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Old 11-30-2011, 06:00 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,262 posts, read 34,030,301 times
Reputation: 20198

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cleasach View Post
We can't say "show up, shut up, and wear beige" this time though.
I dunno, I think that's sound advice for any formal setting, don't you?
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:06 AM
 
1,261 posts, read 1,963,927 times
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I appreciate all of the sound clear advice -- because I am anything but clear on this!

Quote:
Originally Posted by passwithoutatrace View Post
I do think it is selfish of your daughter to think you should just pick up the tab for the wedding if her boyfriend's family refuses to contribute. Instead of blindly agreeing to pay for everything, why not give a set amount of money? That way you have a firm limit so you don't break your bank, and your daughter and future SIL can budget the money. Maybe when they don't have the funds they can cut back or speak to the SIL's family again.
This is a really good idea. We've been at loggerheads over this issue, with DD accusing me of not loving/supporting her choices becuase I won't "pay for everything." It will put the decision making on DD and DH without me having to give any reason other than it is what I can afford . Thank you.
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:35 AM
 
Location: bold new city of the south
5,181 posts, read 4,038,505 times
Reputation: 6127
I learned from my Mom and Mother-in-law what to do. Never-ever cut down or criticise future sil. Never volunteer unwanted advice, and be positive with daughter.
If you are asked for advice or opinion, be honest, concise and fair. Stay above the fray
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:42 AM
 
6,452 posts, read 9,362,329 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brookside View Post
This is a really good idea. We've been at loggerheads over this issue, with DD accusing me of not loving/supporting her choices becuase I won't "pay for everything." It will put the decision making on DD and DH without me having to give any reason other than it is what I can afford . Thank you.
Oh my, what a brat. You should just tell her unless she brings you a decent SIL, you will not be paying for everything. Ok, so maybe you shouldn't say that, just tell her since she's making such an adult decision she should just accept whatever you are willing to give and be happy about it... you know, like you are in what she's offering to you as a SIL.
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:49 AM
 
1,261 posts, read 1,963,927 times
Reputation: 1887
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charles View Post
Did you ever see the movie "About Schmidt"?



About Schmidt Trailer - YouTube

Yes! Love it!

I remember it offered an interesting perspective on how the parents viewed the guy their daughter was marrying:

1. Dad -- after virtually ignoring his daughter all of her life, suddenly thinks FSIL isn't good enough for her, but he is about 20 years too late to try and influence her decisions.

2. Mom - is a pragmatist who realizes the pickings are lean, that marriage isn't perfect and that her daughter is strong enough to take this person and build a life with him.

Resonates.

I just want my DD to have a good life. And somehow I can't help but think that her questionable choice is a reflection on me. ???

I hope she is strong enough. I always thought she was, but our kids seem to become someone else when they are with mates. My *son* is actualy a stronger, better person with his wife (I LOVE her for this!). I want the same for my daughter and it is heartbreaking to think this may not happen.

But if I cause them to break up in any way, she will blame me forever. So .... backing off. Painful. Hardest thing I've ever done.
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,261 posts, read 4,731,751 times
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It must be difficult but you've gotten wonderful advice here. And her focus on you paying for everything has me thinking that her eye is on the party and not the actual marriage. So maybe giving her a dollar amount and leaving it at that will keep her from just thinking and talking about this party and ignoring the warning signs in the fiance.

And to reiterate what was said before - do not criticize him. You will put her in a position of having to defend him and that is not what you want at all. And if she does come to you with concerns about him don't get all excited about her finally seeing the light. Listen, ask how it makes her feel. Ask how she thinks she can deal with it, etc.
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Frankfurt, Germany
799 posts, read 1,571,461 times
Reputation: 408
It seems like her attitude about you paying for everything is a bit immature to be honest. Just be firm and give her a set amt you are comfortable with and she can take it or leave it. IF she is mature enough to get married then she should appreciate ANY contribution you are willing/able to make to her union.
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:15 PM
 
15,700 posts, read 18,015,739 times
Reputation: 25117
So, OP....it's 2012...You said the wedding is in 2013...How about an update??? Is the FSIL still in the picture?
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Old 01-27-2013, 06:31 PM
 
1,261 posts, read 1,963,927 times
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Still in the picture. Wedding postponed .


They are still engaged, but the date is open. Trying not to get my hopes up ...
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Old 01-27-2013, 06:35 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,202,656 times
Reputation: 8956
Do you realize your daughter is a separate person from you and you don't own her? I understand the parental concern, but we are really all on our own paths . . .like it or not . . .I would be supportive of your daughter and emphasize what is good with the future son-in-law . . . he might have "issues," but they are his issues and affect your daughter, not you, per se . . .maybe step back and focus on your own life?
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