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There are some great suggestion here. I thought I'd also toss out the idea of validating the feeling (since feelings are always valid) without validating the content of DS's concern. This way you can side-step the "never," "always," "for all time" parts of DS's statements that aren't factually accurate (but that he's in no place to hear about when he's distressed). For example, I can see you feel sad/scared that you won't find your toy. It's ok to feel sad/scared sometimes. I wonder how we can solve this problem....(and then move into brainstorming different ways to look for the toy).
Sometimes, humans "freak out" emotionally and escalate our emotional responding when we feel like no one understands why we're so distressed. By validating the feeling, it can disrupt the escalating emotional response and give some space for initiating problem solving. This may not at all be applicable in your situation and if there's something else going on that is causing the intense emotional response, this won't work. But I thought it was worth mentioning if the other things don't work out. It's a handy skill for teaching kids in general how to separate out emotion from content and learn how to self-regulate, which is a long-term developmental goal.
I used a combination of things for my dramatic DD. When the world was ending because she couldn't find her toy, I would jump right in with my own dramatic problem. "Oh NO! My drink is 3" away from my hand. I will never get to have a drink ever again. I am going to be thristy forever!" I would make sure it was over the top and as dramatic as possible about the silliest things that I would never even think about (drink being 3" away) that she could help me fix. She would usually look really confused, walk over and put the drink in my hand. I would thank her and then say "that was kind of silly wasn't it. Getting so worried about something so little." Fixing my problem would usually snap her out of it and she would pull herself together and ask for my help.
The second problem that usually goes along with a dramatic child is whining. Usually if they don't go into full drama mode, they whine about the smallest things. When i would hear the whine in her voice, I pretended like she was speaking a different language and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. As soon as she got a normal voice, I could understand her again. When I pretended like I couldn't understand her either she would get mad because she was already in a bad mood and she would storm off (she would come back much calmer) or she would start giggling.
It could be your child is nervous about the move, but it is coming out in other ways.
Oh definitely. He has always done this, but the move has amplified it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hypocore
1.Re-direction is a great tool for kids who react so dramatically.
2. Hopefully the only reason he is missing out on dessert is because he didn't eat the main meal, as food battles are not something you can ever win.
3. On the calling himself stupid....that's just as good as a cuss word in my house and isn't allowed to be used.
4. You stop him instantly and say, I cannot help you when you act like this and walk away. Do not feed into it. He will realize that he has lost your attention, which is what he wants, and he will try again to get it.
5. The Santa thing....first, I'd also outlaw using the phrase 'bad boy' just like 'stupid'. Not allowed. Period. Then I'd change his direction on how he views lists.
1. We have tried redirection, with mixed results. Sometimes it works, but often he just keeps going back to the original point, then getting frustrated and saying "You're not listening to me! You don't understand me!"
2. Naw, it's just that we only have dessert on weekends. House rule. This is sometimes his reaction when I say no in the middle of the week. It never works, so I don't know why he keeps doing it. LOL
3. "Stupid" isn't allowed in our house either. I think he pulls it out to get a rise out of me. This used to be a MUCH bigger problem, but it is one of the few things he's gotten better about. It took us a solid 8 months to convince him he was not dumb. The irony is, he's always been one of the smartest kids in class but he went through a phase where he kept comparing himself to his older sister. Plus she felt the need to constantly point out every time he was wrong about something, so we had to put a stop to that. He's better now, he only does it when he's frustrated about a particular lesson. I want him to stop freaking out entirely though. I'm not sure I'm going to get that anytime soon. Perhaps it is a confidence issue? I dunno.
4. That has the same success rate as redirection. Sigh. The bottom lime with him is we wants to know you are listening to him.
5. I do like the idea of putting "bad boy" on the banned words list. I will start that today. Maybe any "putting yourself down" talk should be banned? We can work on teaching him other ways to express his doubts.
The Christmas List rules were always 'Santa doesn't get everything on your list" and "mom, dad, grandma etc will also look at it". It worked fine the year before, but last year he lost it when he only ended up with 5 things off an original list of 20 (he go maybe 10-11 presents total from all sources). He understood he wasn't going to get 20 things, but he thought more of what he did get would be off that list, and it wasn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain
There are some great suggestion here. I thought I'd also toss out the idea of validating the feeling (since feelings are always valid) without validating the content of DS's concern. This way you can side-step the "never," "always," "for all time" parts of DS's statements that aren't factually accurate (but that he's in no place to hear about when he's distressed). For example, I can see you feel sad/scared that you won't find your toy. It's ok to feel sad/scared sometimes. I wonder how we can solve this problem....(and then move into brainstorming different ways to look for the toy).
Sometimes, humans "freak out" emotionally and escalate our emotional responding when we feel like no one understands why we're so distressed. By validating the feeling, it can disrupt the escalating emotional response and give some space for initiating problem solving. This may not at all be applicable in your situation and if there's something else going on that is causing the intense emotional response, this won't work. But I thought it was worth mentioning if the other things don't work out. It's a handy skill for teaching kids in general how to separate out emotion from content and learn how to self-regulate, which is a long-term developmental goal.
I LOVE this. Right now our focus has been on getting him to see his view of a situation is too extreme and then trying to walk him through solving the problem himself. But, a lot of the resistance does seem to come from his concept that we are not listening to him. This method seems like it really could work in my son's case.
THANK YOU EVERYONE for taking the time to answer1 I really appreciate the help.
It's important to not try to fix everything for them. If he loses a toy that he thinks he'll never see again, don't go looking for it. No good can come from becoming codependent.
When they imagine the worst, help them accept the worst and learn to live with it. As in what's the worst that can happen? "Yeah, it's sure sad to lose a toy. But life goes on. Oh, well." (Of course, don't say "life goes on" to a young child but say something appropriate to the moment like "but we still need to clean up" or "but we still need to do X.") Life isn't easy. If they can't be optimistic about it, they need to learn how to accept it at the very least.
Or turn the drama into a natural consequences learning experience. "If you lose your toy and you never see it again, maybe you'll keep better track of your toys." This and the previous are all in the "oh well" downplaying type response.
Or remind them of times things did work out. This is appropriately used when trying to inspire them into some sort of action they are avoiding.
And I agree with hypocore that poor behavior shouldn't be accepted simply because they are wound up in negative emotions. Don't feed into the drama. Ignore when appropriate.
You really can't turn a pessimist into an optimist, but you can help a pessimist learn to tollerate their own view of the world.
I used a combination of things for my dramatic DD. When the world was ending because she couldn't find her toy, I would jump right in with my own dramatic problem. "Oh NO! My drink is 3" away from my hand. I will never get to have a drink ever again. I am going to be thristy forever!" I would make sure it was over the top and as dramatic as possible about the silliest things that I would never even think about (drink being 3" away) that she could help me fix. She would usually look really confused, walk over and put the drink in my hand. I would thank her and then say "that was kind of silly wasn't it. Getting so worried about something so little." Fixing my problem would usually snap her out of it and she would pull herself together and ask for my help.
LMAO! I love that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
When they imagine the worst, help them accept the worst and learn to live with it. As in what's the worst that can happen? "Yeah, it's sure sad to lose a toy. But life goes on. Oh, well." (Of course, don't say "life goes on" to a young child but say something appropriate to the moment like "but we still need to clean up" or "but we still need to do X.") Life isn't easy. If they can't be optimistic about it, they need to learn how to accept it at the very least.
Or turn the drama into a natural consequences learning experience. "If you lose your toy and you never see it again, maybe you'll keep better track of your toys." This and the previous are all in the "oh well" downplaying type response.
Or remind them of times things did work out. This is appropriately used when trying to inspire them into some sort of action they are avoiding.
You really can't turn a pessimist into an optimist, but you can help a pessimist learn to tollerate their own view of the world.
Downplaying was the first thing we tried, and it just made him scream louder! LOL!
Not to go off on a tangent, but the Santa thing reminds me of when my nephew cried all day on Christmas because he didn't get the one thing he wanted from Santa.
Of course, he never told his parents what that was because "Santa knows".
Maybe this year, limit the list he writes to 8-10 things...make it more manageable, ya know?
2. Naw, it's just that we only have dessert on weekends. House rule. This is sometimes his reaction when I say no in the middle of the week. It never works, so I don't know why he keeps doing it. LOL
Maybe he has trouble understanding when the weekend is. When he's asking in the middle of the week, he probably thinks it's the weekend since so many days passed since the last time he had dessert. If you could figure out a way for him to learn the difference between a weekday and a weekend, he'll probably handle hearing no better. Maybe instead of just saying "No. Dessert is on the weekend," tell him how many more days until the weekend. He's not too young to start understanding a calendar. I know many children his age who mark events on calendars and X off the days. Maybe that will help. You'll have to help him put the events on---draw little pictures in additon to the words if he can't read. Each night, make marking the X part of the bedtime routine.
Maybe he has trouble understanding when the weekend is. When he's asking in the middle of the week, he probably thinks it's the weekend since so many days passed since the last time he had dessert.
He learned the days of the week/calenders in preschool and has his own calender by his bed. I will tell him "not until Friday" or "in 2 days" or whatever, and he insists "THAT'S TOO LONG AND HE'LL NEVER HAVE DESSERT AGAIN"... at which point I tell him to cut it out. Then he accuses me of not understanding that he wants dessert NOW. Then I tell him I understand him fine, he's just not getting it, and one more word will get him in trouble. Then he runs off crying into another room. Every week. Like clockwork. I'm trying to be patient because of the move. But I want to kill him. Heh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
There's your answer. Your giving him attention is definitely part of the problem if he gets worse without the attention.
Of course it will get worse at first. There's never an easy way to break drama queens.
That very well may be true. I keep feeling that he's stressed out because he really doesn't like change and he's leaving all is friends behind, so I should not jump in his ass so hard right now. I mean he was weepy pessimist before, but now even dessert is cause for dismay when it never was before. I'm like... really kid? Mommy is not going for it. LOL So things like dessert I will not cave on but I try not to punish him over his over-emotional (bratty) reaction, and things like freaking out over losing toys/mis-spelling a word/missing a favorite TV show/whatever I try to help him calm down and figure out how he's going to solve his problem. I was thinking if he didn't get himself together on the other side I would get stricter about it all, but maybe in some ways that is hurting rather than helping. Maybe I should go ahead and get tougher on the brattier stuff now rather than assuming he'll get back to normal once the move is over.
1. We have tried redirection, with mixed results. Sometimes it works, but often he just keeps going back to the original point, then getting frustrated and saying "You're not listening to me! You don't understand me!"
2. Naw, it's just that we only have dessert on weekends. House rule. This is sometimes his reaction when I say no in the middle of the week. It never works, so I don't know why he keeps doing it. LOL
3. "Stupid" isn't allowed in our house either. I think he pulls it out to get a rise out of me. This used to be a MUCH bigger problem, but it is one of the few things he's gotten better about. It took us a solid 8 months to convince him he was not dumb. The irony is, he's always been one of the smartest kids in class but he went through a phase where he kept comparing himself to his older sister. Plus she felt the need to constantly point out every time he was wrong about something, so we had to put a stop to that. He's better now, he only does it when he's frustrated about a particular lesson. I want him to stop freaking out entirely though. I'm not sure I'm going to get that anytime soon. Perhaps it is a confidence issue? I dunno.
4. That has the same success rate as redirection. Sigh. The bottom lime with him is we wants to know you are listening to him.
5. I do like the idea of putting "bad boy" on the banned words list. I will start that today. Maybe any "putting yourself down" talk should be banned? We can work on teaching him other ways to express his doubts.
The Christmas List rules were always 'Santa doesn't get everything on your list" and "mom, dad, grandma etc will also look at it". It worked fine the year before, but last year he lost it when he only ended up with 5 things off an original list of 20 (he go maybe 10-11 presents total from all sources). He understood he wasn't going to get 20 things, but he thought more of what he did get would be off that list, and it wasn't.
1. Make notes of when it works and keep using it in those instances. The times it didn't work, try a different type of re-direction. If trying to be silly didn't work, try being very serious. If whatever you are trying doesn't seem to be working, then simply get him to do something else and come back to that later.
2. This one is easy. put the answer back on him. You are not telling him no, he is. :-) Or, you can avoid it altogether by giving him a 'dessert' each day like one chocolate chip, one marshmallow, one mini cookie or better yet teach him that many fruits are desserts.....strawberries, cherries, watermelon..etc
3. It might be more that using that word gets your attention and as you've posted he definitely wants your attention so he will use whatever it takes. If he starts again with the I'm stupid or I'm bad, just walk away. He will indeed learn that if he says those things that you will not give him any attention.
4. If you are consistent and use a non-emotional tone in replying that you will not listen to him while he is acting that way and walk off, put yourself in a time out so-to-say, he will indeed stop at some point. If you do this yet then go to him because he has escalated in his drama, then you lost what ever progress you had made. If you cannot hold up the end of walking away and not buying into his way, then go the opposite and hold him close and tight and tell him over and over that you cannot listen to him until he stops.
5. You might consider limiting the list to 3 things with a reason behind it. If you are celebrating in a religious matter the 3 things could represent the 3 wise men. If you don't then the 3 things could represent the past, the present and the future. Or they could represent a need, a want and a dream. If you do that, though, you must make sure he gets those 3 things!
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