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I have to say the sibling rivalry thing is overblown. The most interesting part for me has been watching how they interact around other people and kids, more so than they do at home. At home there are a lot of arguments, some occasional fights, etc., puncuated by moments of being best friends. All in all a pretty normal situation. Sometimes I think they must really hate each other, but it only takes one trip out in public to see that isn't the case.
We took the kids to McDonalds one day with the grandparents to let the kids play in the playland. DS was around 5 1/2, DD1 was a little over 2. There was a group of kids that ranged in age from around 4-7 who were playing. They wanted DS to play with them, but when DD1 wanted in on the action, the 7 year old said, "she's a baby, she can't play with us". DS snapped back, "she's not a baby, she's my sister and she CAN play with us, or I'm NOT playing." The group relented and we were all very proud of DS for sticking up for his sister.
There have been many times since then where he has stuck up for her in a crowd of kids, or helped her climb up the jungle gym, etc. It seems his philosopy is that only he can pick on/beat his sister, lol. It's those moments where any anxiety over sibling relationships melts away and you can give yourself a pat on the back.
My first was just a couple weeks shy of 3 years old when my 2nd was born.
For the time in the hospital, we had the grandparents stay at our house. For the first night, when I was in the hospital and in labor, my DH stayed with me but our DD could stay in her own house and sleep in her own bed because the grandparents stayed at our house with her. I think that was really critical, to keep some sense of normalcy for her and for her not to feel like we shipped her off. The other nights, after baby was born, DH went home with her and came to be with me during the day while the grandparents stayed home with DD. They also brought her to visit some, but she couldn't really handle more than about an hour visit.
Once we got home, I was actually able to do many things with my older DD while the baby was tied onto me in the wrap. Baby felt secure and could nurse at will, and DD still got tons of attention. We went to the park and on other outings pretty regularly. When baby is little, she is pretty portable. When it got harder is when baby started getting mobile. Now they are 5 and 2, and it is a little awkward age because the 2yo can't really do the things my 5yo wants to, but she won't just sit quietly in a sling and watch like she used to. She wants to be up and doing her own thing, which makes it hard to, for example, take my 5yo to the puppet show that we could easily go to when my youngest was just a baby in a sling. My 5yo told me yesterday that she wishes her sister was the same age as her so they could do more fun things together.
Jealousy was not really an issue for us. One thing we did to incorporate DD was when the baby cried we would ask DD to be the interpreter. "What do you think baby needs right now?" "She needs milk!" "She wants you to hold her!" etc. I think it helped her to empathize with the baby, and also allowed her to be a helper.
I haven't read that past 3 pages of responses but our personal experience was this--
My son was 22 months old when our DD was born. The entire time I was pregnant he told me NO when I would say there was a baby in my belly. He was not interested in having a little brother or sister. He went to daycare full time so it wasn't like he was home with me 24/7 either.
When DD was born DS went to daycare like normal and we brought him to visit later that afternoon. My husband went home and spent the night with DS. The 2nd night in the hospital I let the nurses keep the baby in the nursery most of the night (other than feedlings) and I got a GOOD night's rest!! Hubby stayed with DS that night as well. We tried to keep his routine normal.
DS did not want me to feed or change the baby. We didn't even kick him out of the nursery so his room didn't change. I slept in another room with a portacrib so that hubby and DS could get a good night quiet sleep downstairs. We eventually moved DS to his new big boy room and got him a new bedroom set around 3-4 months later.
NOW at 3 and 5 yrs old they really get along well and play great together! But it took DS a while to warm up. He didn't like sharing us.
We had a special toy for him and found a book about baby-something about being a big brother?? The biggest thing for them is how disappointing it is to play with a baby and the book talks about this. I think it is I'm A Big Brother by Joanna Cole --my cover looks different.
I have not read all the responses so if this has been covered, sorry...my kids are very close in age so when my 2nd was born, my 1st was 17 mos and still in diapers obviously (so you have that hurdle covered, LOL). We had family come in around my due date and when it was time to go, the oldest stayed w/them in our house while we delivered. It was great, oldest came to meet baby on following day; we had a t-shirt for her that said "I'm the big sister" and little one wore his little t-shirt. She had not problem leaving so mommy/daddy could care for baby as she was w/cousins.
Now, fast forward two months and I am overwhelmed that I cannot keep up w/baby feedings and still do stuff around house, entertain and feed oldest and keep my sanity w/two babies. I found a teenager that would come twice a week for 2 hours or so to entertain the oldest, paint w/her, etc while I caught up on laundry, made dinner etc. I think I paid her $5/hr and it was well spent and the oldest loved it. I only did this for one or two months so I could get a routine going and felt some control.
I wish you the best and you have to do what is best for your family. Congrats!
Thanks again, everyone. It is interesting to hear the different experiences people had with jealousy and sibling rivalry or lack thereof. I am not anticipating a problem, but appreciate the tips you've shared. I guess there are as many different sibling reactions as there are unique kid's personalities!
therewego - oh goodness - my heart goes out to you! Although I think I will be joining you shortly! Definitely an interesting idea to look into getting someone to help me for a few hours per week if (or when!) things get overwhelming.
ADVentive - It sounds like you used the same plan we have for while you were in the hospital. I'm glad to hear it worked out well! I think we'll also try having DS be the "baby translator!" I also appreciate the link - my favorite part was about not borrowing trouble, and dealing with things as they do or don't arise. I think that's fantastic advice.
Thanks also for all of the book recs, even if I didn't mention you by name!
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