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Old 10-24-2011, 05:36 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,141 posts, read 2,074,089 times
Reputation: 2363
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal View Post
It really depends so much on the child! Some kids are more compliant, and will accept a "because I said so" with no rancor; some will try to get around any restrictions behind their parent's back, some will rebel openly. I was "compliant" until I turned 18, then began drinking, using drugs, etc. I wasn't allowed to rebel or express myself at all - my mom thought I was such a good girl... and I WAS! But as soon as I was away from her control, I went wild.

I am my kids' friend! Not in a "hey, let's all do whatever we want" way, but in a supportive, listening, respecting way. I help create pathways for them to get what they want, not roadblocks to getting it. And they are both the most respectful, kind, thoughtful guys you could ever know. There's been no rebellion, because I take their wants seriously... as I would a friend.



I think it would be very harmful to one's relationship with their child if you could help them fix a mistake, but didn't, to impose some sort of lesson or "I told you so" on them. We all make mistakes - whether it be with hair, homework, recipes, boyfriend choice. I'd much rather help my kids fix their mistakes than be standoffish with an "I know much better than you" attitude. Our relationship is top priority for me - and guess what? So far, relationships are pretty high on my sons' lists, too. They wouldn't be if I wasn't willing to support their choices - even when I don't agree with them.

My son wanted to dye his hair red, blue, and green. The red turned out more pink. I helped him separate the colors and put more blue on the pink so it turned out purple - he now has green, blue and purple hair. I can't imagine what our relationship would look like if I had said, "Oh, too bad for you! You'll have to fix that, or live with it! I never wanted you to dye your hair!" Well - actually, I don't have to imagine it: I think it would be much like my relationship with my mom... very distant, and formal, with very little sharing of anything real.

I think the shaved head can be beautiful! But if it isn't, I hope the mom helps her daughter get it fixed, without a lecture or "I told you so".
Also true. The children personalities do vary and with some I say so may work. With others logic works, with others incentives work. I repeat what I just wrote to another one. The say so is just another option. When I give a suggestion I would think the reader has the common sense that if I do not say IT IS THE ONLY OPTION implies it is one of many. Also because you reacted with drugs does not mean all kids will react the same way. So it did not work with you, well, your parents misses it. Parenting is not an exact science. We all do as best as we can. Proposed solutions at times work and at times do not. Take care.
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,384 posts, read 2,870,375 times
Reputation: 2317
Quote:
Originally Posted by elamigo View Post
You can allow little by little for them to assert their individuality.

"Because I do not like it" is not a bad answer.

She is barely a teenager and if you go along with things like this they will get used to do what they want and later when you want to do your parenting they will not accept it.

Later in life many of those kids become rebelious because they are used to do whatever they want and once parents want to set limits it is to late.
What's wrong with kids asserting their individuality?
What's wrong with once you hit the age where it matters to you being able to choose your own hair-cut, choose your own style and choose your own make-up? Of course you aren't going to let your child dress like a prostitute but choosing between punk, goth, skater, prep, fashion forward should be up to the kid. I know someone will say that parents pay for the clothing but you can go into store, find the kids style and shop within the budget. You could have a preppy kid and give them a $200 budget for school clothes and a skater kid with the same budget and they could get the same amount of things, you can find affordable in any style.
Finding who you are as an individual is something I think is very important and it should start young, knowing who you are and confidence comes hand in hand and that shouldn't be something your start once you are out of your parents house.

"Because I do not like it" is a terrible answer, i'll reiterate this.
It may not be the only option but if you have a child who accepts "because I said so" or "because I don't like it" then I feel sorry for that child. People who just accept something at face value and don't question whether it really is the best option, or if it is really best for them they end up later in life going through life just doing what people tell them or doing what they think they're "suppose" to do.

For example, my roommate: Her mom was one of those people who controlled how she cut her hair, made her dye her hair blonder because her mom liked it better that way, she was controlled in EVERY aspect and was told the "because" answers all the time. She never questioned it, she just takes what people give her, even now that she is 18, she just accepts it.
Yesterday Verizon made a HUGE mistake, told us a Sept and Oct were never were paid (which they were) and that we owed $600, told her to talk to financial services and work out payments. She was going to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even though she and I had already paid those months. I had to push her to stand up for herself, to tell them no, excuse me this isn't right you can't do me this way. I made her pull up her bank statements to show it was paid and to get them to fix THEIR mistake. Finally today she took my advice and they fixed their mistake.

I ask why, I question things, I want to know why something should or shouldn't happen before I just blindly do something. I also don't just let things that happen to me that I don't want to happen, I fight for fairness in everything I do. I push back and I think its the best thing a person can do for themselves.

You know, why don't you like this hair cut? Why do you think it would be a bad thing? Ask questions, get answers.

There are so many things wrong with this sentence.
For starters, letting a child express themselves does not lead to them doing as they please as teenagers. Also you should be parenting all along, not when you try to parent later it doesn't work, no you parent all along.

If you have set house rules, expectations etc and you enforce them and they grow up that way they won't buck the system too much, no matter if you let them choose their own hair cuts and other stuff.

No later in life those kids who were allowed to choose their own style are usually compliant and individual teenagers and young adults with lots of confidence.
Those kids who are controlled and have little to no choice are the ones who rebel and go wild either in high school or college.

If you have no reason to rebel, you don't rebel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elamigo View Post
Also true. The children personalities do vary and with some I say so may work. With others logic works, with others incentives work. I repeat what I just wrote to another one. The say so is just another option. When I give a suggestion I would think the reader has the common sense that if I do not say IT IS THE ONLY OPTION implies it is one of many. Also because you reacted with drugs does not mean all kids will react the same way. So it did not work with you, well, your parents misses it. Parenting is not an exact science. We all do as best as we can. Proposed solutions at times work and at times do not. Take care.
The say so method is great if you want to raise someone who blindly does what they and told and never questions if something really is best for them.
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:26 PM
 
6,922 posts, read 7,982,850 times
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Txt, come on back when you grow up yourself and have raised some children, ok?
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
2,019 posts, read 1,400,823 times
Reputation: 2360
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
No later in life those kids who were allowed to choose their own style are usually compliant and individual teenagers and young adults with lots of confidence.
Those kids who are controlled and have little to no choice are the ones who rebel and go wild either in high school or college.

If you have no reason to rebel, you don't rebel.



The say so method is great if you want to raise someone who blindly does what they and told and never questions if something really is best for them.
I totally disagree with the above. If we went by that logic, any kid who went to a school with a dress code, (such as the private HS DD was considering going to nice jeans/khakis/dress pants, sweaters or collared shirts, hair a natural color, no piercings besides ears, etc.) would "rebel and go wild" in college. I can assure you, with 100% certainty, that the majority of kids at those schools have not done so later on in life.
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Denver area
16,713 posts, read 11,187,348 times
Reputation: 18260
I have no problem with the "because I don't like it" answer occasionally. Same with "because I said so". Sometimes that really is the answer. Every family has things that are unacceptable to them. For me and my family, hair was just not that big a deal on the whole, it was temporary enough that whatever bad choice they might have made was generally acceptable to me. I would much prefer to see odd hair than some clothing choices which were not going to be happening in my house and the reason was "because I think it looks trashy/inappropriate etc." OTOH, neither of my kids really ever went for what I would consider extreme fashion choices either. Well....except for that one time...and because it was hair, it was fixable (but it entailed some level of humiliation to fix it so there was a lesson learned ....)
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:38 PM
 
18,870 posts, read 13,558,709 times
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With teens, there is a time for parents to step in, and there is a time to let them make their own mistakes. I think that hair grows back, so give them some leeway here. And what is good about this particular thing, is that it is not permanent, and gives the kids some latitude to make their own choices. If they mess up, console them, and help them fix it. What is nice about this, is that then for future things that are a big deal, you have built up a trust and bond. And that can be huge with teens. A teen that thinks a parent will always shut them down, and control them, won't be open to discussing things with you.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:55 PM
 
Location: In Line For The E Ticket Ride
20,560 posts, read 10,960,550 times
Reputation: 21983
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Txt, come on back when you grow up yourself and have raised some children, ok?
This. Txt, while you are certainly entitled to your opinions you have an awful lot of "I will never" or "No child of mine" in your posts.

I find it kind of amusing that you are, at 22 and in your particular situation, (no children, living with a parent) so unyielding in your own opinions on what is the correct way to raise a child. Is this where I say, "Come back in 20 years and let us know how that worked out for you"?
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Old 10-25-2011, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,384 posts, read 2,870,375 times
Reputation: 2317
Having children is not going to change my mind.
Freedom of expression is important to me.
I don't believe in telling a hairy teenager she's not allowed to shave.
I don't believe in telling a girl of any age who's started their period already what she can and cannot bleed on during her period.
I don't believe in forcing someone into wearing a hair cut that they don't like and causes them to feel self conscious about themselves and that they have to look at and despise everyday.
I don't feel its right.
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Old 10-26-2011, 05:05 AM
 
9,835 posts, read 10,261,698 times
Reputation: 8714
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
Having children is not going to change my mind.
Freedom of expression is important to me.
I don't believe in telling a hairy teenager she's not allowed to shave.
I don't believe in telling a girl of any age who's started their period already what she can and cannot bleed on during her period.
I don't believe in forcing someone into wearing a hair cut that they don't like and causes them to feel self conscious about themselves and that they have to look at and despise everyday.
I don't feel its right.
You may feel this way now, and you are certainly entitled to your opinion. However, your feelings may change when your own child is involved. Please allow yourself to be open to the idea that you may change your mind some day.

I happen to agree about the hair. It's hair. It will grow back.
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Old 10-27-2011, 02:50 AM
 
Location: Unknown. Where am I? Am I lost?
5,384 posts, read 2,870,375 times
Reputation: 2317
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
You may feel this way now, and you are certainly entitled to your opinion. However, your feelings may change when your own child is involved. Please allow yourself to be open to the idea that you may change your mind some day.

I happen to agree about the hair. It's hair. It will grow back.
Those are things I would never go back on.
I know it for sure.

Maybe things like when they start driving or when they can have a computer in their room but never stuff like personal hygiene or personal style.
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