How would you respond to this? (teenagers, support, parents, appropriate)
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This is my first post on the parenting board....please be gentle.
My 17 yr old daughter is a good kid. Yes, typical grumpy short tempered teen, but no issues there....or any where else, we are truly the most boring, normal people. So, as she nears her 18th birthday, every other sentence is "When I turn 18 you can't run my life/tell me what to do!". I have no clue why it started! We have always been fine, NO issues with school (A/B student), Curfew (11:00 pm, Junior License), No social issues, the ONLY thing is a total change in attitude. She has been accepted at her 1st choice college-which didn't generate too much excitement. I just can't fathom the sudden BAD attitude. So how on earth do I respond?
You are our daughter and you will respect us individually and as your family and we will respect you. You will abide by our family and home rules when you are living with us and being supported by us and we will expect the same from you when you are a self supporting individual.
There are a lot of landmines in her comments and she may only want validation that you will continue to be there for her but she may not be able to frame it.
I believe it's more her trying to separate little by little. I don't know why they can't do it peacefully... but with mine, it seemed that when they were trying to establish their independence, it almost seemed that they had to establish some distancing between us to do so, thus the unexpected outbursts.
The battle really isn't between you and her... it seems more to be a battle within themselves where a part of them wants their independence and yet at the same time, the other part wants to stay home and be protected as a child because it scares them.
All healthy and normal... but definitely trying on the parents! Just look at it this way... this too shall pass!
I think it's normal. I remember acting like that when I neared my 18th birthday, but I don't remember being snotty about it (that wouldn't have flied in my house).
My parents response, which I believe was appropriate, was this: As long as you are living in our house, you will obey our rules. Whether you are 15, 18 or 25 years old. Also, if I wasn't going to school, I had to have a full-time job that had health insurance, pay my own car insurance, and pay rent. They explained that if I wasn't going to further my education and I wanted to be an "Adult", then I had to have the same responsibilities an adult would have.
This is my first post on the parenting board....please be gentle.
My 17 yr old daughter is a good kid. Yes, typical grumpy short tempered teen, but no issues there....or any where else, we are truly the most boring, normal people. So, as she nears her 18th birthday, every other sentence is "When I turn 18 you can't run my life/tell me what to do!". I have no clue why it started! We have always been fine, NO issues with school (A/B student), Curfew (11:00 pm, Junior License), No social issues, the ONLY thing is a total change in attitude. She has been accepted at her 1st choice college-which didn't generate too much excitement. I just can't fathom the sudden BAD attitude. So how on earth do I respond?
Simple.
You say, "Yes, you are 18 and considered an adult. That being said, if you want to live under our roof, you will follow our rules. If not, that's fine. You can live elsewhere but not here. Oh, and as a gift because we love you so, we won't charge you rent if you do decide to stay here under our rules".
This is my first post on the parenting board....please be gentle.
My 17 yr old daughter is a good kid. Yes, typical grumpy short tempered teen, but no issues there....or any where else, we are truly the most boring, normal people. So, as she nears her 18th birthday, every other sentence is "When I turn 18 you can't run my life/tell me what to do!". I have no clue why it started! We have always been fine, NO issues with school (A/B student), Curfew (11:00 pm, Junior License), No social issues, the ONLY thing is a total change in attitude. She has been accepted at her 1st choice college-which didn't generate too much excitement. I just can't fathom the sudden BAD attitude. So how on earth do I respond?
You respond by not getting upset or defensive or angry. As everyone else has said - it's normal, especially since the "big day" is looming. Maybe she's planning to tell you and daddy (mommy?) something you'll not particularly want to hear.......
Thank you all...I guess I just needed to have some responses formed in my head...I have been so surprised by this new attitude, that most times I have been less than coherent with my response to her! I have tried to explain that with age comes responsibility, when she thinks that with age comes freedom! I tell her with MATURITY comes freedom. My Husband is of the mind that if, after she is 18 she continues with this difficult attitude, that we should call her bluff, supply her with a list of expenses and responsibilities that she can expect once she leaves our house, and leave in her hands. I am trying to preempt that by speaking to her in a mature way about how the world works. The crazy thing is, she is registered for college has paid her deposit and will be in an apartment style dorm next year anyway! Why pull this now?
I think teenagers go through this at different levels. I was a really rebellious teen myself. It really had nothing to do with my parents and all to do with me and what I was going through and my feelings. I really wanted to be independent but without the responsibilities if that makes any sense. I just wanted to be with my friends and stuff.
You are our daughter and you will respect us individually and as your family and we will respect you. You will abide by our family and home rules when you are living with us and being supported by us and we will expect the same from you when you are a self supporting individual.
There are a lot of landmines in her comments and she may only want validation that you will continue to be there for her but she may not be able to frame it.
Well spoken
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