privacy & locking doors (legal, parents, chores, clothes)

[luckyduck]

A friend of mine was talking about locking doors inside the house (bathroom & bedroom mostly). She said it upset her so much to grow up in a household that locked their doors as soon as they came home (parents & siblings) who came out only for dinner, then went back to their rooms and locked doors again. After talking, I realized I also grew up in that kind of household (though not as extreme) and perhaps that is why no one locks their doors in my house now. (We live in an antique home with all original latches, so that isn't an option anyway-- but even in the previous apartments we've lived in, we never locked the doors.)

In my house, everyone knocks or makes an announcement before entering a room, or at least calls out to make sure the other person knows you're coming. When a friend stayed over, she grew accustomed to announcing, "I'm taking a shower!" because there are no locks there either.

The more I think of it, the more I appreciate our literal open-door policy. I don't like the idea of my kids locking me out, the way I locked my parents out. My son is already 15 and usually that is the age kids want to be alone, but growing up, he's never had a reason to lock so I guess he got used to it. Plus, it goes both ways, my kids can come into our room anytime.

What are your thoughts about locking doors? What was the attitude towards it when you were growing up, and how has it affected your style as a parent? When you think about it, it all boils down to trust, honesty, safety, and security-- all nice things to impart to our children.

Thanks for letting me share. It was one of those "things that make you go HM" moments for me .

[Hopes]

Doors were not locked when I was growing up. Not inside doors. Not outside doors.

Doors are not locked in my household today. The same as my childhood home. None of them. Not even outside doors.

All locks worked in both households. There just wasn't and isn't a need to lock doors. I wouldn't even know how to act if doors were locked inside a household. We knock. Everyone knocks. I even knock before entering my son's room when he has friends visiting. Granted, I knock quickly so I can still catch them if they're doing something like a dangerous science experiment that could accidently burn down the house, but I'm still knocking. In our household, a knock isn't permission to enter, but rather an announcement someone is opening the door.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to live with people who only came out of their rooms for dinner. How sad.

[luckyduck]

Originally Posted by Hopes

I can't even imagine what it would be like to live with people who only came out of their rooms for dinner. How sad.

Yes, it was very sad, now that I think of it more. Once my parents had to knock a door down because my brother fell asleep with his music blasting. Everyone was worried about him and he simply fell asleep and couldn't hear anyone. Also, if anyone locked their doors and you knocked, there was a 50/50 chance they would not open the door at all-- so you kind of just went away.

Now I think of these things when I go to Home Depot and see closet knobs that don't lock, and think how nice it would be to have all doors inside a house be that way. I also think of it every night when I go to bed with my bedroom door open, so I can always hear the kids.

[sponger42]

I grew up able to lock my bedroom or (of course) bathroom door whenever I wanted. I really appreciated the privacy and trust that my parents gave me, and I didn't get into too much trouble. To this day, I don't know for certain if they searched my room, but they almost certainly did. And my "stash" of "contraband" wasn't very well hidden because of the privacy I felt I had.

In the case of a latchkey kid, it doesn't really matter whether the bedroom door locks anyway, does it? And in other cases, if they can't have privacy at home, the kids will just go somewhere else if they want to get into trouble. Finally, if you restrict their free time to be away from home, and don't give them privacy at home, you might be leaning toward the overcontrolling/overprotective side. At least, if they keep it at home, you can search their room to see what it is they're doing.

Seems like a policy of allowing locked doors but also doing unnanounced "sneak-and-peak" searches (that the kids don't know about) makes sense. If you find something that you disapprove of or that's illegal, you can come up with a battle plan with your spouse ahead of time and then bring it up to your child in a controlled setting. (Rather than walking in on him/her in the middle of something and having to react solo on the fly).

Of course, there are some things that shouldn't ever go behind locked doors. Like computers and webcams. No laptops. No wireless internet. Get a massive desktop tower, bolt it to the floor, hook it up to a hard line ethernet, and cement the webcam in place facing an open entryway with lots of traffic. And paint over their cell phone camera lense.

[Hopes]

Sponger42, in our house, it's not a requirement/rule that doors remain unlocked. Nobody, including children, feels the need to lock their doors.

[luckyduck]

Originally Posted by sponger42

And in other cases, if they can't have privacy at home, the kids will just go somewhere else if they want to get into trouble. Finally, if you restrict their free time to be away from home, and don't give them privacy at home, you might be leaning toward the overcontrolling/overprotective side. At least, if they keep it at home, you can search their room to see what it is they're doing.

I hadn't thought of that. Like I said-- antique home, all latches, no option for locks .

The funny thing is, my son still has his stuff that we've found... you know, "bad pictures" of women. He had it under his mattress. We found it, talked to him about it (difference between porn & making love, etc.), then left it at that. At that time, we lived in an apartment, but he didn't feel the need to lock us out afterwards-- and we still found those pictures from time to time!

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I guess whatever it is, has been working fine. Like Hopes, I think it's just that no one feels the need to lock. Plus, it is just a nice relief from how I grew up. Besides, I don't think I have the stamina to be an overcontrolling/overprotective parent! So it's definitely not that, thankfully .

[sponger42]

That's good. I think I probably had a different personality and environment than many of your kids.

I imagine my kid(s) will have different personalities of their own.

One thing that's going to be tough is raising kids in a different environment than that in which I was raised. If I wanted to run around with the wrong crowd, it was a grueling 10-mile bike ride or walk. I might have been latchkey, but if my parents got home and the animals weren't fed or other chores weren't done, I'd be in for it. If my kids want to get into trouble, it will probably be waiting for them right around the corner and I might not know as easily.

[southernlady5464]

As a teen, I appreciated the ability to shut my door but I never locked it.

I also know my daughter appreciated being able to shut her door but she never locked hers either. We allowed her her privacy but it was understood that we had the right to go in to her room at any time. If she was in there and the door was shut, we would knock first and wait for her to answer. We did not go in to snoop, but we did maintain the right to go in. Usually, I would go in just to put her clothes on her bed.

We don't even shut our door now, but then again it's just my husband and I in the house. We do lock the outside doors...hazard of living in areas where we had too for so long.

I can't imagine anyone LOCKING any inside door. Shutting it, yes...for privacy but locking it?

Of course, there are some things that shouldn't ever go behind locked doors. Like computers and webcams. No laptops. No wireless internet. Get a massive desktop tower, bolt it to the floor, hook it up to a hard line ethernet, and cement the webcam in place facing an open entryway with lots of traffic. And paint over their cell phone camera lense.

I absolutely agree!!! Always put the computer in a common area. Altho now we have a home office (as I said, we are empty nesters). Liz

[Jason_Els]

Oh yeah I locked my door. In my bedroom or my bathroom. I was saved from more than a few embarrassing teen male moments because I did. My parents never searched my room though. That would have been a breach of trust and I know they didn't because I put telltales on the closets and drawers that would tell me if they had.

I also had a nosy sister.

[GreenMachine]

Originally Posted by luckyduck

A friend of mine was talking about locking doors inside the house (bathroom & bedroom mostly). She said it upset her so much to grow up in a household that locked their doors as soon as they came home (parents & siblings) who came out only for dinner, then went back to their rooms and locked doors again. After talking, I realized I also grew up in that kind of household (though not as extreme) and perhaps that is why no one locks their doors in my house now. (We live in an antique home with all original latches, so that isn't an option anyway-- but even in the previous apartments we've lived in, we never locked the doors.)

In my house, everyone knocks or makes an announcement before entering a room, or at least calls out to make sure the other person knows you're coming. When a friend stayed over, she grew accustomed to announcing, "I'm taking a shower!" because there are no locks there either.

The more I think of it, the more I appreciate our literal open-door policy. I don't like the idea of my kids locking me out, the way I locked my parents out. My son is already 15 and usually that is the age kids want to be alone, but growing up, he's never had a reason to lock so I guess he got used to it. Plus, it goes both ways, my kids can come into our room anytime.

What are your thoughts about locking doors? What was the attitude towards it when you were growing up, and how has it affected your style as a parent? When you think about it, it all boils down to trust, honesty, safety, and security-- all nice things to impart to our children.

Thanks for letting me share. It was one of those "things that make you go HM" moments for me .

I don't think kids should be able to lock their parents out. And they don't need to as long as a parent knocks before entering. Kids need their space and privacy respected too.

greenie