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Old 10-21-2011, 06:21 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,696,117 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
I don't think most parents feel this way, but it is heartbreaking to know that there are some people who view life as a series of money making opportunities broken up by the monotony of childcare.
I agree. I don't think most parents feel this way and I don't think that their children are the only ones they view this way.

 
Old 10-21-2011, 06:32 AM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,838,003 times
Reputation: 12273
Quote:
Originally Posted by UNC4Me View Post
If any parent feels this way I feel sad for them. For me, time with my daughters could never be replaced with money. And what some people don't realize is that kids grow up and move away. It's never going to be easier (or cheaper) to spend time with them than when they still live under your roof!

Neither one of my DDs live where I do () so I am still making the Time vs. Money decision on a regular basis. I would rather spend money on gas, plane tickets and hotels and spend time with my kids than put more money in my bank account. And I will NEVER regret that choice.
I am feeling this now that my son is in his senior year. All the schools he is considering are out of state. He will be gone in the next year. This is not the time for me to start working FT.

I am enjoying his transition to adulthood. It is fascinating to get glimpses of the adult he will become. I would not want to miss this time of his life. Yesterday he had an interview in the morning. He took the morning off from school and we had lunch together and talked about the interview. I can never get these years back.

It is terribly important to be there for kids even when they are old enough to fend for themselves. Parents who view time spent with kids as lost opportunities to make money will never really be able to be there for their kids. This is not a work/at home issue because parents can be emotionally available to their kids. It is more of a philosophical issue.

My mother worked when I was a child yet she was always "available" for us when we needed her. She made sure she and my father attended some of our games, concerts, shows, recitals, etc....We understood that there were times that our parents could not be there but knowing that they WANTED to come to our things was really important to us. I am 46 years old and my father STILL buys a ticket to my concerts and I STILL love that he is there for me. He doesn't have to be there every second of every day but he is there.
 
Old 10-21-2011, 07:13 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,696,117 times
Reputation: 19539
I'm often curious about parents who don't make time for their kids. Did they ever hear the song "The Cat's in the Cradle"? It's ironic, just how very true that song can be. Mind you, the part about "I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you.....I'm gonna be like him, yeah, you know I'm gonna be like him".... is kind of optional in a way. I've met many kids who do not turn out like their parents and in fact, turn out to be polar opposites.

What I have seen, over and over again, in families where the parents are not truly interested in spending time with their kids, and/or choose work or other things over them, is that their kids eventually pick up the same habits. Obviously not ALWAYS, but more often than not, once those children reach a certain age, they no longer find it worth the effort.

I've seen many, many times, even on these boards, where adults say, "My mom/dad has just never been there for me. It's like they've always been so self-absorbed, with their jobs/friends/alcohol/hobbies, that they've never had time for me. I gave up. I've learned not to need them and I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm nothing more than a distraction for them. I'm done.".

Here's the flip side now.... I've spent quite a few years, with literally hundreds of senior citizens. I've SEEN, firsthand, how this all plays out in the end. You don't just get involved with your "patient", but their families as well. You become an innocent bystander, who gets both sides of the stories and sees the repurcussions for people's mistakes. Oh, it's really easy to blame those kids who don't visit their elderly parents, until you find out that the parent was never there for their child...never truly connected with them. People shut off their feelings for someone if they're never reciprocated and are made to feel unloved and unwanted. How can you feel guilty about seeing someone you feel NOTHING for. It's our "parenting" and our love, that can make a huge difference in how our children relate to us later.

If you constantly drum into a child that a successful, high-paying career and a high SES status are the most important things in life..... if you demonstrate to your children that money and status are the most important things in life....you may find yourself being way, way down on their totem pole. They're NOT going to have time for you. If they do, "you'll think them weak and unsuccessful". They're going to be so busy with their own lives and careers, so busy trying to be everything that you FORCE fed them, as the only acceptable way to be...that they will not only not have time for you, but they won't feel the least bit guilty about it either!

Why would they? YOU are the one who showed them that THIS is the way to be. YOU are the one who demonstrated the unimportance of relationship and family. You are the one who said, "Money over family! I'm doing this for your own good! There is time for family later!" The truth is, if you don't make time for family when they're young, they're not going to make time for family later. They will feel no need. Many of them will establish their own families and that tight little family unit, will be the only one they have time for. If you're lucky, you won't have to suffer with watching them make the same mistakes that you did....continuing that chain of pain and rejection for their own children.

You really only have one shot at establishing a great relationship with your kids. Raise your children the way you want your grandchildren to be raised. Think ahead, long and carefully. You're contributing far more to your child's future than you think you are. Good AND bad...and it's likely going to come back and bite you in the a$$ if you're not careful.
 
Old 10-21-2011, 07:29 AM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,201,121 times
Reputation: 16664
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
I'm often curious about parents who don't make time for their kids. Did they ever hear the song "The Cat's in the Cradle"? It's ironic, just how very true that song can be. Mind you, the part about "I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you.....I'm gonna be like him, yeah, you know I'm gonna be like him".... is kind of optional in a way. I've met many kids who do not turn out like their parents and in fact, turn out to be polar opposites.

What I have seen, over and over again, in families where the parents are not truly interested in spending time with their kids, and/or choose work or other things over them, is that their kids eventually pick up the same habits. Obviously not ALWAYS, but more often than not, once those children reach a certain age, they no longer find it worth the effort.

I've seen many, many times, even on these boards, where adults say, "My mom/dad has just never been there for me. It's like they've always been so self-absorbed, with their jobs/friends/alcohol/hobbies, that they've never had time for me. I gave up. I've learned not to need them and I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm nothing more than a distraction for them. I'm done.".

Here's the flip side now.... I've spent quite a few years, with literally hundreds of senior citizens. I've SEEN, firsthand, how this all plays out in the end. You don't just get involved with your "patient", but their families as well. You become an innocent bystander, who gets both sides of the stories and sees the repurcussions for people's mistakes. Oh, it's really easy to blame those kids who don't visit their elderly parents, until you find out that the parent was never there for their child...never truly connected with them. People shut off their feelings for someone if they're never reciprocated and are made to feel unloved and unwanted. How can you feel guilty about seeing someone you feel NOTHING for. It's our "parenting" and our love, that can make a huge difference in how our children relate to us later.

If you constantly drum into a child that a successful, high-paying career and a high SES status are the most important things in life..... if you demonstrate to your children that money and status are the most important things in life....you may find yourself being way, way down on their totem pole. They're NOT going to have time for you. If they do, "you'll think them weak and unsuccessful". They're going to be so busy with their own lives and careers, so busy trying to be everything that you FORCE fed them, as the only acceptable way to be...that they will not only not have time for you, but they won't feel the least bit guilty about it either!

Why would they? YOU are the one who showed them that THIS is the way to be. YOU are the one who demonstrated the unimportance of relationship and family. You are the one who said, "Money over family! I'm doing this for your own good! There is time for family later!" The truth is, if you don't make time for family when they're young, they're not going to make time for family later. They will feel no need. Many of them will establish their own families and that tight little family unit, will be the only one they have time for. If you're lucky, you won't have to suffer with watching them make the same mistakes that you did....continuing that chain of pain and rejection for their own children.

You really only have one shot at establishing a great relationship with your kids. Raise your children the way you want your grandchildren to be raised. Think ahead, long and carefully. You're contributing far more to your child's future than you think you are. Good AND bad...and it's likely going to come back and bite you in the a$$ if you're not careful.
I wish I could hug you right now. This is such a great post.

I'm dealing with the elderly family member dilemma right now. Not my parents, but my grandparents. There are some in my family who believe my siblings and I should be spending time and caring for the grandparents. That it is our family duty and "it's so sad when family doesn't care for one another".

Of course, these grandparents were never there for us growing up. We rarely saw them. They would avoid opportunities to spend time with us and our parents. So, we grew up without them, without that connection.

I'm not bitter or angry. I just feel very little emotion for either of them. Kind of like how I'd feel about an old neighbor or something that I used to know. That's how they positioned themselves in our lives. So they shouldn't be angry when the seeds they planted grew into this.
 
Old 10-21-2011, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,696,117 times
Reputation: 19539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
I wish I could hug you right now. This is such a great post.

I'm dealing with the elderly family member dilemma right now. Not my parents, but my grandparents. There are some in my family who believe my siblings and I should be spending time and caring for the grandparents. That it is our family duty and "it's so sad when family doesn't care for one another".

Of course, these grandparents were never there for us growing up. We rarely saw them. They would avoid opportunities to spend time with us and our parents. So, we grew up without them, without that connection.

I'm not bitter or angry. I just feel very little emotion for either of them. Kind of like how I'd feel about an old neighbor or something that I used to know. That's how they positioned themselves in our lives. So they shouldn't be angry when the seeds they planted grew into this.

Exactly right, Mags! My gosh, my children are so much closer to a couple of our elderly friends/neighbors, than they ever were to most of their grandparents. I didn't have any relationship with my grandparents either. It wasn't just the rift between my parents and them, they were just extremely emotionally detached. When they died, it was kind of like **shrug**....oh, they're dead.....nothing more, no emotion, just they're gone.

Sadly, our kids' existing grandparents will pass in the same fashion, for most of my kids. I have one son who is pretty close to my mom, but not the other three. My kids feel nothing for my hubby's mom, because she has pretty much been nothing to them. Sadly, they've never initiated contact with their grandchildren, never made an attempt at having relationships with them, and never had time for them. Therefore, my kids feel no attachment to them.

Their paternal grandfather lived just a few blocks away, for 20 years. The kids and us would occasionally go see him, but always.....just nothing. He would just sit and watch his television programs, acting irritated that he was being disturbed. Eventually, the we and the kids quit trying. Of course, then we'd hear through the grapevine, just how hurt he was that his son and his grandkids lived right down the street and never even came to see him.

Incidentally, do you want to know the most frequently used statement I heard, from the lonliest senior citizens? "My kids are just ungrateful. I worked my fingers to the bone to put a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, clothes on their backs and give them things I never had. You'd think they'd make some time to come see their mother/father!" All in all, yeah, they provided the things for their children that the LAW required them to provide. They bred, had children, and think they deserved gratitude for feeding and housing the children they brought into this world, but did they LOVE them? Did they NURTURE them and make them feel wanted? My guess is, no.

Last edited by beachmel; 10-21-2011 at 08:08 AM..
 
Old 10-21-2011, 08:26 AM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,072,590 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
I wish I could hug you right now. This is such a great post.

I'm dealing with the elderly family member dilemma right now. Not my parents, but my grandparents. There are some in my family who believe my siblings and I should be spending time and caring for the grandparents. That it is our family duty and "it's so sad when family doesn't care for one another".

Of course, these grandparents were never there for us growing up. We rarely saw them. They would avoid opportunities to spend time with us and our parents. So, we grew up without them, without that connection.

I'm not bitter or angry. I just feel very little emotion for either of them. Kind of like how I'd feel about an old neighbor or something that I used to know. That's how they positioned themselves in our lives. So they shouldn't be angry when the seeds they planted grew into this.
I'm in a similar situation! I have a cousin who thinks I'm ignoring my ailing grandmother (I live out of state. She lives in town). what she doesn't realize is that she was grandma's favorite. She had a totally different relationship with her than I did.
 
Old 10-21-2011, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,696,117 times
Reputation: 19539
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
I'm in a similar situation! I have a cousin who thinks I'm ignoring my ailing grandmother (I live out of state. She lives in town). what she doesn't realize is that she was grandma's favorite. She had a totally different relationship with her than I did.
Interesting isn't it....how you reap what you sow? Your cousin enjoyed her status as "favorite", and yet doesn't like the repurcussions of her grandmother's choices.

We had a similar situation here. One of hubby's sisters and her kids held that position (favorites)...lived with and off of her father. He defended everything she and her kids did and put down anyone else who didn't defend her and take care of her constantly. When he started ailing, she expected everyone else to come and take care of her father....whom SHE was living with. When he died, she doled out some of his posessions to other siblings who'd come party and smoke weed with her. When his house finally sold (after her living there rent-free for 2 years)....and she was forcefully evicted, she expected everyone else to come and help her clean out the house and haul her crap to the dump. This is the woman that my FIL put everything into....and who he ended up with at the end of his life....the one he defended, until he lost nearly all of his other kids' love.

Last edited by beachmel; 10-21-2011 at 09:25 AM..
 
Old 10-21-2011, 09:18 AM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,072,590 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Interesting isn't it....how you reap what you sow? Your cousin enjoyed her status as "favorite", and yet doesn't like the repurcussions of her grandmother's choices.
Yep. My parents are actually doing a lot to care for my grandma right now. The cousin isn't upset that she is doing all the work (she's not), but that I don't feel the need to spend $2000 to fly our family out for Thanksgiving.
 
Old 10-21-2011, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,696,117 times
Reputation: 19539
Tell her that if it means that much to her, if her grandmother's feelings are that important to her, to send you a plane ticket and you'll gladly attend Thanksgiving dinner. I'd let her know that you hardly intend to spend $2000, just to make her look better!
 
Old 10-21-2011, 09:31 AM
 
11,411 posts, read 7,750,375 times
Reputation: 21922
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Did they ever hear the song "The Cat's in the Cradle"? It's ironic, just how very true that song can be.
Excellent point! That song is a cautionary tale to parents who value work and money over the relationship they are building with their kids.

In a semi-related note, there is a song whose lyrics pretty much sum up all I hope for my kids.

My Wish by Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

And now I'm .
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