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Old 12-23-2011, 09:32 AM
 
1,067 posts, read 1,378,888 times
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I am in a very tough situation and I just dont know what to do.

This is a very sensitive issue. About 3 weeks ago my cousins daughter who is 11 years old came to spend the night and spend time with her little cousin (my dd)

While we were chatting and doing each others nails and watching some movies lifetime's "bastard out of carolina" was on. I'm not sure if any of you are familar with the movie but towards the end the mothers bf rapes the little girl and after the mother hits him and gets her daughter in the car the bf sobs and says sorry and the mother forgives him . Well I made a comment about what I would do in that position and my little cousin sort of clams up and looks down. I could tell something was wrong so I probe a little and she bursts into tears and confesses that her mothers bf touches her "down there" and she told her mother and she said "dont tell anyone because they'll take you away and I'll never see you again"

Well of course after consoling her I call CPS.

About 3 days later they go to the house and apparently my little cousin wouldnt say anything to them and my cousin tells them I'm just jealous of her and that nothing is going on. So cps tells me without any proof they cant do anything.

I just dont know what to do. Im so heartbroken. What do I do?? I'm about 3 seconds from having my boyfriend and a group of his friends go over there and teach the boyfriend a lesson but that wont solve anything long term. PLEASE PLEASE help what do I do?

I was going to try to talk to my little cousin again and tell her if she tells then she is more than welcome to live with me but now I cant even talk to her because her mom is furious with me and said I will never see or speak to her daughter again.
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Old 12-23-2011, 09:49 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,212,769 times
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Wow, I am so sorry you went through that. You absolutely did the right thing, please don't second-guess yourself (if you are).

As far as what to do now, I don't know if there is anything you CAN do. Your hands seem to be tied at this point.

But, just because nothing happened, doesn't mean you didn't accomplish anything.

First, now that POS is on file with CPS.

Second, your cousin's daughter now knows that there are people who care, people who believe her.

Third, when she is ready to take the leap, she knows what will happen.

You did everything you could. I wouldn't encourage anyone to take matters into their own hands. There is still the very slight chance that she made it up. Can you imagine if your friends beat the guy to a bloody pulp and it turns out he was innocent?

Good luck and I hope that she one day finds the courage to stand up and tell the truth.
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:21 AM
 
15,205 posts, read 16,080,075 times
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That is a terrible, heartbreaking situation and you did the right thing.

The only thing I can think of is to keep trying to talk to your cousin (the mom) and tell her that you understand that she's worried that her daughter will be taken away from her, but she has to think of the little girl's safety first. Keep trying to reason with her and reassure her that her first duty as a mom is to protect her daughter. Try as hard as you can to not let her make you the enemy.

Forget about beating anyone up. That will only end up with whoever does the beating going to jail and the perpetrator will be free.
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 9,128,415 times
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You. Did. The. Right. Thing.
Imagine how you would've felt if you didn't call.
Relationships between adults are hard enough, without one adult molesting the other's children - and when that happens, all too often in my experience, the parent frequently denies it, tells the child to deny it, or pretends it is OK for their own selfish reasons. They either want to keep the child away from the other parent, or keep the boy/girlfriend because they are paying the bills - a plethora of reasons that have nothing to do with the child's welfare or well-being.

I have to say that - well, children do lie. They do it to get attention, to manipulate situations, to avoid responsibility, to hurt people with whom they are angry - they lie for the same reasons adults do. But when it comes to child molestation, you have to take an unsolicited accusation like that at face value, because the consequences to the child of ignoring it are just too horrible. While I have helped defend over 100 people from false accusations of child abuse, I do not and cannot pretend that it never or even rarely happens. The occurrance could be easily explained by bathing or even roughhousing, tickle fights or playing in a pool - but then again, it could just as easily be a real molestation. As someone who doesn't live with the family, you have no way of knowing the reality, so all you could do would be to go on the child's word.

Bear in mind that if the child was telling the truth, she already knows that her mother will not protect her and will tell her not to tell, even coerce or threaten her if she does tell. She also now knows that you will protect her. She still loves her mom (most abused children will still love their abuser and the abusers' protector, they are confused like that) , but she knows that her mother is not there for her. Sooner or later - hopefully sooner rather than later - she may come to you again. Be prepared to do whatever it takes - again - to protect her. Or - she may never tell anyone ever again, if she suffered emotional abuse or neglect over it. But she still knows that you stood up for her. Next time (if there is a next time) if you can, keep the child at your house and have CPS interview her there in safety. (I prefer to call the police first, and let them call CPS - as long as the child isn't afraid of uniforms, most police officers are prompt and protective, rather than waiting days, sometimes weeks, to investigate like CPS.)

Don't try to be friends with the mom again. If she is guilty of protecting the abuser for any reason, she won't want you close enough to expose her behavior again. And the child will see it as both of you denying the seriousness of her plight.

As for sending your SO over to beat up this guy, probably not a good idea, no matter what sort of visceral satisfaction you would get from it. The child may suffer for it, as the abuser may take out his frustrations and anger on her.

Stay on top of it as much as you can. I reported my brother for molesting his stepdaughter when she was 13, and nothing ever came of it. When she was 17, the Feds kicked down his door - he was busted for filming his 'exploits' and putting the child porn on the Internet; he spent 4 years in a Federal Prison. Satisfying? You BETCHA. Know what happened afterwards? The girl's mother took him back in and kicked her (then adult) daughter out...

People are sick.

Last edited by SCGranny; 12-23-2011 at 10:34 AM..
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:29 AM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,997,413 times
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perhaps you can talk to someone at her school. give them a heads up so that someone who is not in the family is involved and keeps an eye out for the child. I know having someone beat up is not the way to go, but if I had a few big strong close friends that would have a talk with the man in question, to remind him to keep his hands off the child or leave I surely would. same thing if I knew a woman was being beaten or suspected it. nothing wrong with talking to the boyfriend "man to man"
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:38 AM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,533,864 times
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Is there someone in your cousin's immediate family you can talk to about this? God only knows how they'll react to it, but it's worth a try. They may be able to have a nice "chat" with mom and/or boyfriend, or simply not believe you.

As suggested above, I'd let the school know, too.
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:53 AM
 
1,677 posts, read 1,970,681 times
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Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My stomach was in knots reading that, I can only imagine how it felt to hear that from your little cousin. You absolutely did the right thing.

What I didn't get is this. Usually when CPS is called, they have to do a full investigation that takes at least 30 days or more. It is beyond trifling and a complete dereliction of duty for them to show up and ask, Hey, did you do this? and accept the answer of, No, she's lying. Okay, goodbye. Call a supervisor, keep calling, until someone does a real investigation. The guy may have child porn on his computer, or pictures of her, or other solid evidence that would not even involve her testifying.

And, if possible, keep the lines of communication open with the little girl. It was probably terrifying for CPS to show up at her door, especially when her mom convinced her that she'll get taken away and never see her again. It's natural that she would clam up then. If she knows that she has someone she can trust and come to, perhaps one day she'll feel safe enough to tell the truth. I hope the mom at least put the pervert out, but that might be hoping for too much. If the abuse is continuing, and escalating, she will need you, the one person who believed her. Keep being the great cousin you have been, and hopefully things will work themselves out.

Good luck to you and your family.

Edited to add, I just reread your post where you said your cousin won't allow you to talk to the child anymore. That makes it difficult, but perhaps you can contact her through other family members, or if she has a Facebook page or her own phone? Get a prepaid little cheap phone to call from or someone else's phone so that mom doesn't recognize the number. You don't have to stalk or nag her, just let her know that you love her, and how to contact you if she needs to talk. And maybe the police will do a more thorough investigation. I'm not sure how it all works, but maybe you can go that route instead of child services.
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Old 12-23-2011, 11:02 AM
 
1,067 posts, read 1,378,888 times
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Thanks everyone for your responses....I was thinking of going to her school and talking to her there but I wasnt sure if they would let me being im not on her emergency list...talking to the principal is a great idea I didnt think of that, i'll make a trip as soon as the break is over. Unfortunately the mother IS still with the POS.

AnnaNomus I thought the same thing that they had to do an investigation and all that jazz but the lady said without anything but my word there isn't "just cause" to do so. Calling her supervisor is a great idea.

My next thought would be to contact her father. He has been in and out of her life but at this point im willing to try anything. What do you think?
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Old 12-23-2011, 11:05 AM
 
4,267 posts, read 5,149,199 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhioChic View Post
My next thought would be to contact her father. He has been in and out of her life but at this point im willing to try anything. What do you think?
I think this is a good idea. I'd let as many family members as possible know what this child told you.
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Old 12-23-2011, 11:13 AM
 
1,677 posts, read 1,970,681 times
Reputation: 5475
Quote:
Originally Posted by OhioChic View Post
Thanks everyone for your responses....I was thinking of going to her school and talking to her there but I wasnt sure if they would let me being im not on her emergency list...talking to the principal is a great idea I didnt think of that, i'll make a trip as soon as the break is over. Unfortunately the mother IS still with the POS.

AnnaNomus I thought the same thing that they had to do an investigation and all that jazz but the lady said without anything but my word there isn't "just cause" to do so. Calling her supervisor is a great idea.

My next thought would be to contact her father. He has been in and out of her life but at this point im willing to try anything. What do you think?
Yes, great idea. Maybe he has been in and out, but hopefully he would care that someone is abusing his child. The principal is a good idea too. Maybe he could have a guidance counselor at the school talk with her and build a line of trust and communication, so that even though she can't see or talk to you, she can talk to somebody.
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