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Personally, I think he wants to be the boss. (I know this because when I was five I wanted to be the boss. Then, since the universe tends to believe in payback, I got a child who wanted to be the boss.)
Perfectly normal, healthy, intelligent children do everything your son is doing. And more. It used to be called a temper tantrum. Since I'm not up on the current literature I have no idea what it's called now. But temper tantrums were stopped in their tracks.
Your job, as Mom and Dad, is to let him know he is not the boss. And you absolutely have to let him know that the name calling is NOT going to happen. (If you don't stop this now, he'll be calling you stupid when he is 12.) It's a matter of respect.
He needs to learn you are the boss and he is the little boy, IMHO. (I'm feeling old right now. I'm so old school. I never said to my kids, "I understand you are upset." What I said was "Stop!" They're all grown up and I only got called stupid once. The first time was also the last time.)
I absolutely agree with this. We have a four year old, who also gets angry when she doesn't get her own way. (And I know what the root psychological cause of that is - she's four.)
She doesn't call us names, because she's never heard anybody in our house call anybody names, so she doesn't even know this is an option.
We do not put up with any rude behavior whatsoever. And screaming at your Mom and Dad and calling them names is rude behavior. So when she gets mad because she's told no about something, (which you do if your four, or five - it's a perfectly natural response) - and consequently acts up - she is given a warning to cease the rude behavior (not because she's angry, but because rude behavior is not acceptable for any reason) and if she doesn't stop she's removed from the situation and has to wait four minutes in a place where she can see and hear what's going on, but we don't speak to her or acknowledge anything she's carrying on about while she's there.
If she hasn't calmed down after being there for four minutes, she has to wait another four minutes. It's mainly so she can a) calm down, and b) recognize the absolute futility of rude behavior getting her what she wants. Then we discuss whatever the issue is. It's usually no longer much of a to do.
She hardly ever goes there now. It's enough to even mention that she's going to have to sit on the naughty step if she doesn't stop acting/speaking/behaving that way. You absolutely do not respond to threatening or angry forms of communication. If you remove said child from the action, and do not acknowledge them until the behavior ceases, they stop doing it. It has no good consequence from them. Plus, they hate being ignored, IME, more than anything else.
The reason I'm not asking him about school is I read about this approach in the book How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk. The idea is that pressuring them to talk about something can make them shut down, but if they know you are ready to listen at anytime, they feel free to open up when they are ready. It's actually worked (and works great with my 11 year old). He spontaneously told me about new friends at school on Friday.
I was going to recommend this book.
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My first instinct when he has a tantrum is to tell him that if he wants to behave that way he needs to do it alone in his room. It's hard to know what to do. I don't want him to think he's being punished for his feelings, but his behavior is unacceptable.
That is the correct response. It is not a punishment. It is the reality. You don't have the right to cause everyone else distress with the upset and noise. WHEN you are ready to speak calmly, THEN you can be with other people. In the meantime, take some time to yourself to get in control.
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The holding thing: it's weird -- for a time when trying to get him to sleep he'd get really hyper in bed and once in a while one of us would resort to holding him in the bed. He would fight for a little but then relax and go to sleep. It's almost as if it was a relief for him. But it's not like he doesn't get lots of hugging and positive touch during the day.
He's a very shy kid, too, and I think really needs some help with confidence. We do give him lots of positive attention, but obviously we're not doing something right. Mother's guilt sucks.
I think I will start with speaking with the school counselor, and take it from there. It may well end up we have a full-blown eval.
Seeking a therapist for him and you parents might be a good idea.
That's different than catching him being good "Oh you're doing a great job sitting nice", "oh thanks so much for helping me", "great job petting the dog nicely" etc. Reinforce the random things that you want him to do more, and withhold attention from the negative ones.
On the reinforce front, I had it put to me in a really helpful way. "Descriptive appreciation". When I see you using your deep breathing to control yourself, I appreciate how hard that might be for you. When you help me with the groceries, it is such a help tp me...
Totally agree - but I would add more. In my household this type of behavior would attract actual wrath and the child would surely get to see it. The slap on the butt would be more than firm and my attitude would be 0% accommodating. It would virtually guarantee the child will calm down, be it out of fear. I believe it is OK for kids to experience some fear when contemplating the consequences of savage-like behavior.
That makes no sense to me. When my child is angry, I will model very inappropriate means of handling anger by using violence.
Personally, I think he wants to be the boss. (I know this because when I was five I wanted to be the boss. Then, since the universe tends to believe in payback, I got a child who wanted to be the boss.)
Perfectly normal, healthy, intelligent children do everything your son is doing. And more. It used to be called a temper tantrum. Since I'm not up on the current literature I have no idea what it's called now. But temper tantrums were stopped in their tracks.
Your job, as Mom and Dad, is to let him know he is not the boss. And you absolutely have to let him know that the name calling is NOT going to happen. (If you don't stop this now, he'll be calling you stupid when he is 12.) It's a matter of respect.
Assuming normal kid with no developmental disabilities, I agree with this.
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He needs to learn you are the boss and he is the little boy, IMHO. (I'm feeling old right now. I'm so old school. I never said to my kids, "I understand you are upset."
I don't see anything wrong with identifying his feelings. It can be very helpful. I see that you are very angry. But you don't have the right to cause chaos for the rest of the family. You need to go to your room. WHEN you have calmed yourself, THEN you can come out. There he stays, out of everyone else's earshot, hopefully, until he calms. Even if you have to stand there and hold the door closed.
Wait. The OP says when her son is angry, her husband holds him and talks through his emotions labeling his anger.
Most people responded that was giving him negative attention beecause his anger is a temper tantrum for not getting what he wants, etc.
I'm just trying to point out that there isn't much difference between B & C when anger is the emotion, except for the conflict responses "hold" and "ignore."
Since they have been doing B, the boy's tantrums have gotten worse, which is an indication that holding isn't the proper response to his anger.
Actually that's positive reinforcement of a negative behavior.
~Positive= giving something in this case attention
~Negative= would be removing something say he screams and gets angry when mom asks him what happened at school by removing the demand of him answering shes negatively reinforcing the behavior.
Both types actually reinforce the behavior the positive due to increased attention, and the negative because he knows if he gets angry mom will stop asking.
To the OP positive and negative in behavioral terminology have noting to do with good or bad both work in different ways. One just means you add something and one means you remove something.
My gut says he is a normal little boy and we need to have more consistent consequences for his unacceptable behavior. Thinking about it, I can't believe he's been getting away with calling us "stupid" and saying he hates us. (BTW, he got the "stupid" thing from preschool -- we certainly do not use that word directed at people). We tell him he is not to use those words in our family (or to anyone) but then we do nothing about it.
I'm thinking of the time-out for when he has a temper tantrum, but when he just gets a little mad and says those things to us? I'm not sure -- I had a few ideas. It could be a time-out i suppose, but I was also thinking of turning the tv off immediately if it's on, or taking away 15 minutes of tv time if it's not on (but at 5, will he really get that concept of subtracting tv time?)
On the positive reinforcement side, we will both try to be very vigilant in identifying those times he is calm, especially when he handles frustration or anger calmly. He gets this huge smile on his face whenever we point out something positive that he does, so that will help a lot I would think.
On the positive reinforcement side, we will both try to be very vigilant in identifying those times he is calm, especially when he handles frustration or anger calmly. He gets this huge smile on his face whenever we point out something positive that he does, so that will help a lot I would think.
I am a HUGE believer in positive reinforcement. Lots of hugs, lots of kisses when they do something right. (But stopping just short of making them think they're God's gift to America.)
On the name calling. We just flat-out told them, "No. You do NOT call people names. Especially Mom and Dad." If you're firm and have the right tone of voice (which means they know you mean business - follow up) they'll stop.
Firm tone of voice seems to be going out of fashion. But I'm a big believer in it. You don't have to get in their face and yell. But the tone tells them it's in their best interest to stop.
Firm tone of voice seems to be going out of fashion. But I'm a big believer in it. You don't have to get in their face and yell. But the tone tells them it's in their best interest to stop.
As a behavior therapist and a mom of a 3 yo, let me second the firm tone of voice. Not yelling, which may inadvertently give too much attention to the behavior you want to stop, but a firm tone of voice can be key, especially as a precursor or "warning" of punishment or time out to follow if the behavior continues. When applied consistently, it works wonders as a deterant!
I must need work on my "stern tone of voice" because I swear I use it a lot in these situations. I know I do resort to yelling not infrequently.
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