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Old 09-18-2011, 09:37 PM
 
Location: the bluegrass state
62 posts, read 32,571 times
Reputation: 57
Unhappy Mothers and Daughters

I have a question tonight its been on my mind a lot lately and I guess i am seeking some personal input or support. I have never had what you would say a good relationship with my mother, then again I wonder after a girl hits puberty what one does! laughing out loud any how back to the point. after i turned 16 I took an interest again in my mother and it never left me, I was always wanting to be near her always wanting to do things with my mom that i should have done long before the age of 16. I know life is not perfect but i just wanted to feel like i mattered to her. Now even being a young woman, and married juggling being a full time wife and a full time college student, i still long to have my mother in my life but it just isn't happening. it really hurt when i was rejected for quality time with her last weekend for things i dont feel is important to mention. and lets just say even now it hurts, the rejection of a mothers love, time and understanding was never really there and still isn't. Are their any mothers in this forum or daughters that can relate to me or may have some sort of suggestions and guidance that would maybe put me on track as to how to just let it go get over it move on or how i can fix it? ugh
Thanks.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:45 PM
 
Location: Denver area
16,913 posts, read 11,686,646 times
Reputation: 18853
Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:56 PM
 
Location: Small town Montana
1,209 posts, read 1,330,154 times
Reputation: 2348
Whatever the other things Mom had to do that aren't important enough to mention here... probably are the root of the matter. Did she opt to spend time with a man? Is she newly dating and you don't like it? Is she returning to school, traveling, taking a class? Mom decided to do something besides spend time with you when you wanted her to and now you've decided that she is rejecting you and refusing to love you?

There is more to this relationship than a few sentences of advice on a forum can solve...

Clearly, there is a rocky history here between you and Mom.
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Old 09-18-2011, 09:57 PM
 
Location: Palm Beach County
606 posts, read 798,392 times
Reputation: 434
Quote:
Originally Posted by worrywart23 View Post
I have a question tonight its been on my mind a lot lately and I guess i am seeking some personal input or support. I have never had what you would say a good relationship with my mother, then again I wonder after a girl hits puberty what one does! laughing out loud any how back to the point. after i turned 16 I took an interest again in my mother and it never left me, I was always wanting to be near her always wanting to do things with my mom that i should have done long before the age of 16. I know life is not perfect but i just wanted to feel like i mattered to her. Now even being a young woman, and married juggling being a full time wife and a full time college student, i still long to have my mother in my life but it just isn't happening. it really hurt when i was rejected for quality time with her last weekend for things i dont feel is important to mention. and lets just say even now it hurts, the rejection of a mothers love, time and understanding was never really there and still isn't. Are their any mothers in this forum or daughters that can relate to me or may have some sort of suggestions and guidance that would maybe put me on track as to how to just let it go get over it move on or how i can fix it? ugh
Thanks.
Does your Mother know how you feel? Ever tried talking to her and expressing what you are feeling?

If you are not comfortable initiating the talk; write a letter to her.

Good luck and keep us posted. :-)
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Old 09-18-2011, 10:46 PM
 
Location: the bluegrass state
62 posts, read 32,571 times
Reputation: 57
there is always a little more to things then what is mentioned... Saber my mother and I like i said never had a relationship, and everytime i tried to reach out for her i seemed to be pushed away no offense but i don't think it should matter who is in a mothers life their children should come first if they are under the age of 18 i do believe. and as far as we go now.. it just hurts that Alcohol and spending time with people who are younger than me.. and partying are more important than me as well.. she also has two other children and one who needs her more than i do because of disabilities.
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Old 09-18-2011, 10:47 PM
 
Location: the bluegrass state
62 posts, read 32,571 times
Reputation: 57
Hey summer, yes i actually tried talking to her this evening.. but it was just a huge blow up.. she didn't want to listen to me kept disconnecting with me its like no matter how much i tried to explain i wanted her in my life, it went right through her.
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Old 09-18-2011, 10:53 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 4,794,217 times
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If your mom is an alcoholic, reason will get you nowhere. You will find understanding at an Alanon meeting . . . also online there are resources - Sober Recovery Forum has a section for "Friends and Family of Alcoholics."

There are also a lot of books on ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic).

It's not about you, it's about the alcohol, so don't take it personally.
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Old 09-18-2011, 10:58 PM
 
2,969 posts, read 1,795,582 times
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Sometimes, people in your situation make their own "families" in adulthood. That is to say they accept that their blood relative(s) are who they are and can't/won't change, then go on to gather people they love and trust around them as they go through life, forming close relationships with people who feel like "family" to them.

All those thing you want in a mom... they can be had, but it may never be with her. Find and make good friends with healthy people who actually make your life better I say. Seems worth a try anyway, you know? I'm not saying dump your mom, just maybe begin to think about not expecting certain things from her anymore. Maybe she can't give them.

My mom is not an alcoholic but she has issues. She's not truly close to any of us. I had to learn to let it go myself... the idea of a loving, supportive mom. But in the end I turned out okay. Hugs to you.
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Old 09-18-2011, 11:11 PM
 
Location: the bluegrass state
62 posts, read 32,571 times
Reputation: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Sometimes, people in your situation make their own "families" in adulthood. That is to say they accept that their blood relative(s) are who they are and can't/won't change, then go on to gather people they love and trust around them as they go through life, forming close relationships with people who feel like "family" to them.

All those thing you want in a mom... they can be had, but it may never be with her. Find and make good friends with healthy people who actually make your life better I say. Seems worth a try anyway, you know? I'm not saying dump your mom, just maybe begin to think about not expecting certain things from her anymore. Maybe she can't give them.

My mom is not an alcoholic but she has issues. She's not truly close to any of us. I had to learn to let it go myself... the idea of a loving, supportive mom. But in the end I turned out okay. Hugs to you.
Tinawina dear, I think this is one of the best responses I have had.. You know I though many of times that maybe i should try expressing how I feel through Letters or emails but if she does not listen to me while I am standing right there in front of her showing all of my emotions with hurt and love.. then what was i thinking when i thought a letter might be a good idea. And you know my husband and I have plans on starting a little family of our own soon, I think what i should focus on is breaking the cycle.. and loving my hopefully future children unconditionally and always being a good mom and doing the best i can whether i will have a mother or they will have a grandmother i should realize that all through growing up someone else was there to guide me, love me and pick me up along the way.. even if it wasn't my mom.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,052,840 times
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(((hugs))) to you worrywart. I'm sorry for the loss you feel concerning the lack of relationship with your mother. You know, as hard as it is to truly believe sometimes, we can come from our mothers bodies, and yet not have a single thing in common. I know it really hurts, but it's just who they are.

I have seen mothers who adored their children, until puberty hit and their child started pushing their mom away.

Mom #1 says, "Aw, she'll grow out of it and want to come back to me once this teenage crap is over."

Mom #2 says, "Everything I hoped to do with my daughter, the relationship I planned to have...it's over. Everyone eventually leaves me, why should my daughter be any different? In order to deal with her rejection Mom #2 builds a brick wall where her mother/daughter relationship should have been and in order to "survive", fills her heart with other people and other things.

There are also moms out there who never, for some reason, grew up my dear. They will still be partying with younger people when they're 60 years old. People their own age have either lost their minds to the alcohol and/or drugs, straightened out and decided that family was more important than partying, died from partying, or simply continue to form relationships with people "like them"..because they have "so much in common". It's like something in their brains tell them that growing up is no fun and they can't handle the reality of adulthood. Many of these people become/are alcoholics. Before they know it, the alcohol is the thing running the show.

If your mom is one of those people, her alcohol is the only thing that accepts her the way she is. If you disapprove of her alcohol and young drinking buddies, you are rejecting "her". (well, that's the way SHE feels). Worrywart, you are very fortunate. You said that there were people you could turn to when you were younger. If those people are positive influences in your life, I say fill your time with those people. Make your own life. Don't abandon her, but she is making her own decisions and living her own life and simply may not be capable of being who you want her to be.

I have a dear young lady, whom I've known since she was 12. She is now 35. Her mother was a substance abuser who always had a boyfriend on one arm (preferably one who could provide cocaine) and a beer/mixed drink in the other. I was the "there" person for this young lady and she even lived with my husband and I a couple of times. She went through the same thing as you're going through and eventually came to terms with the fact that her mother, even though she gave birth to children, was not m-o-t-h-e-r material. It's like something in her brain failed to acknowledge that she was "responsible" for these young people.

She doesn't "feel" the kind of feelings that some mothers do, for their children. To me, it's like something out of the animal kingdom...you give birth, they're on their own. I can now get back to my life. She's okay with that now. Unfortunately, there are a few missing pieces in her that she has to work on every day, with her own children and either it's a genetic thing or learned. I still haven't figured that one out. Hang in there and know this isn't your fault. If everyone had a warm fuzzy relationship with their parents, there'd be nothing to compare it to would there? If you're going to start your own family, just remember what kind of parent you would have loved have and strive to be that kind of parent. You'll probably end up somewhere in between though...and that's just fine.
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