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Old 07-26-2011, 03:28 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,785 posts, read 24,016,792 times
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Okay Im going to say this once and for all . How many women who are dead at the hands of their husbands might still be around if a parent had stepped up to the plate and confronted that said husband ? Also I dont know about the rest of you but I would go to prison for my child and if my grown son or daughter came to me and told me that they were being threatened by their spouse you had better believe me and the boys would pay said spouse a visit and let them know in no un certain terms that we know what is going on and nothing better happen to my child . god forbid if something did happen to my child , he or she would never forget my face because you had better believe that I would be at every parole hearing and every court date they ever had . I would make it my mission in life to make sure they paid if they did anything to my child .
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Old 07-26-2011, 03:36 PM
 
32,516 posts, read 37,088,332 times
Reputation: 32578
Did I miss something?

Has the daughter been threatened/hit by this man?
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Old 07-26-2011, 08:03 PM
 
44 posts, read 90,968 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
Honest question...

Would you feel the same way about this if it was an all-American boy doing this? You know, smart, 6'2", athletic, blond hair and blue eyes from a good WASP family? The kind of guy who looks like he belongs with your daughter? The kind of guy you wouldn't necessarily be ashamed to show pictures of to other people?

I only ask because it seems that at least the impetus of your issue is that you don't think he is a good match for your daughter. That she could do better and you don't really understand what she sees in him. Such a feeling in the beginning can make you see things differently and question all of his motives. Just something to think about.

The best advice I have to give was already metered out. It seems like a combination of culture and "average guy with hot girl" syndrome. Your daughter knows how you feel and she seems to be leaning towards ending the relationship. Which, IMO as long as it is what your daughter wants seems to be the best choice as he is most likely expecting an elevation of their relationship or an end to it. I think he is just really looking for something definitive and is essentially being strung along.

I know that as a guy I would probably be really frustrated with your daughters approach to dating, especially if I wanted something more serious. She should be open with the people she dates that she isn't necessarily looking for a relationship. The longer she lets the assumption last that a relationship is possible, the harder the guy is going to try to make it happen.

FWIW, I know someone who had almost the opposite problem. She was in Europe for 2 months with friends and he stayed in the U.S. She wanted to talk to him all the time and got really upset when he wouldn't answer her messages right away. Their relationship was pretty new and she was afraid he would be seeing other people while they were apart as they really weren't "committed" yet. He wasn't dating anyone else, but I do remember the words "dude, she's a stalker" being uttered a few times, lol. So, I don't think at least some of what you are dealing with is entirely uncommon. In the above persons case, they stayed together and did end up getting married.

Yes, I most definitely would! Besides, a blonde and blue eyed guy would not look like part of our family, since we're neither blonde nor blue eyed

I came here because I was concerned and wanted people who were not involved to give me some ideas, their opinions, advice. Clearly if this was not causing me sleepless nights, I wouldn't be here. It is difficult to get one's feelings out, and to really paint a proper picture.
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Old 07-27-2011, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,475,124 times
Reputation: 35920
I have two daughters, and I too would be concerned if one of them were in such a situation. However, since your DD is an adult, there is not much you can do, other than to offer your opinion. Sometimes when you do that, the kid rebels and goes farther the other way (than you advise).

I agree the guy sounds controlling. I do not know much about Indonesian culture, but I do know that in some cultures it is considered "normal" for the guy to be controlling. Your DD will have to decide if she can tolerate that. I also agree that he may be trying to find an American citizen to marry, so he can stay in the US. He wouldn't be the first.
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:44 AM
 
44 posts, read 90,968 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
I have two daughters, and I too would be concerned if one of them were in such a situation. However, since your DD is an adult, there is not much you can do, other than to offer your opinion. Sometimes when you do that, the kid rebels and goes farther the other way (than you advise).

I agree the guy sounds controlling. I do not know much about Indonesian culture, but I do know that in some cultures it is considered "normal" for the guy to be controlling. Your DD will have to decide if she can tolerate that. I also agree that he may be trying to find an American citizen to marry, so he can stay in the US. He wouldn't be the first.

Everyone knows he does not want to return to Indonesia. His parents had a major fight with him before he went home for summer vacation, and once he got there. He had told my daughter, and she mentioned in passing that he was not having a good time at home. They want him to return and work there.

Everything has been fine. I had my talk with her, and now she has to decide when they meet again what is going to happen. I will be looking on though, keeping my mouth shut as much as I can and looking for any signs that signals trouble.
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