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I've been posting on City Data for a while but I've never posted in here before, probably due to the fact that I didn't find out that I was going to be a father until last March My daughter is due in September and my wife and I can't wait. One thing that has been heavy on my mind these days is work. We are both lucky in that we have jobs that were basically unaffected by the financial crisis (thank God), but I'm very concerned at this point about the amount of time I'll be able to spend with my daughter as she grows up. When I was a kid my dad worked for UPS-it was a great job for someone with only a high school education. He got a decent salary and excellent benefits through the Teamsters union. My mom was able to fluctuate between part time and full time work, and got to stay home with my brother and I for about two years. The tradeoff was that my dad wasn't around a lot. The good salary from UPS was because each day was typically 2-4 hours of overtime, so my mom, my brother, and I ate dinner as a "family" around 5:30 during the week and my dad would eat when he got home around 8:00. On weekends, he would be so busy catching up on work around the house that he couldn't do during the week that it left little time for family stuff. I hold nothing against my father for any of this-I'm grateful for what he was able to do for us. Now that I'm married with a home and family of my own and he's retired we have been making up for lost time. We deer hunt together (he had to give up deer hunting when he started with UPS because there was just no time), go to garage sales (he's an antique/Ebay nut these days), etc...but I want to make sure that I'm able to be in my daughter's life a lot more than he was able to be in mine.
Right now I work behind a desk with a lot of really career driven folks. It's a young office-I am at the older end (I'm not yet 30) and am one of the only married employees-of that group, I'm the only one expecting a child. A typical workday for the office is 8:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m., but frequently that will turn into 7:00 or 7:30, and then there's weekend time. I used to be here until 8:00 or 9:00 at night sometimes, but now I have resorted to coming in at 6:30 or 7:00 a.m. to get a jump on things so I can leave at 6:00 which is somewhat frowned upon, but I feel that because I'm somewhat of a novelty because I have a child on the way, I'm cut some slack. I should add that it's not as if I'm pulling down some enormous salary-I make $45K a year but the health benefits are excellent. The other problem (and this is my own fault I know) is that I have an hour commute each way, so that eats up a lot of my time too. My wife on the other hand is a teacher, so she works from 7:00 to 3:00, and while she does bring work home with her, she is able to work on her laptop or grade papers in front of the TV at night. She also teaches at a local school 3 miles away. Anyway, I'm trying to find a way out of this before my daughter is growing up before my eyes. Recently I listened to an interesting story on the radio about men increasingly trading salaries/high status positions for less pay, less hours, less responsibility and more time with family, which was nice, because it made me feel like I'm not the only one who wants this.
Right now I'm looking at a few different options, such as possibly finding some sort of evening or night work which would allow me to be a "house husband" during the day, taking care of my daughter while my wife works (she is a teacher), and doing household chores. I'd likely be taking a pay cut, but since I don't make that much money already (with a job I earned a college degree and $20K worth of student loan debt for) we won't feel it as much, but it will mean lowering our expectations as far as a bigger house, more land, fancier vacations, etc...in the future. It wouldn't mean taking a vow of poverty though-we have already learned to enjoy the simpler things in life and will continue to do so-it's just keeping up with the basic costs of living (gasoline, heating oil, food, etc...) that can be tough. I'm also looking at maybe trying to go part time for a Masters' degree at the same time so that once my daughter is ready to go to school I could reenter the workforce with a new skill. Just curious if there are other guys out there who feel the same way or have actually made changes in their lives and how they did it?
I not sure you will get too many responses from fathers, but I think its great that you want to more active in your childs life and are willing to change your work life. I grew up similarly, but mom didnt work until I was in HS. I didnt get to spend much time with dad growing up. It was the way things were back then. Im glad things seem to be changing.
What you are contemplating is what mothers and especially single mothers have been doing for sometime now. Good luck with everything. You certainly sound like a great husband and father.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I think it is wonderful that you want to spend time with your daughter. I don't really have an answer for you except to say that you have to make sure that you spend time with your wife, too. My husband and I did the whole split shift thing (he worked nights and weekends and I worked day). It was extremely difficult for us to stay connected as a couple. We lasted about a year and it was awful. I got laid off which ended up being a big blessing despite the financial hardship b/c it gave us a chance to re-connect as a couple. We also decided that we care much more about time together as opposed to monetary things. This inspired us to downsize and completely simplify our lives. Many years later we are so happy that we did.
I think it is wonderful that you want to spend time with your daughter. I don't really have an answer for you except to say that you have to make sure that you spend time with your wife, too. My husband and I did the whole split shift thing (he worked nights and weekends and I worked day). It was extremely difficult for us to stay connected as a couple. We lasted about a year and it was awful. I got laid off which ended up being a big blessing despite the financial hardship b/c it gave us a chance to re-connect as a couple. We also decided that we care much more about time together as opposed to monetary things. This inspired us to downsize and completely simplify our lives. Many years later we are so happy that we did.
Definitely a valid concern and something to think through a bit more-the advantage is that my wife is out of school at 3:00, so if I were to get a job that started at say 7:00 we could have dinner together as a family and spend at least some time together. It also would only be until our daughter was old enough for kindergarten. If we could downsize our lives more we would, but unfortunately, in NJ its nearly impossible to raise a family on one income unless that income is 100K+, and most of that is driven by housing cost. We live in a 1960s era two bedroom one bathroom ranch on a 1/3 acre lot. We live in a nice town with good schools, but our house cost $250K which is considered a "starter home" here Regardless, we are always looking at ways to save. We coupon, buy in bulk, can, freeze, etc...we make the most of where we live in terms of free and low cost recreation as we are lucky to live in close proximity to many state parks and forests. I run my truck on vegetable oil (long story, but I converted it and have been doing it for a few years now), and we prefer road trips and camping to weeks in the Caribbean. Still, there is a lower limit-the mortgage still needs to get paid (along with the ridiculously high property taxes), and groceries still need to be bought.
It is good that you are thinking about this, and that you see the importance of spending time with your daughter. I see a lot of what you are talking about too. (I'm a mom, BTW) When we decided to relocate, one criteria for a new job for my husband was no or very little travel required. I needed him home in the evening, and we sacrificed pay for that type of job. Most of the moms I know stay home, and a lot of them have husbands who travel A LOT. I don't know how they do it, but it seems to work for them. Whatever you do, you need to figure out what works for your family, and it might take some time to figure that out. Our family dynamic changed, and not for the better, when I became a SAHM. I had to do it in order to figure out that it doesn't really work for us. Don't make any hasty decisions. Don't give up a good paying job on a whim. Being a stay at home dad might sound great, but it has its drawbacks. There aren't many out there, and they seem to have trouble fitting in with the SAHM's. I think it could very pretty lonely. And, you wouldn't get to see your wife much. That's not good either. Anyway, no situation is perfect, and no solution is one size fits all. Thank long and hard before making any big changes.
To the OP: what you are considering is what many couples consider when starting a family, and it's a matter of priorities. You clearly have your priorities outlined and now, as a couple you will work towards making them happen. It is a risk, but a well calculated one. Guess what, if it's not working, you can always try something new.
When we were newly parents we decided that I would stay home, since I only earned enough to cover day care and neither one of us were big fans of daycare. When the first baby was 3 months old, we uprooted and decided to start our own business, so I began working from home, doing all the office work for the business...and that is how it has been ever since. I do my work part-time and sometimes from home and base my schedule around the kids. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
My husband often talks about being the one to stay home, but when I point out that he would also have to keep the house, laundry, doctor appointments etc...he let's me know that there is no way he would be up to my standards! Ha ha. I would hate to work all day and come home and clean...ICK.
What is interesting, as a side note, is that as the kids have gotten older, he has pitched in more, of his own choice....he takes them to activities, cooks dinner, goes to some doctor/dentist appointments etc. When they were babies we had just started our own business, and he worked crazy hours. Now that he has more employees to carry the load, he often works from home and tries to be around much more. So I guess my point is that there are ways to adjust and alter your schedule over time, it's never a static thing, parenting is always evolving!
Do some careful research about house husbands. it doesn't work for many men...not just stamina wise but ego wise and financially. And don't be so quick to take for granted that great health insurance you have at work. As you know health care is very expensive.
I think it would be wise to start letting your boss and co workers see you are slowly cutting back your hours. You don't have to make a big announcement and you will probably get some flak but your situation is about to change 180 degrees and if they can't relate, you may have to educate them.
your priority is to your wife and child and that means more than just money. Support and presence are especially important while your baby is young. It is easy to burn out with a baby at home.
Sounds like you will be a great Dad and congrats.
And unless you are working specifically on a Masters which will greatly enhance your salary without meaning lots more hours (thinking MBA), it might not be worth it. A new career would mean lots of extra hours when you would be needed at home.
Also going to school with a family is very difficult. You have constant interruptions trying to study at home and it is not as flexible as you may think.
It's really important to put in the time with your kid when they are still so small, as others have said. My wife and I made some financial sacrifices to make sure that both of us had time to spend with our daughter and it was more than worth it.
They'll ignore you plenty when they get to be teens. If you miss these first few years, you can never get them back. It's not a hardship (or won't be for you, you seem to be thinking about this the right way!) - it's a delight.
I feel very sorry for dads that don't get this or who aren't willing or able to spend time with their infants and toddlers. I've seen the results of that practice...
I think that you have a great plan. I was lucky, my ex was older when our kids were born, so by the time they were in High School, he was retired, and had plenty of time to hang with them, drive them to stuff, and be there for them. That was the bonus of having an older parent...of course, the kids always groaned..."Dad is ALWAYS around"...they could never get away with anything!
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My daughter is due in September and my wife and I can't wait. One thing that has been heavy on my mind these days is work. We are both lucky in that we have jobs that were basically unaffected by the financial crisis (thank God), but I'm very concerned at this point about the amount of time I'll be able to spend with my daughter as she grows up. When I was a kid my dad worked for UPS-it was a great job for someone with only a high school education. He got a decent salary and excellent benefits through the Teamsters union. My mom was able to fluctuate between part time and full time work, and got to stay home with my brother and I for about two years. The tradeoff was that my dad wasn't around a lot. The good salary from UPS was because each day was typically 2-4 hours of overtime, so my mom, my brother, and I ate dinner as a "family" around 5:30 during the week and my dad would eat when he got home around 8:00. On weekends, he would be so busy catching up on work around the house that he couldn't do during the week that it left little time for family stuff. I hold nothing against my father for any of this-I'm grateful for what he was able to do for us. Now that I'm married with a home and family of my own and he's retired we have been making up for lost time. We deer hunt together (he had to give up deer hunting when he started with UPS because there was just no time), go to garage sales (he's an antique/Ebay nut these days), etc...but I want to make sure that I'm able to be in my daughter's life a lot more than he was able to be in mine. 
Regardless, we are always looking at ways to save. We coupon, buy in bulk, can, freeze, etc...we make the most of where we live in terms of free and low cost recreation as we are lucky to live in close proximity to many state parks and forests. I run my truck on vegetable oil (long story, but I converted it and have been doing it for a few years now), and we prefer road trips and camping to weeks in the Caribbean. Still, there is a lower limit-the mortgage still needs to get paid (along with the ridiculously high property taxes), and groceries still need to be bought.
