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A question for all parents of physically unattractive young men.
I am a 23 year old man, who has never known a woman in anything but a platonic relationship. I am obviously a virgin but have never even had one date, held hands, or kissed a woman. Initially I was naive enough to believe that looks didn't matter, and I asked out a vast multitude of different ladies (some attractive, some less so) over the years beginning in middle school, and concluding when I experienced my final rejection at the workplace a few years ago.
In each situation the woman was quite found of me as a friend, but was revolted at the mere thought of a romantic relationship with me-hence ruining many of my valued strong platonic female friendships. The reason behind this lack of success, should be quite obvious from the title of this thread.
In several instances they attempted to feign flattery, but ultimately expressed their honest sentiments on the matter; "That while they enjoyed my friendship, many of the same interests, and my unique sense of humor they simply felt zero physical attraction to me, and felt that under such circumstances any sort of romantic interaction would be completely futile".
One girl whom I had a crush on beginning in middle school and continuing through high school, actually rattled of a list of my physical imperfections in front of everyone. Truth be told I do respect and appreciate her honesty as I understand the importance of mutual attraction and would not want to waste someones time by having them date me simply out of pity because they feel sorry for me.
It has been a particularly difficult struggle, as I also happen to have a very strong libido and often have wet dreams, erections without warning, and think of sexual matters quite frequently. While I do not judge those who utilize sex workers, I personally find the idea repulsive as I seek a true relationship where mutual attraction and a genuine affection exists. I feel as though a prostitute would simply be a meaningless experience, and most likely increase my loneliness and desire.
Unfortunately my feelings have also caused a tumultuous relationship at home. I often blame my parents, for having such an unfortunate looking son. When I reached out for help in the past, they have refused to help me seek methods to reduce my testosterone levels, chemically castrate, or utilize plastic surgery.
Ultimately, I do believe that when a physically unattractive young man is about to enter high school,hormone/acne ridden, and NAIVE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE, the most responsible action any loving parents could take would be to either sit their son down and somehow gently break the news that "women will most likely want to remain friends", or seek an all boys high school.
I wish my parents had cared enough to do either of the above for me. As it turned out my high school years were hell, but I naively thought nothing of it, believing things would change for the better until at age 21 my pursuit of a woman at work played a role in my dismissal from the greatest (and easiest) job and career opportunity I could have ever hoped for!
That was when it hit me. I realized that all along I had been too stupid to realize the truth, and my parents had been highly irresponsible to not step in and take action. However, I feel certain that they most likely saw the trainwreck ahead (especially my dad) when the school counselor called them in to express their concerns about some of my comments-I was venting my frustrations to a teacher that (I thought) I could trust.
In my objective analysis of the situation, I strongly feel that a great deal of pain, rejection, heartbreak, and even career damage could have been avoided had I been told the truth, or placed in an all boys school.
So Fathers of physically unattractive sons(Provided they are straight and not asexual), will you take the responsible action and break the truth to your sons/place them in single gender schooling or do you believe they should find out for themselves and flounder as I did???
As it is now, I work as a maintenance man on the evening and overnight shift. This is an occupation that suits me very well, as 1.) All my co-workers are guys, 2.) Working nights, I hardly see any women in public anyway! I certainly wish I had experienced that luxury during my years of adolescence--I might have made better grades!( I avoided college like the plague since most are co-ed)
I'm sorry you've had a rough time. I'm trying to picture a conversation where a parent tells their kid that they are going to move them to a different school due to their looks. I don't think that would go very well. I think that if my child came to me and told me they were having a difficult time at school, and wanted to switch, I would take it into consideration. An all boys school is going to be private in nearly every case, though. Not many people can afford private school. Did you ask to switch schools?
No parent should tell their kid that they're too ugly to ever attract a partner. It's just not true. Everyone can find someone, as long as they have the right attitude.
It sounds like you're going about it the wrong way, if asking someone out has gotten you fired from a job before.
And boys in all-boys high schools still date plenty of girls, they just don't see them at school.
Last of all, chemical castration or some way of reducing your testosterone is a bad idea...masturbation is a better solution. It relieves stress and it's a natural pain reliever. If you do it enough, you won't have wet dreams. It will also give you the experience to be a better lover when you do find a partner.
When I look around I see a bunch of different looking people every single day. Almost all of them have had spouses or relationships. Some are fat and ugly. Some are hot and could be on a calendar. Most are somewhere in between.
IMO it can be difficult to try and become friends first and then advance out of the friend zone. I don't think it works super well. I also don't think looking at work is a great spot. The fact you say it cost you your job pursuing a relationship indicates a problem as well we'd have to hear more about the specifics of that.
You should also do some inner searching. You seem convinced your exterior is what is keeping a relationship away, that may not be the case.
I can understand how you feel. However attraction is not just physical, you will learn this as you get older. My husband is not my type at all. I fell in love with him, not his looks.
One of my very good friends from high school has a severe handicap greatest guy in the world. Married with kids.
. Not many people can afford private school. Did you ask to switch schools?
No I did not. But in hindsight it would have been the best decision possible. Avoiding the rejection of women would have greatly improved my formative years of adolescence, and consequently improved many aspects of my adult life today.
I sincerely wish my parents had possessed the self awareness to see that their physically unattractive/horny son was heading into the "eye of the storm" by being placed into an environment where he would most undoubtedly fail with the opposite sex.
My plea for the current parents of unattractive young men today, is to heed the advice I offer from my experiences. It might save your son a great deal of heartbreak, depression, and career destruction.
I am empathetic to a girl's need for mutual attraction, yet growing up a hormone ridden young man one must assume he will fall under the spell of many beautiful young women. This is only natural, and any parent who believes otherwise is either delusional, or forgetful of their own years as a teenager.
At some point, said boy will need to live in a world and interact with females (unless he becomes a monk?). I think such a boy should attend co-ed school and get support (he might have to ask for it) for how to deal with girls. I have known men who I don't consider attractive do very well in life and in love. I think it can be a lot harder in high school because of maturity of all involved, but not everyone is hung up on the way people look. I have also known attractive and very insecure girls and boys who had a lot of difficulty navigating the social world of high school. Ideally, adults can help kids and young adults navigate a world of difficulty. Any chance your own parents had a lot of trouble in those years and really didn't know what to do to help you through it?
I wish you luck in your future endeavors. It might be helpful to have some therapy, as it might be that your approach and your idea about these things could use some reflection.
At some point, said boy will need to live in a world and interact with females (unless he becomes a monk?). .
As a physically unattractive young man I can state without hesitation that I have no intention of interacting with females beyond the ladies I am already platonic friends with, female relatives, and basic communication for business at work. I'd advise other homely guys to follow my example, to avoid being labeled a "creeper". PSA: All Women need not fear, as they will never again have to be burdened or "annoyed" (I had one girl describe my interest this way!) by my advances.
In my case (and that of many others), I have always been able to maintain positive platonic relationships with women whom I came to know through school, church, work, etc. However, as I stated in my OP, while they enjoyed my friendship, they simply felt zero physical attraction to me, and felt that under such circumstances any sort of romantic interaction would be completely futile".
My many platonic female friendships, and the unanimous voluntary female admission citing the absence of physical attraction, are undeniable facts indicative that it IS indeed my physical looks, not poor social skills, socioeconomic status ,etc. that have always/and continue to hold me back. Unfortunately I was not lucky enough to win the "genetic lottery" like others who can effortlessly attract a partner, despite being a criminal, unemployed, or simply shiftless in general.
I have actually heard of decent woman who support these unemployed "starving artist" types simply because they are a "good guy", READ; handsome.
For the same reason a woman will label a shy attractive guy as confident, when in reality it is his looks that captivated her. A charismatic but ugly guy has less of a chance then the shy hot guy! The confidence excuse is simply a way for a lady to feel less shallow when giving her reasons for rejecting an ugly guy.
Do keep in mind, I am not at all picky. I appreciate physical beauty in a woman, but happen to find many "types" attractive. Yet, I have been rejected by the thin, the obese, you name it...! In 23 years, I have never had even one girl express romantic interest in me. Under the circumstances, why keep punishing ones self?
My goal is to simply become completely numb to my desire for intimacy! (since I will never experience it).
In some ways their honesty is a blessing in disguise as it has helped me come to terms with the stark reality of my situation, and prepare myself for a celibate life without romance. My predicament, has made me into a realist, as I have no delusions of false hope where romance is concerned.
Encouraging aesthetically challenged young men to pursue romance is a bad idea. My naivety and false hope, only led to rejection (despite my excellent social skills and other qualities!). I feel certain that I can speak for most of us when I say that we are not gluttons for punishment!
I feel that the sooner a young man learns the truth, and accepts that romance is not in the cards he can forget women and begin to focus on other worthwhile pursuits such as career, travel, hobbies, etc. Why waste time on a futile endeavor? Since my parents never told me the truth, I wasted several years of my life until I figured it out on my own. Unfortunately, it took being fired from a great job to wake me up to reality! It is my sincere hope that the sharing my story can prevent other homely guys from going down the same terrible path I did...........All because I was naïve and blind to the truth!
My advice; "Don't be naïve and delude yourself that women ignore looks." Money can by looks (for an hour or so), but I have never even considered prostitution, nor would I recommend it. Aside from being illegal in most states; I have no desire to pay someone to have sex with me knowing they are most likely secretly disgusted the entire time. Don't throw away your money on meaningless sex with hookers, use your savings for something worthwhile!
The silver lining in my cloud is that my lack of female attention has given my much time for the pursuit of many of the aforementioned diversions. I have several unique interests, and hobbies which I might never have discovered were it not for my dateless lifestyle! Also, I am already adding up the monetary benefits, as I hear a significant other/spouse can become quite an expensive financial proposition!
A question for all parents of physically unattractive young men.
I am a 23 year old man, who has never known a woman in anything but a platonic relationship. I am obviously a virgin but have never even had one date, held hands, or kissed a woman. Initially I was naive enough to believe that looks didn't matter, and I asked out a vast multitude of different ladies (some attractive, some less so) over the years beginning in middle school, and concluding when I experienced my final rejection at the workplace a few years ago.
In each situation the woman was quite found of me as a friend, but was revolted at the mere thought of a romantic relationship with me-hence ruining many of my valued strong platonic female friendships. The reason behind this lack of success, should be quite obvious from the title of this thread.
In several instances they attempted to feign flattery, but ultimately expressed their honest sentiments on the matter; "That while they enjoyed my friendship, many of the same interests, and my unique sense of humor they simply felt zero physical attraction to me, and felt that under such circumstances any sort of romantic interaction would be completely futile".
One girl whom I had a crush on beginning in middle school and continuing through high school, actually rattled of a list of my physical imperfections in front of everyone. Truth be told I do respect and appreciate her honesty as I understand the importance of mutual attraction and would not want to waste someones time by having them date me simply out of pity because they feel sorry for me.
It has been a particularly difficult struggle, as I also happen to have a very strong libido and often have wet dreams, erections without warning, and think of sexual matters quite frequently. While I do not judge those who utilize sex workers, I personally find the idea repulsive as I seek a true relationship where mutual attraction and a genuine affection exists. I feel as though a prostitute would simply be a meaningless experience, and most likely increase my loneliness and desire.
Unfortunately my feelings have also caused a tumultuous relationship at home. I often blame my parents, for having such an unfortunate looking son. When I reached out for help in the past, they have refused to help me seek methods to reduce my testosterone levels, chemically castrate, or utilize plastic surgery.
Ultimately, I do believe that when a physically unattractive young man is about to enter high school,hormone/acne ridden, and NAIVE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE, the most responsible action any loving parents could take would be to either sit their son down and somehow gently break the news that "women will most likely want to remain friends", or seek an all boys high school.
I wish my parents had cared enough to do either of the above for me. As it turned out my high school years were hell, but I naively thought nothing of it, believing things would change for the better until at age 21 my pursuit of a woman at work played a role in my dismissal from the greatest (and easiest) job and career opportunity I could have ever hoped for!
That was when it hit me. I realized that all along I had been too stupid to realize the truth, and my parents had been highly irresponsible to not step in and take action. However, I feel certain that they most likely saw the trainwreck ahead (especially my dad) when the school counselor called them in to express their concerns about some of my comments-I was venting my frustrations to a teacher that (I thought) I could trust.
In my objective analysis of the situation, I strongly feel that a great deal of pain, rejection, heartbreak, and even career damage could have been avoided had I been told the truth, or placed in an all boys school.
So Fathers of physically unattractive sons(Provided they are straight and not asexual), will you take the responsible action and break the truth to your sons/place them in single gender schooling or do you believe they should find out for themselves and flounder as I did???
As it is now, I work as a maintenance man on the evening and overnight shift. This is an occupation that suits me very well, as 1.) All my co-workers are guys, 2.) Working nights, I hardly see any women in public anyway! I certainly wish I had experienced that luxury during my years of adolescence--I might have made better grades!( I avoided college like the plague since most are co-ed)
I truly believe that you do have some issues that you need to address perhaps through professional counseling.
Since you still live with your parents, yet blame them for your self-esteem issues you obviously live with ongoing internal conflicts. You are dependent on your parents, yet resent them.
Change your living arrangements. Become independent. Also, address your own issues.....which seem borderline obsessive imo as you relate to women.
Lots of people have life lessons rooted in H.S. It may not be your looks as you state that you have had plenty of female friends....it may well be your personality. It sounds like you take rejection to another level...it seems that you are angry at females in general.
It also seems that when you have been rebuffed for your romantic interest in a female friend.....that you blame on your looks, then you decide it is all your parents fault and blame them....which seems quite bizarre.
What you need to work on is your own self-esteem, which you obviously had in the past you were not a friendless teen, your self-esteem is just bruised right now.
You need some professional counseling to put your feelings into perspective and gain some insights and coping skills to address your sexual issues. As long as you continue to blame others you will not get beyond this pain. I wish you well.
It also seems that when you have been rebuffed for your romantic interest in a female friend.....that you blame on your looks, then you decide it is all your parents fault and blame them....which seems quite bizarre.
Well one girl whom I had a crush on saw me talking to my Mom, and said we looked alike.
After being repeatedly rejected more times than I can remember (I have NEVER had any romantic interest from anyone) , I can't help but blame her for passing on undesirable features which I so obviously inherited from her.
What guy wants to be told they resemble a woman? Now, had I received some positive feedback regarding my physical looks, I would be eternally grateful for inheriting such features.
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