U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,746 posts, read 1,772,535 times
Reputation: 1388
In fact allowing non-friends to post on your wall... I don't think that's even part of the default public wall setting. You have to go in and choose that option, I'm fairly sure....

I have a couple public posts. I went in and did a "view as" to see it from the public's point of view. Sure enough, the public can't comment on those posts. I don't even know where I'd have to go in Facebook settings to enable public posting on my wall. I'd have to play with it for a couple minutes and delilberately be looking for that option.

 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Atlanta
11,925 posts, read 5,481,635 times
Reputation: 11232
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
There are some things you can control, and things you can't.

You can control the settings of your Facebook.

The fact that she kept it public and completely open to be read and be posted on by anybody (who does that? nobody I know) speaks volumes about her pro-activeness in solving her problem with these people (non-existent).

If you want to read some deep dark meaning into that, or view that simple point of view as "stirring the pot" go ahead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
In fact allowing non-friends to post on your wall... I don't think that's even part of the default public wall setting. You have to go in and choose that option, I'm fairly sure....

I have a couple public posts. I went in and did a "view as" to see it from the public's point of view. Sure enough, the public can't comment on those posts. I don't even know where I'd have to go in Facebook settings to enable public posting on my wall. I'd have to play with it for a couple minutes and delilberately be looking for that option.
The onus remains on the bully to modify their behavior, not the victim.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:44 PM
 
8,012 posts, read 3,585,152 times
Reputation: 9539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
The onus remains on the bully to modify their behavior, not the victim.
This is true, true, true. BUT wise parents will make sure to teach their kids about internet safety and other safety.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 1,663,665 times
Reputation: 2352
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
In fact allowing non-friends to post on your wall... I don't think that's even part of the default public wall setting. You have to go in and choose that option, I'm fairly sure....

I have a couple public posts. I went in and did a "view as" to see it from the public's point of view. Sure enough, the public can't comment on those posts. I don't even know where I'd have to go in Facebook settings to enable public posting on my wall. I'd have to play with it for a couple minutes and delilberately be looking for that option.
I'm just curious what that says to you about someone?

As has been mentioned in earlier threads, even if pages are private, cyber bullying has and does occur through other parties or the bullies' walls. I can't speak to this particular case anymore than anyone else can- it is highly unlikely that we'll ever have access to the kind of information required to support your theory (or anyone else's).
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:46 PM
 
13,569 posts, read 15,649,124 times
Reputation: 11592
Quote:
Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain View Post
I guess what I don't understand is why you would assume keeping her fb not private (which I generally think isn't smart) is rare among teenagers? It's not rare, at least among the teens I have worked with ( stupid, IMO, yes, but rare, no). So, I guess I find it confusing that a relatively common behavior could tell you volumes about her problem solving or lack thereof? Certainly you can hold that opinion, I'm not disagreeing about that.
It may be a common behavior among teens, but if your FB was being used to torment you and say horrible things about you, would you leave it open for anyone to continue to do that or even keep a FB page up at all? It's not necessarily blaming the victim to say that the victim apparently took no action to protect themselves from the behavior as evidenced by leaving the FB page open and I think that was the point Minnesconinite was trying to make.

I tend to agree with what Ivorytickler was saying. You can't control the bullies, but you can control how you respond to and deal with them. We are ingraining zero tolerance, being "special", not using physical force, etc. into our kids and leaving them uncapable and/or unwilling to defend themselves. These things don't stop bullies, they just create easier targets.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,746 posts, read 1,772,535 times
Reputation: 1388
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zimbochick View Post
The onus remains on the bully to modify their behavior, not the victim.
Yep, I give.

No one's responsible for themselves.

I'm not talking about the bullies here. I'm off that point for a second. I'm talking about personal responsibility.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 02:58 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 1,663,665 times
Reputation: 2352
Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT View Post
It may be a common behavior among teens, but if your FB was being used to torment you and say horrible things about you, would you leave it open for anyone to continue to do that or even keep a FB page up at all? It's not necessarily blaming the victim to say that the victim apparently took no action to protect themselves from the behavior as evidenced by leaving the FB page open and I think that was the point Minnesconinite was trying to make.

I tend to agree with what Ivorytickler was saying. You can't control the bullies, but you can control how you respond to and deal with them. We are ingraining zero tolerance, being "special", not using physical force, etc. into our kids and leaving them uncapable and/or unwilling to defend themselves. These things don't stop bullies, they just create easier targets.
Oh, I agree with you about the lack of prudence of keeping it open. I can think of many reasons why I was told my teens kept theirs open (and I truly understand), but at the end of the day, limiting exposure to it is the wise course of action. Operative word there being limit, not stop completely.

I will be the last person on the planet to let people off the hook re: personal responsibility. Behaviors have consequences, end of story. What I was emotionally responding to in other posts was the subtext.

I also agree you can't control the bullies, just one's own response and the response of the greater "system," which suffers from being ineffective at present, IMO.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 03:01 PM
 
1,469 posts, read 859,191 times
Reputation: 3951
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
This is true, true, true. BUT wise parents will make sure to teach their kids about internet safety and other safety.


No one can expect a 15 year old to make the right choice at all times. That's where parents are supposed to step in. And although my heart goes out to Amanda's family, I do feel they are the ones who dropped the ball here.

They never reported the bullying. Amanda didn't want the bullying to get any worse by telling. So what DID they do? Change schools? Homeschool? Anything? Or simply allow the abuse to continue?

She was 15, dating a 19 year old.

She had a history of anorexia, depression, self mutilation, and suicide attempts.

Seeing that their child had some pretty serious mental health issues, they should have been even more vigilant and protective. But they allowed her to go to a school day after day and be tormented, they allowed her to date a much older boy (guaranteed heartache and drama for even a mentally healthy girl) and they apparently did nothing to monitor her online activities or step in when necessary. I do believe that the bullies carry some of the blame, but there seems to be plenty of that to go around.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 1,663,665 times
Reputation: 2352
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaNomus View Post


No one can expect a 15 year old to make the right choice at all times. That's where parents are supposed to step in. And although my heart goes out to Amanda's family, I do feel they are the ones who dropped the ball here.

They never reported the bullying. Amanda didn't want the bullying to get any worse by telling. So what DID they do? Change schools? Homeschool? Anything? Or simply allow the abuse to continue?

She was 15, dating a 19 year old.

She had a history of anorexia, depression, self mutilation, and suicide attempts.

Seeing that their child had some pretty serious mental health issues, they should have been even more vigilant and protective. But they allowed her to go to a school day after day and be tormented, they allowed her to date a much older boy (guaranteed heartache and drama for even a mentally healthy girl) and they apparently did nothing to monitor her online activities or step in when necessary. I do believe that the bullies carry some of the blame, but there seems to be plenty of that to go around.
Your last sentence. I don't like to talk about suicide in terms of blame, but your point is well taken. There were a lot of places for intervention here, in hindsight.
--------------------
I don't think anyone's arguing that bullying alone is directly causal, except the newspaper headlines. The factors that lead up to suicide attempts and completed suicides are many and varied. It's part of why it's such a difficult problem to get predictive data on.
 
Old 01-05-2012, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,746 posts, read 1,772,535 times
Reputation: 1388
I think this thread is evidence of a generation of coddled kids. Even grown adults can't seem to gauge where responsibility lies and with whom and for what. Life's just one big blame game.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $79,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top