how to stop feeling envious (maternity, party, toddler, pregnant)
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Hopes, at one point, I did believe that parenting the perfect way would produce perfect results. I don't believe this anymore. It wouldn't make sense if I believe that people should trust their own perceptions and intuitions. No one person is alike.
You wrote once that internet forums was a god-send for some people. It was for me because now I see that I had options. I had choices. I didn't have to do things the way I had always done them or the way I was expected to do them.
I like this quote: "All we are given is possibilities-to make ourselves one thing or another." Jose Ortega Y Gasset
That is why I am here. I have this tendency to think I know that right way and then I realize, most people can figure things out for themselves. They just need a person who cares or who is listening or who understands. This is one way of being effective even when you don't solve the problem for them. Nobody solved my problems for me on city-data, but many listened, many cared, many responded the best they could. I ended up solving my own problems.
And I'd be butt honest with him and tell him how I felt.
I'll never forget what I told my doctor when I finally broke down and sought treatment for depression years ago: "Everyone's gardens look beautiful, mine looks like weeds to me." I knew my flowers didn't look like weeds---that's how I knew I needed help! Depression really plays tricks with our minds.
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Originally Posted by DewDropInn
Check-up first. Then work on the way you look at things. (And I think you should work very hard at figuring out how you can take that vacation!)
Check up with the medical doctor is super important. There are physical illnesses, like vitamin and mineral deficiencies, that can cause depression. If all of the bloodwork comes back normal, then it's antidpressants and therapy. The goal of saving for a vacation is a great idea. My sister changed her entire life by becoming goal driven in her 40s. It's never too late to make positive change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
I like this quote: "All we are given is possibilities-to make ourselves one thing or another." Jose Ortega Y Gasset
That's a great quote, crisan!
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
They just need a person who cares or who is listening or who understands. This is one way of being effective even when you don't solve the problem for them.
I wish that's all it took. You can't imagine how much caring and listening I do. I just keep reassuring myself that he'll find his way, he'll find his way, he'll find his way. I am pushing more now. He needs pushed. I believe. I think. Goodness, I'm just guessing at this point. I've tried everything, but caring and listening has been there since day one.
I wish that's all it took. You can't imagine how much caring and listening I do. I just keep reassuring myself that he'll find his way, he'll find his way, he'll find his way. I am pushing more now. He needs pushed. I believe. I think. Goodness, I'm just guessing at this point. I've tried everything, but caring and listening has been there since day one.
You sound like a great mother. Goodness knows how many old posts I have read of yours even when I was angry at you. I can't remember your exact advice in the heat of the moment, but then I remember, I can take the heat away. That is what I learned from you and many others.
If you really want to know the extent of your posts, you turned a person who was uncaring to a caring one. That goes for quite a few other members as well. The world does need more nice people.
I don't think it's fair to blame all success and all failure on parenting. There's a degree of self responsibility. There are children who come from terrible situations but they are driven. Adversity can be a very good motivator for some people. As a matter of fact, I think protecting children from adversity can be detrimental. I'll be the FIRST parent to stand up and say I screwed up in that regard. Being supportive can backfire. Anything can backfire.
In my early 20s, I attended a meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I never went back. Why? Because they were all blaming everything in their lives on their childhoods and parents. I saw no benefit in that whatsoever. How was I going to overcome my weaknesses if I blamed everyone else? That's how I felt about it, still do.
Hopes, that's why I never returned to therapy. I saw a psychologist 10 years ago, due to my inability to extricate myself from what I knew to be a toxic relationship with a man, and it was all about the childhood and my mother. We didn't even talk about the man! And after awhile, I got tired of it (and also the pretense that this person cared about me truly when she asked for payment at the end of the hour). I'd rather seek answers here or from a cognitive therapy book. DH recommended Shoulda Woulda Coulda to me a long time ago since it helped him deal with the looping inner critic in himself, but it didn't resonate with me. Maybe I'll do more research on other self-help books. I'm a huge reader so instead of losing myself in some romance or vampire novel, I should do some work on myself or on my parenting skills!
I agree that much of the way I see the world and people (my mother thought people were essentially good but not that bright) has to do with the way I've been raised and the Vulcan relationship with my mother (who thought mindmelding was the best way for us to bond and for me to do the "right" thing). But I just turned 39 (to answer JustJulia's question) and at some point, I have to stop going back to my childhood and my mother, although I can't ignore it altogether. I have to start taking responsibility for my thought process now, especially that my 4-year-old is getting bigger and smarter and he's developing more meaningful relationships. He watches and listens to me more carefully now, and he doesn't need to think of me as this exacting negative force in his life, and only loving when he's being "good." I am replicating exactly what went on between my mother and myself - when I did things that didn't make sense to her, she withheld herself from me. I feel so guilty when he references me as being "upset" or "angry all the time" and I need to start reshaping that image before he starts seeing me that way permanently.
Hopes, that's why I never returned to therapy. I saw a psychologist 10 years ago, due to my inability to extricate myself from what I knew to be a toxic relationship with a man, and it was all about the childhood and my mother. We didn't even talk about the man! And after awhile, I got tired of it (and also the pretense that this person cared about me truly when she asked for payment at the end of the hour). I'd rather seek answers here or from a cognitive therapy book.
I've run into that too with therapy for myself and my son. I've learned that telling them straight up in the first session that you're looking for cognitive/behavioral therapy, not wanting to rehash your life because you've been there, done that. They'll tell you if they are willing to provide the therapy you seek. Don't write all therapists off because of one bad experience. You've read enough to know what you need from therapy. Just tell the therapist.
Hopes, that's why I never returned to therapy. I saw a psychologist 10 years ago, due to my inability to extricate myself from what I knew to be a toxic relationship with a man, and it was all about the childhood and my mother. We didn't even talk about the man! And after awhile, I got tired of it (and also the pretense that this person cared about me truly when she asked for payment at the end of the hour). I'd rather seek answers here or from a cognitive therapy book. DH recommended Shoulda Woulda Coulda to me a long time ago since it helped him deal with the looping inner critic in himself, but it didn't resonate with me. Maybe I'll do more research on other self-help books. I'm a huge reader so instead of losing myself in some romance or vampire novel, I should do some work on myself or on my parenting skills!
Razz - There are a lot of good cognitive or cognitive-behavioral (CBT) resources out there. ABCT (Assoc for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies) should have some links to self-help resources. I can appreciate you're not wanting to return to therapy if your past experience with it was very childhood focused. The more psychodynamic therapies can work for some people, but they were never my cup of tea for similar reasons as you mentioned.
There are a lot of good therapists out there trained in cognitive, CBT, and behavioral therapies for difficulties with emotions who will work on the current problem at hand, not the remote past. Disclaimer: that's what I used to do for a living. I always tell people to shop around for a therapist who feels like a good fit and be really clear that you want to work on X,Y,Z specific problems. At least in my experience, I never felt like I was being paid to care about my clients - I felt like I was being paid to help them learn the skills they needed to improve their own lives in a compassionate setting. Learning new skills to get through a rough patch need not be a prolonged therapy experience, either.
Either way, I hope you are able to find the resources you are looking for.
I've run into that too with therapy for myself and my son. I've learned that telling them straight up in the first session that you're looking for cognitive/behavioral therapy, not wanting to rehash your life because you've been there, done that. They'll tell you if they are willing to provide the therapy you seek. Don't write all therapists off because of one bad experience. You've read enough to know what you need from therapy. Just tell the therapist.
Great minds- I was just writing the same thing.
Razz - yes, please, just tell the therapist. I LOVED when people came to my office clear about what they wanted. You'll be able to tell from his/her response immediately whether you want to work with them or if you want to move on and find a better fit.
He watches and listens to me more carefully now, and he doesn't need to think of me as this exacting negative force in his life, and only loving when he's being "good." I am replicating exactly what went on between my mother and myself - when I did things that didn't make sense to her, she withheld herself from me. I feel so guilty when he references me as being "upset" or "angry all the time" and I need to start reshaping that image before he starts seeing me that way permanently.
I will share the same advice that got me started:
1. Assume good intentions.
2. Don't look for perfection.
3. Have high expectations.
Razz, were I you I'd make an appointment with my doctor first thing. And I'd be butt honest with him and tell him how I felt. He might recommend you see a therapist. Or he might talk to you about going on an antidepressant.
Get a blood work-up. Make sure nothing else is going on.
You mentioned needing to change the way you think. A good therapist will help you with your cognitive thinking. Show you how you are "thinking wrong" and give you the tools to correct it.
That said, the best gift my mother ever gave me was in teaching me to be HAPPY for other people. I had one brother who was the gifted genius. One brother who was the war hero. A sister who was the gifted artist. My mother always told each of us that we had our own gifts. That we should not be wanting the gifts the other siblings had but develop our own.
She also taught us that life is hard. That we should CHEER for the sibling who did well in this dog-eat-dog world. I've applied it to my friends. I'm thankful for what I've got and I'm happy for them as well.
p.s. One thing is very true: I have friends who have great wealth and physical beauty. But what the world doesn't see is that they also have bad times in their private lives. Children with problems. Troubles in their marriages. You can't tell what is going on by appearances.
Check-up first. Then work on the way you look at things. (And I think you should work very hard at figuring out how you can take that vacation!)
Thank you DewDrop. Your mother did give you a great gift. I grew up with no real passion for anything except dancing, which my mother said there was no future in. I was well educated but I enjoyed playing with makeup, colors, and paints, and she said there was no future in cosmetology (which she thought was hilarious given how much money she was spending on private school and college). I loved writing, lived in my head all the time, writing stories when I was little, but when I finally took my first creative writing class in college, I submitted a romantic story that the teacher called "banal" (fancy word for boring) and it just took the sails out of me. I guess that's why I hurt particularly when I hear about classmates who persevered and kept writing and got published vs. me who just folded up and died for fear of being boring. I just felt, even now, that I have very few gifts, or if they do, they don't rise to the level of being an unforgettable person. I have a good sense of humor, that's pretty much it. But I knew girls in school who were always remembered, their birthdays, parties, the world would stop if they weren't around. Sometimes I would stoop so low as to remind people my birthday was coming up and they'd still forget. DH tells me often how more attractive I am to him as the years go by and how he thinks of me often when he's away and secretly, I don't get why. I keep all these feelings to myself because he simply doesn't "get" them. He just says I need to learn to cope and stop looking for the cloud, not the silver lining. He's not wrong, but talking to him about things leaves me unfulfilled. A "get over it" sometimes doesn't suffice.
It was ironic that my mother, though a social butterfly in my mind, didn't really have that many friends, but legions and legions of letters and cards came to the house. I always wanted to have an impact on people like that but I'm not her, don't have her dominant personality... I was actually depressed and not inspired by an Oprah episode about people being moved to act or change their lives... I've never been able to get past myself to even be inspired!
I still have those feelings now when I wonder how parents have a standing date night with a babysitter every single week without fail, the annual vacation, or have kids who just love veggies and listen all the time to their parents without tantrums. I had a beautiful birth 2 years ago but when the pain kicked in, I wasn't able to keep my concentration and be completely calm. I pulled it together but it wasn't perfect. So when I read about those moms who had completely calm, pain-free births, where the kid pops out and the mom has a smile on her face, I feel that I somehow failed. Just most things make me think "I wish we lived there," "I wish we had that house," "I wish we could take a vacation," "I wish we could afford to keep our kids in school and not disrupt their lives.." I know a teacher who's a single mom and lives with her parents in a small house, no yard, hardly makes any money, but is so happy and always talks about how much she appreciates her life.
It seems to me you have two separate issues going on here, one being your jealousy and feelings of inadequacy, and the second being your relationship with your mother now affecting your relationship with your son.
As far as the jealousy, you've already gotten a lot of good advice.
But let me add, you should ask yourself what it is you are jealous of.
If it is material things, then you need to have the wisdom to know (as in know to the core of your soul), that material things do not bring happiness.
(Like my neighbor with the gorgeous house and boat and 2 Mercedes but whose wife is dying).
If you are jealous of accomplishments, then I agree with PP who said that envy can work as a kick in the pants to help YOU accomplish whatever it is that you want.
If you are jealous of trips/experiences, then likewise, you can work towards that as a goal, and save up and plan to take the kind of vacation you want. Or figure out a way to take a low cost vacation. Because really, it's not about going to France; it's about getting to be with your loved ones and experiencing new things together.
If you are jealous of a house, you can certainly work to make your own home more inviting, and at very low cost, may I add.
I personally don't understand your feelings of jealousy because someone else had a "perfect birth". You were able to deliver a healthy child that YOU conceived--do you know how many people would do anything for that? So it didn't go exactly how you had it pictured--so what? What is the end result? That it was perfect for you, or that you delivered a healthy baby?
Most importantly, however, you need an attitude of gratitude. (I wish I could play the piano, BTW.)
So many people are hurting in this economy, you need to be grateful for everything you have. This I think is the only way to find inner peace about wanting "more, more, more". Because really, most "stuff" you can buy just turns into junk nobody wants.
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The second problem, which seems to be replicating your mother's parenting style with your son, I don't have any good advice other than to consciously choose not to be that way.
But if you can't do counseling (which does sound like it would be helpful), maybe you can get pastoral advice or take parenting classes.
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. That is what I learned from you and many others.
or from a cognitive therapy book. DH recommended Shoulda Woulda Coulda to me a long time ago since it helped him deal with the looping inner critic in himself, but it didn't resonate with me. Maybe I'll do more research on other self-help books. I'm a huge reader so instead of losing myself in some romance or vampire novel, I should do some work on myself or on my parenting skills! 
