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Old 11-02-2011, 08:27 PM
 
Location: You know... That place
1,899 posts, read 1,331,431 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elamigo View Post
I know you were on the thread about the question from a mom about her daughter wanting to shave part of her head.

I did not see all the responses but I will respond since you quoted "Because I said so" point I used in one of my replies.

I will go under the assumption you are referring to one of my postings. Correct me if I am wrong with my assumption.
If I am correct then I believe you twisted or spinned what I and others said. I specifically refer when you wrote above "I have noticed in several threads that some people seem to think that explaining things to a child or reasoning with them is a bad idea". Can you quote any of us on that thread where we said it was a bad idea to explain things? Well, maybe why not quote ME as saying that?
It seems to me that you did not like what I and others may have said and now portray that in a negative light and giving people in this forum a wrong perception of what I and others said.

That being said I now respond to your OP point briefly but I suggest you and other readers in this thread go to that thread and at least see my responses that will show that at least I never said explaining a bad idea.

Now, explainging things to kids is not a bad idea. However, it is not the only option that works all the time. In parenting there is no such thing as a cookie cutter solution in handling kids.
They vary in personality, age, gender, etc. Explaining to a kids can work to a kid and the next day it may not and the same the other way around. The "Because I said so" may work with the same kids on one day and not the same day.
There are different tactics parents use to handle situations with kids. Parenting is not an exact science and situtations vary where different responses can vary also.

I do not believe one method works all the time, bottom line. I will not repeat some of the responses where I gave examples on some situtations. You and others in this thread are welcome my different responses. Take care.
I apologize if you thought I started this thread in response to one of your posts. I actually didn't have any specific poster in mind when I had posted this. In fact, I had my dad in mind when I posted most of my ideas and thoughts on the subject. My dad was a "because I said so" parent. Most of the time I had no idea why he was saying no, so I was left confused over many things. I had just seen that phrase several times over a couple of days and it inspired me to make the post. I was looking for honest feedback on why some people thought that "because I said so" was enough for kids.

I agree that all kids are different and need different parenting. I was really just curious about the subject. That probably has a lot to do with my dad's responses to kids. I honestly welcome all points of view on the subject.
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Old 11-03-2011, 06:41 AM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,459 posts, read 4,073,521 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I hear you. The way you put it the first time sounded dictatorial. Struck me as not what you meant.
Well...I can be (just ask the thirteen year olds). Just not as a matter of course.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:55 AM
 
10,151 posts, read 11,566,435 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
OK, there is no way the answer to the question is the same for a 2 year old as it is for a 10 year old, as it is for a 15 year old. I think we're having several different conversations here. FWIW the OP has a 6 yo, not a 15 yo.
My 15 year old was 6 once. He wasn't born 15. I think that the flexing of parental muscle is a powerful tool and should be used when necessary, regardless of the age of the child. Since it is such a powerful tool I think it should be used only when necessary. That is a philosophical parenting issue that does not really change with the age of the child.
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Old 11-04-2011, 03:13 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,191 posts, read 2,325,997 times
Reputation: 2408
Quote:
Originally Posted by num1baby View Post
I apologize if you thought I started this thread in response to one of your posts. I actually didn't have any specific poster in mind when I had posted this. In fact, I had my dad in mind when I posted most of my ideas and thoughts on the subject. My dad was a "because I said so" parent. Most of the time I had no idea why he was saying no, so I was left confused over many things. I had just seen that phrase several times over a couple of days and it inspired me to make the post. I was looking for honest feedback on why some people thought that "because I said so" was enough for kids.

I agree that all kids are different and need different parenting. I was really just curious about the subject. That probably has a lot to do with my dad's responses to kids. I honestly welcome all points of view on the subject.
Thanks for the response. Personnaly? Explaining is my first choice, BUT, I keep all other options depending how the situation develops.

When I was in the Army and in my present job my approach has been of explaining to subordinates. You know what? I was, quite often I may say, told by my superiors that my approach however noble it may be is one that often leads to so many problems. When you explain to people all the time and make it your most common tactic in time people, just as children tend to get used to it and expect you to be that way all the time. When you deviate from it, they then accuse you of not listening. That is the irony of the whole thing. It is in me to explain to people and children my decisions but in time I have had to change tactics because people do expect that all the time and do use it against you. Often when you sit down and explain people do twist things on with somebody else whether it is superior or an complaint office. So there is the bad part of trying to be nice with people. Children do the same when you explain to much and use the Mom against Dad approach. Take care.
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Old 11-04-2011, 03:55 PM
Status: "60th anniversary of the polio vaccine! Hail to Pitt!" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
70,066 posts, read 60,674,394 times
Reputation: 20204
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
My 15 year old was 6 once. He wasn't born 15. I think that the flexing of parental muscle is a powerful tool and should be used when necessary, regardless of the age of the child. Since it is such a powerful tool I think it should be used only when necessary. That is a philosophical parenting issue that does not really change with the age of the child.
I do think a 15 year old can handle a more detailed explanation than a six year old. While you can explain the dangers to a 15 year old and s/he might get it, the response to a six year old might better be "it's dangerous". If s/he persists, I think "because I said so" is completely appropriate. For the 15 year old who responds "No, it's not dangerous", or "It's not *that* dangerous, the same response might be in order.
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Old 11-04-2011, 04:04 PM
 
Location: You know... That place
1,899 posts, read 1,331,431 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elamigo View Post
Thanks for the response. Personnaly? Explaining is my first choice, BUT, I keep all other options depending how the situation develops.

When I was in the Army and in my present job my approach has been of explaining to subordinates. You know what? I was, quite often I may say, told by my superiors that my approach however noble it may be is one that often leads to so many problems. When you explain to people all the time and make it your most common tactic in time people, just as children tend to get used to it and expect you to be that way all the time. When you deviate from it, they then accuse you of not listening. That is the irony of the whole thing. It is in me to explain to people and children my decisions but in time I have had to change tactics because people do expect that all the time and do use it against you. Often when you sit down and explain people do twist things on with somebody else whether it is superior or an complaint office. So there is the bad part of trying to be nice with people. Children do the same when you explain to much and use the Mom against Dad approach. Take care.
I kind of agree with some of this, but in regards to the bolded I want to say that using "becaus I said so" too often also leads to kids thinking you are not listening to them and you have no good reason for your decisions. To them, when they hear that too much, all they hear is an automated message come out of Mom's mouth that has no meaning or caring behind it. JMHO.
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:56 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,191 posts, read 2,325,997 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by num1baby View Post
I kind of agree with some of this, but in regards to the bolded I want to say that using "becaus I said so" too often also leads to kids thinking you are not listening to them and you have no good reason for your decisions. To them, when they hear that too much, all they hear is an automated message come out of Mom's mouth that has no meaning or caring behind it. JMHO.
So often? How often is to much? How much is to much to listen to them all the time? There is where the problem lies. Again, parenting is not an exact science. Sometimes we may use listening so much that when you simply say no for whatever reason, they may want to know why. Sometimes the situation or the decision is to critical to make that there is not time to say why. At times it is a simple NO or if necessary "Because I said so". Granted, later you can get back with that child and explained to her why you had to give that asnwer. You may read a couple of examples in the other thread if you wish to.
People will take what you said as not listening whether you listen or not. Let me give you an example:
I have in my office wall a framed saying I came up with because of my observation in life at home with children, Soldiers, and now in my civilian job.
It says "Do not confuse listening with compliance". Very often I do tell anyone going to my office to read that and keep that in mind before they bring up their problem, issues, greavinces, etc.

Very often anyone whether it is a child or an adult when they bring an issue will take your response differently.
Very often I have listened to what they say. If I decide my decision stands after I listened they do not like it. What they do? They go out there with their peers, friends, etc. and tell they that I do not listen. In reality they are saying "He did not do what I wanted to do" or "He did not do things the way I wanted". Their friends then spread the rummor that elamigo does not listen when in reality they did not like your decision.
So to say that listening all the time as you espouse does not prevent them from accusing you of not being a listener. Take care.
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:58 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,191 posts, read 2,325,997 times
Reputation: 2408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
I do think a 15 year old can handle a more detailed explanation than a six year old. While you can explain the dangers to a 15 year old and s/he might get it, the response to a six year old might better be "it's dangerous". If s/he persists, I think "because I said so" is completely appropriate. For the 15 year old who responds "No, it's not dangerous", or "It's not *that* dangerous, the same response might be in order.
Good examples. It seems people look at black and white on this. It is more than that. You showed exactly what I mean that situations, age, etc. are the indicators for a parent to decide when response to use. Take care.
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Old 11-04-2011, 07:04 PM
 
Location: You know... That place
1,899 posts, read 1,331,431 times
Reputation: 2025
Quote:
Originally Posted by elamigo View Post
So often? How often is to much? How much is to much to listen to them all the time? There is where the problem lies. Again, parenting is not an exact science. Sometimes we may use listening so much that when you simply say no for whatever reason, they may want to know why. Sometimes the situation or the decision is to critical to make that there is not time to say why. At times it is a simple NO or if necessary "Because I said so". Granted, later you can get back with that child and explained to her why you had to give that asnwer. You may read a couple of examples in the other thread if you wish to.
People will take what you said as not listening whether you listen or not. Let me give you an example:
I have in my office wall a framed saying I came up with because of my observation in life at home with children, Soldiers, and now in my civilian job.
It says "Do not confuse listening with compliance". Very often I do tell anyone going to my office to read that and keep that in mind before they bring up their problem, issues, greavinces, etc.

Very often anyone whether it is a child or an adult when they bring an issue will take your response differently.
Very often I have listened to what they say. If I decide my decision stands after I listened they do not like it. What they do? They go out there with their peers, friends, etc. and tell they that I do not listen. In reality they are saying "He did not do what I wanted to do" or "He did not do things the way I wanted". Their friends then spread the rummor that elamigo does not listen when in reality they did not like your decision.
So to say that listening all the time as you espouse does not prevent them from accusing you of not being a listener. Take care.
I agree that there is a limit and each child is different. There is a fine line between listening/explaining and overindulging. You just have to know that limit with whoever you are dealing with. All kids are different just like all adults are different. I have said that I have used "because I said so" when DD pushes too far. I do think that "because I cais so" has its place. My main concern/question is about the people who use "because I said so" as their first answer most of the time. I actually do know people like that.
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Old 11-05-2011, 10:50 AM
 
Location: here
17,028 posts, read 14,549,044 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
My 15 year old was 6 once. He wasn't born 15. I think that the flexing of parental muscle is a powerful tool and should be used when necessary, regardless of the age of the child. Since it is such a powerful tool I think it should be used only when necessary. That is a philosophical parenting issue that does not really change with the age of the child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana View Post
I do think a 15 year old can handle a more detailed explanation than a six year old. While you can explain the dangers to a 15 year old and s/he might get it, the response to a six year old might better be "it's dangerous". If s/he persists, I think "because I said so" is completely appropriate. For the 15 year old who responds "No, it's not dangerous", or "It's not *that* dangerous, the same response might be in order.
I agree, Kat. It should change with the age of the child. A toddler doesn't understand the "why" of most things. Although a simple explanation could be given, I don't think it is necessary in all cases. A 15 year old needs to understand the "why". Soon, he will be out making all decisions on his own. That's part of growing up.
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