No Father in the picture... by choice (divorce, baby, pregnant)

[Elmonellie]

Well, call me judgemental. Everyone judges everyone else....from the clothes they wear to the job they have to how they treat others. I find this woman to be a selfish dope. She isn't even able to take care of herself on her own...She lives with her Mommy at age 30! Plus, I feel for the kid. Perhaps HE deserves to have a father in his life. Guess her pathetic neediness trumps that. Why do I have a feeling that she will be looking for lots of "understanding" from society (in the way of handouts or sluffing off her job duties onto co-workers) because "I'm a SINGLE MOM"! I'm judging the behavior and I think everyone else should give her hell for being such a SELFISH FOOL.

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by BerkeleyCali

I can see why you would be concerned for her and the unborn child if she is not ready. Maybe I reacted hastily to your post, but I assumed you were generalizing, not just referring to her.

In regards to the statement, "If I don't get married at a certain age, I'm going to have a baby on my own...". Well, she did it and now she doesn't want the father involved (her choice). Am I being old fashioned? " I guess I feel it is important not to judge people (in general) because that is their choice and they will learn/deal as they live with their choices.

No doubt though, it is going to be a tough road ahead for anyone raising a child without a lot of support.

Well, I was looking for a different perspective so I cast the net out wide - so it sounds like I'm generalizing but it's specific to her (my prego relative). I'm trying to see where she is coming from. I'm having a hard time with how the father was disregarded on purpose. No sperm bank involved. Doesn't he have the right to know his child? I'm just thinking in terms of the child... how is this going to effect him/her and if I'm crazy for thinking that maybe she was wrong for banning this guy from her life. In that regard, I can't help but be judgemental.

[Hatless Wonder]

One of my aunts is a single Mom by choice. Her father (my grandfather) was a deadbeat. She has a good job and her own house. She wanted a family, but Mr. Right never came along. She adopted a baby girl 20 months ago. Her daughter has some good role models (she adores my cousin's husband), and they're all doing fine.

To each their own.

[BerkeleyCali]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

Well, I was looking for a different perspective so I cast the net out wide - so it sounds like I'm generalizing but it's specific to her (my prego relative). I'm trying to see where she is coming from. I'm having a hard time with how the father was disregarded on purpose. No sperm bank involved. Doesn't he have the right to know his child? I'm just thinking in terms of the child... how is this going to effect him/her and if I'm crazy for thinking that maybe she was wrong for banning this guy from her life. In that regard, I can't help but be judgemental.

"Doesn't he have the right to know his child?" That is a good question, and the answer is yes he does, if however he chooses to exercise that right. 1. If he has knowledge of the child 2. if he goes through the court (assuming she refuses his right). Unfortunately not all parents understand their rights and/or do something about them. If a parent chooses not to pursue a relationship with the child, then we have to wonder if *that* is in itself better for the child (not to have a relationship with someone that does not care for them and fight for them).

I will admit that I am judgmental of judgment, if that makes sense. I just think it is too easy to point fingers or assume that one way of doing something it superior to another. Sadly, it does not sound like your relative is able to have healthy & strong relationships in her life. If that means that she will be an "unfit" mother is not up to me (or anyone out there) to decide.

While it may be a more ideal situation for children to have a 2-parent family, they can still thrive with the love of one happy parent. I hope she can find the support she needs to get through this and give the child what he/she needs. I think at that point we can better "judge" if her choice was the right one ... after the fact.

[jeannie216]

Hum....my questions are, did she get herself pregnant purposely, or was just irresponsible? Does the biological father know? Does he want involvement? Has he made it apparent that he doesn't want to be included? Jeannie

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by jeannie216

Hum....my questions are, did she get herself pregnant purposely, or was just irresponsible? Does the biological father know? Does he want involvement? Has he made it apparent that he doesn't want to be included? Jeannie

She became pregnant on purpose (I say this because it was repeated, unprotected but it's okay because "I'm on the pill" - but not really - type relationship). She felt she was getting "old" (she'll be 31 in a few months). She wanted to have kids a couple of years ago and felt her biological clock ticking at 28 (which I knew about but thought she wasn't serious). The biological father does know but she has made it clear to him that she does not want him involved... AT ALL. She had every intention of cutting him off after she became pregnant and she wasn't even going to tell him about it but he found out through her sister (who thinks he should be given a chance). Which is why I'm here... on this post... wondering how someone could cut a father off when he's willing to be one.

[jeannie216]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

She became pregnant on purpose (I say this because it was repeated, unprotected but it's okay because "I'm on the pill" - but not really - type relationship). She felt she was getting "old" (she'll be 31 in a few months). She wanted to have kids a couple of years ago and felt her biological clock ticking at 28 (which I knew about but thought she wasn't serious). The biological father does know but she has made it clear to him that she does not want him involved... AT ALL. She had every intention of cutting him off after she became pregnant and she wasn't even going to tell him about it but he found out through her sister (who thinks he should be given a chance). Which is why I'm here... on this post... wondering how someone could cut a father off when he's willing to be one.

Well, now that I understand all the facts.....If I was feeling the way she does, biological clock and all, I certainly may consider bringing up a child on my own.....I LOVE being a mother, and could not imagine what it would be like to not have children....BUT, the way she has gone about it, I certainly don't agree with....I just hope the father to be takes action and finds out his rights.....if he has good intentions concerning the child.....Jeannie

[saralee]

mommabear,

I didn't understand the entire picture as originally presented. This is a very different scenario then the one I previously commented on. I don't think children raised in single parent homes are necessairly doomed. I don't believe all men or women who make the choice to become single parents are making a mistake.

Your relative, however, is presenting as a tragic situation. Without commenting too much on her mindset, if Dad is truly interested in participating in this child's life, I hope he has the balls to follow through and take whatever legal measures required to make her comply. He does has options and it's never too early to begin investigating what they are.

Hopefully, he has someone knowledgable advising him too. With any luck, your relative will get her wake-up call, without too much trauma to the child.

I do, however, stand by my original comments that I hope you are able to set aside your personal feelings and make any possible effort to enrich this child's life. Sometimes all it takes is one interested person to keep a soul afloat. I'm glad I had many. My mother really could not have done it alone and thankfully, she didn't have to.


Good luck to all involved.

Sara

[mommabear2]

Sara, thank you for your thoughtful comments.

My first impression about this whole thing was that there are others out there that believe fathers are obsolete - so I presented the post in a way that would speak to the reader on whether this was true. Would they have children willing without a father (like my relative) and/or what do people think about it? I asked because I know that I am biased. I told myself - before I met my husband - that if I didn't meet anyone worth marrying that I would be childless/single and I would be okay with that. The thought never even crossed my mind to have children with no father (though I might have changed my mind).

I have not weighed in on this with the family as I was too shocked and confused to speak rationally. I really wanted to pull an Elmonllie (previous post) and iron her out. But... I wanted to see what others had to say first. So now that I know that it is possible that this child has a chance... it's easier to accept but I'm not thrilled about it.

You have a good point - my extended family, with all their faults, are very supportive and loving and though they do not take the place of a father I know that we can keep the child's "soul afloat" as you said.

Thank you for your comments

[115db]

Sometimes the single mother thing happens. But what really counts is how responsible she is, as a mother.
Women need to be more selective in men, in general, too many times she ends up pregnant and he runs like theres a 3-alarm fire, even if theyve been living together. Then shes stuck with the responsibility on her own. And then there are those who are very selective and dont want to have 'just anyone' get involved with the baby. There could be different reasons for this.
But, there are schools where they offer daycare for the kids, programs where she can still work part time and do school part time, youd be surprised what there is out there to help her get on her feet and on her own, out of mommys house. My daughter was an example of the single mom class. She got pregnant, the guy took off, she stayed working, had her own place AND qualified for section 8, medical, a little boost from the state, and was doing very well. It really all depends on just 'how' determined your friend is, to be independent, but for a kid not to have a daddy figure in their lives isnt uncommon.