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Old 01-11-2012, 06:34 PM
 
1,933 posts, read 3,236,247 times
Reputation: 1941

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Quote:
If we give them 30 days notice and they don't find a place to live, then what? Are we supposed to let our boys be homeless on the streets? They are smart kids, just extremely lazy, disrepectful, mean spirited, spiteful, and aggressive. They have a lot of potential and we just want to bring it out of them.
UMM Yes let them be homeless. If they are smart kids as you say they are, then they are smart enough to realize that you mean business and they can get a job, a place to rent and move out within thirty days. And if they end up homeless then your kids were not that smart to begin with.

I got kicked out at 18 years old and I only moved back home once for health reasons and moved out quickly thereafter. Each time I got my own place and worked towards never having to move in with my parents again. I got a job, paid rent, moved in with roommates. It is easy when you set your mind to things and not always have mommy or daddy coddling you.

 
Old 01-11-2012, 06:46 PM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,897,501 times
Reputation: 10904
Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
Calling a 14-year old an a-hole? Nice judgment there. I'm guessing you don't even know him well enough to even judge him.
Oh relax. I see your sensitivities are getting the best of you. And yes, many 14 yr olds act like a-holes time to time. Sorry to slap you with the reality stick.

Anyway, yes, I can judge him. I've known him all his life... 18 years now. And I've known BOTH his parents since I was 12... and I'm 52 now. So yes, I've made an objective judgement.

And what's so bad about judgement, anyway. Everyone here is judging the OP.

really, you need to grow a thicker skin.
 
Old 01-11-2012, 06:51 PM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,897,501 times
Reputation: 10904
Quote:
Originally Posted by atl85 View Post
If we give them 30 days notice and they don't find a place to live, then what? Are we supposed to let our boys be homeless on the streets? They are smart kids, just extremely lazy, disrepectful, mean spirited, spiteful, and aggressive. They have a lot of potential and we just want to bring it out of them.

My wife and I have been debating over whether or not to rent them an apartment. Maybe we will go through with that plan. That way we can live in a safe, peaceful household and they can go on with their lives. We are not going to be confrontational as we want to be involved in weddings and other future events. They are good guys, they just have a lot of incredibly stomach wrenching tendencies. It's time for them to go. We will find a way to make this happen. Thank you all for your help. Most of it wasn't one bit useful, but by seeing how not to handle this situation has sparked some ideas about how to handle this situation.
At their ages, it's not up to you to bring out their "potential." Your job is done. Maybe 30 days in the streets, if that's the way they choose to go, will shock them into reality.

As for "renting them an apartment," do you mean just fronting the move-in costs? I say fine if that's all you're talking about. Make sure the utilities are in THEIR names, though so they will have a legal established address. Forward their mail to the new one. Then change your locks on moving day... AND DON'T EVER LET THEM BACK IN!!!!

My mom has the same problem you do.... only my brother is now 51. Don't let that happen to you.
 
Old 01-11-2012, 07:00 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,020 posts, read 25,488,030 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by atl85 View Post
If we give them 30 days notice and they don't find a place to live, then what? Are we supposed to let our boys be homeless on the streets? They are smart kids, just extremely lazy, disrepectful, mean spirited, spiteful, and aggressive. They have a lot of potential and we just want to bring it out of them.

My wife and I have been debating over whether or not to rent them an apartment. Maybe we will go through with that plan. That way we can live in a safe, peaceful household and they can go on with their lives. We are not going to be confrontational as we want to be involved in weddings and other future events. They are good guys, they just have a lot of incredibly stomach wrenching tendencies. It's time for them to go. We will find a way to make this happen. Thank you all for your help. Most of it wasn't one bit useful, but by seeing how not to handle this situation has sparked some ideas about how to handle this situation.
The whole world is against these two adult manboys leeching off the parents with no job, no use and zero worth and here you are trying to convince yourself about their so-called potential and you even wanna put them in an apartment. You're not gonna fix anything. Have fun for the rest of your life putting diapers on two man babies, and let's have Lowe's build you two super-sized perambulators

Last edited by JustJulia; 01-11-2012 at 09:12 PM.. Reason: deleted personal attack
 
Old 01-11-2012, 07:08 PM
 
Location: 112 Ocean Avenue
5,706 posts, read 8,112,697 times
Reputation: 8886
You boys obviously have zero respect for their parents and that's not something that happens overnight.

I'm willing to bet you guys allowed them to get away with that type behavior from the time they were just little pissers and now its come back to haunt you big time.

You aren't going to get anywhere with them by playing nice-nice; that's water over the dam. You tell them exactly when they have to be out or you're going to take legal action, and if push comes to shove, you'd better be prepared to act on your spoken words.

Your kids need some tough love real fast: you'd better give it to 'em now if there's any hope of salvaging a decent life for either of them.
 
Old 01-11-2012, 07:10 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,238 posts, read 15,415,028 times
Reputation: 8098
Sir, you are in complete denial. To say that they're "smart kids" or "good kids", and yet they: 1) bring girls over, 2) spend their time on internet gambling, and 3) wander through the house drunk or stoned, etc. I would never tolerate this kind of behavior, and my adult children know it! Your children don't respect you and your wife because you haven't shown they need to.

I'm a divorced mom, and do you know what I did the day my son called me a b***h? We were on our way to Staples, to buy school supplies for his college classes. I pulled over, and calmly told him, "You cannot talk to me like that. It's obviously time for you to find someone else to pay your bills. You might want to call your grandfather when we get home and ask him." He apologized later (yes, that may have been so he didn't have to ask his grandfather for anything, but I still made my position clear and I stuck to it). Were there times that I cried in the bathroom because of my own hurt feelings? Yes. But I'm the only parent they had, and I had to be a real parent, not a friend.

Letting them walk all over you is far more detrimental to your relationship with your boys than anything else. Respect is earned, not given, especially at this age. They will push until you push back (meaning, push them out). You can't bring out anyone's potential; they need to bring it out in themselves, and that means they need to be hungry - maybe literally.

I work in the financial services industry. I see lots of families in which the parents, now in their 80s and 90s, are still giving their kids money regularly, and are basically supporting them. The kids don't appreciate it at all. That's what they're used to. The value of money or working hard means nothing to them! Please, really think about what you're doing, and the long term effects. The results aren't pretty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by atl85 View Post
If we give them 30 days notice and they don't find a place to live, then what? Are we supposed to let our boys be homeless on the streets? They are smart kids, just extremely lazy, disrepectful, mean spirited, spiteful, and aggressive. They have a lot of potential and we just want to bring it out of them.

My wife and I have been debating over whether or not to rent them an apartment. Maybe we will go through with that plan. That way we can live in a safe, peaceful household and they can go on with their lives. We are not going to be confrontational as we want to be involved in weddings and other future events. They are good guys, they just have a lot of incredibly stomach wrenching tendencies. It's time for them to go. We will find a way to make this happen. Thank you all for your help. Most of it wasn't one bit useful, but by seeing how not to handle this situation has sparked some ideas about how to handle this situation.

Last edited by SandyCo; 01-11-2012 at 07:29 PM..
 
Old 01-11-2012, 07:18 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,594,075 times
Reputation: 26195
Quote:
Originally Posted by atl85 View Post
If we give them 30 days notice and they don't find a place to live, then what? Are we supposed to let our boys be homeless on the streets? They are smart kids, just extremely lazy, disrepectful, mean spirited, spiteful, and aggressive. They have a lot of potential and we just want to bring it out of them.

My wife and I have been debating over whether or not to rent them an apartment. Maybe we will go through with that plan. That way we can live in a safe, peaceful household and they can go on with their lives. We are not going to be confrontational as we want to be involved in weddings and other future events. They are good guys, they just have a lot of incredibly stomach wrenching tendencies. It's time for them to go. We will find a way to make this happen. Thank you all for your help. Most of it wasn't one bit useful, but by seeing how not to handle this situation has sparked some ideas about how to handle this situation.
I understand most of your reactions.......honestly you and your wife are in "denial" You have expressed so many negatives about your sons, and their treatment of you and your wife.

And at the same time, hold on to the way things should be in your mind. And, honestly they can, it will take work, tough love, boundaries all of it, and all four of you doing it. I really hope that your conseling does help, it takes some time.

I was an abused wife, the problem w/ the abuse you are receiving is that it has been so subtle intitially, then shocking, that you two are living on the edge, and your boundaries have become so messed up, because you have built up a tolerance for "crap"
You have tolerated so much crap, that when there isn't some, you feel relieved.
When the way it should be is that you should be totally up in arms if there is any crap.....not relieved that there isn't any. Boundaries get screwed up when we accept unacceptable behaviors.
You are at the point where if they aren't hitting you, you think you can do this eviction in a rational, logical manner
I know that fear, the fear of can we get through this, can we avoid drama. It took years after my leaving....for me to be able to drive up to my door w/out my stomach churning.
You seriously need co-dependency education, please read a book called "Co-dependency No More" It may save all of your relationships.
Take care, be safe
 
Old 01-11-2012, 07:25 PM
 
1,371 posts, read 1,806,210 times
Reputation: 1649
Quote:
Originally Posted by atl85 View Post
If we give them 30 days notice and they don't find a place to live, then what? Are we supposed to let our boys be homeless on the streets? They are smart kids, just extremely lazy, disrepectful, mean spirited, spiteful, and aggressive. They have a lot of potential and we just want to bring it out of them.

My wife and I have been debating over whether or not to rent them an apartment. Maybe we will go through with that plan. That way we can live in a safe, peaceful household and they can go on with their lives. We are not going to be confrontational as we want to be involved in weddings and other future events. They are good guys, they just have a lot of incredibly stomach wrenching tendencies. It's time for them to go. We will find a way to make this happen. Thank you all for your help. Most of it wasn't one bit useful, but by seeing how not to handle this situation has sparked some ideas about how to handle this situation.
Uh...yeah?

If you want your childrent to walk all over you, fine. But don't come here complaining and asking for advice when you won't take any.

Don't rent them an apartment. If they are making "quite a bit of money" playing online poker, let THEM pay for the ****.

And no, your sons aren't good. They are little monsters (they would HAVE to be to raise a hand at their own father who has been nothing but good TOO good to them). If MY brothers treated my mother in that manner, they would be have their asses kicked, old school.

Last edited by JustJulia; 01-11-2012 at 09:15 PM.. Reason: deleted personal attack
 
Old 01-11-2012, 07:27 PM
 
1,371 posts, read 1,806,210 times
Reputation: 1649
Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyCo View Post
Sir, you are in complete denial. To say that they're "smart kids" or "good kids", and yet they: 1) bring girls over, 2) spend their time on internet gambling, and 3) wander through the house drunk or stoned, etc. I would never tolerate this kind of behavior, and my adult children know it! Your children don't respect you and your wife because you haven't shown they need to.

I'm a divorced mom, and do you know what I did the day my son called me a b***h? We were on our way to Staples, to buy school supplies for his college classes. I pulled over, and calmly told him, "You cannot talk to me like that. It's obviously time for you to find someone else to pay your bills. You might want to call your grandfather when we get home and ask him." He apologized later (yes, that may have been so he didn't have to ask his grandfather for anything, but I still made my position clear and I stuck to it). Were there times that I cried in the bathroom because of my own hurt feelings? Yes. But I'm the only parent they had, and I had to be a real parent, not a friend.

Letting them walk all over you is far more detrimental to your relationship with your boys than anything else. Respect is earned, not given, especially at this age. They will push until you push back (meaning, push them out). You can't bring out anyone's potential; they need to bring it out in themselves, and that means that need to be hungry - maybe literally.

I work in the financial services industry. I see lots of families in which the parents, now in their 80s and 90s, are still giving their kids money regularly, and are basically supporting them. The kids don't appreciate it at all. That's what they're used to. The value of money or working hard means nothing to them! Please, really think about what you're doing, and the long term effects. The results aren't pretty.
My ex called his mother a ***** once. She slapped him.

He never called her that again.
 
Old 01-11-2012, 07:28 PM
 
1,371 posts, read 1,806,210 times
Reputation: 1649
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedJacket View Post
You boys obviously have zero respect for their parents and that's not something that happens overnight.

I'm willing to bet you guys allowed them to get away with that type behavior from the time they were just little pissers and now its come back to haunt you big time.

You aren't going to get anywhere with them by playing nice-nice; that's water over the dam. You tell them exactly when they have to be out or you're going to take legal action, and if push comes to shove, you'd better be prepared to act on your spoken words.

Your kids need some tough love real fast: you'd better give it to 'em now if there's any hope of salvaging a decent life for either of them.
Correct.

The more OP posts, the more clear it has become that this is his and his wife's fault for not actually parenting his children, hence why they have grown up to become disrespectful little creatures.
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