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Old 12-04-2011, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,749,867 times
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On those facial expressions, being 'learned'...quite often, we don't even realize we're doing it until it's pointed out to us. We can be modeling all kinds of behaviors and expressions, unknowingly! Do you remember being a child and being told, "Wipe that look off of your face or I'll wipe it off for you!!"? I sure do. I didn't even realize that I HAD a "look" on my face, until it was pointed out to me.

On the "fine line" crossings...that seems to be something we'd have to revisit with most of the kids, periodically. I grew up in a "no explanation" household. It was "SHUT THE HELL UP AND DO AS YOU'RE TOLD...NOW!" Asking "why" was a SIN! Crap, I don't even know why I ever bothered to ask, "why"...kind of like the definition of insanity, you know? It's like I expected to, someday, actually get an answer to that question! Okay, I guess I did. The answer was, "Because I SAID so!"

When you allow your kids to have "a voice", there is an inevitable "fine line" that has to be observed. Sometimes it's hard for kids, who spend a great deal of time with other kids, AND talk to them in an un-adult like fashion. They can get so used to talking to non-authoritative people in a relaxed manner. It can become a pretty ingrained habit, one that can pop right out there, before they're able to shift gears and check themselves. Yelling at me or talking to me in a sarcastic tone, is generally addressed with, "Who am I?....How do you talk to me? Hellooooo, you better remember who you're talking to!"
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
You can certainly encourage him to speak his mind - even if he doesn't agree with you. But part of that is learning that one can do that without being disrespectful of the other person. Why not try to teach him that? Disagreement does not have to equal rudeness or disrespect. He will benefit much more from that lesson in the long run.

Also mean to say, I've overlooked an eyeroll or two in my parenting time, but not from an 8 year old. That is when you are setting the bar for what will be considered acceptable and normal behavior as they get older. It's much easier to back off a few times when you know they are going through a lot than it is to try to get things under control once it's out of control....make sense?
Yep, this makes perfect sense to me! My 15 y/o DS is at the age where he's been "pushing the line" a little bit with his tone of voice, even to the point of raising his voice. The boy is now 6'3" tall, 230 lbs, without a bit of visible fat on his body.

We just had an "understanding" this morning, about that "line", when he raised his voice and snapped at me. My kids have always been allowed to, like I said, have a voice....as long as it's a "respectful" voice. Step over that line and you're in my face (even if you're in another room)...you do NOT get in my face. He understands that the next time he "gets in my face", I will have his phone for 2 weeks and he will be grounded off of "recreational time" on the Internet for 1 week. I believe we have come to an understanding.
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Old 12-04-2011, 05:53 PM
 
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I always gave them a worse choice if they did that--say I told them to go clean their room and I got the eye roll and whatever, I would then tell them, Ok after you are done cleaning your room you now get to clean the bathroom as well, some days I got my entire house cleaned on eye rolls. It didn't happen very often at our house though...because as soon as they did they would remember the extra jobs that came with it and would run to do whatever before I could add more
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:46 AM
 
28,203 posts, read 19,935,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by golfgal View Post
I always gave them a worse choice if they did that--say I told them to go clean their room and I got the eye roll and whatever, I would then tell them, Ok after you are done cleaning your room you now get to clean the bathroom as well, some days I got my entire house cleaned on eye rolls. It didn't happen very often at our house though...because as soon as they did they would remember the extra jobs that came with it and would run to do whatever before I could add more
LOL!

I like the idea of added chores. I'm going to add that to my "parenting arsenal".

Another question: You tell one of your children to clean up their room and they throw an all out tantrum. This is my younger one, he's five. Do you ignore the tantrum and then make them clean up? How long do you let the tantruming go on?


(I just realized I really sound like Mother of the Year on this thread! No one will take parenting advice from me again! )
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Old 12-05-2011, 06:02 AM
 
20,793 posts, read 52,766,636 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
LOL!

I like the idea of added chores. I'm going to add that to my "parenting arsenal".

Another question: You tell one of your children to clean up their room and they throw an all out tantrum. This is my younger one, he's five. Do you ignore the tantrum and then make them clean up? How long do you let the tantruming go on?


(I just realized I really sound like Mother of the Year on this thread! No one will take parenting advice from me again! )
As long as they chose to....in their room, with the door shut. Honestly, our kids didn't have that many tantrums because we never bought into them from the start. If they chose to have a tantrum they were picked up and placed in their rooms and the door was shut. I never even said a word to them while they were acting like that. It didn't take long for them to figure out that tantrums were not a way to get my attention.

There were days when it took 10 hours for the kids to clean a room, but those 10 hours were mostly doing nothing in their room. It gets done before you do anything else. I am not an overly picky house cleaner. Our house is neat and clean most of the time but not anally so. Now that the kids are teenagers, I don't care what their rooms look like unless we are having company. DD's room is a total pig sty most of the time. The boys keep their rooms pretty neat. Same when they were little, the rooms got cleaned when needed, not an every day type deal.
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Old 12-05-2011, 07:46 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 59,178,151 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
LOL!

I like the idea of added chores. I'm going to add that to my "parenting arsenal".

Another question: You tell one of your children to clean up their room and they throw an all out tantrum. This is my younger one, he's five. Do you ignore the tantrum and then make them clean up? How long do you let the tantruming go on?


(I just realized I really sound like Mother of the Year on this thread! No one will take parenting advice from me again! )
I think it just depends on what you want to accept and then be consistent.

I've seen kids who I thought were spoiled brats turn out just fine and kids whose parents were strict and made them behave always also turn out just fine. I think it has to do more with being consistent, that if something is unacceptable, then it always is, and vice versa. You can't allow them to do something one time and then clamp down.

Set the rules, and then decide how you will enforce them. Tantrums can be ignored but if you gave him a chore to do, the tantrum should not ever get him out of doing that chore.
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Old 12-05-2011, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,749,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
LOL!

I like the idea of added chores. I'm going to add that to my "parenting arsenal".

Another question: You tell one of your children to clean up their room and they throw an all out tantrum. This is my younger one, he's five. Do you ignore the tantrum and then make them clean up? How long do you let the tantruming go on?


(I just realized I really sound like Mother of the Year on this thread! No one will take parenting advice from me again! )
I always figured there were tantrums and there were TANTRUMS. What really distinguished the two is what was being thrown (and where) and what was coming out of their mouths. Only you can determine that. At 5 years old, they can get pretty overwhelmed when sent to their room to clean it. They don't even know where to begin. I found that putting it as, "Hey, let's get this room together. You pick up the ....... and I'll pick up the ........."

Personally, I didn't DO screaming tantrums. On occasion, I'd let them know, "If you want to throw a fit, get in your room. If I hear things being thrown, I'll bring up the trash can and just start throwing things away. Either it gets put away or it gets thrown away! Throwing a fit is not going to change that. You're wasting your time and energy, energy that would best be used to clean your room."

My kids didn't have to KEEP their rooms spotless, but they did need to be safe and not be a garbage dump. They're so funny....kids...at least mine. They HATED having to clean their rooms, but once they got their rooms clean, they LOVED it. A few times a year, when they were at school, I'd devote the biggest part of the day cleaning, rearranging and sometimes painting their rooms. Adding or removing furniture, as their age or interests changed might tick them off for a few minutes, (especially when they were teens), but eventually, they'd thank me profusely (and embarrassingly, if they'd pouted about it). Not too many people are happy living in squalor, but if things get too dirty and unorganized, it can be completely overwhelming, knowing where to start.

My youngest son is into fishing. He ties flies, has about 10 fishing poles, 6 tackle boxes....and all the bells & whistles that go along with it. The boy's room can get really, really bad....and frankly, a tad bit dangerous at times. I give him notification "Okay, I went on a towel search and ended up in your room. It's time to put some stuff away...today. Tomorrow, I'm checking it out. If I NEED to, I'm going to clean it myself. Today's your warning."
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Old 12-05-2011, 10:32 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,647,499 times
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Since we're talking about bedrooms: My kids' bedrooms were their sanctuaries. It was the place they could go to blow off steam. I wasn't at all keen on eye-rolling and back talking to me and my DH but once they were in their room and closed the door they could do it to their heart's content. Turn up the stereo. Plug in the guitar. Turn to a radio station I hated. Whatever. Everyone needs a place they can de-stress and get away from the person driving you nuts.

To a child that person is usually the parent, lol.
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Old 12-05-2011, 10:32 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 35,298,114 times
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But no slamming, Dew. That door is mine!
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Old 12-05-2011, 10:35 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,647,499 times
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Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
But no slamming, Dew. That door is mine!
Oh, yeah. I posted this a long time ago. To this day if they come visit us and a door slams they call out, "Sorry! Accident!"
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