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Old 06-26-2011, 07:20 PM
 
Location: here
24,269 posts, read 28,209,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wsop View Post
You can't be serious? LOL!
Quote:
Originally Posted by LeavingMassachusetts View Post
I read it 4 times to be sure I had that right.
I'm thinking the kind of man who is maybe raising kids of his own, or likes kids in a completely acceptable way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Yes, I'm serious. Pedophiles are more likely to be attracted to women with children. That's why incidence of sexual abuse goes up something like 39 times when mom starts dating. Sorry but mom dating or having a step father are risk factors for abuse. 1) Pedophiles will target women with children. 2) the step father/boy friend is not bonded to the children and has no biologal tie to the children. 3) the mother who is actively dating isn't putting her kids first. Yes, I'm serious. The world won't end if mom doesn't date but it just might end for the kids if she does.

I also know from experience that mom moving on to a new family with her new husband is not beneficial to the children she already has.
I knew there was some negative experience in your background that formed your opinion. Whatever it was, I'm sorry you went through that, but it doesn't mean they ALL turn out bad. Most turn out just fine.
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:37 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,391 posts, read 29,314,548 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
I'm thinking the kind of man who is maybe raising kids of his own, or likes kids in a completely acceptable way.



I knew there was some negative experience in your background that formed your opinion. Whatever it was, I'm sorry you went through that, but it doesn't mean they ALL turn out bad. Most turn out just fine.
Try looking at the research. My experience is pretty typical. Neither divorce or remarriage are good for the children of the first marriage. Unfortunately, parents prefer believe what they want here in order to justify them getting what they want.

And I didn't say my situation turned out bad. For a step family situation it was very good. Unfortunately, the best step family situation can't compare to having your real parents there for you instead of dividing their time between a new spouse and new siblings and you.
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:58 PM
 
1,677 posts, read 1,933,574 times
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Sounds like the whole moms shouldn't date debate stems from the boyfriend of this mother who beat her child to death. The fact that he had a criminal record and had his own children removed from his custody should have been huge red flags to the mom. And I have to wonder if he was abusive to the mom, or if he had abused the little girl previous to this, if mom knew.

I wouldn't say that moms should never date, but I do think they have to be extremely, extremely cautious about what kind of man they date. I would be very observant about any interactions between him and my kids, and if anything at all didn't sit well with me, he'd be out the door. I would think that the things to look out for would be a man who was unreasonably irritable or impatient with children, or anyone really, who flies off the handle about things that most adults know how to handle. Or the other extreme, a man who goes out of his way to be around children, and who seems to get along better with them than with people his own age. Anyone with a criminal record, but a sob story to go along with it about how it wasn't their fault, they were framed, wrongfully convicted, betrayed, etc...get rid of him.

My guess would be this mother saw a lot of warning signs, but was gullible, naive, too in love, or maybe dependent or abused herself, to be able to save her child from this. I wouldn't say this happened out of cruelty on the mom's part. Should moms date with children? Yes, but dating with children comes with a whole different set of rules than just regular dating. I think the mom should have been more careful, but either way it is a tragedy what happened to this little girl, and the mom is going to have to live with that the rest of her life.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:09 PM
 
Location: here
24,269 posts, read 28,209,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Try looking at the research. My experience is pretty typical. Neither divorce or remarriage are good for the children of the first marriage. Unfortunately, parents prefer believe what they want here in order to justify them getting what they want.

And I didn't say my situation turned out bad. For a step family situation it was very good. Unfortunately, the best step family situation can't compare to having your real parents there for you instead of dividing their time between a new spouse and new siblings and you.
obviously divorce and remarriage is not the ideal situation, but it doesn't always end with abuse or death. You will never convince me that moms should NEVER date. There are ways to be cautious, starting with not dating losers with criminal records, and including the things I posted earlier. If you can't manage to do it in a safe way, then by all means, don't do it. Some people manage just fine.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:19 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,391 posts, read 29,314,548 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
obviously divorce and remarriage is not the ideal situation, but it doesn't always end with abuse or death. You will never convince me that moms should NEVER date. There are ways to be cautious, starting with not dating losers with criminal records, and including the things I posted earlier. If you can't manage to do it in a safe way, then by all means, don't do it. Some people manage just fine.
I didn't say it did. Mom dating, however, increases the risk of a child being abused, significantly and even when they're not, the situation isn't for the benefit of the child as many try and convince themselves. It's for the benefit of the parents at the expense of the child. Children lose when parents divorce and they lose when they start dating and they lose when they remarry and they lose when they go on to make new families with their new spouses. The kids of the first marriage just lose.
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Old 06-27-2011, 07:49 AM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,258 posts, read 12,473,742 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaNomus View Post
Sounds like the whole moms shouldn't date debate stems from the boyfriend of this mother who beat her child to death. The fact that he had a criminal record and had his own children removed from his custody should have been huge red flags to the mom. And I have to wonder if he was abusive to the mom, or if he had abused the little girl previous to this, if mom knew.

I wouldn't say that moms should never date, but I do think they have to be extremely, extremely cautious about what kind of man they date. I would be very observant about any interactions between him and my kids, and if anything at all didn't sit well with me, he'd be out the door. I would think that the things to look out for would be a man who was unreasonably irritable or impatient with children, or anyone really, who flies off the handle about things that most adults know how to handle. Or the other extreme, a man who goes out of his way to be around children, and who seems to get along better with them than with people his own age. Anyone with a criminal record, but a sob story to go along with it about how it wasn't their fault, they were framed, wrongfully convicted, betrayed, etc...get rid of him.

My guess would be this mother saw a lot of warning signs, but was gullible, naive, too in love, or maybe dependent or abused herself, to be able to save her child from this. I wouldn't say this happened out of cruelty on the mom's part. Should moms date with children? Yes, but dating with children comes with a whole different set of rules than just regular dating. I think the mom should have been more careful, but either way it is a tragedy what happened to this little girl, and the mom is going to have to live with that the rest of her life.
Well said.
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Old 06-29-2011, 11:31 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,601,790 times
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So sad...but so common these days...

If I read the article correctly one thing bothers me ALOT...
It stated that the suspect was accused and was under investigation for abusing the child whom just passed away...

What I am wondering is why did the charges get dropped? What changed the minds of the CPS? IT is obvious by his records that he has prosecuted for charges causing him to lose his own children? In my opinion not only did the mother let her child down but the system let her down as well...

In regards to the whole mom dating or living with someone? I am a single mother and I take my child very seriously...
An adult is allowed to have a social life however seperating the two meaning her personal life ( Her child/children) should never be compramised.
This is why finding someone whom is an adult and can respect that you have children and no interaction between the 2 is going to happen until YOU are sure that the relationship is going to go somewhere and you really know the person.
This can be difficult however your children ALWAYS come first! They are innocents here, they did NOT ask to come into this world, they did not ask for their parents to seperate or divorce..they deserve THE best,..

I am stating this from a healthy pov...however we ALL know that their are single parents that are egocentric and just straight out innapropriate! These are the parents that have children but think of them as objects and they are "Along" for the ride so to speak..deplorable!
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Old 06-30-2011, 05:30 AM
 
4,502 posts, read 11,543,832 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mt-7 View Post
Great Falls child dies of suspected abuse | KXLH.com | Helena, Montana

Why would a women allow access to her child?
So sorry for the father, serving overseas.

Because they're desperate for a man and would allow some freak to abuse, neglect, molest, or even rape their child just to keep a man around. There have been so many cases like this --- IMHO, the "mother" should also be locked up.
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Old 06-30-2011, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
49,669 posts, read 49,132,357 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by omigawd View Post
Because they're desperate for a man and would allow some freak to abuse, neglect, molest, or even rape their child just to keep a man around. There have been so many cases like this --- IMHO, the "mother" should also be locked up.
This is it. I don't agree that single moms should NEVER date--it depends on what type of person she is and what type of person she would date. Sometimes it can work out very well for all involved.

But I have zero respect for those types who just HAVE to have a man because they don't feel "complete" or worthy unless they've got a man, any man, and that's where it's more likely the trouble will come in.

Of course, women who think like that are not fit to have had children in the first place, but that's not going to change anytime soon.
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Old 06-30-2011, 06:36 PM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,469 posts, read 6,096,135 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
This is why mothers should not date. When dh and I separated, I read that a child is 39 times more likely to be abused when mom starts dating. I think that's the stat for sexual abuse but I'm sure abuse goes up too. The child is baggage to the new lover and you have to ask yourself what kind of man is attracted to a woman with baggage?

For this reason, I would not have dated had dh and I gone through with the divorce. At least not anyone I hadn't known for a LONG LONG TIME and men don't tend to hang around if they ain't getting any so, probably not at all until the kids were out of the house and then I would have been too old...Oh well.
Then people would be complaining about all the single mothers.

I think women need to be sensible, and not go out and bring home casual subway acquaintances. Certainly they should not have a revolving door of sleepovers. But to not date at all? It seems a bit unrealistic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Actually, it's not. The children and what is best for them should come first. In what way does mom dating benefit the children?
Aside from the potential for gaining an amazing stepfather?
I had a wonderful dad. He's been gone twenty years now, and I still miss him. Truly wonderful guy-- came into my life when I was seven and my sisters were a bit older. My husband and I married when my older kids were young teens; he taught them to drive, policed curfews, and he & the girls held down the fort when my youngest was born. He's walked both down the aisle at their weddings. The grandkids follow him like ducklings.
A friend married a woman who was from overseas; her son had been living with her parents while she was here studying. A year or so after M arrived, he gave J the old "you're not my real dad" speech. J happened to be working with M on a school project at the time. His response: "this is as real as it gets, kid".

Yeah, rhere are steps who are horrid. Some teachers have sex with or are abusive to their students. It's pretty silly to assume you would just because of Debra Lafave or Mary Kay Letourneau or Wendy Portillo, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
The father figure can be the bio dad.
That assumes he's not dead, unwilling, or otherwise not in the picture. Or that he's not just a complete asshat.

Last edited by Aconite; 06-30-2011 at 06:52 PM..
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