Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think it's natural for some people though. I don't recall any specific guiding. I'm almost incapable of envy. When I hear good things happening to others, I'm happy for them. I've always been taken aback when others have been jealous or envious of me. My children's God Mother did that to me once. I was so excited that we were going on our first big family vacation, something we could never afford previously, and she just nastily chopped my excitement down with an off handed remark deeply rooted in jealousy. It didn't make sense to me because her family took fantastic vacations every year. Maybe I simply learned from my parents by example, they weren't jealous or envious people either. But it's not like there was an effort involved. I didn't have feelings of jealousy I needed to learn how to squelch. I don't recall ever feeling jealous as a child.
It is very difficult to explain, Hopes. I will try by comparing my parenting style with that of my mommy friends. Our children are only two years.
When my daughter doesn't want to share, I do not try to convince her to share by snatching away a toy, telling her that she is not being very nice, etc. I give her an option, choose another toy to share with the child or let me put the toy away (if it is causing problems.) Sometimes I tell the other child that my daughter will let her play with the toy in a minute and she almost always follows through. Why I don't think of this all the time, is anybody's guess.
Other mothers will make their child share either by taking the toy away and saying things like, she will get over it, you need to be nice, but Crisan's daughter is so nice, she is your friend, she is not going to like you anymore, etc. They rarely get cooperation this way. This is how I was raised.
I get more cooperation by not trying to change my daughter's feelings. As you can see, my daughter is not perfect. There are times she doesn't want to share.
In the case of the OP, the mother allowed the daughter to pursue activities that other children were doing to prove that she can do what they were doing. The feeling of envy was being ignored.
I think I learned this on my own, however, my own nature is to be internally motivated so it is easier for me than for people who are externally motivated by nature. They need some sort of external "push" to get going. Most of us need some sort of external motivation sometimes but some people are naturally more self motivated than others.
For someone who is solely externally motivated it is important to learn what motivates them and to CREATE external motivation themselves.
I think it is very important for you to learn about yourself. If you are externally motivated then learn what motivates yourself and create those external motivations for yourself. You cannot change your nature but you can create a world that allows you to be more successful.
I think the OP needs to do the same thing.
I think what I am trying to get at is perhaps your family set you up for success by focusing on the things you were good at. What those things are is mostly dependent on you, not your family or what other people are doing.
I definitely agree though that some may need more external motivators. ETA: I am also one of those people who do not need external motivators. However, this trait was discouraged by those who raised me simply by focusing on my mistakes or what they felt like I should have been doing. They simply just didn't know better.
I think what I am trying to get at is perhaps your family set you up for success by focusing on the things you were good at. What those things are is mostly dependent on you, not your family or what other people are doing.
I definitely agree though that some may need more external motivators.
This may be very true but even when you are good at something there is always someone who is better. If you are only focused on other people then you will always be overshadowed by someone who is better than you are. Always.
I graduated in the top 2% of my class in HS. The top 2% was fairly large though as my class was a class of over 1600 students. All of us know that it being in the top 2% of a large class means that a person is really smart. However, an extremely envious person cannot look at that without seeing the 30 people who graduated ahead of them.
This type of thinking prevents a person from ever enjoying anything in life. If a person buys a new car they should enjoy the car without being disappointed that it was a VW and not a BMW. If a person goes away for a nice overnight trip this type of person doesn't enjoy it because their neighbor went for a week. It can take all of the joy out of life.
Someone previously posted that you may be depressed. i cant say anything about that and say you consult a doctor to find out. I can say that i feel you 100 % and actually say its not that bad! I work in a really nice area! Im talking about co workers all drive BMW's and MB! I got the job by being a hard worker get paid a reg. amount but am 19 so i am happy! So basically this brings me to why i feel you are okay. Working here has shown me that it is possible to be rich beyond my dreams! You envying others shows you are insecure about yourself. If you drive past a nice home, then feel that you want it...you know you are insecure about your home or what others think about it! But in esssence envy is wonderful because you will strive to do almost anything to get that house until you do though you will be in a bad mood. Also you never will be happy enough always thinking " The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side". But for me, if you see me and 5 years with my own condo, and my BMW M5 coupe i'll honk . In this economy everyone is a brand. Your trying to sell yourself to companies to hire you, blah blah blah. Also you are who you know! I dont care i know im shallow...but im a nice person ! Work out, go on dates with your hubby, get new good looking friends....you shall feel better soon!
This may be very true but even when you are good at something there is always someone who is better. If you are only focused on other people then you will always be overshadowed by someone who is better than you are. Always.
I graduated in the top 2% of my class in HS. The top 2% was fairly large though as my class was a class of over 1600 students. All of us know that it being in the top 2% of a large class means that a person is really smart. However, an extremely envious person cannot look at that without seeing the 30 people who graduated ahead of them.
This type of thinking prevents a person from ever enjoying anything in life. If a person buys a new car they should enjoy the car without being disappointed that it was a VW and not a BMW. If a person goes away for a nice overnight trip this type of person doesn't enjoy it because their neighbor went for a week. It can take all of the joy out of life.
Exactly.
I also graduated in the top 2% in my class at university in science. An uncle told me, "you must have gone to school with a bunch of idiots." That was the meanest thing I had heard from them but that was pretty much the tone all my life.
I think the OP is different in that the mother wanted to show her she could do what her friends did as well. The feeling of envy remained though.
I don't think it's fair to blame all success and all failure on parenting. There's a degree of self responsibility. There are children who come from terrible situations but they are driven. Adversity can be a very good motivator for some people. As a matter of fact, I think protecting children from adversity can be detrimental. I'll be the FIRST parent to stand up and say I screwed up in that regard. Being supportive can backfire. Anything can backfire.
In my early 20s, I attended a meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I never went back. Why? Because they were all blaming everything in their lives on their childhoods and parents. I saw no benefit in that whatsoever. How was I going to overcome my weaknesses if I blamed everyone else? That's how I felt about it, still do.
I think when you get down to it, there is no one right way. Each parent and each child are individuals in their own right. What motivates one child might not motivate another child. There's no magic parenting recipe. A parent can do everything wrong and still end up with driven, mentally healthy, successful child. A parent can do everything right and still end up with a messed up child.
I'm right in the middle. I have one very stable, healthy child and another who is still struggling. Both came from the same parent! Yeah, I beat myself up sometimes, blaming myself. It's natural for a mother to do that. It hurts to see a child suffering. But I know deep down that my parenting can't override genetics. Yes, environment plays a big role but it was the outside environment that did the damage. I have racked my brains over and over trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I found no answers.
Sometimes things just turn out the way they turn out. He inherited a mental disorder from my sister, whom he never met because she died at 38. I hope his future is brighter than hers. Which reminds me, my sister grew up reading those same poems at the breakfast bar too! Some people are just wired differently.
Since I love my son more than life itself, I will be perfectly happy if he finds peace in his life by blaming me someday. Because the ONLY thing that really matters is his eventual ability to find personal peace and happiness within himself. How he gets there is irrelvant, really. If I have to be the scapegoat in his mind, that will be fine with me.
Most people have good insight into their feelings. From what I read and from my own experience, we were taught to ignore them or believe that we shouldn't have them. That is where the problem is.
Kudos to the OP for starting a thread and asking for help. It is not easy to put such feelings into words for all to see.
Good points. And I agree with you and other posters who note that insight doesn't necessarily change behavior. Behavior changes behavior.
This (bolded) was what I was referring to when I said validating one's own feelings. When we, for whatever reason, are taught that we "shouldn't" feel something, it is invalidating. The reality is emotions are complex entities and they exist for a purpose or function - they try to communicate to us that we are responding to the world around us. Emotions aren't good or bad - they just are. Telling ourselves we shouldn't feel them doesn't make them go away, it actually makes our brains more likely to refire them so they stick around longer. The action spurred by those emotions can have either positive or negative consequences - hence the "just because you feel it doesn't mean it's effective to act on it."
But the point being, telling someone they should feel something different or telling yourself the same thing isn't going to make it so. Acknowledging "yes, I feel envious or angry - what is my body trying to tell me about the world around me?" allows us to solve the problem or reframe the problem so we can behave effectively. Although the Desiderata or The Art of Happiness (Dalai Lama) are great resources for getting outside of our own emotional experience, they can also be initially invalidating if someone has spent their entire life telling themselves they "shouldn't" feel their negative emotions. That is, the great resources become just another example of how I should feel differently, without a roadmap of skills to help me change my emotions, if that makes sense.
ETA: When I say we learn or are taught, I don't mean by parents. Humans learn from all kinds of people and situations, not just our families of origin.
Razz, were I you I'd make an appointment with my doctor first thing. And I'd be butt honest with him and tell him how I felt. He might recommend you see a therapist. Or he might talk to you about going on an antidepressant.
Get a blood work-up. Make sure nothing else is going on.
You mentioned needing to change the way you think. A good therapist will help you with your cognitive thinking. Show you how you are "thinking wrong" and give you the tools to correct it.
That said, the best gift my mother ever gave me was in teaching me to be HAPPY for other people. I had one brother who was the gifted genius. One brother who was the war hero. A sister who was the gifted artist. My mother always told each of us that we had our own gifts. That we should not be wanting the gifts the other siblings had but develop our own.
She also taught us that life is hard. That we should CHEER for the sibling who did well in this dog-eat-dog world. I've applied it to my friends. I'm thankful for what I've got and I'm happy for them as well.
p.s. One thing is very true: I have friends who have great wealth and physical beauty. But what the world doesn't see is that they also have bad times in their private lives. Children with problems. Troubles in their marriages. You can't tell what is going on by appearances.
Check-up first. Then work on the way you look at things. (And I think you should work very hard at figuring out how you can take that vacation!)
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I understand
! Work out, go on dates with your hubby, get new good looking friends....you shall feel better soon!
That was the meanest thing I had heard from them but that was pretty much the tone all my life.
