how to stop feeling envious (babysitter, baby, single mom, parents)
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This may not be entirely suited for the Parenting forum but I've noticed that I've always felt that what I had or did wasn't exciting enough or good enough, and I want to nip it in the bid now that I have children. DH makes a joke of it, calling out my envy by saying out loud, "I already feel the hate", when he gets upgraded to a first class flight when he travels, or if I find out a friend won something in a raffle, and we laugh about it, but I really need to change my thought process.
When I was little, my mother heard me come home and talk endlessly about this person in elementary school who played "Fur Elise" on the piano, or someone who did a backflip, or someone who did horseback riding, ice skating, etc., so in that order, she got me piano lessons at 5 years old, then gymnastics classes, then horseback riding lessons (those didn't last long when the horse ran away with me), and then ice skating lessons. The only thing that I stuck with through all of that was the piano, and that ended when I went away to college, because I really didn't enjoy it. I went to music school on weekends, and although I loved singing, I hated the piano.... always did... The point of my mother doing all that was to show me that there was nothing to be envious of the other girls, that they weren't doing something *I* couldn't do, but I think it backfired. It didn't lessen my envy at all, but actually made me want to morph myself into everyone else, and continue to be dissatisfied with myself. I did that freshman year college, spending money I didn't have using my first credit card on clothes, to look fashionable because other people were. Meanwhile, I'm the one in debt!!
I still have those feelings now when I wonder how parents have a standing date night with a babysitter every single week without fail, the annual vacation, or have kids who just love veggies and listen all the time to their parents without tantrums. I had a beautiful birth 2 years ago but when the pain kicked in, I wasn't able to keep my concentration and be completely calm. I pulled it together but it wasn't perfect. So when I read about those moms who had completely calm, pain-free births, where the kid pops out and the mom has a smile on her face, I feel that I somehow failed. Just most things make me think "I wish we lived there," "I wish we had that house," "I wish we could take a vacation," "I wish we could afford to keep our kids in school and not disrupt their lives.." I know a teacher who's a single mom and lives with her parents in a small house, no yard, hardly makes any money, but is so happy and always talks about how much she appreciates her life.
I need to find out how to appreciate all that I have and all I've done in my life. Don't even get my started when I read about old collegemates who've written books, worked overseas, started foundations, did a marathon, etc. I've just had to stop reading these alumni updates because it depresses me, like being a mom with a regular full-time job is somehow less than. Barring a psychologist, is there a way to change my mindset on my own? I do not want to be secretly wanting or feeling inadequate when I'm trying to instill confidence in my kids. Sooner or later they will pick up on it...
Instead of focusing on what you don't have or what you haven't done, perhaps try to focus on what you do have and what you have done. Maybe you can find a book or other source of guidance that will give you daily exercises to help you be grateful for (or inspired by) small things in your life. Sometimes working for a charitable organization, like a soup kitchen or shelter for homeless or battered people, can help put things into perspective.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody's life is perfect, and you only see what you are shown. That alumna who travels the world, maybe she has a sick or disabled child, or her parents are dying. That friend with the beautiful house, maybe her marriage is not so great, or she has a spending problem. That former coworker with beautiful children and pain-free childbirths, maybe one of them is doing very badly in school and she lies awake at night, worrying herself sick. Everybody has skeletons, everybody! Some have rotten childhoods, some have endured physical abuse, some have cheated on their partners or embezzled money or done something terrible they regret.
It sounds like this is an issue that has plagued you for a long time. Is it possible that it's worse now due to depression or hormone issues? A side effect of medication? A friend of mine lost her 22-year-old son to leukemia (the time from his diagnosis to death was less than a year) three years ago, and has been extremely distraught ever since. She realized just the other day that the medication she was taking for a health problem had shut down her ability to cope--she was walking the streets at night, crying her eyes out. Sometimes there's other stuff going on ... it's okay to see a doctor to find out if you need help.
This healing has to come from within you. There must be some way you can find satisfaction and pleasure from your own life.
I also see from your status that you are "a mommy who needs a long vacation." You might have written that as a joke, but it is probably true. Is there a way you can take a small vacation--an overnight trip somewhere with your husband without the kids? Or even just a Sunday to yourself for a long, hot bath, some self-pampering, and a pedicure ... or a quiet afternoon of reading while your husband takes the kids to the park? We all need time to wind down (husbands too ) and feel like our needs come first once in a while.
I think everyone feels this way occasionally. It can be brought on by a bad day, tight money situation, or whatever.
The big thing is to stop comparing yourself to others. That family who goes on vacations every year: They might be putting it all on credit cards, or cutting back in another area that you don't. Maybe they don't have cable. You don't know what they do to be able to afford it. Same thing with the date night people.
Since you don't know the whole story behind other people's lives, you can feel better about yours. Occasionally if I am having a really bad day/week, I remind myself of all of the good in my life.
I have a beautiful and healthy family. I have a home. I will eat as many meals as I want today. Even if I lost my house and bank account in 5 minutes, I will never in my life go homeless or without food. I have enough friends and family who love me that I never have to worry about that. I have plenty of people who love me and who I love.
If you have any of the above, you are a very lucky person compared to millions of others around the world. Just remind yourself of that occasionally and the envy will go away.
Instead of focusing on what you don't have or what you haven't done, perhaps try to focus on what you do have and what you have done. Maybe you can find a book or other source of guidance that will give you daily exercises to help you be grateful for (or inspired by) small things in your life. Sometimes working for a charitable organization, like a soup kitchen or shelter for homeless or battered people, can help put things into perspective.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody's life is perfect, and you only see what you are shown. That alumna who travels the world, maybe she has a sick or disabled child, or her parents are dying. That friend with the beautiful house, maybe her marriage is not so great, or she has a spending problem. That former coworker with beautiful children and pain-free childbirths, maybe one of them is doing very badly in school and she lies awake at night, worrying herself sick. Everybody has skeletons, everybody! Some have rotten childhoods, some have endured physical abuse, some have cheated on their partners or embezzled money or done something terrible they regret.
It sounds like this is an issue that has plagued you for a long time. Is it possible that it's worse now due to depression or hormone issues? A side effect of medication? A friend of mine lost her 22-year-old son to leukemia (the time from his diagnosis to death was less than a year) three years ago, and has been extremely distraught ever since. She realized just the other day that the medication she was taking for a health problem had shut down her ability to cope--she was walking the streets at night, crying her eyes out. Sometimes there's other stuff going on ... it's okay to see a doctor to find out if you need help.
This healing has to come from within you. There must be some way you can find satisfaction and pleasure from your own life.
It looks like we were thinking along the same lines. Good point about the medication, though. That may be something to look into.
The book Simple Abundance popped into my mind as I was reading your post - it is absolutely lovely, and does help you focus on the abundance that DOES exist in your life. The author has a simple abundance site, as well - I didn't vibe at all with her site, but you might! Loved the book, though.
I grew up in poverty, and used to have the same issue - that sinking feeling when I would hear about a vacation friends took, or something someone has that there was no way I could ever afford. It took a while for me to shift my thinking, but I have! I trust that you can do it, too, especially since you are aware of it, and are seeking help - two huge steps toward healing!
Instead of focusing on what you don't have or what you haven't done, perhaps try to focus on what you do have and what you have done. Maybe you can find a book or other source of guidance that will give you daily exercises to help you be grateful for (or inspired by) small things in your life. Sometimes working for a charitable organization, like a soup kitchen or shelter for homeless or battered people, can help put things into perspective.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody's life is perfect, and you only see what you are shown. That alumna who travels the world, maybe she has a sick or disabled child, or her parents are dying. That friend with the beautiful house, maybe her marriage is not so great, or she has a spending problem. That former coworker with beautiful children and pain-free childbirths, maybe one of them is doing very badly in school and she lies awake at night, worrying herself sick. Everybody has skeletons, everybody! Some have rotten childhoods, some have endured physical abuse, some have cheated on their partners or embezzled money or done something terrible they regret.
It sounds like this is an issue that has plagued you for a long time. Is it possible that it's worse now due to depression or hormone issues? A side effect of medication? A friend of mine lost her 22-year-old son to leukemia (the time from his diagnosis to death was less than a year) three years ago, and has been extremely distraught ever since. She realized just the other day that the medication she was taking for a health problem had shut down her ability to cope--she was walking the streets at night, crying her eyes out. Sometimes there's other stuff going on ... it's okay to see a doctor to find out if you need help.
This healing has to come from within you. There must be some way you can find satisfaction and pleasure from your own life.
Thank you for these words. It is true that I don't know the whole story at all when I hear about or see these people for just moments. You mention your friend... I think these feelings came to the fore when my mother died six years ago. I had always been a repressed person who "never got angry" about anything but meanwhile I either internalized it, pressed it down, or confided in my mother who would analyze it and "fix it" for me. When she passed away suddenly, I realized that I had no core of my own, wasn't grounded in my own convictions. I needed her to tell me how to think. I didn't have many friends and in fact, considered her my best friend, whom I could tell almost anything, so when she died, I felt I had no one, not even my boyfriend-now-husband.
A watershed moment for us in our relationship and for me personally was days after she died, he was staying at my apartment, and had started needling me about something unimportant... the litter box, who knows, what it was, but I lost it. It was epic. I've never lost control like that. I remember snapping, and standing there, literally like I was lifting up the earth like Atlas and throwing it him, and yelling at him in a voice I'd never heard before about him daring to bother me about cleaning when my mother just died. I even threw a glass at the wall. He said it was the best thing to happen to me, because I've gone through life pretending to be laid back when in actuality, all life's emotions had been just bottled up: anger with my mother for being so controlling, anger at a few "mean girls" I was bullied by... I never stood up for myself (since I wasn't sure who my self was since I relied on my mother to translate life for me), so my lashing out was this moment, representing all moments up to that point.
DH and I also acknowledge though that as cathartic as that may have been, it broke the seal on my ability to keep calm, so now I'm quick to be impatient, quick to get annoyed/angry, which frankly scares me sometimes when I can't seem to let go on silly/snotty things my 4-year-old may do. I sometimes act like what he's doing now is the person he's going to be so I lecture him like he's 10. I'm not necessarily happy with this new self also because although I can express myself better, it's usually a negative emotion, not a positive one. I get snappy with my kids far quicker than I should, and I wish I could have some of that, "let me ignore it and let it roll off my back" part of my personality back, even if it wasn't 100% real. So although I'm not nearly as repressed anymore and am able to understand why I feel the way I do, I'm still not satisfied with myself at all and I expect people to disappoint me in some way, shape or form.
DH and I also acknowledge though that as cathartic as that may have been, it broke the seal on my ability to keep calm, so now I'm quick to be impatient, quick to get annoyed/angry, which frankly scares me sometimes when I can't seem to let go on silly/snotty things my 4-year-old may do. I sometimes act like what he's doing now is the person he's going to be so I lecture him like he's 10. I'm not necessarily happy with this new self also because although I can express myself better, it's usually a negative emotion, not a positive one. I get snappy with my kids far quicker than I should, and I wish I could have some of that, "let me ignore it and let it roll off my back" part of my personality back, even if it wasn't 100% real. So although I'm not nearly as repressed anymore and am able to understand why I feel the way I do, I'm still not satisfied with myself at all and I expect people to disappoint me in some way, shape or form.
This all sounds like anxiety and depression. Have you considered seeking treatment and/or therapy?
Is is very normal to want to do things differently when you have children. Positive discipline is the parenting "style" I chose. I have read quite a few books on this but overall, the message is simply to teach your child how to trust their own perceptions, intuition and to develop self-control. What ended up happening was that I started to trust my own perceptions, intuition and I am developing self-control. Now that I am here, I understand the need to back off from my daughter and let her grow.
You can choose many books on the subject. Right now I am reading Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. Sounds technical but it really isn't. I love the last page for parents in which it tells parents to avoid beliefs that lead to negative thoughts. For example, I should impress, I should be perfect, I should be right, life should be easy, etc.
I am also reading another book called How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and How to Listen so you Kids will Talk. Again, this book points out how we as parents tend to ignore our children's feelings which teaches them to ignore their perceptions and replace them with our own.
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) and feel like our needs come first once in a while.
