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Old 12-19-2011, 02:57 PM
 
Location: Maine
2,271 posts, read 5,556,904 times
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Yes, 13 is the age stipulated. Not that it makes it right, but she is seriously the only one of all of her friends who doesn't have an account.

And as for the checking of the phone, I have never done that -- I just want her to know that she does not have the absolute right of privacy since we pay for the phone. I would only check it if I suspected a problem.

My parents were involved with me, but a little naive, I think, lol. And I was such a good kid -- but boy, did I do some stupid stuff, and I am lucky nothing horrible happened to me.
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Old 12-19-2011, 04:43 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 35,087,307 times
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I disapprove of shirking the rules, but if you're going to, I advise you to carefully set up her profile and security settings. I keep an eye on my daughters' pages (they are 14 and 15), and occasionally I will visit their friends' pages to check something out. My older daughter calls this "creeping," and I tell her too bad. Kids today have Facebook friends they've never met, friends of friends of friends. Some of them might not be real people. I only speak to them when they speak to me, but I am the eye in the sky and my daughter knows it. I've told her to take pictures down and delete comments, and if she fights me about it, her Internet access is revoked.

It's amazing what some kids will allow non-friends (like me, a parent of one of their friends) to see. I can frequently see their walls, photos, and the walls and photos of their friends. There are settings that could shut me out, but I don't encounter those very often. I think it's because a lot of kids want their friends' friends to see them and befriend them, but on Facebook, "friend" is simply a designation. I am not my daughter's friend, I'm her mom. She is also "friends" with her grandmother, aunts, cousins, and other relatives. On Facebook, you can set up restricted groups, like "Real Friends," and give only them permission to see your photos and whatnot.
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:24 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,260,654 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lawmom View Post
DD is 11. She has a cell phone and knows that I reserve the right to check her texts and call log at random. We are going to register he for her own facebook page for Christmas (odd gift, but she's been dying for one), and we are setting the privacy options and both of us will be her "friends" so we can monitor the goings-on.

Is that going overboard? Am I veering too far from my own parents' lenient ways? I think with technology things are a little different...
I did monitor on rare occassions, but never with my children knowing it. You're not really going to know what they're up to if they know you're checking their texts, call log, emails, facebook, etc. Kids are smart and they quickly learn how to hide things if they know they are strictly monitored. I never confronted them about what I read, never let on that I saw anything. If something concerned me, I was able to provide positive direction via finding creative ways to inspire natural conversations. My trusting my children helped promote open communication. They rarely hid things from me. When they did, it wasn't for long. Anyways, that's what worked for me.

Last edited by Hopes; 12-19-2011 at 05:34 PM..
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:33 PM
 
Location: Lansing, MI
2,954 posts, read 5,960,620 times
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Now, to throw a big wrench in this discussion.

My father's philosophy was very simple. If I was under his care (ie, his protection / responsibility) and living under his roof, what I had going on in my life was of his concern. Now that I've seen things as an adult, and I've matured quite a bit since being a teenager, I tend to agree with him.

The internet was new and unevolved when I was a teenager. Chat rooms were a big hit, but there was no social networking beyond creating your own web page to show the world who you were. Chat rooms were very dangerous - much like FB, you don't really know who is on the other side. Oh, and as a 14-17 yr old, I had many older men talk to me in chat rooms.

The preditors won't distinguish the line between appropriate and inappropriate when talking to children, and young females are targetted. As a teenager, I found this flattering - an older man wanted to talk to me! As an adult, I find this replusive as I see the true nature behind it.

The part that we, as adults, are now failing to see is the gray area of appropriate / inappropriate among classmates and/or peers. As the media protrays sex as more acceptable, children are taking this message and running with it more now than ever before. And, don't think your children can't pull the wool over your eyes --- they know how to keep inappropriate conversations from mom and dad, or they know someone who will teach them how. They've grown up in the world of technology and computers, and most of them have more tricks up their sleeve than adults do.

A good example: My father's step daughter. This child grew up with very few rules and boundaries, and she exploited this as a 14-18 yr old. And, she had older brothers that promoted sexual situations on their FB pages, so she felt this was appropriate for her. She figured out how to have a second FB page; 1 page her mom saw (and she was an innocent little church going girl), and the other page was her "real" page ---- and she had many older teenage boys / young men that paid her for sexual favors and encounters. She would arrange a "sleepover" at a girl friends house, and this is how she was able to get out of the house to meet random men. Her mother was oblivious to what went on in her personal life, and my father discovered the real story when he put a key logger on the computer. In addition to FB, she had active accounts on Hot or not, Adult friend finder, etc. This girl didn't even have a cell phone .... mom just trusted that she wouldn't do anything bad, and gave her free reign until she proved otherwise. Fast forward to current date (now age 21) - she is nearly a high school drop out (barely finished) with a child she had at age 18, and a frequent flyer for the local women's clinic for STD prescriptions.

If my child is living under my roof, I pay for the privileges the child gets to have, and I provide the tools the child gets to use ... D**N straight, there is very little expectation of privacy. Keep a journal, have private phone conversations with friends, etc. But, I know what I was able to get away with as a teenager on a computer ....... I've played that game, I know the ropes. I will be monitoring what goes on with either a computer or cell phone, and that is non-negotiable for the privilege to use these items.
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:40 PM
 
9,964 posts, read 11,858,922 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lawmom View Post
This issue is not really related to Julia's thread, but when I saw hers I remembered I had wanted to raise this topic here.

How much privacy do you allow your kids and at what age?

My parents were hands-off. Of course I didn't have internet or facebook or texting. If they had read my diary I think they would have been pretty concerned about my mental well-being (I was depressed.) They also let me have far too much freedom in going out as a teen -- I was a good kid at home and school, and I think they made a mistake there, too.

DD is 11. She has a cell phone and knows that I reserve the right to check her texts and call log at random. We are going to register he for her own facebook page for Christmas (odd gift, but she's been dying for one), and we are setting the privacy options and both of us will be her "friends" so we can monitor the goings-on.

Is that going overboard? Am I veering too far from my own parents' lenient ways? I think with technology things are a little different...
The issue isn't their privacy but your obligation to keep them safe as a parent.

You are not your "kids best friend" you are much more than that. Through life your children will enjoy many "best friends" but they will always have just one mommy and daddy. Your job is to keep them safe especially considering between the ages of say 12 and 18 they might make some horrible misjudgements that might follow them the rest of their lives. Your job is to do whatever you can to keep them from making bad judgements, to keep them safe from themselves. To preserve them so they may have a successful life later down the road.

For their sake, safety and future you must know what is going on in their lives and however you find out is all fair.
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:46 PM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,652,341 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicet4 View Post
The issue isn't their privacy but your obligation to keep them safe as a parent.

You are not your "kids best friend" you are much more than that. Through life your children will enjoy many "best friends" but they will always have just one mommy and daddy. Your job is to keep them safe especially considering between the ages of say 12 and 18 they might make some horrible misjudgements that might follow them the rest of their lives. Your job is to do whatever you can to keep them from making bad judgements, to keep them safe from themselves. To preserve them so they may have a successful life later down the road.

For their sake, safety and future you must know what is going on in their lives and however you find out is all fair.

Except if you protect them until they are 18 then how do you expect them to take care of themselves once they are out of the house? I encountered this on my first run through college, girls, guys 18 and freaking naive and clueless because they came from sheltered households. Therein has to lie a balance between protections and understanding that your kids need to learn how to deal with things as well.
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:49 PM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,652,341 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I disapprove of shirking the rules, but if you're going to, I advise you to carefully set up her profile and security settings. I keep an eye on my daughters' pages (they are 14 and 15), and occasionally I will visit their friends' pages to check something out. My older daughter calls this "creeping," and I tell her too bad. Kids today have Facebook friends they've never met, friends of friends of friends. Some of them might not be real people. I only speak to them when they speak to me, but I am the eye in the sky and my daughter knows it. I've told her to take pictures down and delete comments, and if she fights me about it, her Internet access is revoked.

It's amazing what some kids will allow non-friends (like me, a parent of one of their friends) to see. I can frequently see their walls, photos, and the walls and photos of their friends. There are settings that could shut me out, but I don't encounter those very often. I think it's because a lot of kids want their friends' friends to see them and befriend them, but on Facebook, "friend" is simply a designation. I am not my daughter's friend, I'm her mom. She is also "friends" with her grandmother, aunts, cousins, and other relatives. On Facebook, you can set up restricted groups, like "Real Friends," and give only them permission to see your photos and whatnot.

However your daughters can hide posts from you so it doesn't always work out well . The problem is if you go to far and pushy with it your kids will find ways to lock 'mom' out. Remember we young ones are much more adapt at the latest tech than mom and dad. Hell my parents can barely log into the Internet .
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Lansing, MI
2,954 posts, read 5,960,620 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucidkitty View Post
Except if you protect them until they are 18 then how do you expect them to take care of themselves once they are out of the house? I encountered this on my first run through college, girls, guys 18 and freaking naive and clueless because they came from sheltered households. Therein has to lie a balance between protections and understanding that your kids need to learn how to deal with things as well.

It is the duty of a parent to take the time to communicate and teach children about real life. Let them make a few mistakes here and there, or have in-depth discussions as to why a situation may not be appropriate. A parent that overprotects their child is setting them up for just as much failure as a parent that plays the best friend to the child.
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:55 PM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,652,341 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chance2jump View Post
It is the duty of a parent to take the time to communicate and teach children about real life. Let them make a few mistakes here and there, or have in-depth discussions as to why a situation may not be appropriate. A parent that overprotects their child is setting them up for just as much failure as a parent that plays the best friend to the child.

Hence why i stress balance on all things . I don't think you should be overprotective nor do i think you should be so lenient you seem hip.
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Old 12-19-2011, 06:18 PM
 
9,964 posts, read 11,858,922 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chance2jump View Post
It is the duty of a parent to take the time to communicate and teach children about real life. Let them make a few mistakes here and there, or have in-depth discussions as to why a situation may not be appropriate. A parent that overprotects their child is setting them up for just as much failure as a parent that plays the best friend to the child.
Which takes the time they are under your control in their teen years during which time you need to talk with them a lot. Talk and listen.

We didn't go trumping just to snoop but when we thought "something might be going on" we did whatever we had to do to find out and get to the bottom. Once we (my wife actually, I wouldn't read it myself) read our daughters diary where we discovered it wasn't our daughter who was having trouble but one of her better friends.

At least we knew what was going on.
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