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Old 11-17-2011, 05:42 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,328,644 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IamLost View Post
Just to re-clarify, my wife and I have been together since my teenager was 2 years old. She has been a supporting parent the entire time, until lately when my daughter has become so hateful and aggressive to her. The reason my daughter and wife don't get along, is because my wife has the tendency to be the disciplinarian in the house, and my daughter doesn't like to be told what to do. Especially by a step-parent. When I back up my wife, my daughter throws it back in my face that I am taking my wife's side and not hers, and it's not fair. While I know she is not going to run my family, she sure makes it known that she will NOT be respectful to my wife. Period. By nature, I am the somewhat passive parent. I have always told my daughter that I will be much more free with my parenting as long as she does what is expected of her. The problem has been that I have given an inch, and she has taken a mile. When I put the hammer down, she runs to my mom, and my mom goes on about how I am being to hard on her, and how she has had such a rough life, she doesn't need to live in a house like ours.

That's the BS part. I am simply trying to raise my daughter. It's not like we run a Nazi concentration camp here.
So why can't she go live with grandma for awhile?

Does your mom not understand that she is undermining you? Evidently not. I understand her being sympathetic but does she think the kid should be disrespecting your wife and slugging people at school?

 
Old 11-17-2011, 05:48 PM
 
24 posts, read 11,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
So why can't she go live with grandma for awhile?

Does your mom not understand that she is undermining you? Evidently not. I understand her being sympathetic but does she think the kid should be disrespecting your wife and slugging people at school?
I think I stated that she does stay there often. It's the only way I can keep the peace in my house. The problem is that after awhile, she even causes turmoil in my mom and step-dad's house. My step-dad is the most mellow man I have ever met, and my mom says my daughter has had him in a fit of rage before because of her behavior.

She is simply out of control.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 05:51 PM
 
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With that said, I am also pursuing enrolling her into a boarding school for her high school career. It is a college preparatory school, with very high honors in the education world. I face two problems with this.

1. It costs about $40,000 a year
2. They have a pretty high standard required of enrollees. This includes grades and extra-curricular activities. Both of which my daughter fails at.

I have no doubt that the private school would help volumes with her behavior. But both problems above are HUGE roadblocks.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 05:53 PM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,701,411 times
Reputation: 11007
Quote:
Originally Posted by IamLost View Post
Just to re-clarify, my wife and I have been together since my teenager was 2 years old. She has been a supporting parent the entire time, until lately when my daughter has become so hateful and aggressive to her. The reason my daughter and wife don't get along, is because my wife has the tendency to be the disciplinarian in the house, and my daughter doesn't like to be told what to do. Especially by a step-parent. When I back up my wife, my daughter throws it back in my face that I am taking my wife's side and not hers, and it's not fair. While I know she is not going to run my family, she sure makes it known that she will NOT be respectful to my wife. Period. By nature, I am the somewhat passive parent. I have always told my daughter that I will be much more free with my parenting as long as she does what is expected of her. The problem has been that I have given an inch, and she has taken a mile. When I put the hammer down, she runs to my mom, and my mom goes on about how I am being to hard on her, and how she has had such a rough life, she doesn't need to live in a house like ours.

That's the BS part. I am simply trying to raise my daughter. It's not like we run a Nazi concentration camp here.
Oh, okay. That clarifies the situation somewhat. I thought your wife was a more recent addition to the family. Although, she obviously hasn't been able to parent exclusively since your daughter was two, as that was mainly her grandmother.

I think your instincts were spot on regarding the person you met who suggested you find someone who's been in a similar situation to your daughter. I don't think anybody who hasn't been through something like that can really understand it. And her grandmother doesn't sound like much of a solution, it sounds as if she has issues as well, which none of you really need right now.

If your daughter is acting up in both homes, it could be that she is heading into puberty and this whole thing has hit her badly, or also that she knows how to take advantage of her past and is playing it to get the maximum benefit. Both of which are totally understandable, I reckon.

Perhaps you could find a group of survivors of this kind of trauma, and ask them if they know of anybody? You might find some good support with people who have been through it and now have some objectivity.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 05:57 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,328,644 times
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P.S. Are you the same guy whose wife has cat allergies and was going to end the marriage over a cat? I apologize if you are not.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 06:29 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,694,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IamLost View Post
Today, I met a keynote speaker at a conference. The man was a former drug addict, as well as his mother, who killed herself when he was three. He has since turned his life around. I spoke with him briefly about my situation. While his case was an addiction, he made a statement that I have been telling everyone around me. He said my daughter will not show positive interaction with someone unless she can speak to someone who has had something similar to her situation. He said the best thing you can do is to find a counselor who has had past trouble, and has turned their life into a mission to help others who are in the same or similar situation they were in, in the past.

Makes sense.

Now, how do I find a woman who has been molested, who's mother treated her like ****, and then died, as well as rebelled against anything and everything that was put in front of her?

If only I had a search engine for local counselors.
It shouldn't be too hard. Many people go into psychology because they have problems. You don't need to find someone with all three experiences, just one or two is a good enough match. Look into support groups for survivors of child abuse and neglect. I'm sure there are support groups for children whose parents have died too. There are support groups for all sorts of things. Search support groups for trauma, molestation, victims, etc. Call your local psychiatric hospital and ask if there are support groups specifically for teenagers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IamLost View Post
With that said, I am also pursuing enrolling her into a boarding school for her high school career. It is a college preparatory school, with very high honors in the education world. I face two problems with this.

1. It costs about $40,000 a year
2. They have a pretty high standard required of enrollees. This includes grades and extra-curricular activities. Both of which my daughter fails at.

I have no doubt that the private school would help volumes with her behavior. But both problems above are HUGE roadblocks.
I think this would be a big mistake! She'll feel like you abandoned her. Don't get me wrong. I can understand wanting to do it. I considered it briefly when my children were going through normal teen stuff. Your daughter has been a victim of sexual abuse and treated like garbage by her deceased mother. The last thing she needs is to be sent away---to a boarding school or to live with your mother.


Quote:
Originally Posted by IamLost View Post
Just to re-clarify, my wife and I have been together since my teenager was 2 years old. She has been a supporting parent the entire time, until lately when my daughter has become so hateful and aggressive to her. The reason my daughter and wife don't get along, is because my wife has the tendency to be the disciplinarian in the house, and my daughter doesn't like to be told what to do. Especially by a step-parent. When I back up my wife, my daughter throws it back in my face that I am taking my wife's side and not hers, and it's not fair. While I know she is not going to run my family, she sure makes it known that she will NOT be respectful to my wife. Period. By nature, I am the somewhat passive parent. I have always told my daughter that I will be much more free with my parenting as long as she does what is expected of her. The problem has been that I have given an inch, and she has taken a mile. When I put the hammer down, she runs to my mom, and my mom goes on about how I am being to hard on her, and how she has had such a rough life, she doesn't need to live in a house like ours.

That's the BS part. I am simply trying to raise my daughter. It's not like we run a Nazi concentration camp here.
Since you know this is the problem, this is what you fix. You need to stop being the passive parent and your wife needs to back off being the step parent disciplinarian. This doesn't mean that you should go easy on her. It means that you should step up and parent your daughter and your wife should back off regarding discipline.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 06:41 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,328,644 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
It shouldn't be too hard. Many people go into psychology because they have problems. You don't need to find someone with all three experiences, just one or two is a good enough match. Look into support groups for survivors of child abuse and neglect. I'm sure there are support groups for children whose parents have died too. There are support groups for all sorts of things. Search support groups for trauma, molestation, victims, etc. Call your local psychiatric hospital and ask if there are support groups specifically for teenagers.


I think this would be a big mistake! She'll feel like you abandoned her. Don't get me wrong. I can understand wanting to do it. I considered it briefly when my children were going through normal teen stuff. Your daughter has been a victim of sexual abuse and treated like garbage by her deceased mother. The last thing she needs is to be sent away---to a boarding school or to live with your mother.



Since you know this is the problem, this is what you fix. You need to stop being the passive parent and your wife needs to back off being the step parent disciplinarian. This doesn't mean that you should go easy on her. It means that you should step up and parent your daughter and your wife should back off regarding discipline.
Some people do not have the personalities or fortitude to discipline acting out teens. He already said his health is compromised as it is, so I doubt he is willing or able to step up to the plate at this point. His wife probably would have liked him to do that by now, so if he hasn't, it's a fair bet he isn't going to start now.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 06:47 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,694,271 times
Reputation: 30249
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Some people do not have the personalities or fortitude to discipline acting out teens. He already said his health is compromised as it is, so I doubt he is willing or able to step up to the plate at this point. His wife probably would have liked him to do that by now, so if he hasn't, it's a fair bet he isn't going to start now.
Parents of acting out teens need to find the fortitude to discipline acting out teens. His passive personality has contributed greatly to how she is now. His passive path contributed to his declining health. His health isn't going to improve until stress in his life gets better. The stress isnt' going to get better until he corrects his error and starts disciplining his daughter. HE HAS TO DO IT, not only for his daughter but for his wife. He is about to lose his wife and his daughter because he has been passive. HE has the power to save his daughter and save his marriage.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 10:52 PM
 
24 posts, read 11,942 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Parents of acting out teens need to find the fortitude to discipline acting out teens. His passive personality has contributed greatly to how she is now. His passive path contributed to his declining health. His health isn't going to improve until stress in his life gets better. The stress isnt' going to get better until he corrects his error and starts disciplining his daughter. HE HAS TO DO IT, not only for his daughter but for his wife. He is about to lose his wife and his daughter because he has been passive. HE has the power to save his daughter and save his marriage.
My passive personality MAY be part of the reason she is the way she is.
My passive personality has NOTHING to do with my health status. It is a hereditary disease.
My health will not improve a great deal if my life gets better. I have a disease that has no cure. It is what it is.
 
Old 11-17-2011, 10:53 PM
 
24 posts, read 11,942 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
P.S. Are you the same guy whose wife has cat allergies and was going to end the marriage over a cat? I apologize if you are not.
lol no. I hate cats.
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