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Old 12-03-2011, 06:52 AM
 
1,015 posts, read 1,692,283 times
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I'm in the other position. I stay at home, my daughter goes to private school 25 miles away. There's another family in our neighborhood whose daughter goes there too. The mom works close to the school. Before the school year started I contacted her about driving my daughter to school. I offered a monthly amount of money, but also told her I would be her backup. If she was traveling for work, or was sick, or her other daughter was sick, if school was out early and her daughter's aftercare wasn't available, I would drive the girls where they needed to go. The mom has never had to wait for my daughter to arrive at her house in the mornings and we pay promptly. It has worked out for both families. I would never presume to take advantage of this huge favor this family is doing me.

For the past two years a good friend of mine drove my older daughter to school since the mom worked there and didn't mind. I regularly baked them cookies or made them a pot of chili in appreciation.

When people make your life easier, you should go out of your way to show you appreciate it.

I've also been on the other side, with a situation similar to fallingwater's. Agreed to help out a neighbor for an hour or so after school because their previous arrangement fell apart. The hour kept stretching longer and longer so the mom could grocery shop, etc. She tried to sign me up for the next school year and I told her no, I wasn't in the child care business.

I'm willing to help out almost anyone in an emergency. Things happen and can't be predicted. But don't you dare take advantage of my good nature.

To the OP, if you want to continue carpooling, but with the other mom picking up some of the duty, I would meet with her and say now that her working situation has changed and she's going so close to their schools too, you'd like to talk about changing the carpool routine. If she says no, she's on her own.
If you don't want anything more to do with the whole situation, I'd give her two weeks notice and say this isn't working for you anymore.
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Old 12-03-2011, 07:25 AM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,728,169 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Finster, you just gotta be kidding me.

Hurt feelings? Miffed? No idea the OP has been taken advantage of?

Surely, you can see how upside down your thinking is???? The neighbor has been given a service gratis. MIFFED? The woman would have to be mentally ill to get MIFFED about something that someone was nice enough to do for her and she was so insensitive and thoughtless as to continue without even discussing the arrangements. PO'd? The neighbor could get PO'd b/c she was suddenly expected to do what everyone else in the world who has kids has to do - get herself up in time to take her kid to school?

And it is okay for someone else, who is not even PAYING you for your assistance, to make you late for work - cause "that is what is to be expected" with kids? You give that kind of thoughtless and irresponsible behavior a PASS? No, it is NOT OKAY.

In the real world, you are late for the bus, the bus leaves and there you stand with your mouth open.

In the real world, bosses get UPSET WITH YOU when you are late. The neighbor's callous, insensitive behavior (allowing her son to screw around and not be ready for his FREE RIDE) could have caused black marks on the OP's personnel record, something she may not even realize has happened til review and evaluation time rolls around.

But all this is okay with you and you think the OP needs to shelter her neighbor from the harsh reality that she needs to take responsibility for her own kid - out of fear the neighbor may get MIFFED or POd???
I see the OP's situation, I truly do. But I'm looking at it from a different angle. The OP has allowed this to go on for four years, for whatever the OP's reasons are. The OP could have nipped the late thing in the bud the first time it happened by saying her job was in jeopardy and she could no longer risk being late by picking up a tardy kid.

If the OP didn't want to give FREE RIDES, as you put it, then the OP shouldn't have. The OP is annoyed at the neighbor for her own behavior. She doesn't have any obligation to give the kid a ride, not at all, but she doesn't have the right to be upset at someone because she chose to give them.

In the real world, you take responsibility for your part in your situation. I'm not saying she needs to shelter the neighbor, but I don't think it's fair to get miffed at someone else for a situation that you played along with for four years.

The neighbor is not a mind reader. You should not go through life passively waiting for people to see it your way without giving them the opportunity to at least know where you stand. There's nothing wrong with politely explaining that you are no longer able to continue the situation.

IMHO, the OP was feeling altruistic and now she's not, because the neighbor has her own job. How does the neighbor know that this change in her status has made a difference to the OP? She doesn't.

The OP was the one giving the rides, so it's up to the OP to discuss the arrangements, if the OP doesn't want to continue making them. It's also up the OP, at any stage in the previous FOUR years, to say "Hey, I'm feeling a little taken advantage of here. If our relationship is not going to be reciprocal in any way, then I'm not going to continue it."
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Old 12-03-2011, 09:57 AM
 
5,210 posts, read 8,812,817 times
Reputation: 5865
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Finster, you just gotta be kidding me.

Hurt feelings? Miffed? No idea the OP has been taken advantage of?

Surely, you can see how upside down your thinking is???? The neighbor has been given a service gratis. MIFFED? The woman would have to be mentally ill to get MIFFED about something that someone was nice enough to do for her and she was so insensitive and thoughtless as to continue without even discussing the arrangements. PO'd? The neighbor could get PO'd b/c she was suddenly expected to do what everyone else in the world who has kids has to do - get herself up in time to take her kid to school?

And it is okay for someone else, who is not even PAYING you for your assistance, to make you late for work - cause "that is what is to be expected" with kids? You give that kind of thoughtless and irresponsible behavior a PASS? No, it is NOT OKAY.

In the real world, you are late for the bus, the bus leaves and there you stand with your mouth open.

In the real world, bosses get UPSET WITH YOU when you are late. The neighbor's callous, insensitive behavior (allowing her son to screw around and not be ready for his FREE RIDE) could have caused black marks on the OP's personnel record, something she may not even realize has happened til review and evaluation time rolls around.

But all this is okay with you and you think the OP needs to shelter her neighbor from the harsh reality that she needs to take responsibility for her own kid - out of fear the neighbor may get MIFFED or POd???
The OP should never have waited on this kid. If the neighbor child wasn't ready when the OP got there, the OP could have given a friendly wave to that mom and said "Sorry! I can't wait" and then driven off. That mom would have then had to get her own child to school.

Last edited by springfieldva; 12-03-2011 at 10:17 AM..
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Old 12-03-2011, 10:15 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by springfieldva View Post
The OP should never have waited on this kid. If the neighbor child wasn't ready when the OP got there, the OP could have given a friendly wave to that mom and said "Sorry! I can't wait" and then driven off. That mom would have then had to get her own child to school.
That's what I would have had to do had I been in the situation when my son was small. I was teaching at the time and I couldn't have been late - it would have been a major disaster for me.
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Old 12-03-2011, 10:19 AM
 
5,210 posts, read 8,812,817 times
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Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
That's what I would have had to do had I been in the situation when my son was small. I was teaching at the time and I couldn't have been late - it would have been a major disaster for me.
Being late to work is almost always a bad thing, no matter what your job is. Few bosses put up with that sort of thing for very long. I'm assuming the OP's child was also late getting to school - not good either.
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Old 12-03-2011, 10:29 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I see the OP's situation, I truly do. But I'm looking at it from a different angle. The OP has allowed this to go on for four years, for whatever the OP's reasons are. The OP could have nipped the late thing in the bud the first time it happened by saying her job was in jeopardy and she could no longer risk being late by picking up a tardy kid.

If the OP didn't want to give FREE RIDES, as you put it, then the OP shouldn't have. The OP is annoyed at the neighbor for her own behavior. She doesn't have any obligation to give the kid a ride, not at all, but she doesn't have the right to be upset at someone because she chose to give them.

In the real world, you take responsibility for your part in your situation. I'm not saying she needs to shelter the neighbor, but I don't think it's fair to get miffed at someone else for a situation that you played along with for four years.

The neighbor is not a mind reader. You should not go through life passively waiting for people to see it your way without giving them the opportunity to at least know where you stand. There's nothing wrong with politely explaining that you are no longer able to continue the situation.

IMHO, the OP was feeling altruistic and now she's not, because the neighbor has her own job. How does the neighbor know that this change in her status has made a difference to the OP? She doesn't.

The OP was the one giving the rides, so it's up to the OP to discuss the arrangements, if the OP doesn't want to continue making them. It's also up the OP, at any stage in the previous FOUR years, to say "Hey, I'm feeling a little taken advantage of here. If our relationship is not going to be reciprocal in any way, then I'm not going to continue it."
I see what you are saying about the OP enabling the situation. I understand that. But it isn't like ending the free morning ride is gonna create some major situation for the neighbor. The neighbor has to get up and go to work now, too - so . . . giving a bunch of notice or any explanation is not necessary - other than "gonna have to make some changes and won't be able to pick your son up any more." I mean - I am sure OP would be polite about it.

From what OP said, she was not really feeling taken advantage of until it hit her that the child was making her late for work . . . and that her generosity meant that all she was essentially doing is giving her neighbor extra time in the mornings to get ready - while she had to rush out the door. That would have made me feel really affronted, too - that the neighbor herself had not said - Oh dear! Johnny has made you late for work! No need for you to even pick him up any longer - I have to go by the school on my way now anyway."

I mean - I would have been taken back by the neighbor not taking it on herself to be more thoughtful to the person who had played taxi for her son every morning for 4 years. Kinda tells me something about her neighbor to know she stood by and knew her son was late on several occasions. That was just plain rude. It appears the neighbor didn't even care what impact it had on OP's life.

So I guess that is where I am coming from as far as feeling any concern about the neighbor being inconvenienced or needing an explanation.

I do see what you mean about enabling the situation, but that doesn't let the neighbor off the hook for not being more thoughtful about the arrangement for four years.
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Old 12-03-2011, 10:40 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
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Originally Posted by springfieldva View Post
Being late to work is almost always a bad thing, no matter what your job is. Few bosses put up with that sort of thing for very long. I'm assuming the OP's child was also late getting to school - not good either.
And that is the part of OP's situation that really set me off, lol - I could imagine myself being in her shoes. And I would have been very upset and rather incredulous that there mom and dad were . . . in the house! . . . and evidently didn't respect OP's time enough to even be concerned that their son was making her late. They should have waved out the door and said: "Johnny's late! we'll take him! Go on - don't wanna make you late for work!"

That would have hit me like a ton of bricks. I would have felt very disrespected and used at that moment. And I would have thought - why the heck am I even DOING this????
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Old 12-03-2011, 11:26 AM
 
9,056 posts, read 6,728,169 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I see what you are saying about the OP enabling the situation. I understand that. But it isn't like ending the free morning ride is gonna create some major situation for the neighbor. The neighbor has to get up and go to work now, too - so . . . giving a bunch of notice or any explanation is not necessary - other than "gonna have to make some changes and won't be able to pick your son up any more." I mean - I am sure OP would be polite about it.
I didn't say ending the free ride is going to create any situation for the neighbor. I don't see why the OP committed to pick up a SAHM's kid every single morning in the first place. But she did, now she's the one saying it's awkward, not the neighbor. In order to make it not awkward, then she perhaps should be polite about ending the service. Because - she's created a situation where there is a child involved who is now friends with her children, and none of this is their fault.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
From what OP said, she was not really feeling taken advantage of until it hit her that the child was making her late for work . . . and that her generosity meant that all she was essentially doing is giving her neighbor extra time in the mornings to get ready - while she had to rush out the door. That would have made me feel really affronted, too - that the neighbor herself had not said - Oh dear! Johnny has made you late for work! No need for you to even pick him up any longer - I have to go by the school on my way now anyway."
Here's the thing - you can't be affronted by something YOU choose to do. It's completely silly to continually be late for work because of someone else's kid (if that is indeed what actually happened). The onus is not on the kid's mom to stop the rides, it's on the OP. Especially if after the first time and the non reciprocal nature of the mom after the couple of months or so - honestly, once you realize you're never going to get anything in return then it's up to you to end it, or put up with it with good grace if that's what YOU decide to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I mean - I would have been taken back by the neighbor not taking it on herself to be more thoughtful to the person who had played taxi for her son every morning for 4 years. Kinda tells me something about her neighbor to know she stood by and knew her son was late on several occasions. That was just plain rude. It appears the neighbor didn't even care what impact it had on OP's life.
So her neighbor's an inconsiderate ass. You can't change people. I don't understand why the OP kept doing favors for an inconsiderate ass. However, did the OP ever tell her that she was late and inconvenienced, or that her job was at risk? Or did she just put a nice face on it and continue to condone the neighbor's behavior by picking the kid up anyway? Some people are just unaware how their actions impact others, unless you tell them. They really are. Or their just a holes. But you don't continue doing it for that amount of time and then complain about it. I don't get that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
So I guess that is where I am coming from as far as feeling any concern about the neighbor being inconvenienced or needing an explanation.
If the OP doesn't like being inconvenienced or being treated rudely, then perhaps she should not also stoop to that behavior. By that I mean a small amount of notice (which may not be necessary, once the neighbor is aware that the OP no longer wants to do it) and some kind of polite explanation ("I'm sorry, but I cannot risk being late, and you are now going that way anyway, I've enjoyed your son's company in the morning") would be the appropriate thing to do. I'm sure the OP is considerate, even if the neighbor isn't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I do see what you mean about enabling the situation, but that doesn't let the neighbor off the hook for not being more thoughtful about the arrangement for four years.
We aren't talking to the neighbor. How do we have her on the hook? If she were here, then we could tell her that she's an ass. But the OP obviously didn't mind at one point, or she wouldn't have kept doing it. And I'd imagine the OP isn't a martyr of any kind.
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Old 12-03-2011, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,311 posts, read 4,817,306 times
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I think we're going off the rails here! The OP never said they were late for work, just that they hit more traffic and could have been late. I don't think he/she has been stewing for years over it. It seems like that now that they are all going to the same area an offer should have been made to at least take their own child.
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Old 12-04-2011, 09:44 AM
 
5,210 posts, read 8,812,817 times
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Originally Posted by Irish Eyes View Post
I think we're going off the rails here! The OP never said they were late for work, just that they hit more traffic and could have been late. I don't think he/she has been stewing for years over it. It seems like that now that they are all going to the same area an offer should have been made to at least take their own child.
True.

In rereading her posts, I think the OP's irritation has less to do with the neighbor boy running late on occasion and more to do with the fact that this former SAHM is working now at a corporate job - and probably earning more $ than the OP does.

It appears that the OP would now appreciate some monetary "appreciation" for driving this family's child to/from school. In other words, she would like to see her volunteer position converted into a paid position and she is trying to find an unawkward way to make that happen.
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