What do you owe to a child who has a large family? (punishing, teaching)

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by NJGOAT

Do it for the summer and explain to both the parents AND the kids, that you can really only do it in the summer. The kids aren't going to grow up resentful that you only spent time with them in the summer, but they may grow up resentful if you never spent anytime with them at all. Besides they will be going to school/activities during the school year as well.

I'm not sure the younger ones are old enough to understand but the older two are. Hopefully, if the younger two ask, they'll tell them I reappear next summer...

[NJGOAT]

Originally Posted by ADVentive

Your question seems to be what are you obligated to do. And I guess you are not obligated to see or have a relationship with your grandchildren. What is sad to me is that you don't even seem to want to see them. You say that the baby doesn't care if you've seen her yet or not, but why don't you care to see the baby?

PS - My mom still had two teenagers in the house when I had kids, lives 40 miles away, and still managed to see her grandkids about twice per month.

Sadly I can't escape the impression that she doesn't want to have a relationsip with her grandkids and is merely looking to determine what her societal obligations are.

Not to go there, but are these feelings because they are your "step" grandchildren?

[namomof3]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

My step son and his wife had baby #5 back in March. Apparently, they're ticked off with us for not helping with the kids . I, seriously, have no interest in yet another baby. I feel like this is a rerun. We've done this 4 times before. (They are planning #6 BTW) So I'm not at all excited about this baby nor do I feel a need to go visit. Their 5 kids kind of overwhelm me. I feel like I can't give any of then adequate attention because there are so many of them plus I have two teenaged daugthers of my own at home to keep track of. I feel like I just don't have time for so many kids so I choose to just not be involved on a regular basis. I'm content to see them on birthdays and Christmas. Of course my step son and his wife think this makes me a lousy grandma.

I'm also a bit nervous about dd#1 being around ddil. I'm convinced my dil has babies to get attention. I have a dd who is going after boys for attention....we don't need to go there....

I'm curious as to how others would handle this? Is it ok to be a long distance grandma when you live 2 miles away? One thing to consider is that I am a teacher and I'm off for the summer. So, for now, I do have time. In September, I'd disappear though because I just don't have time with two kids of my own once school starts. I chase my tail from September until mid June.

I'm feeling kind of guilty that the baby is 3 months old and I haven't even seen him (had parent teacher conferences the week he was born and he and his mom were asleep when I came to visit after his birth).

First of all I must say i admire your honesty in all of your threads/posts. you keep it real-- don't sugar coat anything! love it. Now as far as the OP-- you do not owe them a dime. You still have the "job" of raising teenage girls- not an easy feat by far! Truth is you can't "fake" a relationship. On one hand its nice to have "grandma" around to bake with and pal around with but it's not the reality in most cases. In my case- both my parents and my hubby's parents became grandparents in their early 40s. They were both still raising their own children, working 2 jobs, trying to make their own lives work. The love their grandchildren to death- however- they have their own lives. They are perfectly fine seeing them a few times a year, texting pics, email, etc... I cant be mad at them. My kids will be "grown" when i am in my 40s-- and i have plans! Plans that really don't include others children on a full-time basis. Some call it selfish- but really? I already did "my job." I mean I'll help out the way I see fit around my lifestyle (whatever that may be).

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by ADVentive

Your question seems to be what are you obligated to do. And I guess you are not obligated to see or have a relationship with your grandchildren. What is sad to me is that you don't even seem to want to see them. You say that the baby doesn't care if you've seen her yet or not, but why don't you care to see the baby?

PS - My mom still had two teenagers in the house when I had kids, lives 40 miles away, and still managed to see her grandkids about twice per month.

At this point, the baby is irrelevent because he doesn't care. It's not that I don't care to see him. It's that I won't go when dss is not there. I'd love to see him. I just won't deal with his mother without dss there. She behaves when dss is there.

I'm going to assume she was welcome in your house. It's hard to see anyone when I'm not welcome in their house unless dss is home.

[stan4]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I have good reason for not visiting without dss home to act as mediator. Trust me, ANYTHING I say without witnesses is subject to being misrepresented and plastered on facebook. Dss made her appologize to dh for what she posted about me but she has never appologized to me. I visit when dss is home to act as witness to any conversations. He took time off when the baby was born so he hasn't been home lately.

I really don't think the baby cares if I've seen him or not and I have a feeling he'd be sleeping if I did go. I'm hoping dss is home for the 4th and will bring the kids over.

You know, honestly...if I were this suspicious and not-trusting of someone, I'd record my entire interaction with them (secretly). I'm not joking. Sometimes you have to cya or get some freakin' proof before people will believe that someone else is a complete psychotic.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by stan4

You know, honestly...if I were this suspicious and not-trusting of someone, I'd record my entire interaction with them (secretly). I'm not joking. Sometimes you have to cya or get some freakin' proof before people will believe that someone else is a complete psychotic.

That is very tempting. The fact dss had her appologize to his father but not me is very telling. Dss doesn't believe me. He believes her but had her do what he thought had to be done to keep peace with his father. It's not a bad idea to recorde the event if I do go over there without dss home. I've been wanting one of those new smaller video cameras....

I think the stuff she posted about me was a real shock for dss. He's stuck trying to keep peace in his family. I don't envy him his position. I think the only thing that makes it tolerable is he's on the road 90% of the time and not home to deal with it. When he is home, he busies himself with projects.

[brokensky]

I can totally see why OP wrote this post and I don't blame her for wondering why her stepson and his wife keep pumping out kids when they obviously cannot manage with them well.

I am surprised, however, at the responses OP is getting!

First of all, it seems OP has outlined that all she is wanted for is as a babysitter. I believe her DIL has made it clear. Her DIL is the one who has set the tone here! She wants grandma to come take kids off her hands.

Yet, grandma has her own household and kids she is raising! I don't know about the rest of you, but I had my hands full trying to take care of my own children/house/husband and career. I sure as heck didn't have time to juggle that and go be used as a babysitter for ANYONE else. Now, there were times my friends and I switched off - and kids visited back and forth - so we moms could have a break (or doctor's appointment!)

And I ask again . . . where is bio-grandma??? I know of several situations where the stepdaughter or stepson's wife did not really even WANT the kids to refer to stepgrandma as grandmother - b/c the "real" grandmother was jealous of that - or had voiced anger about it. Stepgrandma was treated like a second class citizen . . .left out of photos . . . just expected to pitch in and help but no appreciation or real inclusion. So where is bio-grandmother and how does she fit in to all this?

Maybe there are quite a few reasons that OP does not feel thrilled (or even welcomed) in stepson's home and feels her efforts in the past were not really appreciated . . . and so wonders why she is continuing to put on the happy face when really - no one really cares to have her around unless she is doing freebie babysitting.

[DubbleT]

Originally Posted by anifani821

Maybe there are quite a few reasons that OP does not feel thrilled (or even welcomed) in stepson's home and feels her efforts in the past were not really appreciated . . . and so wonders why she is continuing to put on the happy face when really - no one really cares to have her around unless she is doing freebie babysitting.

Because it isn't or shouldn't be about Ivory and her DIL. It's about whether or not Ivory wants a relationship with the kids and what she's willing to do to achieve that.
She seems to think that it's unfair to the kids to have a summer only, less than perfect relationship. Most of us are of the opinion that even an imperfect relationship is better than no relationship at all.

[Ohiogirl81]

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I'd love to have a relationship with the grandkids but that's kind of hard to do with so many of them.

My grandmother had 24 grandkids; a good chunk of us lived more than two hundred miles away. She didn't have a problem nurturing a relationship with any of us. If you truly would "love" to have a relationship with your grandchildren, you'd find a way to do so.

And how would that impact my own kids?

Shouldn't your children build relationships with their nieces and nephews as well? Why can't you just be one family?

I'm revisiting whether or not I should start picking up the older kids knowing that I disappear again in September.

Don't they go to school? Why would they expect frequent visits during the school year when they, too, are busy?

I wouldn't mind taking the two older ones (10 and 7) to the beach with us when we go but I don't know what I'll do with the next two youngest (5 and 4).

Take them, too?

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

Now, I can do it for just the summer but it would be just the summer. I'm not sure that's fair to the kids.

What's unfair to the kids is that their grandmother wants little to do with them.

Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts

You have a teenage daughter sewing her oats and a gaggle of children at your disposal. Put two and two together here. A teenager being around a ton of wild kids is bound to dissuade her a bit from sexual activity.

Amen to that. A weekend with a bunch of kids is a great form of birth control!

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

The question is should I be willing to do what she wants?

Because they're your grandchildren?

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I really don't think the baby cares if I've seen him or not

That's ridiculous; the baby needs to feel loved, nurtured and secure. The more adults he has to help him feel that way, the better for him. You do want your grandchildren to grow up feeling loved and secure, don't you?

Originally Posted by Dorthy

Can you bring your DH or your DD with you to meet the baby?

Which begs another question: Where is your husband in all this? What does he think of spending time with his son's children? What does he think of your reluctance to do so?

Originally Posted by Ivorytickler

I do not visit without witnesses after the events last year.

Oh, for heaven's sake, grow up!

[brokensky]

Originally Posted by DubbleT

Because it isn't or shouldn't be about Ivory and her DIL. It's about whether or not Ivory wants a relationship with the kids and what she's willing to do to achieve that.
She seems to think that it's unfair to the kids to have a summer only, less than perfect relationship. Most of us are of the opinion that even an imperfect relationship is better than no relationship at all.

It isn't as simple as separating out the relationship b/n a mom and her DIL and not have it affect the kids and the g/ma's ability to have any sort of relationship with those children.

Sometimes, for all concerned, it is best to just leave well enough alone. Send cards to the kids, invite the whole family over, presents at b/days and christmas and that's it. When the kids are older, maybe they can choose or demand to have time w/ grandma, but it may be DIL has poisoned their opinion of OP so much by then, it may not be possible.

I defy any of you to tell me you can successfully deal with a DIL who is hell bent on making MIL out to be the Wicked Witch. THe sympathy typically goes to DIL. Why would MIL even subject herself to that crap? Life is too short. Some battles, you can't win - especially if son isn't willing to draw a line in the sand.

And for all of you boo hooing and pointing fingers at OP as if she has offended mankind by not inserting herself IN A HOUSEHOLD WHERE SHE IS CLEARLY DISRESPECTED . . . the children HAVE a grandmother. STEPSON'S BIOLOGICAL MOM evidently is part of their lives. The kids are not suffering, for Christ's sake for lack of "grandparenting."

DIL's animosity is the root of the problem here and my answer to OP's original post . . . DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Guilt is a train that only YOU can buy the ticket on. Take care of your own family and let your stepson and his wife stew in their own juice. Getting involved in their drama is just gonna make OP a target to deflect the actual problems going on between husband, wife and their 5 kids.