in the house, etc. It's so much easier for you to simply drive over, pick up two children, and drive them home. You could even bring your daughter for that two mile drive if you don't think you can handle two kids at once.
I think you're picking at nits here. What she's asking isn't at all unreasonable.
That's not what I'm reading, though. It seems like Ivory is saying she wouldn't mind going over to the DIL's house to visit, but the DIL doesn't want her to do that. She wants her to come over and take the kids somewhere. Like I said, that's great if she wants to do that, but I don't think it's fair for her DIL to demand that.
That's why I wanted to know the age of the kids. If we're talking about an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old, that's a whole 'nother level of care and responsibility than kids who are 8 and 10.
That's why I wanted to know the age of the kids. If we're talking about an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old, that's a whole 'nother level of care and responsibility than kids who are 8 and 10.
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. I, seriously, have no interest in yet another baby. I feel like this is a rerun. We've done this 4 times before. (They are planning #6 BTW) So I'm not at all excited about this baby nor do I feel a need to go visit. Their 5 kids kind of overwhelm me. I feel like I can't give any of then adequate attention because there are so many of them plus I have two teenaged daugthers of my own at home to keep track of. I feel like I just don't have time for so many kids so I choose to just not be involved on a regular basis. I'm content to see them on birthdays and Christmas. Of course my step son and his wife think this makes me a lousy grandma. 
