No Father in the picture... by choice

[gentlearts]

I think it is rather selfish for a single woman to produce a child from a frozen "Pop", or however. While I can understand the pull of wanting a child, and the biological clock thing, I'd love to see them adopt an unwanted child instead. But it's a free country and folks will do what they want.
The idea that fathers are not essential to the well being of children is a big crock.

[bella32]

Because you started off judging it is very hard for me to believe you when you say it doesn't bother you that she is still in school or lives with her mother. Big deal if she is still in school everyone finishes at their own pace and wouldn't you rather her still be in college and living at home that not in school but working to maintain an apartment? As a woman it is very hard when your maternal clock kicks in, I think it is a beautiful wonderful thing that she wants to be self less and have a baby especially knowing that under her circumstances that for a little while it may be hard. Key word--for a little while. She is on her way to having a career and whos to say that they will not find a new daddy to be in their lives. I think you need to support her which is completely different than judging her. We all wish that we had this ideal fairy tale life, I am more than sure when she was younger she didn't say- wow i would really love to be a single mother struggling with going to school and taking after my mother who is ill. Of course not. Either support her or keep your comments to yourself! She doesn't need any negativity right now she needs your blessings

[think.reciprocity]

Originally Posted by bella32

Because you started off judging it is very hard for me to believe you when you say it doesn't bother you that she is still in school or lives with her mother. Big deal if she is still in school everyone finishes at their own pace and wouldn't you rather her still be in college and living at home that not in school but working to maintain an apartment? As a woman it is very hard when your maternal clock kicks in, I think it is a beautiful wonderful thing that she wants to be self less and have a baby especially knowing that under her circumstances that for a little while it may be hard. Key word--for a little while. She is on her way to having a career and whos to say that they will not find a new daddy to be in their lives. I think you need to support her which is completely different than judging her. We all wish that we had this ideal fairy tale life, I am more than sure when she was younger she didn't say- wow i would really love to be a single mother struggling with going to school and taking after my mother who is ill. Of course not. Either support her or keep your comments to yourself! She doesn't need any negativity right now she needs your blessings

I've always explained to my son that there will always be those friends who tell you what they think you want to hear - but the true friends are the ones who will speak the truth to you because they care.

This isn't just about her. This is about innocent children who didn't ask to come into the world. There is absolutely NOTHING selfLESS about a woman CHOOSING to have children without their father present - NOTHING. I know all about biological clocks ticking & whatnot. But, I also know all about motherhood, sacrifice, & the pain a child goes through having not had a father there for him day in & day out. I would have given anything to be able to go back & choose more wisely to have given my son a father who would have stayed the course.

I'll take the constructive criticism that I made terrible choices that led to my son being without both his parents. My choices were stupid, self-absorbed, & not remotely selfLESS when it came to the fathering of my son. No need for shaming me because that was over 20 years ago & I have long since learned my lesson & seen the destruction such choices cause.

Certainly, children can end up just peachy keen with one parent. But, selfLESS is choosing to arm your child(ren) with every single emotional, spiritual, intellectual, familial benefit you possibly can - whether it works for you or not. SelfLESS is choosing NOT to have a child because you are not, at the time, able to give that child every single one of the aforementioned things necessary for his/her greatest good.

I do not judge any person who makes these errors - but, I do make a judgment & determination that the choices themselves are poor ones - they are selfish ones. There is a difference between judging actions & people. My son knows me to be unconditionally loving & accepting of him - he even comes to me with questions about things he know I wouldn't abide by - but, he knows that regardless of his choices - I love & support him... not necessarily the choices he makes.

I stand by what I said before & I'll say it again & again ...


...

[Mathguy]

I personally feel that the whole "I don't need a husband, it's my baby and I want one" stuff was a backlash to women being seen as subservient or being held to a different set of rules. This attitude was popularized in TV and movies....about the noble single mother and removing the stigma of unwed motherhood.

While I applaud our efforts to be more understanding etc. I saw first hand girls intentionally getting pregnant because they wanted the attention a friend was getting and having a baby would be the cool thing. (Sometimes the pendelum swings too far the other way)

I think for many who intentionally chose a fatherless pregnancy that is was a self-indulgent and more often than not a BAD decision.

I'm going to probably become a single parent sometime in the next couple years due to my wife's illness and I cannot fathom getting my kids to where they are right now had she not been around. I had a friend that lost his wife when his kids were pre-school aged and it's an enormous burden alone.

To willingly choose this? Wow, that's a really big step....I can guarantee you that like everything it looks easier on TV than in real life. To do this before getting her feet under her and out of her parents house and a job? Hopefully the kid gets his brains from his dad.


I do have one ending question. What does this girls mother\father say? If she was supportive and said she'd help with the kid then that's somewhat different but if she dropped this bomb expecting mom to step up with her decision....yikes.

[Lauren8142]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

I found out a relative of mine is pregnant with her first child. She is single, living with her mother, still in school (she's 30), and works at a not-so-great job. I am - to say the least - disappointed in her. It's not the fact that she's living w/ mom or still in school... it's the fact that she did this on purpose w/ the full intention of not having a father around for her child. She has always stated, "If I don't get married at a certain age, I'm going to have a baby on my own...". Well, she did it and now she doesn't want the father involved (her choice). Am I being old fashioned? She has no one to help her (her mom works full-time AND has health issues).

Mothers have children all the time on their own but for a variety of reasons such as the father is abusive, he doesn't want anything to do with the child, etc. They do it for the good of the child or not by choice.

What do people think about this scenarios? Would you have a child without a father or a significant other if you reached a certain age? Why/why not? Enlighten me. I'm all ears...


****Just to make myself clear - I'm not talking about widowed mothers, divorced women, or women who are single mothers through no fault of their own (the father is a creep, or whatever) or accidental pregnancies. My question is very specific - I'm curious about women who just want a man's sperm but no involvement and how do they compensate for this void.

I am a still a young woman of 20, so i do not pretend to be all knowing and wise but i know my own opinion. I was raised by my mother and i have never ever met my father he was in a relationship with my mother and in the army, i was a mistake but a mistake that at the time he acted very happy about until she was 6 months and she never seen him again. My mother has done a fantastic job of raising me and my brother on her own. I would never say my mam has been selfish in any way but this is because she was not the one to cast my father out it was his choice. I do not agree with your relatives choice to refuse the father contact however and to basically use him as her own personal sperm bank i'm sure her intentions are good for the child but i think no child should be robbed of a parent that wanted to be there. Personally i would rather have the sugar coated version of a happy mother and father when i have children myself but life itself shows you that it doesn't always happen that way and i think if i became a single mother i wouldn't worry too much about it because i know i'm a good person with the best intentions maybe you need to judge your relative on that. I hope both sides see sense the father and the mother but for the moment all you can do is be there for the child because whats done is done now and having loving family around you is the best remidy for any child that is feeling that something is missing role model wise, hope this helped!
Lauren

[mommabear2]

I'm the OP. Update: my relative - she's my cousin - had her baby (mother and child are doing well) and the babies grandmother, stepdad, and her sister are pitching in to help (no one talks about the father - if anyone asks our questions are deflected - on the rare occasion that anything is said by my cousin it's... "he's not worthy" and we think she says this so we won't ask anymore). Sometimes I think they're helping her a bit TOO much because she's already talking about going to a sperm bank for the second baby...

I'm pretty sure she knew that her mother would help her (and she is) and I can see her going through this again. She admitted that she didn't think fathers were important but I had an idea that she felt this way before she became pregnant. Her father was an absentee dad... he would drop in once a year, then take off with his girlfriend - so I can see why she would feel that fathers are overrated.

My families legacy is having children (out of wedlock or not) with no fathers around. I have too many cousins, one sibling, my husband, and other extended family members whose fathers left the picture entirely. So it pains me to see another child with no father, but this time it was intentionally planned. For the family members I have whose fathers were never around, I know it hurt them (some are over it) and they take it out on themselves even though it wasn't their fault. I didn't want to see another kid in my family go through that. I empathize with them so it's still not easy for me support my cousins "my-baby-doesn't-need-a-daddy" decision. I don't think it's entirely her fault though, this is what she knows (since her dad was never around) and I guess, to some people, fathers really are irrelevant.... and... although I'm not crazy about it, I can understand how came to that conclusion.

This has been a really difficult issue for me to digest. Thanks everyone for their thoughtful post. Many of you gave me some really good insight.

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

I'm the OP. Update: my relative - she's my cousin - had her baby (mother and child are doing well) and the babies grandmother, stepdad, and her sister are pitching in to help (no one talks about the father - if anyone asks our questions are deflected - on the rare occasion that anything is said by my cousin it's... "he's not worthy" and we think she says this so we won't ask anymore). Sometimes I think they're helping her a bit TOO much because she's already talking about going to a sperm bank for the second baby...

So, with all this help, she thinks she's raising this child alone? Holy crap, this just proves she can't do it alone. What a selfish nitwit...she thinks the dad isn't worthy? Let's see, she deprives a child of a father, then inflicts the responsibility on her family, and she calls the dad unworthy? She needs to be slapped upside the head with a clue-by-four.

I hope the dad steps up to save this child from this "mother".

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by mommabear2

I found out a relative of mine is pregnant with her first child. She is single, living with her mother, still in school (she's 30), and works at a not-so-great job. I am - to say the least - disappointed in her. It's not the fact that she's living w/ mom or still in school... it's the fact that she did this on purpose w/ the full intention of not having a father around for her child. She has always stated, "If I don't get married at a certain age, I'm going to have a baby on my own...". Well, she did it and now she doesn't want the father involved (her choice). Am I being old fashioned? She has no one to help her (her mom works full-time AND has health issues).

Well the woman you describe is a parasite. Sorry. There's no other way to describe it. She's still sponging off her mother, still wandering her way through the school system, and now she's going to have a baby because she wants one. Well, bully for her. I guarantee you that it will be her mother who pays the price, too, because she'll wind up financing the baby and taking care of the baby while the infant's mother goes off on her latest whim.

Of course the girl's mother doesn't get off scot free either. Essentially, she raised an irresponsible child. So now the chickens are coming home to roost.

What's more, if the woman's mother does indeed die, and she doesn't have a decent job, guess who's really going to be paying the price? Either the other relatives or the taxpayers. All so she could fulfill her whim of having a baby.

Now on to the central issue. There are women who have children on their own through circumstance, whether by the death of the father, divorce, or just an accident of birth control. But just selecting to get bred and then excluding the father from the equation shows a great deal of immaturity and an even greater lack of understanding of the demands of parenthood.

Having and raising a child is a 24/7 endeavor. Until you've actually had a child, you have simply no idea how exhausting it can be. It is certainly not a one-person job. And for every heart-warming anecdote you muster about a single mom raising a Rhodes scholar or a child of comparable accomplishment, there are hundreds whose children are shortchanged in tangible ways.

So I think you should have a talk with this relative. Maybe slap her. And let her know exactly how selfish her actions are for her child, her mother, and the rest of the community.

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

So I think you should have a talk with this relative. Maybe slap her. And let her know exactly how selfish her actions are for her child, her mother, and the rest of the community.

Or print this thread out and send it to her!