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DH and I are expecting our second child in about 7 weeks, DS is a little over 3 years old and all excited about the arrival of "baby sister!" Although I know it's normal to go through some periods of freaking out about how life will change with the expansion of our family, I was hoping to get some advice from the experienced parents out there. Any tips on how to juggle a newborn and a preschooler's needs? Things you wish you knew would change after coming home with your second? When in the world you manage to sleep (I know that one already - never!)? Ways to make sure your first gets enough attention/doesn't feel neglected? Things you wish you had or hadn't done?
We have plans to address most of these things, but the advice of experienced parents never goes amiss, IMO. I am certain that a time will come pretty quickly when we can't remember what life was like before DD. We are so excited!
I have 3.5 year old twins and a 1.5 year old. The main tip I got for the first meeting is- when your son comes to hospital to see you and baby, do not hold the baby; that way, you can give him a hug and he can sit on your lap as has a first look at the baby. We also had a ready wrapped present "from the baby" for the older kids; bribery works Plus it gave the older kids something to do in hospital while everyone cooed over the baby.
Are you planning on breastfeeding? That helped me because I could still walk around, or read a book with the older kids while the little one nursed. Also a baby sling/ carrier can be useful, it means you have both hands free to deal with the preschooler, especially when out shopping or at the playground. Make sure you and your husband each take time with the older kid only, while the other looks after the baby; even a longer bedtime routine with a bit of extra playtime or an extra story helps. If you have family nearby or coming to stay for the new arrival, ask that they spend time with the older child too (maybe bring him to the library or zoo etc), and if you have an open enough relationship that the visitors ask what you need/ want as gifts, ask a few of them to bring presents for the older child so he doesn't feel left out.
Once things have settled down a bit, look for activities you can do with the preschooler that baby can tag along- for the first half year or so, baby will not be very interactive so can be brought many places, such as library kid events or playgrounds easily.
Can't help with the sleep, sorry- still having problems there!
The biggest obstacle is helping the first child not be jealous of the newborn. How this is handled could influence your family dynamic for eternity. Nothing is worse than a jealous first child who hates the second child. My oldest sister NEVER got over it. There was tension between them for eternity.
My other sister did a great job of helping her children love their newborn siblings by including them in the caregiving via helping with feedings, etc.
Penguin gives great suggestions. It's super important that visitors spend time with your first child. My sisters and I would visit specifically to spend time with the older siblings, playing in their rooms and going on outings. We hardly even looked at the new baby, leaving our sisters to care for their newborns while we gave their older chidlren attention. .Ensuring that each parent has significant alone time with the older sibling is equally important.
The biggest obstacle is helping the first child not be jealous of the newborn. How this is handled could influence your family dynamic for eternity. Nothing is worse than a jealous first child who hates the second child. My oldest sister NEVER got over it. There was tension between them for eternity.
My other sister did a great job of helping her children love their newborn siblings by including them in the caregiving via helping with feedings, etc.
Penguin gives great suggestions. It's super important that visitors spend time with your first child. My sisters and I would visit specifically to spend time with the older siblings, playing in their rooms and going on outings. We hardly even looked at the new baby, leaving our sisters to care for their newborns while we gave their older chidlren attention. .Ensuring that each parent has significant alone time with the older sibling is equally important.
Haha - yeah, perhaps impending is not the best choice of words - I have placenta-induced aphasia right now!
I think worrying about sibling jealousy is one of my main concerns. We have a present for DS from baby sister, his grandparents are going to come stay with him and make a big fuss over him while I'm in the hospital and I can count on our friends and family visiting to make a big deal out of him during the first few months.
I'm a little worried about finding time early on to have significant alone time, especially with me, as I will be nursing on demand. We're already practicing that I can't always respond immediately if I'm in the middle of something else, which seems to be going over as ok as I can hope with a 3 yo! I definitely will prioritize having DS time, as I will miss him terribly if I don't!! I'm hoping as little one sleeps, we can have our own time together.
DS is already all excited to be my helper - several of his friends have baby siblings and he does well with them and shows interest in helping with them/interacting with them, which I think is promising, though who knows how that will translate to a full-time infant in the house.
Thanks a bunch!!
ETA: Not that books solve everything, but can anyone recommend a good "introducing siblings" type book?
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 08-22-2011 at 09:57 AM..
My only regret is how I handled the first night after the birth. The plan was that my daughter would stay with my mom and my husband would stay with me at the hospital, but I might not have clearly discussed this with my daughter. My mom brought her to the hospital to see us and meet the baby and it was wonderful. But when it came time for them to leave, my daughter got very upset. She didn't want to leave her mommy and daddy and new baby brother (her family!) to go stay at Grandma's for the night. My husband eventually got her calmed down, but she was still very sad at my mom's that night. In hindsight, I should have had my mom stay at the hospital with me and my husband should have gone home with our daughter. One day I will ask her what she remembers about the day her brother was born and if it is this, it will simply break my heart.
As far as the day-to-day, you will figure it out. It helped me a lot to have a sling that my son and I liked. As a baby he was taken lots of places, we would have never taken our daughter. I have distinct memories of helping with an egg hunt at the preschool and playing minigolf with him in the sling. Also, we took a trip to Seaworld when he was only 3 months old.
Edited to add: I also took my daughter to a class at the hospital for "siblings-to-be" before the my son was born. I think she liked being part of the preparations by taking "big sister class". They talked about what babies are like and also took the kids on a tour of the maternity ward (postpartum section) so that meeting the new sibling wasn't their first time there.
My only regret is how I handled the first night after the birth. The plan was that my daughter would stay with my mom and my husband would stay with me at the hospital, but I might not have clearly discussed this with my daughter. My mom brought her to the hospital to see us and meet the baby and it was wonderful. But when it came time for them to leave, my daughter got very upset. She didn't want to leave her mommy and daddy and new baby brother (her family!) to go stay at Grandma's for the night. My husband eventually got her calmed down, but she was still very sad at my mom's that night. In hindsight, I should have had my mom stay at the hospital with me and my husband should have gone home with our daughter. One day I will ask her what she remembers about the day her brother was born and if it is this, it will simply break my heart.
As far as the day-to-day, you will figure it out. It helped me a lot to have a sling that my son and I liked. As a baby he was taken lots of places, we would have never taken our daughter. I have distinct memories of helping with an egg hunt at the preschool and playing minigolf with him in the sling. Also, we took a trip to Seaworld when he was only 3 months old.
Thanks, Scientistmom! I've been wondering about the first night in the hospital, too. It must have been heartbreaking for you to see DD so sad.
My parents are coming to stay with us, so at least DS will be in his own space, but maybe I should send DH home to put him to bed/keep the regular routine and come back to the hospital afterwards.
I've looked into a good sling and a carrier, anticipating DD will have to be on the go with us much more than DS was. I am curious about the logistics of mini-golf while wearing an infant!!
Your son is at a great age to be mommy's helper for little things to do for the baby. Emphasize to him that little sister will learn how to do things from him, etc.
Scientist Mom raises an important point. The father staying at the hospital puts way too much emphasis on the newborn in the eyes of an older child IMO.After delivery, I didn't have anyone stay at the hospital with me. It really doesn't make sense, especially when an older child is at home. I surely didn't need anyone to stay with me. And fathers can always wait until mother and newborn get home to be involved in the 24/7 craziness of caring for newborns.
Scientist Mom raises an important point. The father staying at the hospital puts way too much emphasis on the newborn in the eyes of an older child IMO.After delivery, I didn't have anyone stay at the hospital with me. It really doesn't make sense, especially when an older child is at home. I surely didn't need anyone to stay with me. And fathers can always wait until mother and newborn get home to be involved in the 24/7 craziness of caring for newborns.
Yeah, I can see that. Although, I can tell you there is not a chance my husband is going to be willing to leave the newborn overnight (we room in, not use the nursery, so she'll be with us the whole time). I think we'll have to split the difference and have DH spend some time at home with DS and some at the hospital. But these are good things to think about - glad I asked!!
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Plus it gave the older kids something to do in hospital while everyone cooed over the baby.
