No Father in the picture... by choice (infant, pregnancy, single parent)

[TravisW]

I don't know how many male perspectives have been offered here, but...

If I was 30, living with my dad, going to school, working a low-paying job, purposefully got a woman pregnant, and after the baby was born told her that I wanted her to have nothing to do with the child; I would fully expect every decent person I know to throw rocks and sticks at me. This is at best an example of really bad judgement.

[Elmonellie]

Originally Posted by TravisW

I don't know how many male perspectives have been offered here, but...

If I was 30, living with my dad, going to school, working a low-paying job, purposefully got a woman pregnant, and after the baby was born told her that I wanted her to have nothing to do with the child; I would fully expect every decent person I know to throw rocks and sticks at me. This is at best an example of really bad judgement.

Thank you for posting this. I sometimes feel as if I am living on a different planet regarding simple common sense.

[christina0001]

I don't think it's a big deal for a woman to choose to have a baby on her own. If I had never met the right guy, I might have done the same. However, the woman's choice to have a baby while she is still depending on her mother to care for her is completely irresponsible. She should have waited until she was entirely self-sufficient.

[think.reciprocity]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

I found out a relative of mine is pregnant with her first child. She is single, living with her mother, still in school (she's 30), and works at a not-so-great job. I am - to say the least - disappointed in her. It's not the fact that she's living w/ mom or still in school... it's the fact that she did this on purpose w/ the full intention of not having a father around for her child. She has always stated, "If I don't get married at a certain age, I'm going to have a baby on my own...". Well, she did it and now she doesn't want the father involved (her choice). Am I being old fashioned? She has no one to help her (her mom works full-time AND has health issues).

Mothers have children all the time on their own but for a variety of reasons such as the father is abusive, he doesn't want anything to do with the child, etc. They do it for the good of the child or not by choice.

What do people think about this scenarios? Would you have a child without a father or a significant other if you reached a certain age? Why/why not? Enlighten me. I'm all ears...


****Just to make myself clear - I'm not talking about widowed mothers, divorced women, or women who are single mothers through no fault of their own (the father is a creep, or whatever) or accidental pregnancies. My question is very specific - I'm curious about women who just want a man's sperm but no involvement and how do they compensate for this void.

I'm not the nicest person on this topic. For someone as liberal as I am - I sure have a hard stance on some topics - this being one of them.

First, as a direct response to your inquiry - I find this trend to be terribly selfish & upsetting. HER CHOICE - not the child's. Every child, by nature, wants to know both their father & mother. Okay, so I don't know what the best answer is for gay/lesbian parents - but, I still feel that the needs of the child come before the desires of the prospective parents. We need a good male & female role model - period. No matter how good the mother or the father - they will never be the other.

But, on the issue as a whole I am equally as outraged. I say this as a woman who raised my son (who is now 19) on my own after divorcing when he was 3 1/2 years old. I got pregnant by "accident" & married one of the all-time sorriest excuses for a man/father in history. I really get tired of people making excuses for themselves. I was young & I was stupid. I thought I knew better. I actually chose this man to be the father of my son. All the signs were there & yet I still "accidently" got pregnant & continued the idiocy by marrying him.

I absolutely do not believe at all in "accidental" pregnancies - not in this country & not in this day & age. There is just no excuse for it. I knew better & I did it anyways - without protection or prevention. S.T.U.P.I.D.!

I denied my child the right to two willing & capable parents by choosing so poorly. I hate hearing women talk about how there was nothing they could do because "it was an accident" or talking badly about the father yet taking on no accountability at all for the fact that they chose those deadbeats. There are very few situations where the warning signs were not there. Men are not projects & children are not our possessions.

When you really care about children you will work your butt off to do everything within your power to provide the very best of all circumstances for your children. That includes having an active, loving, responsible, man of character in their lives.

Now, that's more than my 50 cents worth on this matter...

(btw... I do not mean to offend anyone - but, this is one of those - call it like I see it sorts of posts that just may not sit well with some folks)

[MonaLisaVito]

Originally Posted by think.reciprocity

I'm not the nicest person on this topic. For someone as liberal as I am - I sure have a hard stance on some topics - this being one of them.

First, as a direct response to your inquiry - I find this trend to be terribly selfish & upsetting. HER CHOICE - not the child's. Every child, by nature, wants to know both their father & mother. Okay, so I don't know what the best answer is for gay/lesbian parents - but, I still feel that the needs of the child come before the desires of the prospective parents. We need a good male & female role model - period. No matter how good the mother or the father - they will never be the other.

But, on the issue as a whole I am equally as outraged. I say this as a woman who raised my son (who is now 19) on my own after divorcing when he was 3 1/2 years old. I got pregnant by "accident" & married one of the all-time sorriest excuses for a man/father in history. I really get tired of people making excuses for themselves. I was young & I was stupid. I thought I knew better. I actually chose this man to be the father of my son. All the signs were there & yet I still "accidently" got pregnant & continued the idiocy by marrying him.

I absolutely do not believe at all in "accidental" pregnancies - not in this country & not in this day & age. There is just no excuse for it. I knew better & I did it anyways - without protection or prevention. S.T.U.P.I.D.!

I denied my child the right to two willing & capable parents by choosing so poorly. I hate hearing women talk about how there was nothing they could do because "it was an accident" or talking badly about the father yet taking on no accountability at all for the fact that they chose those deadbeats. There are very few situations where the warning signs were not there. Men are not projects & children are not our possessions.

When you really care about children you will work your butt off to do everything within your power to provide the very best of all circumstances for your children. That includes having an active, loving, responsible, man of character in their lives.

Now, that's more than my 50 cents worth on this matter...

(btw... I do not mean to offend anyone - but, this is one of those - call it like I see it sorts of posts that just may not sit well with some folks)

this is the best response I have seen on here

[Elmonellie]

Originally Posted by think.reciprocity

I'm not the nicest person on this topic. For someone as liberal as I am - I sure have a hard stance on some topics - this being one of them.

First, as a direct response to your inquiry - I find this trend to be terribly selfish & upsetting. HER CHOICE - not the child's. Every child, by nature, wants to know both their father & mother. Okay, so I don't know what the best answer is for gay/lesbian parents - but, I still feel that the needs of the child come before the desires of the prospective parents. We need a good male & female role model - period. No matter how good the mother or the father - they will never be the other.

But, on the issue as a whole I am equally as outraged. I say this as a woman who raised my son (who is now 19) on my own after divorcing when he was 3 1/2 years old. I got pregnant by "accident" & married one of the all-time sorriest excuses for a man/father in history. I really get tired of people making excuses for themselves. I was young & I was stupid. I thought I knew better. I actually chose this man to be the father of my son. All the signs were there & yet I still "accidently" got pregnant & continued the idiocy by marrying him.

I absolutely do not believe at all in "accidental" pregnancies - not in this country & not in this day & age. There is just no excuse for it. I knew better & I did it anyways - without protection or prevention. S.T.U.P.I.D.!

I denied my child the right to two willing & capable parents by choosing so poorly. I hate hearing women talk about how there was nothing they could do because "it was an accident" or talking badly about the father yet taking on no accountability at all for the fact that they chose those deadbeats. There are very few situations where the warning signs were not there. Men are not projects & children are not our possessions.

When you really care about children you will work your butt off to do everything within your power to provide the very best of all circumstances for your children. That includes having an active, loving, responsible, man of character in their lives.

Now, that's more than my 50 cents worth on this matter...

(btw... I do not mean to offend anyone - but, this is one of those - call it like I see it sorts of posts that just may not sit well with some folks)

Great post.

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by think.reciprocity

I'm not the nicest person on this topic. For someone as liberal as I am - I sure have a hard stance on some topics - this being one of them.

First, as a direct response to your inquiry - I find this trend to be terribly selfish & upsetting. HER CHOICE - not the child's. Every child, by nature, wants to know both their father & mother. Okay, so I don't know what the best answer is for gay/lesbian parents - but, I still feel that the needs of the child come before the desires of the prospective parents. We need a good male & female role model - period. No matter how good the mother or the father - they will never be the other.

But, on the issue as a whole I am equally as outraged. I say this as a woman who raised my son (who is now 19) on my own after divorcing when he was 3 1/2 years old. I got pregnant by "accident" & married one of the all-time sorriest excuses for a man/father in history. I really get tired of people making excuses for themselves. I was young & I was stupid. I thought I knew better. I actually chose this man to be the father of my son. All the signs were there & yet I still "accidently" got pregnant & continued the idiocy by marrying him.

I absolutely do not believe at all in "accidental" pregnancies - not in this country & not in this day & age. There is just no excuse for it. I knew better & I did it anyways - without protection or prevention. S.T.U.P.I.D.!

I denied my child the right to two willing & capable parents by choosing so poorly. I hate hearing women talk about how there was nothing they could do because "it was an accident" or talking badly about the father yet taking on no accountability at all for the fact that they chose those deadbeats. There are very few situations where the warning signs were not there. Men are not projects & children are not our possessions.

When you really care about children you will work your butt off to do everything within your power to provide the very best of all circumstances for your children. That includes having an active, loving, responsible, man of character in their lives.

Now, that's more than my 50 cents worth on this matter...

(btw... I do not mean to offend anyone - but, this is one of those - call it like I see it sorts of posts that just may not sit well with some folks)

That was such a good post I wanted to quote it again. Thank you for sharing your story - it takes a strong person to admit their mistakes and I'm sorry you were too young to recognize a sorry excuse for a man. Unfortunately you are not alone in that department.

I would hope from all these post that women would at least consider what you have said. I'm still a firm believer that picking the father of our children is one of the most important life decisions we can make but I realize that not everyone feels that way.

[think.reciprocity]

WOW, Thank you, everyone, for your comments (& those who gave me rep points too - I must admit I LOVE them & want more & more & more... lol)!

I guess I'm not very used to my opinion being so popular - especially when it is clearly a very strong one!

Cheers to all...

[Chinolala]

I find accidental pregnanices in this day and age suspect. I also think that single women should not have children. I think it's selfish. There are other alternatives to sooth the motherly instinct; volunteering at Big Sisters, becoming a Girl Scount leader, becoming a licensed foster care provider, etc. As the former poster said, we have to put our wants aside for the greater good of the child. Single women can play an important role in society by mentoring and supporting the children in this country that have already been born and need after school tutoring, a scout leader, a Sunday School Teacher, etc. There are many ways to enhance the lives of children without having our own children. Father and men in this country are becoming less and less valued. I have heard so many women say "I don't need a man in my life" etc. No, you don't need a man in your life, but leave it at that. Ideally, children deserve 2 parents. Sometimes through divorce and death, they lose a parent, but all children should have the opportunity to have them. When I reflect on how positive my father's role was in my own life, I shudder to imagine growing up without him. He was the ying to my mom's yang. He was my first example of how a man treats a wife in a loving marriage. And that example gave me self respect as a girl, a teen and a young woman and was my foundation to fall back on when I choose my male partners in life. That is something no single mother can provide. Living with 2 parents teaches children respect, how to resolve conflict in relationships and how to compromise...they learn this by watching their parents to it daily. It's no surpise to me that as divorce becomes more prevelant in society, that the many children of divorce find themselves in the same boat years later. When I grew up in the 60's and 70's, I didn't know any children my entire childhood that were products of single parents. Now it's commonplace and I would challenge anyone to state an argument on why that's a positive thing for society.

[think.reciprocity]

The only positive exceptions I make is when a single person decides to adopt a child that would likely be unadoptable. Yes, they also deserve a father & a mother, but they certainly deserve ONE loving parent at least.

The other exception is with gay / lesbian couples. I'm not saying this for any religious people to start attacking homosexuality. I believe that solid individuals who happen to be g/l - should be allowed to adopt those children too. I believe they (along with the above single mothers) have the responsibility to then create a life that is inclusive of strong male role models who are "uncle" like figures for those children. Our children deserve every advantage possible. They aren't getting them - mine included. I messed up. Mine deserved better. Life goes that way sometimes. You know better, you do better. Can't change the past.