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1. Your new wife is -not- these childrens' parent, and neither of you should expect your kids to treat her as a mother. She isn't their mother, she -cannot- be their disciplinarian. That job falls squarely on your shoulders. If she had raised them from the time they were babies, it would be different. But she didn't. So that's how it is.
2. Get family counseling.
3. If family counseling doesn't create improvements, OR your wife is unwilling or resistant to the therapy, then you have only one decision to make: which is more important to you: your children or your wife. And then act on that decision.
He needs to divorce the verbal abusive woman..like yesterday..
Wow , how badly do you want to stay with this woman ? I would have already called it quits when she started calling my kids names . She does not value children or you for that matter . I dont think counseling will change a thing . My brother just went through counseling with his soon to be ex wife and yes it was over his child too . She started the exact same thing and wallah guess what she physically injured his son and lied about it , that was the last straw and if you dont do something quick this scenario could play out in your house . I urge you to examine your heart and do what is right because I see this woman doing something really bad to your kids . Good luck .
Well, a year ago, I would have been with the rest of these "Dump her!" people. But, when my husband was under an enormous amount of stress (out of work for 2 yrs), he suddenly started calling our son names. Now, keep in mind, this was after 15 yrs of marriage and him NEVER behaving this way. I had to sit down and talk to him calmly about how this was unacceptable regardless of the circumstances.
It never happened again (him getting a good job helped).
Now, this woman does not have the bond that raising your own child from birth brings. Also, they are ADHD and coming out of an abusive situation, which makes it that much more difficult. I would guess she is reverting to whatever child-rearing methods her own parents used. I'll bet anything they called her names when she was a kid. And that's the only model she has. You aren't around enough to be a parenting role model for her.
I'm not excusing her behavior. I sure didn't excuse it when my own husband went down that road. But I would guess the stress and her own lack of parenting skills are to blame.
Here's my advice. They should all watch the movie "Step Mom" together.
Ha ha, just kidding.
I would definitely not undermine her though and make her the bad guy. The softer you are on the girls, the harder she will feel she needs to be to compensate for your lack of discipline. You need to both be on the same page. And if it is AT ALL POSSIBLE, you need to get a job where you all spend more time together. I also think activities that get them out of the house woul dbe helpful. Some kind of summer camp or tennis lessons at the park district. Anything that will give your wife a break.
I wouldn't give up on the marriage. The last thing the girls need is another change, ESPECIALLY if they feel like they can be blamed for it.
The wife says she is constantly stressed to the breaking point and doesn’t know what to do with them.
You said it all right here. You need to LISTEN to your wife.
She needs some help. This has turned her life upside down. Like h886 said, you need to stop working nights and be around to parent your children, who are acting out after God knows what happened to them, and it is beyond your wife's scope, expertise, and expectations when she married you to effectively deal with.
If someone is CONSTANTLY STRESSED TO THE BREAKING POINT, having a nice little chat about how she needs to change her attitude is not going to do anything but make her resentful, because you are not hearing what she is telling you.
Either be there to parent YOUR children, or if that's absolutely impossible, at the very least you need to hire someone to help your wife out.
You also need to make it clear to your children that while in your house, they need to respect your wife, and her position in the household. If they are having ongoing traumatic fallout from the situation with their own mother and her abusive BF, they need to get help for that immediately.
However, that is no excuse for them to go ahead and treat your wife like crap (and you, by default). You need to nip that behavior in the bud RIGHT NOW.
She acts like she is their actual biological mother, not their step-mother.
I don't understand this.
Do you mean only their biological mother should be allowed to yell at them? Or she shouldn't be trying to tell them what to do, or ?
It sounds like you may have some confusing expectations for her. Maintain discipline in the home, but do it in the way a step-mom would, rather than the way a biological mother would? Most of us who didn't grow up with step-moms don't know anything about how a step-mom acts, except what we saw in Cinderella, and I'm sure that's not what you want from her.
I know this situation is difficult for you...your children are trying to recover from abuse you don't even want to think about as a father, and you're trying to pull together as a family. At the same time, it's difficult for your wife...this is typically the "honeymoon phase" of a new marriage, and instead she's suddenly become the nanny and jailer of two preteens with a lot of issues. It's difficult for the kids, because they don't know what your expectations are, and with your work schedule, they're probably having to be pretty quiet during the day.
Personally, I would look into summer day camps or hire a sitter to come in a couple of days a week so your wife can have some time to herself. She needs a break from the kids and they need a break from her.
I do agree with the other posters that your daughters need counseling, and that family counseling would not be a bad thing either. Some problems are just too big to deal with on your own.
First off let me say you are a strong parent and have gone through ALOT with girlfriends, wifes, your kids, and your job it seems. I must also give you a online hug for reaching out about your issue with your wife and kids! It shows you honestly care about your family and want to fix the issue.
Now lets just get this out the way....DIVORCE is nothing to be taken lightly . Some people posted that you need to do that ASAP and i am appalled to say the least. As a child of divorce i can tell you 3 years later i am still dealing with it, and guess what...i will deal with it for the rest of my life. Children naturally want a mother and father it gives them comfort and when taken away they can become angry, depressed, lost etc.
Professional care is the greatest advice that has been said thus far on this post. When you married your wife you made a vow, for better or worse and loved her right? It seems that stress has entered your family and alot of traumatic events also and all you need is someone to professionally help you go through all your emotions. No one on here is a psychologist to my knowledge so when can only sympathize with you, share realted experiences, or give some advice but If you want to really fix your issues you need to seek a psychologist or counseling.
Best of luck and know that i hope all works out for you in your future!
Reading comments like this is examples of how not to be a good parent; Bad decisions others posted should have thought twice before posting:
However, that is no excuse for them to go ahead and treat your wife like crap (and you, by default). You need to nip that behavior in the bud RIGHT NOW.
( Children who go through traumatic events often cant not verbally say what is hurting them, so they "act out" this person who wrote this is very non sympathic to that fact)
Ok you need to divorce her ASAP..How dare her (she meant she not her) call your kids names? And first of all HOW DARE YOU TO ALLOW HER TO CALL YOUR GIRLS NAMES..
There is no justification for her to even call them names..they are 13 and 11...
Now contact a lawyer and get the divorce proceeding in progress..
( To divorce someone is something that needs to be well thought out, even when you file for divorce courts give you a seperation period to live in the same household and make sure thats what you really want usually its about a year. Your wife has entered a your family dynamic very recently and has made some mistakes....no one is perfect. I dont think you allowed anyone to do anything because no one is a robot and is there own person, but since everyone makes mistakes both parties ( you and your wife ) would benfit from you getting counseling before making a HUGE decision so quickly.
Last edited by VACollegeStudent; 06-30-2011 at 10:24 AM..
OP, always remember the health and well being of your children is #1!
For the record, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell her she can go pound the pavement
And then who will supervise the girls when the step-mom is no longer there to do so? No one? They will go to stay with their grandparents? Dad will rearrange his job and schedule in order to do so?
Bingo!
Dad said before that things were fine between the girls and the step-mom until he started dumping them on her for the entire day while he was asleep. This is his family and his problem to solve. He is their father. He's taking advantage of his wife and putting her in the position he should be assuming--as the primary disciplinarian--while he sleeps. Yes, I know he's working nights, but he needs to figure something else out so that he can be there for his girls and get some order established in the house. Clearly what they're doing right now is not working--nor should they expect it would. Maybe that model of dad works nights is fine when you have two married bio parents and kids without major issues, but that's not what they've got here. They have two girls who have been through a horrible trauma, have had their life upended several times and who are acting out in a major way. They already lost mom and now dad is never around because he's always asleep when they're awake. Of course they're acting out! Dad needs to get with the program, switch his job or work schedule, set up the schedule where the kids are with their grandparents when not with him, sleep less, or something, but somehow he must be awake and involved with the raising of his children, not dump it all off on his decade-younger, inexperienced wife. There should not be conflict with the step-mom because dad should be right there, jumping in to head off trouble, establishing order. He should be the ones telling his daughters it's time to clean the room, or clean up from lunch, or fold their laundry, or whatever they're getting into spats with step-mom about. They should be arguing with him, not her, because he should be right in there with his hands in the problem, working to solve it, not watching his wife flounder like he's a satellite to the problem when in fact, they aren't even her kids!
To me, it sounds like dad was happy to have their bio mom disciplining before, and he got to be Disney Dad on the weekends. Now he's pushing that off on his new wife instead of manning up and taking responsibility for the behavior of his children. It may also be there's a big dose of guilt in there too for not protecting them from the ex-BF and so he's being too indulgent. These aren't her kids. She is not equipped to be the primary parent to two troubled girls with serious issues. That's his job. She would probably do just fine in a smaller scale role similar to what she had before--taking them to the pool or the mall for fun outings on occasion while he handles the every day fights and discipline around the house.
And then who will supervise the girls when the step-mom is no longer there to do so? No one? They will go to stay with their grandparents? Dad will rearrange his job and schedule in order to do so?
Bingo!
Dad said before that things were fine between the girls and the step-mom until he started dumping them on her for the entire day while he was asleep. This is his family and his problem to solve. He is their father. He's taking advantage of his wife and putting her in the position he should be assuming--as the primary disciplinarian--while he sleeps. Yes, I know he's working nights, but he needs to figure something else out so that he can be there for his girls and get some order established in the house. Clearly what they're doing right now is not working--nor should they expect it would. Maybe that model of dad works nights is fine when you have two married bio parents and kids without major issues, but that's not what they've got here. They have two girls who have been through a horrible trauma, have had their life upended several times and who are acting out in a major way. They already lost mom and now dad is never around because he's always asleep when they're awake. Of course they're acting out! Dad needs to get with the program, switch his job or work schedule and be awake and involved with the raising of his children, not dump it all off on his young, inexperienced wife. There should not be conflict with the step-mom because dad should be right there, jumping in to head off trouble, establishing order. He should be the ones telling his daughters it's time to clean the room, or clean up from lunch, or fold their laundry, or whatever they're getting into spats with step-mom about. They should be arguing with him, not her.
To me, it sounds like dad was happy to have their bio mom disciplining before, and he got to be Disney Dad on the weekends. Now he's pushing that off on his new wife instead of manning up and taking responsibility for the behavior of his children. It may also be there's a big dose of guilt in there too for not protecting them from the ex-BF and so he's being to indulgent. These aren't her kids. She is not equipped to be the primary parent to two troubled girls with serious issues. That's his job. She would probably do just fine in a smaller scale role similar to what she had before--taking them to the pool or the mall for fun outings on occasion while he handles the every day fights and discipline around the house.
I don't even know this man and am sticking up for him . We all seem to be taking this thread very emotionally! Couldn't help but notice when reading your post that you mentioned alot about him having a "job" or "responsibility" to discipline the children. We are in a new age and the old method of father being the "bread winner" and mother being the home maker is so bible times . Parents don't need to be type cast into roles and kids should respect both the same, shouldnt matter if its the dad or the mom who is disciplining the kids. The real issue is the fact that there is ALOT of traumatic events and emotions that haven't been expressed so until the family deals with that it will be HELL in the household....
Couldn't help but notice when reading your post that you mentioned alot about him having a "job" or "responsibility" to discipline the children. We are in a new age and the old method of father being the "bread winner" and mother being the home maker is so bible times . Parents don't need to be type cast into roles and kids should respect both the same, shouldnt matter if its the dad or the mom who is disciplining the kids. The real issue is the fact that there is ALOT of traumatic events and emotions that haven't been expressed so until the family deals with that it will be HELL in the household....
Yes, but you've forgotten we're not talking about mom, we're talking about step-mom. And not a step-mom who has raised the kids since they were toddlers. This is a woman who is 11 years younger, has no kids of her own and is now being saddled with two teens with a horrible history, two teens who were abused and taken from their mother's home and who suffer from ADHD to boot. It is completely unfair to expect her to be primary disciplinarian for these girls who are at their most difficult years and have only known her for a year. This woman has neither the capability to do this given her background, nor is she in a situation where any step-parent (no matter how experienced or perfect) would have much success. These girls need their disciplinarian to be their father--their bio relative who has been in their life from the start--not some newcomer who isn't related, has no history with them and who they barely know. Recipe for disaster.
So yes, it is between him and his ex-wife (the mom) to discipline the kids. But since his ex-wife is not allowed to see the children because of allowing her BF to abuse them, the responsibility now falls to dad. Not to step-mom.
And expecting some help from step-mom is fine. But in any bio parent/step parent situation with volatile teenagers, the bio parent needs to be handling 90% of the heavy discipline, with the step-parent only there for support. Right now it sounds like this situation is the opposite. The dad needs to be "bad cop" here, not put his new wife (who is 11 years younger than him and not a parent) in that role by dumping the kids on her and then undermining her attempts to create order. HE should be maintaining order himself so she doesn't have to.
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Professional care
. We all seem to be taking this thread very emotionally! Couldn't help but notice when reading your post that you mentioned alot about him having a "job" or "responsibility" to discipline the children. We are in a new age and the old method of father being the "bread winner" and mother being the home maker is so bible times 
. Parents don't need to be type cast into roles and kids should respect both the same, shouldnt matter if its the dad or the mom who is disciplining the kids. The real issue is the fact that there is ALOT of traumatic events and emotions that haven't been expressed so until the family deals with that it will be HELL in the household....
